[Buck Wild]

On the off chance this isn't one helluva trolljob...

First of all, it's hard to see this guy as a total newb--he's had an account since June 2012 and has been repped. Yet he is seriously considered walking off a cliff that most forum guys know to avoid after lurking here for a few months. I read the first few sentences and honestly had to step away from my computer for a minute.

The only way he should even remotely be considering this girl is if he is mid-60s, has no money, doesn't want any (additional) children of his own, and she is just terrific in the sack. I'm gonna step out on a limb here and guess he doesn't fit this profile, in which case he needs to get back to basics: frame, self-improvement, mental point of origin, cultivating options---the works. If he doesn't shore up the fundamentals and build on them, he's going to be right back here within 5 years---guaranteed.

Posts like this just prove that too many red pill guys are actually purple pill, and too many purple pill guys are just a blowjob and a few homecooked meals away from getting the Game completely fucked up. Which makes me wonder what the hell has this man been reading on the forum for the last four years?!

[Off The Reservation]

(08-30-2016 02:29 AM)philosophical_recovery Wrote:  

I'm in my 30s. Never married. Never had children that I know of.

Want to be an entrepreneur. Tried a few things. Every day I think about giving up. Lately, this voice has been cropping up in my head telling me to give up, suck down some beers, wine, or whiskey, and just fuck around on the internet all day.

But there's this other voice that I have to nourish, to keep telling me that I can, I will, and I have done better. I've just been in a slump. Don't give up.

You mentioned becoming a millionaire and snagging a younger girl and having lots of kids. My dream too. Why is this out of the picture? Are you a felon? Are you horribly disfigured? Are you disabled?

If not, there's so much yet that you can do. It's okay to be in a slump. But, only if you recognize it as such.

Don't give up on that dream. Hit the gym. Check your testosterone to see if it's messing with your decision and lack of will.

Or give up.

But please don't give up, because I'm rooting for you.

POTD

[Off The Reservation]

(08-30-2016 03:00 AM)Fathom Wrote:  

(08-30-2016 02:45 AM)Cr33pin Wrote:  

seems like this girl already has it in her to let her self go but switched it around to try to find a husband.

I don't mean to seem like I'm arguing against the well-intentioned advice all you guys are giving me. Not in any way. I just want to point one thing out, because life is usually more complicated than a post can explain.

This girl was hot when she was young. I've seen pictures. Round ass, huge tits. She got trapped into a marriage that was basically a business transaction. Guy was a parasite in every sense of the word. Abusive, passive aggressive, manipulative. He intentionally skewed her self image, made her dislike herself. Many, many, many years later, stuck in a home practically as a slave with this guy, will do a number on you.

I'm just explaining.

[/quote]

Holy shit. You are falling for the classic trap. Not the she used to be hot part which is the biggest pile of BS I have ever heard on this entire RVF, but the she was abused and manipulated part. This is the biggest red flag in the universe that YOU are being and going to be abused and manipulated more than you can ever imagine.

For fucks sake man please read every reply here every hour from now for the next ten days.

I actually have some real work to do but if you can wait a couple hours before marrying her Ill return with a reply to your original post.

[MY DETROIT PLAYAS]

In this situation you sound as if you have your mind made up to go through with this marriage, and you are looking for us to give you a compelling enough reason why you shouldn't.

You seem to want us to talk you out of this

Truth is, as a young man you have limited life experience so what appears before you at this very moment is all you can visualize. A lot of folks would you are operating from a mentality of scarcity. Sidebar: Your situation reminds me of my last trip to a nearby casino, the game was Blackjack. If you are familiar with the rules of this game you know the player who comes closest to 21 without going over while scoring higher than the dealer wins. The more inexperienced players tend to be more skittish and ready to drop their hands at the drop of a hat, where the more skillful players are more willing to draw that one more card in order to position themselves better against the House. You seem ready to throw your cards in and try your luck because you are afraid to play out the rest of your hand.

As a someone who was married and divorced, I can only advise you to use some foresight into where see yourself in 5, 10 even 20 years. Before you combine lives with another person, you must know yourself and place yourself first in this equation to be fully content enough to make someone else happy. You are also taking on children who's needs will be put before yours in any given situation. Essentially you are adopting a ready-made family. Are you ready for that?

Sounds like you have some soul-searching to do.

[Fathom]

I know I can't reply to every post but I take all your words to heart. Even the requisite "are you a troll / she's lying about everything / she killed her husband / you are arguing with us" posts. Wouldn't be RVF without them.

The reason I posted here is because it is the one place where I would a) have real talk from a man's perspective and b) I knew there would be people who are slightly older and have gone through failed marriages and significantly life-altering wrong decisions and learned from them. I felt I needed that voice of experience.

(08-30-2016 09:32 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

4) Face the fact that if you weren't driven by fear and laziness then this would not even be a situation that would have occurred in the first place. Then face the fact that you are now being driven by fear and laziness down the path that fear and laziness picked for you in the first place.

Yes. That's right. That is exactly right. In fact, I can now pinpoint the exact day and moment when this happened to me last winter. It's been all downhill from there.

Quote:

Honestly, how the fuck did you end up in an LTR with a fat single mother of three in the first place?

I'm purposely refraining from giving too many details. Let's put it this way: it was a casual hookup thing that fell in my lap. Then I found I could get significant career help from her. And then, time did its job in the sense that, by the point I got what I wanted (professionally speaking), we were involved and "attached" and all that. I "discovered" her as a person, and vice versa you could say.

Wanna laugh? The ultimate irony of this is that the work I thought I wanted, that paid so "well," I fucking despised, hated, and loathed. And I quit it to go back to Asia, where I could feel free, and where I can actually afford my own apartment, and can pay for my own restaurant meals, and don't care how much fucking taxis cost.

How's that for fucking irony. I sold myself out for a fucking paycheck and it still wasn't enough to pay the motherfucking bills.

Quote:

5) Stop taking your life as it is now and assuming that your future options will be as good or worse. You're taking on the mentality that ought to be reserved for bitches. Men grow and succeed and become more valuable in LTR terms as they get older.

I understand. I think the reason I have this attitude is because, honestly, as my thirties wind down and I see I don't have money, no car, houses, rental property, business or business idea, etc. I am beginning to doubt myself. How long can you go around thinking one day you'll do something great without it actually happening. I'll admit, my confidence is a little shot by this point and I think the best I can do is teach in Asia. At least I'll have my own place.

I'm not saying I intend on clinging to that attitude. It's just how I feel right now. There comes a time when you're not "as young" anymore and can't just go off and party waiting for it all to come together for you "in the future". And that is part of the reason that, when I found a chick who knows how to take care of a man, I felt it stupid to throw her away, despite her not fitting the ideal mold.

Quote:

But all of this is irrelevant if you can't answer one simple question in the positive.

One increasingly clear and obvious hurdle that potentially renders all other issues irrelevant.

If you wanted to bail, do you even have the balls to follow through?

Yeah, I do. We just talked.

I'm leaving later this month. Will book my ticket tomorrow. I'll still feel "sad" and like a lost puppy now that I don't have my precious little LTR to take care of me, blah blah. I think this happens to all men, I don't know. But I also know that once I sit in that plane, I will be fine. I'll start thinking of the future. I'll get my sense of purpose and optimism back. I just need to get on the plane.

(08-30-2016 10:09 AM)eradicator Wrote:  

To the OP, why exactly are you marrying her? Your description of her isn't exactly positive: overweight, has kids, late 30s.

I did list the positives elsewhere.

Quote:

You are saying you can't do better and will end up alone? You may end up divorced and alone in 5 years if you are entering into a marriage that you don't want. By all means, if you want to try to spend the rest of your life with this woman and raise her kids, go ahead and do it. You don't even really sound like you like her much though.

I am not IN love with her. Not like with the ex-wife. I was on fire for her. I wanted to fucking possess her, I couldn't stop staring at her legs, the way she walked. But I married her 'cause she was young, tight, and hot. And look where it got me nearly half a decade later. Broke, miserable, defeated, and half broken (this was two years ago, when we split). Maybe that is also part of the reason that finding a less than ideal chick who has all the qualities a wife should have got me to stop and think twice.

Someone said I've been here since 2012, so what happened to me. I'll tell you what's gone on since then.

I went to China. Married the first hot piece of ass that gave me the time of day, who was absolutely worthless in every way. I imported her back home and I went to find a "real job" like a good boy. I worked my ass off from one dead end, low paying piece of shit job to the other. After she arrived here, it took a year for shit to fall apart because she was absolutely unprepared for anything besides spreading her fucking legs, and even that wasn't as good as I had led myself to believe.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm so defeated and dispirited, I don't even know up from fucking down anymore.

Thanks again for all the help to everyone here.

[kaotic]

Goddamn Fathom wants to hamster this all away.



I'm not going to be nice or sugarcoat anything below:


Dude, you made a thread on a forum asking the advice of some other random dudes on the internet about a woman in your life.

If that isn't an obvious sign of doubt and question, then I don't what the hell is.

You CLEARLY aren't sure about this, you already have the cons laid out.

"B-bu-buut she's the best I'll ever get"

BULLSHIT ! You can always do fucking better - this girl is a booby trap waiting to go off. You can already see her trying to control you, she is NOT supporting you.

You're just another asset to her plan to live life - not a partner.

She won't let you go on your overseas trip to work - she's not being supportive.

Guess what she'll do when you're gone overseas ? Probably hop on the cock carousel to lash out at you going abroad.


There are ALWAYS better woman out there, you need to have the right skillsets to find them.


"B-bu-buut I don't have those skillsets, I'll never get a girl like that, so I'm settling on this one"

FUCK THAT ! Workout, eat right, learn game, start approaching, work your ass off, establish yourself - you'll absolutely find better quality women and pussy.

You're living in such a negative mindset with such a self defeating attitude.

You won't listen to what we have to tell you, you just wanted to vent, in the hopes of someone saying, "you know Fathom, go ahead and marry her, she sounds great"

Those aren't your children, she's been married before, if she was abused - that shit will come to haunt you, she wants you to sign a pre-nup, she's angry about possibly going overseas.

I had a hotter girl, with no kids, who adored me, who wanted my children and to marry her in the next few years.

I WALKED AWAY FROM IT.

thread-52295.html

Because I knew in the long run, it wouldn't work out, she had some issues, I wasn't committed enough.

I knew the writing was on the wall - which is why I posted it on the forum seeking advice from senior members - to confirm why I was doing so.


Frankly, you need to see this from an outsiders perspective (which has been done given) and you need to knock that pussy off the pedestal.

You can do so much better than this woman.

Also, NEVER depend on a woman to make you happy, to fulfill you, or to complete you.


The thing that needs most work is your INNER GAME - you need to rebuild your self confidence.

So you got crushed by your first marriage - yet "please my lady, can I have some more?" and want to wife up this one ?


NO dude, what you need to complete, is YOURSELF before you even try to date anyone, let alone marry.

EDIT:

I'm probably around the same age as you, I don't have my own house, rentals, boat, whatever. That shit doesn't matter right now in your life.

Start working on yourself, not trying to find the right woman who'll take care of you.

A man will take care of himself, a man will asses his weaknesses and work on them, a man will be humbled by others and accept their advice, a man doesn't worry about what women think and does what he wants.

[SomeFcksGiven]

(08-30-2016 01:34 AM)Fathom Wrote:  

Met overweight chick last winter. Divorced, has little kids...

I'm afraid that, if I leave this girl, I will never find anyone like her again...

I'm surprised that this hasn't been pointed out in big bold text, but if you live in America.. There is NOTHING rare about this girl.

Fat, divorced, single moms (who used to be hot) are everywhere in this country.

Why are you worried you'll never find someone like her again??

Hell, go to any Walmart and toss a beach ball in the air. It'll bounce off of 5 of these women before it hits the ground.

[Comte De St. Germain]

Get married already then. You aren't listening to everyone on here when we say "No!!!!! Never in my life!"

Just do it

Even if I was out in the cold with no hope and no place to stay you couldn't pay me to raise another man's kids like my own spawn.

[Fathom]

(08-30-2016 11:50 AM)kaotic Wrote:  

I'm probably around the same age as you, I don't have my own house, rentals, boat, whatever. That shit doesn't matter right now in your life.

Start working on yourself, not trying to find the right woman who'll take care of you.

Wanna give a heartfelt thanks for these words above.


I read your post about the Latina, man. I'm probably a little under ten years older than you.

[kaotic]

(08-30-2016 12:07 PM)Fathom Wrote:  

(08-30-2016 11:50 AM)kaotic Wrote:  

I'm probably around the same age as you, I don't have my own house, rentals, boat, whatever. That shit doesn't matter right now in your life.

Start working on yourself, not trying to find the right woman who'll take care of you.

Wanna give a heartfelt thanks for these words above.


I read your post about the Latina, man. I'm probably a little under ten years older than you.

I'm just trying to drill some self confidence in you, by giving you a reality check.

This isn't the woman for you, I can promise you that.

You seem to depend on her quite a bit as a rock in stormy sea - it oozes out of your writing about her.

Be your own rock in a stormy sea man.

Sooner or later the storm passes, the waters calm, and you're the rock that survived.

An existential or midlife crisis doesn't valid the need to immediately wife what you perceive as a decent chick.

You can do better - starting by having us as a life raft for advice and support.

[Fathom]

(08-30-2016 12:04 PM)SomeFcksGiven Wrote:  

(08-30-2016 01:34 AM)Fathom Wrote:  

Met overweight chick last winter. Divorced, has little kids...

I'm afraid that, if I leave this girl, I will never find anyone like her again...

I'm surprised that this hasn't been pointed out in big bold text, but if you live in America.. There is NOTHING rare about this girl.

Fat, divorced, single moms (who used to be hot) are everywhere in this country.

Why are you worried you'll never find someone like her again??

As I replied above, we already spoke and I am proceeding with my job abroad. So now I'm just answering this "for the record," for the next poster who'll give me the whole "you're arguing with us, just go ahead and marry her" thing.

The reason was that, unlike American chicks (which she is not), she does what I tell her. She won't let me get up for water. She'll wake up thirty minutes before I do to have my breakfast ready. She's filthy in bed. She'll use up vacation days at work to run me around to all kinds of doctors for my yearly checkup crap. She paid for the fucking visa for me to go abroad 'cause my card was too full. She'll communicate with my mother and manage my mother for me 'cause I do not have the goddamn patience and she LIKES it. She is the kind of person who brings families together.

Again: I am simply answering a question. I don't argue against anything anyone here has said.

[Fathom]

(08-30-2016 12:11 PM)kaotic Wrote:  

You seem to depend on her quite a bit as a rock in stormy sea - it oozes out of your writing about her.

No, that's exactly what's happening.

Quote:

You can do better - starting by having us as a life raft for advice and support.

Exactly. And that is what you've all been these past couple of really fucked up hours. This is why I posted all this embarrassing shit here. Thank you.

[kaotic]

(08-30-2016 12:14 PM)Fathom Wrote:  

(08-30-2016 12:11 PM)kaotic Wrote:  

You seem to depend on her quite a bit as a rock in stormy sea - it oozes out of your writing about her.

No, that's exactly what's happening.

Quote:

You can do better - starting by having us as a life raft for advice and support.

Exactly. And that is what you've all been these past couple of really fucked up hours. This is why I posted all this embarrassing shit here. Thank you.

It's not embarrassing man, it's life, we've all been a bit ashamed, or embarrassed.

That's okay man - you had the balls to write about on a forum that you probably knew would tear it apart.

Yet here we are - still helping you.

I'm glad you're opening your eyes to your situation - that's the first step.

Next is planning the next move and executing - with short term and stretch goals.

[Off The Reservation]

(08-30-2016 01:34 AM)Fathom Wrote:  

Gonna keep it as short as possible.

Met overweight chick last winter. Divorced, has little kids. Smart as fuck. Vibe perfectly. Good mother, firm grip on finances, head for business. She's dropping the weight and getting toned quickly and not 'cause I "made her" but for herself.

But things have moved fast. A little too fast. I've suddenly found myself engaged with a set ceremony date next year. My mother likes her. My best friend likes her. Anyone who knows her likes her. Seems the smart thing to do is marry her, pop out a couple more babies with her, and live happilly ever after.

I have a job offer that would take me abroad. Not forever, just a few months. But it would in effect be the end of the relationship, as in, "You're running off to have a good time when you could just as easily find a job here". Which is true.

I feel like this happened too quickly. I feel I didn't have a chance to live my life; to enjoy my life the way I'd have liked. I am a little older, not in my 20s anymore.

Lots of stress over this. Arguments. I want to take the job abroad. I WANT TO. But I worry because, long term, the job leads nowhere. I don't know what I'd end up doing after a year or two and I don't want to be stuck in it. I'm afraid that, if I leave this girl, I will never find anyone like her again. She's the kind of person that will gel a family together. She completes the communication gap between my mother and I. She's great with kids. She's good with money.

But I feel trapped. I feel I want to fly off and spend a year or two fucking everything I see. And this is exactly what I would have done had I never met her. But now she's in the picture and I feel I have something to lose. Also, I wonder, is this fantasy I have of going back to Asia for a fuck spree realistic? I've been there before and got a few notches, yeah. But for the most part, life was unsatisfying. I wasn't some kind of "dating coach instructor" pimp, flying around Asia on my vacation days and partying with cool dudes while banging beautiful chicks. I'm thinking, is it worth it to throw this relationship away over this?

I have tried everything and cannot get to a fucking decision. I've asked myself, if I had ten million dollars, would I go through with it? I must say, were I not worried that, without her, I will have no future, I wouldn't. I'd rent an apartment in Shanghai and concentrate on further businesses and making connections and partying. And when I was ready to marry, I'd pick and choose a hot, slightly younger chick who's ready to pop out ten kids (I want a big family one day).

This girl loves me. A lot. She's great in every way. Am I just refusing to grow up? Am I being "immature"? I just don't know what to do.

I do not believe you are a troll. I think some mentioned this because of your title. "I am about to marry..." The appeal for advice after this statement would usually consist of questions like where should we go on honeymoon, or prenup or not, or should we move to her house or mine. Instead you stated we are about to marry then gave a huge explanation of circumstances that say "I really shouldn't be doing this" to any reader here.

You are a guy who is about to act AGAINST his strong, clear guy feeling that he is doing something wrong, but has tremendous pressure from mother, fiancee, and perhaps others to act upon THEIR wishes and disregard your own.

So you came here to RVF in what I believe is not only a post that will help you and change your life but has the potential to prevent others from making this same grave mistake.

In your own words I highlighted, for sheer visual effect, red for red flags, purple for your excuses which represent you repeating the thoughts of others, and black bold for some of your own words that show you know what you should do.

What you may not realize is that you are comparing two job offers.

One gives you new experience overseas, freedom, and pays you $x with no emotional ties, no manipulation, and the beautiful, open possibility that life after that assignment could climb to new heights.

The other is also a job, do not for a second think it is a marriage, a life or any kind or growth for you. It is a JOB. The job is providing for a fat, manipulative woman who demonstrated that she can have LITTLE KIDS with another man then kick that man to the curb. Don't fall for that story that he was abusive. If he had been, and she knew about it, why did she let him impregnate her MULTIPLE times?

You discuss fear in your story. Fearing what will happen after losing a short term job or a LTR is no biggie. You pick up and move on. Fearing what will happen behind closed doors when you start getting treated like the absolute total piece of utter garbage and shit that she really thinks you are, and getting pushed and pushed beyond your breaking point after it is "too late" is indeed something to fear. I have never hit a woman in my life but I know what it is like to be cajoled and insulted to the core by a woman to the point you feel justified in responding physically. Whenever you hear a woman dangle the story of being manipulated and or abused in front of you, you better ask yourself if you really have the experience to sort out the facts (with only an unreliable source, the woman herself) to know if it was a real case that she was a victim, or if it was a Folie à deux (madness of two) of which you will be the next dancer.

You said she will gel a family together when she has shown she tore one apart at a moment when the children most needed their real father.

You have said in your post what you want to do. See the black. But you are going to have to disappoint your mother and see the rage of this woman at the hint that you do anything for your life at all. I noticed on an old post of yours you describe with disgust a homeless single woman with 4 kids approaching you for money...

You know in your heart this is all wrong and cannot identify the reason you feel so torn. You are trying so hard to convince yourself to move forward with this, and even in some way you wished the RVF replies were outlandish and mean toward her so you could go forward with marrying her to prove what a great guy you are. But if you look closely you will see all the replies here are showing empathy toward you as a man who has the choice right in front of him to simply live happily. No one wishes ill will toward your soon to be ex-fiancée. She is simply doing what she knows to survive.

You are a great target for her, young, with a slightly better than average job that she knows you will keep once you are responsible for her and that guy's kids.

She already convinced you that you are bad with money and she is better with it. Translation, give her your money. If you want to live a life controlled by guilt, and please only the simplistic but well meaning expectations of your mother, and not those of your own life, then by all means marry this woman.

But if you reject self-sacrifice just as firmly as you would reject suicide whether real or virtual, then you will call off the engagement, deal with the few days or weeks of fallout around you which will be easier than you think. You could even say to her you will reconsider after this job overseas, that you want to improve your financial situation first. But this would be bullshit because you know she will hire someone else if you do that. Maybe she should.

[Svoboda]

OP,
Apart from all the red flags mentioned by everyone responding. I think the main question is: Why do you think you can't find a suitable partner? Especialy if you'd live in Asia.

I read the part about the young woman you married and divorced (Asian correct?) and understand that has clouded your judgement.
You mention you want to have kids. In Asia there are lots of women around 30, with decent jobs and money, that are actively trying to find a man to have children with. Keep in mind that a 30 yr old single Asian woman is just shy of being past the due date. Unless she's a celeb, wealthy family or succesful entrepeneur etc there are less men that are a good catch that are interested in her. A wealthy 33 yr old filipino/indonesian/thai man does not marry a 30 yr old (unless her family is equaly rich), but marries a 24 yr old.

Be confident that you can find a good woman if you ignore the party girls and cock carousel riders.

All the positives you mentioned about your current gf/fiancee are available in plenty of upper middle class women in Asia.
Come to think of it, if you play your cards right and use social game the right way you could even end up with some girl that's wealthy, and hasn't been eager to get with a local because she wants someone to want her for her and not for her family's money, or doesn't like local dudes for whatever reason.

[RatInTheWoods]

Fathom, I'm ten years older than you.

There is a lot of hate for chicks with kids on the forum, but there are a lot of young guys that want their own kids.
The reality is as you get old, chicks are going to come with kids, Chicks without kids at that age is kind of a red flag.

I think the simple thing to do here is to sit down with her and say:

I believe we have a future, but I need more time. I rushed into the proposal and now I feel trapped because I am not ready.


So then you can postpone the marriage which is freaking you out and keep going until you are 100% sure you want to put a ring on it.

If she doesn't like that, then bin her.

[Svoboda]

(08-30-2016 02:17 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Fathom, I'm ten years older than you.

There is a lot of hate for chicks with kids on the forum, but there are a lot of young guys that want their own kids.
The reality is as you get old, chicks are going to come with kids, Chicks without kids at that age is kind of a red flag.

I think the simple thing to do here is to sit down with her and say:

I believe we have a future, but I need more time. I rushed into the proposal and now I feel trapped because I am not ready.


So then you can postpone the marriage which is freaking you out and keep going until you are 100% sure you want to put a ring on it.

If she doesn't like that, then bin her.

Regardles of the discussion about a woman with kids.
OP has mentioned being late 30s and could easily hunt around the 27-32 yr olds that don't have kids yet and are eager to have some.
He has mentioned he wants multiple kids himself, which looks like a slim chance with a woman that is late 30s.

OP, mentions her kids are finacially set and won't cost him money. Even if that's true it will cost him time and energy. You can make more money, you can't make more time.

I think at some level OP is pulled towards this woman because he has given up on creating his dream (having a happy family). And this woman is giving him the chance to instantly step in. Yet this relationship is not his dream (for many reasons), it's hers.

[therealpoder]

if he wants kids he definitely needs to drop this woman. Regardless of how nice she may be, she probably can't have kids due to her age. Be prepared to deal with infertility and miscarriages if you try to have a kid with this woman.

And if she already has three kids. She probably not looking for any more kids. Don't be surprised if she changes her mind after you get married.

People put their best foot forward before marriage. After marriage, there's little incentive to improve because she already has you locked down. All the qualities that are red flag now, the kids, the obesity and so on. Expect them to get worse after marriage. Which is not good since you already have strong doubts. Expect that she won't lose the weight and get fatter, the sex decreases or stops and you end up paying for her kids without having one of your own.

[2Wycked]

I haven't read the responses completely, so hopefully somebody already covered my points.

Please accept this advice in the spirit in which it is offered: the problem isn't the chick, it is you.

When I read your post, what jumped out to me was your constant references to yourself, "I feel this, I don't know this..." When a guy is ready to marry a gal, the surest-fire way to know it is right is that he talks about her. Dude, she's got miles of legs, a heart of gold and a mouth like a Hoover! Most importantly, they share the same values: like kaotic already touched on, they have the same goals in life, have the same sorts of views on what constitutes a good life, etc. It is true that you did reference her traits and physical appearance, but you were defensive about it out of the gate -- that isn't a good sign. I don't think you are worried about what others think about her weight, that concern about her appearance and weight is coming from you.

Further -- and I suspected this was true when I saw you created this thread at the witching hours of the morning -- you want to us to justify your choice to marry this woman. And by give you reasons, I mean you knew we were collectively going to tell you that this is a bad idea. You already know you are going to marry this chick, the potential consequences be damned, and you need us to feel better about that choice. What do those guys on RVF know? They don't know me and they don't know what I've been through!

In sum: I have a prediction for how this relationship is going to turn out and it is summed up by the phrase "buyer's remorse." But, of course, the primary issue in such a situation isn't what is bought, it is the buyer.

[AboveAverageJoe]

You are making excuses for both yourself and this woman. This is the definition of settling. This occurs from a lack of self-confidence. You are simultaneously undervaluing your self-worth while overvaluing her SMV and what she brings to the table.

You still have time to improve yourself and find a more suitable and valuable mate. She already has multiple children and is nearing the wall and you have told us she is already above your ideal weight. Your stock is still rising while hers has peaked. That is why she is trying to lock you down. Security.

You say she is submissive, but to me it sounds like you are too eager to turn the reins of your life over to her, and she seems too eager to ad you to her family. Remember, she already has a family unit, you don't. That means you are joining her family and not the other way around, not a great way to establish frame, and did I hear mention of a prenup on her end? That is a dead giveaway that she sees this marriage as a temporary situation.

There is a lot of cognitive dissonance in your OP. It is like you are trying to convince us that this woman is marriage material, but you are really trying to convince yourself. I suggest you read between the lines in you own writing. Do you have a thing for mother figures?

It seems like you are looking for someone to provide leadership, guidance, and responsibility, all things that a man should be bringing to the table. This woman sees you as someone who she can mold and control for her and her children's security and benefit, and if it doesn't work out she can leave with what she came with and possibly even some new child support checks.

You should never get married because of pressure from family or society. You should also not marry a woman that is older than you and has that many children. You need to cancel the wedding date. Tell her that you are not ready for that level of comittment and need to think it over while on your trip. You aren't even married yet and you are already allowing her to influence and assert control over your career and life plans.

This will only get worse. I suggest you continue this relationship but only casually. I think you can learn a lot from her and about yourself by continnuing your LTR, but not in the context of marriage. IMO this woman has more game than you and you will not be the one in charge in this relationship. It seems to me that you are not neccessarily disuaded by this. However in time, as you mature and she breeches the wall and regains the baby weight you know she is capable of carrying, you will begin to resent this and will lose your ability to tolerate it.

Instead of you trying to convince us that this is a good idea, you should be trying to convince yourself that not only Marriage in general is a bad idea, but marrying this woman, especially with the express purpose of having children is a very bad idea.
Time to man up and take control of this situation instead of allowing your Mother and this woman to decide what it is that you want in you life.

[Nascimento]

You answered your own question in your post numerous times.

Marrying this girl would be going against your best judgment, and you're trying to hear from us that it's okay to do it.

Trust yourself first and foremost. Always.

[Merenguero]

If there was ever a time for a G Manifesto smackdown, it would be now, full of Applebee's, D grade cities, Zanesville, craft beer, brunch, California, and John Gayer references.

[Suits]

(08-30-2016 04:17 PM)Merenguero Wrote:  

If there was ever a time for a G Manifesto smackdown, it would be now, full of Applebee's, D grade cities, Zanesville, craft beer, brunch, California, and John Gayer references.

Probably better not mention craft beer. We don't want marriage to a fattie to sound too appealing.

[Sidney Crosby]

This thread seems co-written by JohnBozz and Thewhitewolf

[Fathom]

(08-30-2016 01:41 PM)Svoboda Wrote:  

OP,
Apart from all the red flags mentioned by everyone responding. I think the main question is: Why do you think you can't find a suitable partner? Especialy if you'd live in Asia.

This could be a different topic and I've briefly touched on it earlier in this thread.

I'm sure there are high quality Asian women who are nothing like the first wife. But I have truly come to the emotional conclusion that, no matter how amazing they are, I don't want to deal with the culture clash. As I get older, I have this increasingly noticeable urge in me to have children with someone from my own background and culture. That would mean white European. But aren't most of these ruined by feminist filth? Will they be with someone who isn't rich? Will they be proud and happy to be mothers and raise children?

I have a friend from eastern Europe who went "back home" to find a wife. She's perfect. I still think he just got lucky. Really lucky.

I would really like to see a "Marry China" or "Marry Europe" thread. Where do you find real women today?

Quote:

I read the part about the young woman you married and divorced (Asian correct?) and understand that has clouded your judgement.

A lot. I should get over it, I know.

(08-30-2016 02:17 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Fathom, I'm ten years older than you.

There is a lot of hate for chicks with kids on the forum, but there are a lot of young guys that want their own kids.
The reality is as you get old, chicks are going to come with kids, Chicks without kids at that age is kind of a red flag.

I think the simple thing to do here is to sit down with her and say:

I believe we have a future, but I need more time. I rushed into the proposal and now I feel trapped because I am not ready.


So then you can postpone the marriage which is freaking you out and keep going until you are 100% sure you want to put a ring on it.

If she doesn't like that, then bin her.

Thanks. Yes, that is exactly what happened. Wedding is off, it was freaking me the hell out. Engagement is also "off," at least in an official capacity. I am taking the job abroad. She's not upset about not seeing me for a few months; she's worried she'll never see me again. And maybe she won't. Or maybe I'll come back next year and marry her anyway. Or maybe she'll get sick of waiting for a dude who is a world away and move on. Either way, we'll know we're doing the right thing. No more rushing into things.

(08-30-2016 03:21 PM)Svoboda Wrote:  

Regardles of the discussion about a woman with kids.
OP has mentioned being late 30s and could easily hunt around the 27-32 yr olds that don't have kids yet and are eager to have some.

I don't have the money necessary to go have five kids.

Quote:

OP, mentions her kids are finacially set and won't cost him money. Even if that's true it will cost him time and energy. You can make more money, you can't make more time.

Yeah. I've discussed this with her.

Quote:

I think at some level OP is pulled towards this woman because he has given up on creating his dream (having a happy family). And this woman is giving him the chance to instantly step in.

That's true too. I have developed the belief that young, hot chicks who want to be mothers and wives are either non-existent or will only do it for a guy with serious cash.

(08-30-2016 03:35 PM)therealpoder Wrote:  

And if she already has three kids. She probably not looking for any more kids. Don't be surprised if she changes her mind after you get married.

Given her background, upbringing, values, etc. if she could, she'd have ten more as long as she could afford them.

Quote:

People put their best foot forward before marriage.

This made me laugh 'cause I just realized, from her side, I've pretty much put my worst foot forward. haha I'm selfish, inconsiderate, have a bad temper, punish people for things that are not their fault, scream her down during arguments, vilify her friends, and just act pretty fucking spoiled and immature. hahaha

But I think that's a big reason for why she likes me so much....

(08-30-2016 03:59 PM)2Wycked Wrote:  

Further -- and I suspected this was true when I saw you created this thread at the witching hours of the morning -- you want to us to justify your choice to marry this woman.

I actually wanted perspective from guys with more experience than I have. And yeah, I stayed up till five last night just thinking without getting anywhere. I finally decided to come here, which finally broke the dam.

(08-30-2016 04:05 PM)AboveAverageJoe Wrote:  

You are making excuses for both yourself and this woman. This is the definition of settling. This occurs from a lack of self-confidence. You are simultaneously undervaluing your self-worth while overvaluing her SMV and what she brings to the table.

I know.

Quote:

[...]and did I hear mention of a prenup on her end? That is a dead giveaway that she sees this marriage as a temporary situation.

Sorry, it's difficult to give every detail. The pre-nup will provide her zero protection. It's to protect the kids' finances from me. I find that sensible.

Is it true you can put whatever the hell you want in a pre-nup? Everything from hair length to weight to a nightly blowjob?

Quote:

It seems like you are looking for someone to provide leadership, guidance, and responsibility, all things that a man should be bringing to the table.

I've been raised by women who doted on me and spoiled me. I therefore have a horrible habit of always needing one around to take care of me: do the laundry, wash the dishes, etc. I used to think it was macho. Now I realize that it's a trap, because the more you allow a girl to do for you, the lazier and complacent you become. It's not their fault, I let it happen.

I need to learn to be independent.

Quote:

You should never get married because of pressure from family or society. You should also not marry a woman that is older than you and has that many children. You need to cancel the wedding date. Tell her that you are not ready for that level of comittment and need to think it over while on your trip.

That's exactly what I did this morning.

Quote:

Time to man up and take control of this situation instead of allowing your Mother and this woman to decide what it is that you want in you life.

Thanks, man. Thanks again to everyone and Off the Reservation for going as far as to color code my words. Thank you, kaotic, david garrett, and leonard neubache and everyone else who gave a shit enough to share their words with me.

Geez, now I feel like a beauty pageant contestant.