[harveyspecter]

While there are many threads on dealing with disrespect by women here on the forum, I cannot really find find anything about this subject and I think it's also game related.

For example, I'm meeting with my friends and one of them is always late, even when I'm driving and picking him, I call him up on that and he still continues to behave that way. That shit really bugs me and you surely understand why.

What would you do? We get along very well on other stuff but this shit just goes on my nerve, I can go ballistic on him and be late for 30 minutes to show him an example but is that the route I really want to take?

In a nutshell, this is just one situation I want an answer to but you can give some advice in general how do you deal when you encounter certain amount of disrespect by friends that really gets on your nerves. In my opinion and experience using same or similar tactics like with woman does not help.

[HOD]

(04-10-2016 08:17 AM)harveyspecter Wrote:  

"What would you do? We get along very well on other stuff "

Sounds like you make excuse for his bad behavior.

He's not the only kool guy in the city, time for you to bounce.

This is an opportunity to make better friends. Addition by subtraction.

He doesn't respect your time = He don't respect you as a person or a friend.

Number one rule in life, don't allow others to waste your valuable time.

[Suits]

For me, it's always been a mistake to continue friendships with other men who refused to behave like a grown-up and show basic respect for others.

The most important step I've made in my life was not learning how to game women, but improving my social skills well enough that it became easy to make male friends and thereby have no excuse to settle for friendships that ultimately do not satisfy.

[serpico]

Edit - Re-read your post, yeah fuck that guy. If someone is late when you're doing them a favour like picking them up, you call them out on it, and they still do it, then either a) he has a very low opinion of you/your friendship, or b) is a fucking loser, and one that doesn't have any common courtesy. The worst kind, frankly.

[Comte De St. Germain]

Don't ever take it. If he was a real man he would tell you out front what issues he has with you or genuinely apologize for being late/explain why.

There's no tolerance in my life for passive aggressive bitchiness or friends wasting my time. Next time he's more than 5 minutes late just drive off. He'll either learn or you'll have cut someone not worth your time off.

[harveyspecter]

I expected answers like this, but we are only 19 years old and going to college together, do I really need to be this radical?

If I were, I would honestly have 0 friends.

[HankMoody]

You don't need to make a huge deal out of it. That would be feminine.

Just don't pick him up anymore, or leave if you've been sitting outside for more than 5 minutes.

"Hey bro, was waiting outside, you weren't here... had to leave without you. Want to get there by 10."

Don't tolerate it without making a big deal.

[Comte De St. Germain]

(04-10-2016 08:57 AM)harveyspecter Wrote:  

I expected answers like this, but we are only 19 years old and going to college together, do I really need to be this radical?

If I were, I would honestly have 0 friends.

I won't give you my exact age, but I'm fairly close to your age. Thing is in college and even after you have the opportunity to meet many people so just proactively try to meet others. You'll hold the majority at arm's length, but the few true friends you make will truly be worth it.

Never be afraid to lose your friends as if you get into a certain mentality you'll soon meet people that have a similar mentality or can appreciate yours. It's a rather strange law of the universe. Granted we aren't advocating cutting off every friend for being late once, but if they repetitively do something like this then all that means is that they aren't a quality person.

[HOD]

(04-10-2016 08:57 AM)harveyspecter Wrote:  

I expected answers like this, but we are only 19 years old and going to college together, do I really need to be this radical?

If I were, I would honestly have 0 friends.

Aw

Once again you make more excuse for his bad behavior = compromising = women do this. Not men.

Part of growing up and being a man, is the ability to walkaway from a bad situation or a job. Its only going to get worst in time.

Addition by subtraction.

Perhaps, by moving on you will have the time needed to learn new hobbies, that will bring real friends that have the same real interest.

I think you need to spend more time developing a real skill, like playing the guitar, learning a language, or learning how to make real money so you can travel. Through that journey you will find better friends, who will ultimately enrich your life.

[Onto]

I've learned not to try and make my friends into the men I think they should be.

I've also learned not to be offended by behavior that is simply a product of who they essentially are.

For example, your friend who is always late is most likely that way in all aspects of his life. Why should you take it so personally? When you do, aren't you saying he should treat you more special than he does anyone else in the world?

Every friend is going to have aspects you like and don't like. Concentrate your friendship on those aspects that are beneficial and limit your exposure to the aspects that are not.

[monster]

Easy.

Tell them a time 30-60 minutes before you actually plan on meeting.

I do the same thing with girls

[Rhyme or Reason]

It sounds to me like you're already on the shit end of the "deal" that is this friendship if you're constantly having to go pick him up. And on top of that you're tolerating disrespect? What does he offer of value?

Time to bounce. But as Hank says don't make a scene. Just cut him out of your life. There are certain types of people in this world that for whatever reason erode your state and make you miserable over time, slowly. It's like your doing fine, are confident and you befriend some new person and after hanging out with them for awhile, a month or so later, you're miserable. Once you cut them off you're much happier. It's weird but it happens. They are usually cluster b personality disordered types to some degree.

I understand what you mean when you say you fear not having any friends otherwise and it makes me glad I'm no longer 19 and in that headspace / age group where there's lots of dipshits. Set a higher standard for the people you associate with. One requirement you may consider for future friends: have a car. At your age plenty of people still don't drive their own cars and are losers so there's no reason why you should have to go picking up friends to hang out with them.

Once you get used to having a higher standard for people you associate with, as was said very succinctly here:

Quote:

Never be afraid to lose your friends as if you get into a certain mentality you'll soon meet people that have a similar mentality or can appreciate yours. It's a rather strange law of the universe.

[HOD]

(04-10-2016 10:15 AM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

I understand what you mean when you say you fear not having any friends otherwise and it makes me glad I'm no longer 19 and in that headspace / age group where there's lots of dipshits. Set a higher standard for the people you associate with. One requirement you may consider for future friends: have a car. At your age plenty of people still don't drive their own cars and are losers so there's no reason why you should have to go picking up friends to hang out with them.

Quote:

Never be afraid to lose your friends as if you get into a certain mentality you'll soon meet people that have a similar mentality or can appreciate yours. It's a rather strange law of the universe.

Totally, dude has a car at 19 that puts him in a kool factor with girls and guys.

The more I think about this, the more I realize, I think OP likes wasting his time.

The age between 18-22 is a great time to make friends and meet girls, after that it gets harder.

More time should be spent meeting girls and socializing with girls.

Back to my main point and caveat, it sounds like you have alot of free time.

This is not something you should waste youth thinking and pondering about.

Its a simple and fast rule.

This situation just sucks balls.

You should be trying to lock-down a kool restaurant server/bartender job where you get to meet hot 18-21 year old girls or working as a life guard. (In some states like Arizona the age requirement for bartending is 18)

Or better yet, you should be using your car to go to work, so you can buy a good gym membership so you can work out and perhaps get a personal trainer job at the local fitness club where you will probably meet your future hot girlfriend.

You should be picking up your future hot girlfriend and complaining about her being late.

Next time your buddy ask you for a ride, you can tell him your working out or you have to pick up your hot girlfriend at the gym.

[harveyspecter]

(04-10-2016 10:00 AM)Onto Wrote:  

I've learned not to try and make my friends into the men I think they should be.

I've also learned not to be offended by behavior that is simply a product of who they essentially are.

For example, your friend who is always late is most likely that way in all aspects of his life. Why should you take it so personally? When you do, aren't you saying he should treat you more special than he does anyone else in the world?

Every friend is going to have aspects you like and don't like. Concentrate your friendship on those aspects that are beneficial and limit your exposure to the aspects that are not.

This post got the gist of my problem, it is not that I always only pick him up or that he is just late to me, if that was the case I would've dealt with that easily. He's often late everywhere, I noticed that in other situations to other people.

Also we're sort of a crew in which he's also and he has value in that crew I wouldn't dwell into that now since that is not the focus here.

I know I cannot change him, I can lead him by the example maybe but I tried that but and it does not seem to be working.

The best solution I see here is being late 10 minutes always on purpose without saying anything to him and seeing him react to it and if he calls me up on it just make up some lazy ass excuse?

[Requiem]

I pretty much agree with what has been said thus far, but I see that you don't really want to drop him for some reason. If he is a really close friend and has been for years, then this might be a bit drastic if this is the only bad manner he has. Yes, it is a form of disrespect but it might be that he himself isn't aware of that. If you don't want to drop him just because then you'd have no friends, then my advice is: do drop him. Keeping someone out of this kind of neediness is not a good basis for a friendship. If you don't want to drop him because you otherwise value his company and you usually have a good time together, then I want to reemphasize what has been said by two other members already. Don't try to re-educate him in your favor. Just make it so that he can't behave this way anymore:

Measure 1) If he's often times late when you pick him up, just straight up tell him "I have repeatedly told you this is disrespectful but you keep being late, so unfortunately I can't pick you up anymore. Better luck with someone else here."

Measure 2) If it is with other forms of meeting - since you know he's going to be late - YOU be late. If you want to meet at 8, tell him 7:30 and show up/be ready at 8.

Measure 3) If it is really extreme, only ever plan on meeting with him for things you can do without him. This way, you can leave when he's >10 minutes late. You can warn him beforehand. Tell him "We're meeting at 8. If you aren't there at 8:10, I'll be gone". So if you want to go sarging together and he's late, then just go solo.

Measure 4) Meet at places where you don't have to wait for him. I.e. instead of meeting at McDonald's before going to the club, just say you'll meet him at the club. He can be 2 hours late but you won't have to wait for him in order to have fun.

In short, if he's rarely on time, never allow for a situation where him being late has a negative effect on you.

Quote:

In a nutshell, this is just one situation I want an answer to but you can give some advice in general how do you deal when you encounter certain amount of disrespect by friends that really gets on your nerves. In my opinion and experience using same or similar tactics like with woman does not help.

Yeah, because men aren't women. With your male friends, you can just use logical explanations for what bugs you and why. If they don't get it after you repeatedly told them, ponder if they're worth the hassle. If they are, find ways to minimize their impact on your state. But again, don't ever keep someone out of neediness. That'll mean you're always in a subordinate place.

[Ensam]

(04-10-2016 09:08 AM)HankMoody Wrote:  

You don't need to make a huge deal out of it. That would be feminine.

Just don't pick him up anymore, or leave if you've been sitting outside for more than 5 minutes.

"Hey bro, was waiting outside, you weren't here... had to leave without you. Want to get there by 10."

Don't tolerate it without making a big deal.

This is great advice. If you want to be respected, you have to show (not tell) people that you deserve their respect and how you expect to be treated.

Weak people use words and social pressure to influence others, strong people just do what the fuck they want and let other people deal with it. If you try and shame or berate someone into behaving better you'll devalue yourself even if you're successful.

[Beirut]

I disagree with most of the advice in this thread.

If you are good friends and he is a good person and friend outside of this specific issue, make sure youre tackling it from the point of view of correcting a small annoyance, and not one of "establishing boundaries" or being butthurt and bitter over what is, in the end, a trivial and easily corrected issue.

I had a friend like that, and to be fair his lateness was half justified but still he was nonchalant about it. What i did was in a jokingly friendly manner (which we always use with eachother), i would start by mass messaging him insults in a joking manner (you ***** where are you im waiting here for ten mins) etc... and id hammer the point in a playful way.

One time i left without him, but again it was in a friends teasing eachother kind of way.

It wouldve been awkward and uncalled for to have this serious "lets set behavioral boundaries" when everything else is friendly in the relationship.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Quote:

Also we're sort of a crew in which he's also and he has value in that crew I wouldn't dwell into that now since that is not the focus here.

What is the nature of the "crew" itself?

Are you guys in a band?

On the football team?

In a fraternity?

ect?

What is your value relative to his within crew? What does he offer and what do you offer?

Are you two friends outside of the crew?

[harveyspecter]

College "crew."

I really woul d not go into specifics on that topic but we are friends and outside of the crew. I enjoy his company in general, it is just this being late that gets on my nerves but I will try being late on purpose as I mentioned earlier and just try to forget about it. I'm not really into the idea of cutting him off because of that.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Quote:

College "crew.""

So you guys have nothing much in common? Do you actually do stuff together? (I mean productive things, not smoking weed and drinking)

This is why I asked.

If in fact you are just drinking buddies then you need to realize that such associations aren't very beneficial especially when you are going out of your way to pick up this guy just to get wasted or whatever. Set a higher standard for yourself.

As for him having "value" if this is the only reason you associate with him then you need to cut him off ASAP, any leadership or alphaness he has in the crew DOES NOT spill over to you. Don't be a sycophant.

Quote:

I enjoy his company in general, it is just this being late that gets on my nerves but I will try being late on purpose as I mentioned earlier

So you are opting for the feminine / passive aggressive route and are choosing to deal with your problems as a woman would. Cool.

[harveyspecter]

I do not do any productive things with any of my friends actually.

As for the woman approach, I just cannot be that brutal and cut someone off for that particular reason.

[Comte De St. Germain]

(04-10-2016 05:03 PM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

So you are opting for the feminine / passive aggressive route and are choosing to deal with your problems as a woman would. Cool.

I wouldn't be so harsh on the guy in case that friend provides financial gain, women, or access, but if none of those are being provided and he has the gall to waste time then I'm an agreement.

In the case that his "crew" provides stuff like the above(the "crew" I run with does) then it's time to slowly phase his friend out into an acquaintance that thinks they are close.

Some of the people I dislike as individuals for their opinions/ideas are among my closest friends while some of the people I genuinely like as individuals for their opinions/ideas are among the people I hold at arms length to use for practical reasons only

The one thing that defines me and my close friends is a sense of mutual respect for what we accomplish/our character/our time. That's the inviolable bond I set as a standard of friendship, and from the looks of it OP he did if he hasn't apologized/given proper reason.

Edit just read his response: Well OP you'll find out possibly not now but some time soon when you need them most they won't be there to get your back. Well I'm a bit jaded from a few recent experiences, but nobody gets these things until it happens to them so I'll just let you see for yourself.

[Onto]

(04-10-2016 04:35 PM)harveyspecter Wrote:  

College "crew."

I really woul d not go into specifics on that topic but we are friends and outside of the crew. I enjoy his company in general, it is just this being late that gets on my nerves but I will try being late on purpose as I mentioned earlier and just try to forget about it. I'm not really into the idea of cutting him off because of that.

Absolutely, that's all you need to do. And if he asks why you're late tell him it's because his clock is always 30 mins behind like a little bitch.

He'll laugh, but I'm sure he'll get the message and then it's out in the open. If he acts like a bitch, he'll get treated like one. That's all, nothing personal, and you continue to enjoy the good aspects of your friendship.

[H1N1]

Friends do not deliberately disrespect you.

He is either unaware, because he is young and because you haven't told him, or he is aware (because he is not a dumb 19 year old, or you've told him) and doesn't give a fuck.

If it is the former, you should simply level with him. It doesn't have to be a big deal. If he does it again, when he gets in the car, you can simply look him in the eye and say, 'look mate, always making me wait like this is disrespectful. I value my time, and as a friend I expect you to do the same'. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just firm and to the point. If he has any sense, he'll apologise and you'll see signs in future that he is trying to correct his behaviour. If not, then he isn't your mate and you should cut him loose.

You don't have to be snarky about it, but if it is bothering you and you don't say anything then you're being a pussy. More to the point, based on your OP, if you don't say anything clear and unambiguous, then you are partly to blame. I see loads of guys doing this sort of weak shit, where they are really bothered by something, yet they try to pass it off as a passive aggressive snark, or try to be overly jovial about it. The other guy never gets the message, because it is too much like banter between friends.

If something bothers you in his conduct towards you, be clear and direct, without being emotional. If he doesn't adjust his behaviour accordingly then the guy is no good. You don't have to do be a big girl about it and have a tantrum. The next time he asks simply say no, that he'll have to make his own way.

[Geomann180]

(04-10-2016 08:57 AM)harveyspecter Wrote:  

I expected answers like this, but we are only 19 years old and going to college together, do I really need to be this radical?

If I were, I would honestly have 0 friends.

I second Comte De St. Germain's post. I'm not too far off in age from you myself.

1) To have a friend you must be a friend. You're being a friend but this guy is not.

2) Don't be afraid to not have many friends. Most people are not worth your time or friendship, especially in today's day and age. In college, I had a small social circle that fluctuated with the exception of one guy who's my best friend. Almost four year's later, he's pretty much my brother. I'd risk my life for him and he mine. He's a fellow shitlord and thought criminal (sometimes more radical than I) and a good man. I don't mind not having many friends because when I do make a friend, they're of his calibre. Friends like him making getting through life a lot easier, and at times, a pleasure.

Either drop this dude from your social circle or lay down the law. I'd suggest you do it low-key like other men here, but style's up to you.

Just don't do nothing and keep tolerating this behavior that clearly bothers you. Such a road leads to being disrespected by both men and women alike.

Edit: Second H1N1's comment.

My best friend and I are direct and to the point with each other. If something bothers one of us, we tell the other as soon as possible. If I do something and he doesn't say anything about it, I assume that nothing is wrong and will keep doing it. Most people are like this (will keep doing something if nothing is said about it).

G