[Tarleton]

Long story short: I met a girl at my university's undergrad gym. I approached her to chat, and she was receptive. We talked for about 10 minutes, she shared some personal stuff (interests, hobbies, where she was from, etc.) with me then she gave me her cell # after I had asked for it. I called her about a day or two later, she didn't answer, so I left a voice mail. She called me back like a min. later (so obviously she was screening her calls), we chatted for 10-15 minutes, and I asked her to meet later on in the week, at Starbucks for coffee at around 8 pm. She agreed.

Day of the "coffee date" comes (I think it was a Thur. night) and she stands me up. I wait for like 30 minutes then I head home. Upon arriving home, I see that she had emailed me while I was at Starbucks (I had forgotten my cell and left it at home). In her email she says that she is "sooooooooo sorry" for not being able to meet, but she had to pick up a package at the local UPS depot in the next town over, and she had gotten lost going there and knew that she was not going to be back in time for our date, blah blah blah, but that still like to get together, maybe some other time over that weekend, and for me to let her know if I would still be available to meet.

Final Paragraph: I was P8ssed at her, so I kinda "blew her off" in my response. I didn't respond to her email for a few hours, and when I did I said, "yeah, no problem, I am just headed to a friend's house to hang out tonight anyway. I guess we can just put our heads together and figure out another time to meet whenever we talk or run into each other at the gym again. Take care." <---She never responded to that email, and the next time we ran into each other at the gym (about a week or so later) she gave me this scared/nervous look (bulging eyes and everything) and basically turned heel and ran/"fast-walked" away from me as soon as we made made eye contact. Obviously, after that, we never had any further contact.

So, any thoughts regarding what was up with this chick? I appreciate the honesty on this board, so I would appreciate your honest thoughts/opinion as to what happened with her. Thanks. I have my own theory, but I would like to hear some of ya'lls first before I share mine.

[No Habit]

I think it was a shit test when she stood you up. Her answer sounds like a lame ass excuse and in response to her wasting your valuable time you answer "Yeah, no problem.".

Anything else regarding her behaviour later in the gym would be pure speculation on my side.

[General Stalin]

She blew you off and didn't counter offer: She's not very interested. Could be anything - he may still be involved with an ex and isn't actually interested in going on dates, or she got cold feet about hanging out with you because she's a socially inept little cunt. Whatever.

[Tarleton]

thanks for the the response, Koba. I also appreciated your response, Bad-Habit. Hopefully some more guys weigh in with their opinions, since I was hoping for more than just two responses, total.

For what it's worth, there is my theory:

She was NEVER interested. She merely spoke to me both times (the first time at the gym and the 2nd time over the phone) for the ego trip. She obviously knew that I was interested in her, so she was more than willing to "humor me" by having a few short chats. This obviously stroked her ego, while also satisfying her curiosity regarding "just HOW interested" I was in her (basically flipsides of the same ego-centric coin). Anyway, she agreed to the "Starbucks date" since she didn't want to create an awkward situation for herself by turning me down outright. She obviously knew that she had no intention of going from the get-go, HOWEVER...there was always the chance that we could cross paths again at the campus gym. Soooooo.....she rather cleverly decided to have an excuse at the ready for when she stood me up (the lame "I got lost driving to the UPS depot, I really wanted to make it, but I won't be able to meet you tonight" excuse). Why would she go through the "trouble" of emailing me with that lame a*ss excuse? Well, to spare herself a really awkward situation should she run into me again at the gym. Think about it. She feared that if she simply blew me off altogether, I might be super P*ssed and create an unpleasant scene should she run into me again. By coming up with a lame "OMG, I TRULY meant to show up, but I got lost blah blah blah" excuse, she figured she was precluding me from being super p*ssed and creating any sort of "Yo, wtf happened to you last week?! why'd u stand me up?!!" scene at the gym, should we cross paths again while working out.

All in all, it was a pretty good plan; I have to give her credit for that. Stand up a guy who u know you might run into again, but in such a way that hopefully he just lets the whole "issue drop" after a certain period of time has elapsed. Obviously, she was hoping not to run into me at the gym for an extended period of time, at which point she could count upon me just ignoring her/moving on (especially since she had diffused the situation by coming up with her lame "I Swear, I DIDN"T MEAN TO STAND U UP" excuse.

Her plan didn't exactly work, however, lol. Anyway, that is my theory.

[germanico]

Wow, what they said about "proper thread titles" is correct, yall need to fix that...

Long story short? bitches be crazy.

Dont worry too much, ypu actually didnt do anything wrong, so theres nothing you could have done differently. Some girls are just wired that way, charge it to the game.

[Catch 22]

Right, choosing e-mail instead of calling and not offering to show up late or get together later (she couldn't have just showed up late?) says flake. The reasoning doesn't matter, but it's usually more about her than you.

I'd have written her off. Told her no worries and that she owes you and should bring a bottle of wine for you both to drink at your place, or something. Since there's no reason to expect you to waste your time going out to meet her again, there's an outside chance she'd go for it, but most likely write her off and move on.

[Cyclone]

I guess we can just put our heads together and figure out another time to meet whenever we talk or run into each other at the gym again. Take care

It may be subtle, but that was it right there.

She is not crazy. Nothing weird happened here. Her response in the gym was perfectly normal to that text. You'll work out the kinks eventually; in 2 years you'll look back on this and cringe.
.

[Hardy Daytona]

Your theory certainly has a degree of validity, but I'd offer a different explanation.
She clearly was interested, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to engage you at all which would have been obvious through her various mannerisms within the first minutes of meeting her.
However, you erred in the critical opening stages.
Case in point, She called You back, so you were immediately on a lower footing by accepting her offer of contact.
Then you Asked to meet her. This is something she's doubtless experienced innumerable times before, so you weren't setting yourself apart or demonstrating high value by prioritizing your time over hers.
These factors combined meant that you weren't exceptional in her eyes - just another guy who was interested. So, she flaked and offered a lame excuse to assuage any guilt she may have had.
To summarize, you needed to control the interaction and lead, which you didn't.
You might disagree, but the results are the same. Either way, take what happened here for future reference. Learning from your mistakes to prevent their re-occurrence is key.

[Peregrine]

(06-05-2014 11:53 PM)Cyclone Wrote:  

I guess we can just put our heads together and figure out another time to meet whenever we talk or run into each other at the gym again. Take care

It may be subtle, but that was it right there.

She is not crazy. Nothing weird happened here. Her response in the gym was perfectly normal to that text. You'll work out the kinks eventually; in 2 years you'll look back on this and cringe.
.

Agreed. She sounded interested in you. Your overreaction to what was likely a genuine inability to meet scared her off. Not everything is a shit test. You should've told her that it's okay and suggested another time to meet.

[Tarleton]

Peregrine, I appreciate your response but can you possibly "flesh" it out a bit more for me? Specifically, why do you say that I "over-reacted" in the email which I sent in response to her flaking/standing me up?

[Peregrine]

Sure. But first, I want to challenge your use of "flaking/standing me up". It's certainly possible that she was flaking on you and that her apology email was insincere. After all, I don't know you or her and wasn't there for any of your interactions. That said, I don't think she was flaking. Keep in mind that her not being able to make it doesn't necessarily mean she's flaking. Think about all of the times you've really wanted to meet someone or go to something, but life happened and you weren't able to make it. It wouldn't be fair for the other person to think, "Well shit, I guess Tarleton didn't really want to hang out with me after all," would it?

If she was blowing you off, then it doesn't matter what you reply back with. You're DOA anyway. But let's look at the correspondence while assuming that she genuinely couldn't make it:

Quote:

In her email she says that she is "sooooooooo sorry" for not being able to meet, but she had to pick up a package at the local UPS depot in the next town over, and she had gotten lost going there and knew that she was not going to be back in time for our date, blah blah blah, but that still like to get together, maybe some other time over that weekend, and for me to let her know if I would still be available to meet.

Males have evolved to have a strong fear of sexual rejection. It's your fear that's causing you to interpret her "sooooo sorry" as insincere, when she is likely genuinely sorry. Why do I think she's genuinely sorry? Because not only does she say that she still wants to get together, she even suggests a time frame ("maybe some other time over that weekend") and asks you to suggest a specific time when you're free. A good approach is to get back to her eventually. Personally, I'd call her. Tease her a bit for getting lost. It's funny, plus it's a way for you to gather information. Does she laugh? If yes, green light. If no, then maybe she was flaking. Suggest a new date accordingly.

Instead, this is what you said:

Quote:

yeah, no problem, I am just headed to a friend's house to hang out tonight anyway. I guess we can just put our heads together and figure out another time to meet whenever we talk or run into each other at the gym again. Take care.

If I can smell the sulk right from the first line, you'd better believe that she can too. Shouldn't have included the "I am just headed to a friend's house to hang out tonight anyway". It's a clumsy face-saving ploy which everyone sees right through. A simple "I understand" shows that you're mature enough to realize that these kinds of things happen and you sub-communicate that you're not very invested in the date, which you shouldn't be because you barely know the girl. Then, as Cyclone highlighted, you belly flopped. She asked you to suggest a new date. Instead, you straight up reject her by implying that you don't really care if you ever see her again. The "take care" slams home that point. Plus, "put our heads together" is a strange way to put it, unless you're referencing an inside joke.

Her reaction to you in the gym is normal. Females evolved to primarily fear being harmed or killed. Your strange and poorly calibrated response set off "creeper" alarms. Couple that with an implied rejection and perhaps you can see why she's avoiding you now.

Chin up and get the next one. Let me know if any of that is still unclear.

[Tarleton]

I like you, Peregrine.

[Cyclone]

While the event *is* a minor one, the theory behind it is huge and you shouldn't ignore it. The text you replied is a little too elaborately-written (is the best way i can put it) and gives great insight towards your mentality towards a simple Starbucks date. "Put our heads together"? Seriously? This makes it sound like a business transaction, and puts some of the responsibility on her.

This (and what Peregrine said) sound nitpicky but need to be exposed to you. Again, this is a level you will get to eventually, within a year if you're in college, but for reference your reply will sound more like this in the future:

"thats cool, i had my laptop so managed to get some work done. will keep an eye out this weekend if anything pops up"

done
.

[Comte De St. Germain]

Minimize what you say just respond with a "k" or "shit happens whatever". Don't pursue she's the one that fucked up not you(as she changed her mind last second). Take a step back and let her pursue you and make it up to you. If she doesn't just next her. Don't let her waste more of your time than needed. You are of higher value not this cum bucket.

[Tarleton]

(06-09-2014 11:57 PM)hwuzhere Wrote:  

Minimize what you say just respond with a "k" or "shit happens whatever". Don't pursue she's the one that fucked up not you(as she changed her mind last second). Take a step back and let her pursue you and make it up to you. If she doesn't just next her. Don't let her waste more of your time than needed. You are of higher value not this cum bucket.

eloquently stated, hwuzhere. Thanks!

[Tarleton]

(06-09-2014 11:49 PM)Cyclone Wrote:  

While the event *is* a minor one, the theory behind it is huge and you shouldn't ignore it. The text you replied is a little too elaborately-written (is the best way i can put it) and gives great insight towards your mentality towards a simple Starbucks date. "Put our heads together"? Seriously? This makes it sound like a business transaction, and puts some of the responsibility on her.

This (and what Peregrine said) sound nitpicky but need to be exposed to you. Again, this is a level you will get to eventually, within a year if you're in college, but for reference your reply will sound more like this in the future:

"thats cool, i had my laptop so managed to get some work done. will keep an eye out this weekend if anything pops up"

done
.

Cyclone,^^^^^^^^^^

So point-blank, do you agree with Peregrine, that the verbiage contained in my response came off as kind of a sullen, immature overreaction to her failing to meet me at Starbucks?

[Levi]

falls under the flake category in my book, NEXT