This is a great discussion. In my younger days I would have said this is a black and white issue. In my older days (post-divorce, post being in a relationship where I wasn't getting laid because I didn't have much of a life outside of my marriage, post knowing alpha player types who have young kids), I see there's far more nuance.
Quote: (02-11-2019 03:27 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:
A lot of hamstering in here to justify a lack of moral behavior.
"a woman treated me bad once therefore I don't have to behave with any values for the rest of my life"
"men need to lie, cheat and bang around because we have testicles"
"My woman secretly loves how I lie, cheat, break my marriage oath and fuck young girls behind her back"
Its not about if she finds out, its not about if you get away with it, and its not about a few seconds of pleasure inside a fold of a strangers skin.
Do you not look in the mirror at the guy staring back at you and feel ashamed that you lie, cheat and are dishonest?
First comment:
I'm curious what you would say to
men who have young children who are not getting laid. These are alpha player types, guys who are solicited by young hot 20 somethings, who don't cheat on their wives. God-fearing, honest men who love their wives and would never want to break apart their family. But they are not getting laid. What little sexual attention they do get is apathetic appeasement.
Let's even say these are honest and upstanding men, enough to have the tough talks with their wives, and their wives simply have no sex drive at the moment. For years.
What then?
Do you tell a fine, upstanding, testosterone-filled husband and father to remain celibate lying next to his hot wife every night?
I understand there are factors not mentioned above, and I understand this may not be the most common occurrence, but it's not far off from the reality many men face.
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Second comment:
I'm not sure how much the following advice would speak to the situation above, but I would offer this to my former married self:
If I were to go back in time 10 years and offer advice to married me,
my advice would include (among many pieces of advice) going out and trying to pick up chicks. Get better at flirting. Not with your wife, you stupid, young, immature 25 year old idiot who has no idea what turns a woman on. Go try hitting on / picking up that hot 21 year old chick in the bar. Don't bull-shit yourself "oh I'm married, I don't need to validate myself by attracting her". Bull-fucking-shit. You're scared, and you think marriage is a solid piece of midwest maple, but it's not, it's a thin veneer covering some shitty pine.
Oh by the way, I wouldn't advise lying to my wife or other women. And I wouldn't advise banging random bitches. I would definitely not advise myself to fall in love with another woman. Just go see if you still got it with other chicks.
Why would I advise this?
You can't just tell a guy not to cheat forever. A man's sex drive is a pressure cooker, especially in a relationship as in the two scenarios above. If he's not being satiated, it will explode eventually. For many men, God forbid, they end up cheating on their wives, falling in love other women, and the marriage falls apart. For me, it meant snapping emotionally and in an instant (about 20 minutes) going from "what's going on why doesn't she love me" to indifferent apathy to her.
There is a level of self-honesty and insight required for both scenarios, before the pressure cooker ruins the relationship.
There is a lot of gray between the black and white.
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I should note, I wouldn't advise cheating. To me that's relationship suicide for most guys, since most guys could never pull it off (if you have to ask how, you aren't cut out for it). It's just not good. It seems you should exhaust every other honest effort before crossing that bridge.
I don't hang around guys who cheat on their wives. I come from a very traditional perspective of marriage. I advise someone do everything they can to avoid divorce. I'm just saying, the older I get, the more gray I see.