[jariel]

(02-03-2016 06:01 AM)BoiBoi Wrote:  

Yeah, I hear you. I've been around the block a couple of times and have no problem getting pussy. With this girl, though, it's not primarily about her pussy or the sex, but rather the complete package. For her age, she is very mature. E.g. her Mom died 2 years ago of cancer and she handled it extremely well. As she does the rest of her life. Dedicated student (Engineering), has her finances in check, no social-media shit, etc.

I had very little complaints while being with her and think that I "overgamed" her to a fair amount and caused the break-up in the first place.

My life is acutally going pretty well and I do have options. It's not like I'm fearful of dying alone crying to my pillow. The hunt just gets more and more annoying and maybe that's why I'm trying to rationalize getting back with her. Also, I'm in Northern Europe and all that migrant-related uncertainty and the winter blues might be clouding my judgement.

I implore you to re-read your posts as if you were an outsider to the situation.

You are trying to convince yourself that reuniting with her is the right thing to do.

You keep mentioning all of her positive characteristics while ignoring the reality that you are talking about a person who has already willingly walked out of your life once.

Maybe you compelled her to do so, but that isn't the point.

Is your plan this time to be Mr. Perfect to ensure that she won't do it again?

Having her finances in check, being mature, all that blah blah basic yawn shit, doesn't mean that you can trust her in a relationship.

Women often run back to old boyfriends after they've had failed relationships with other men, that's just fact.

She wasn't thinking about you when she was falling for someone else, and anything she says about what she's been doing since you two have been apart shouldn't be believed because it can't possibly be verified.

Women aren't sitting around in their rooms, twiddling their thumbs, thinking about what was for too long.

I hear you in your claims that you have options, but people who truly have options don't have to run back to old news.

[kaotic]

Listen to Jariel BoiBoi, he sees it from the outside without bias. He's absolutely right.

You have no idea how many times I'd rept Jariel for the amount of advice and truth he's given.

[General Stalin]

This was a good bump, considering I actually had tried to re-date a girl since posting this:

(12-11-2014 04:40 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Well I'm single right now so every girl I've ever gone back with obviously did not work out. At best you just prolong the inevitable, at worst you lose frame, put yourself through hell, and reward bad behavior.

Dealing with the prospect or even the notion of revisiting a relationship that has already run its course conjures up a whole gamut of issues. I agree with OP that going back to an ex is never in your best interest. It' may be good intentioned and it may offer you comfort in nostalgia and familiarity, but at the end of the day she is an ex for a reason.

If she left you then you can never trust her to be a dependable girl ever. If you left her then the issues (save for something extraordinary) will always be there.

It was a lesson in reaffirmation. Sometimes you need those, apparently. Now I have solidified that rule for myself.

Never go back to a girl.

[OneEyedMonk]

"It is better to have loved and lost interest than never to have loved at all."

Any man should lose interest when you rationally see that it is not working, to protect his most valuable asset, namely time.

The main reason for men trying to resurrect a failed relationship is to avoid the proof that you cannot trust yourself anymore.

You had the choice of billions of women out there, you chose one, and failed. How can you trust yourself in the future? Whether that'd be romance or any other decisions, you demonstrated to yourself that you cannot trust yourself as a decision maker. You might as well just shoot yourself.

The sole possible remedy for such most unfortunate situation of self-doubt is to go back to your ex, and make it work.

Spin, male hamster, spin !!

Jariel, I bow for the repeat invaluable advice.

[Palo_alto]

I am friends with 2 of my Ex´s (both + 1 year relationship).

I contact them now and then to get some finantial advice from one (She works in a bank as a finance manager) The other one is a world tyraveller and I always get good advice on next destinations for myself.

Sometimes is not too bad to loose all contact.

[BoiBoi]

Damn damn damn, this shit is hard. In the end though, I think that you, Jariel, are right.

I've spend the past days trying to think about getting back together with her and what it actually would be like. I couldn't picture it. Hanging out with her and her friends, lying next to her, visiting her Dad, all that shit. How am I supposed to feel like the man in the house if she had some other dick in the meantime? How am I supposed to ever feel at ease when she had already turned her back on me once? What prevents her from doing the same next time we have some problem?

I realized that in my attempts to rationalize my ass back into that relationship, I was really imagining going back to what we had and continue where we left. The problem, though, is that this past is gone, never to return. We had our shot, it looked pretty promising, but eventually, we blew it for all kind of reasons. It makes me sad, because I'm still convinced that she'll make a great wife/ mother, just not for me anymore. Now, I have to reflect over why it all came to this and what I can do to better next time.

In another thread, somebody wrote something which stuck with me: "Marriage and kids are hard, so you want the chips to be stacked in your favor." And getting back together with someone who walked out of your life and had some strange cook is basically the exact opposit.

Still, it's a tough decicion to make. We have been together for almost 4 years. We did all kind of shit together and as I wrote earlier, it was the best realtionship I ever had. I know that I will miss a lot about her. It's all in the details. How she looked in a certain light, her signature dish she cooked for me, the way her room smelled...damn!

Although our separation was already 4-5 months ago, I just recently started to feel an onset of pain/sorrow/regret. And there I was, thinking I had become immune to that shit.

Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone! Especially you, Jariel!

[jariel]

These are the issues that men have when they know they should leave women, but they struggle to justify doing so:

1. Nostalgia
Reflecting on the good times, doesn't change the bad times. Every relationship that goes on for an extended period of time will have had good times, that is one reason it has managed to last, because at some point things were good.

The good times don't give you an accurate depiction of the strength of the relationship, the bad times do. The bad times tell you that it's time to get the fuck on, because they have more of an effect than any of the good did.

2. She's A Good Person
All the women we're dealing with aren't bad people. But it's not about them being "good people", we care about them being the right people.

You want a woman who is dedicated to your relationship and respects her role in it. You don't want a woman who wants to compete with you for power and makes a concerted effort to force her will on the relationship.

Ultimately, you might leave her, and at some point, some other guy marries her and has kids with her, good for her, if that man found her to be right for him, good for him, but that doesn't matter to you because she was wrong for you.

You can't think about what you purportedly lost, you have to look at breaking away from her is something that you gain, because it comes with a number of benefits that are going to make you and the life you're leading better.

3. Finances
When people are living together and sharing certain things together, some people don't have the resources to just dip.

When that takes place, you have to forget about how you're "comfortable" in your living situation.

If you have to move out immediately, then get what you can get, it may not be as nice as where you are, but it's automatically better because she's not there.

If you have some time to buy, then go hard on saving some money. Don't spend ANY money on her or "the house". Put together 2-3 months of move-out money, then get the fuck out.

4. Good Sex
Most women out there are not great in bed, but there are still a number of them who are. If you've had enough sexual encounters, then chances are you've had enough "good pussy".

Good sex is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone.

Good sex is the prerequisite for casual relationships that are based on sexual chemistry, but those are inherently short-lived.

However, real relationships are much more complex. Some people are fine when they're laying down and fucking, but their issues resurface as soon as they have to stand up and put their clothes back on.

Don't allow yourself to be some pussy-whipped ass dude who is scared of going back out in the world, putting in work so that you can shine and become a better man who can get a better bitch who gives you better sex because she actually wants to be with you, and would do anything to keep you in her life.

These ex-bitches are literally doing things to push you away, so move on to someone who wants to bring you in and not let you go.

[BoiBoi]

I just finished my good-bye letter. I'll bring it to the post tomorrow. Thank you for your advice and your attention.

[seabridge]

BoiBoi, i recently broke up with my girlfriend for 3 years, and yes, it is very difficult. It's only natural when, like you, spent 4 years of your life with her.

Right now you only remember all the good stuff. A month after i broke up, i did the same thing. I remember our vacations, our great sex, when we were having good times etc. But i didn't remember that she cried several times on our last vacation, that she denied me sex in the end of the relationship, when we were fighting and i couldn't control my emotions and that i cheated on her 4 times, because deep down, i wasn't satisfied. The week before i broke up with her, i felt depressed, something i rarely do. I broke up, and happiness came back in my life, had a little valley after a month, but been happy ever since.

My advice to you: Fuck some new girls. Maybe they aren't as hot or as nice as your ex, but the confidence will help you get past it. It did for me.

[jariel]

I'm working on a new RTS, so I'm going to just say this:

For all of you guys who keep going to back your ex, want to go back to your ex, or stay with a girl who should become your ex, all they are going to do is remind you why you left or why you should leave.

It doesn't get any better.

Having a good day here, a good week there, isn't better, it's just what it is for that moment. Inevitably, that moment that reminds you why you shouldn't be there will always come back.

When you have one foot out the door, women don't change to keep you around, they just kiss enough of your ass to keep you from moving the other foot.

[realologist]

Boi Boi

Listen to the advice everyone is saying in this thread. In addition to that I suggest you read this thread as well.

This is a post I recently made in that thread that applies to you.

Quote:

Don't. This is the no contact thread after all. You may think you can handle it and control how much you talk to her and you probably can for a while. That simple text back opens the door for another text back in 6 months, maybe on a holiday or her birthday. We know you still remember it. It was your ex fiancé.

It's like an addiction. Every addict thinks they can control the drug, control how much they take
.. only just take one little hit. That one hit becomes 2 next time, then three, next thing you know its completely out of control and it takes over your life affecting it in another way.

She is your drug, she is your addiction. You love her the way addicts love drugs. They love them even though life is better without it but still miss that one thing that made you love it so much. If you didn't feel this way and still didn't have at least a little love for her you wouldn't care what the most alpha response would be because you wouldn't give a fuck.

I don't blame you. Each girl I've ever loved has a piece of my heart but that doesn't mean my life isn't better without them and that I ever want to talk to them again. It just means I'm in a better place now and plan to keep getting better and if they weren't helping that then they are gone.

So how do you respond? What do you say?

NOT A DAMN THING!

[jariel]

(02-05-2016 04:47 PM)BoiBoi Wrote:  

I just finished my good-bye letter. I'll bring it to the post tomorrow. Thank you for your advice and your attention.

No.

She has to find closure on her own, you don't need to break down why you're leaving her, it doesn't matter, because she's not going to change.

She will take her bad habits to the next dude, and he'll find out his own way just like you did.

Burn that letter.

The most powerful letter you can write is to just break it off.

Silence is power.

[Moma]

(02-05-2016 09:08 PM)jariel Wrote:  

No.

She has to find closure on her own, you don't need to break down why you're leaving her, it doesn't matter, because she's not going to change.

She will take her bad habits to the next dude, and he'll find out his own way just like you did.

Jariel, do you think that as men we have a responsibility to correct the rubbish we find along the way? This newer generation has not told lizards how to fix up and they continue to move along with their bad behaviour because betas are not setting them straight. I'm not saying that boiboi should stick around but I've been wondering about this silence game that has been occurring.

I wonder if there is merit to a man telling a lizard why she ain't shyt in a logical, cool and rational manner before going away.

Thoughts?

[Ensam]

The time to correct a chick's behavior and help her grow is when you're in a relationship. Once the relationship is over it's no longer your responsibility nor is any advice you offer likely to be taken with real consideration. Think long and hard about what your real motives for wanting to offer advice after the fact are.

[BassPlayaYo]

What you see is what you get. The women are not going to change, no matter how much logic you rationally and coolly lay down to them. This is especially true when the women are engaged in bad behavior, have a negative outlook and just plain flat out unhappy and disrespectful.

The other thing is that women are to busy trying to change you. :-)

[Lex S.]

My theory is that you'll never see a woman's true colors until you break up. I can't tell you how many times myself or someone I know has had their self-esteem absolutely destroyed by their "soul mate" during a breakup - The stronger the love, the stronger the hate. On the other hand, my last girlfriend was always really sweet and never gave me too much shit during the relationship, and so when it came time to move on it was civil with no hard feelings. While I could never be friends with her, I wouldn't mind catching up with her and would be glad to see her if I ran into her.

I used to try and remain friends with exes/try and work things out with them, and all that did was lead to prolonged agony and holding on to hope. Now when things don't work out I cut off all contact. If they contact me I keep it civil and prompt or just ignore them depending on the situation. It's the only way to move on.

But I'm dealing with rose-colored glasses now. The last girl I dated regularly seemed too good to be true, and the short time we were together was intense and felt amazing. Then she went cold on me out of nowhere and became a a completely different person - Very hostile and emotionally manipulative. Then the nostalgia kicked in and I stupidly tried re-establishing contact to work things out and it backfired. So it was back to NC in order to move on. The only problem is a good friend of mine just started dating her almost immediately after I tried to work things out with her, and he hasn't been able to shut up about how well she's treating him. And this is making me nostalgia so hard and it's fucking with my ability to cut her out of my life completely. But I know it's only a matter of time before her claws come out and he's in my position. I also know that the sweet girl I met probably wasn't real, and the cunty behavior is her true attitude. I actually ran into her this weekend, and when she completely ignored me as I tried to say hello it made me realize how much I don't like her. Also, it weirded me out when I saw him kiss her on the mouth that once took a load of my warm jizz. Now that she's with someone I know very well I definitely can't go back, she's damaged goods.

Long story short, you can never go home again. You can't get back to that honeymoon stage if she's been vindictive or hostile towards you, because you know that personality might pop up at any time.

[Lex S.]

(02-05-2016 09:08 PM)jariel Wrote:  

(02-05-2016 04:47 PM)BoiBoi Wrote:  

I just finished my good-bye letter. I'll bring it to the post tomorrow. Thank you for your advice and your attention.

No.

She has to find closure on her own, you don't need to break down why you're leaving her, it doesn't matter, because she's not going to change.

She will take her bad habits to the next dude, and he'll find out his own way just like you did.

Burn that letter.

The most powerful letter you can write is to just break it off.

Silence is power.

^This^ Sometimes when I'm in a shitty situation with someone I'll write them a letter......But never send it. It's a great outlet because you're saying everything you want to say to the person, and addressing the person in the letter, but they never have to see it.

I've been tempted to contact exes and bring closure (Agreeing that things didn't work out, telling them off, etc.) but it's not worth it. You'll hold more power if you're also willing to walk away.

[spygoat]

4. Good Sex
Most women out there are not great in bed, but there are still a number of them who are. If you've had enough sexual encounters, then chances are you've had enough "good pussy".


[b]Don't allow yourself to be some pussy-whipped ass dude who is scared of going back out in the world, putting in work so that you can shine and become a better man who can get a better bitch who gives you better sex because she actually wants to be with you, and would do [b]anything to keep you in her life[/b].[/b]

These ex-bitches are literally doing things to push you away, so move on to someone who wants to bring you in and not let you go.
[/quote]

^^^^bolded

This is really what it comes down to. Don't get complacent because the sex is great. My thinking and through my experience at least 1 out of 2 girls are freaks and you can basically 'train' them to do whatever you want with the right frame. If you want to shoot loads on her face and shes not into it, be persuasive, try again, and soon enough you'll be dotting eyes and crossing t's.

My point is great sex, or even plain sex IMO is why most fellas out there in the world today stick it out with some chick they hate or that is bad to them. There may have been some wild, passionate nights at the beginning (hell we've all had them), but just remember, there are 3 Billion more out there. Go to med school, start a business, work out --- broads will be flying at you legs open, like big slutty scissors. I'm doing the 3 aforementioned activities only now in my life (age 29) and the biggest reason why I didn't do them previously was letting women get in the way. Stop worrying about them, worry about yourself and the resulting trim you stumble upon will have you like scrooge mcduck in the coin pool.

[BoiBoi]

Just an update: I did not send her the letter.

[pizdets]

Delete, I was drunk.

Wish me luck, it's hard to end a relationship after so many years

[HonantheBarbarian]

Never parlay when you're on the back foot Mr. Pizdets.

You lost frame when you became the consolation prize/gift basket.

[trainwreck]

(09-24-2014 08:39 AM)jamaicabound Wrote:  

Overall I agree with this sentiment. Everytime I've ever gone back to an old relationship it's only a short matter of time before you realize okay my memories of this were better than reality or I remember why I left this.

Yeah, or you realize how she's taken on different habits. In my case, after a 6 month breakup, is she'd swear a lot more, suddenly would feel the need to use snapchat and just in general have a way more masculine vibe and less of the girly naive vibe that she had initially when we first met. It's what keeps me from ever messaging her again

[RockHard]

(02-05-2016 03:54 PM)jariel Wrote:  

These are the issues that men have when they know they should leave women, but they struggle to justify doing so:

1. Nostalgia
Reflecting on the good times, doesn't change the bad times. Every relationship that goes on for an extended period of time will have had good times, that is one reason it has managed to last, because at some point things were good.

The good times don't give you an accurate depiction of the strength of the relationship, the bad times do. The bad times tell you that it's time to get the fuck on, because they have more of an effect than any of the good did.

2. She's A Good Person
All the women we're dealing with aren't bad people. But it's not about them being "good people", we care about them being the right people.

You want a woman who is dedicated to your relationship and respects her role in it. You don't want a woman who wants to compete with you for power and makes a concerted effort to force her will on the relationship.

Ultimately, you might leave her, and at some point, some other guy marries her and has kids with her, good for her, if that man found her to be right for him, good for him, but that doesn't matter to you because she was wrong for you.

You can't think about what you purportedly lost, you have to look at breaking away from her is something that you gain, because it comes with a number of benefits that are going to make you and the life you're leading better.

3. Finances
When people are living together and sharing certain things together, some people don't have the resources to just dip.

When that takes place, you have to forget about how you're "comfortable" in your living situation.

If you have to move out immediately, then get what you can get, it may not be as nice as where you are, but it's automatically better because she's not there.

If you have some time to buy, then go hard on saving some money. Don't spend ANY money on her or "the house". Put together 2-3 months of move-out money, then get the fuck out.

4. Good Sex
Most women out there are not great in bed, but there are still a number of them who are. If you've had enough sexual encounters, then chances are you've had enough "good pussy".

Good sex is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone.

Good sex is the prerequisite for casual relationships that are based on sexual chemistry, but those are inherently short-lived.

However, real relationships are much more complex. Some people are fine when they're laying down and fucking, but their issues resurface as soon as they have to stand up and put their clothes back on.

Don't allow yourself to be some pussy-whipped ass dude who is scared of going back out in the world, putting in work so that you can shine and become a better man who can get a better bitch who gives you better sex because she actually wants to be with you, and would do anything to keep you in her life.

These ex-bitches are literally doing things to push you away, so move on to someone who wants to bring you in and not let you go.

I want to add

5. Children
There is nothing that will stress your relationship like having kids. It'll fuck up your sex life, fuck up your finances, and it adds to the nostalgia, and you'll frequently see her at her best (if you did a decent job picking a mother for your children).

You'll keep staying in it saying it'll be easier when the kids are older.

Ask yourself, are you modeling commitment and dedication, or are you modeling to your kids that committed relationships are misery?

-----------

I'm not writing this to ask for advice, but I'm putting in a personal note so that you know this isn't just theory. This is real experience.

I've been divorced a couple months. My oldest is a teenager, and she's by far taking it the hardest. I really worry about her. The middle one is taking it better, but it's still hard for her. She misses me a lot sometimes. She went through a bedwetting phase again (she's 10). The youngest does pretty well. She misses me sometimes and gets sad but she deals with it.

My kids think a husband & wife kissing is weird.

They think I abandoned them because I'm the one who moved out.

My kid has a friend who has extreme anxiety problems that started after her parents split up. Another friend who attempted suicide after her parents split up.

I have a co-worker whose parents divorced when she was 25 - she's about 40 and she said it still hurts.

And now I think back to when things really got bad, when my youngest was an infant. Or back in 2012 when I told her I wanted a divorce but backed off mostly because I wanted to stay together "for the kids", and I realize that all I did was make it worse.

[jariel]

(02-12-2016 06:34 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

I want to add

5. Children
There is nothing that will stress your relationship like having kids. It'll fuck up your sex life, fuck up your finances, and it adds to the nostalgia, and you'll frequently see her at her best (if you did a decent job picking a mother for your children).

You'll keep staying in it saying it'll be easier when the kids are older.

Ask yourself, are you modeling commitment and dedication, or are you modeling to your kids that committed relationships are misery?

-----------

I'm not writing this to ask for advice, but I'm putting in a personal note so that you know this isn't just theory. This is real experience.

I've been divorced a couple months. My oldest is a teenager, and she's by far taking it the hardest. I really worry about her. The middle one is taking it better, but it's still hard for her. She misses me a lot sometimes. She went through a bedwetting phase again (she's 10). The youngest does pretty well. She misses me sometimes and gets sad but she deals with it.

My kids think a husband & wife kissing is weird.

They think I abandoned them because I'm the one who moved out.

My kid has a friend who has extreme anxiety problems that started after her parents split up. Another friend who attempted suicide after her parents split up.

I have a co-worker whose parents divorced when she was 25 - she's about 40 and she said it still hurts.

And now I think back to when things really got bad, when my youngest was an infant. Or back in 2012 when I told her I wanted a divorce but backed off mostly because I wanted to stay together "for the kids", and I realize that all I did was make it worse.

Valid point, yes people will definitely rationalize things because of the kids.

I didn't mention that one because most of our guys here are unmarried and without children.

Most of this advice is based on people who are in relationships, but they're not married.

I have never been married, so I try to not speak on that, we have guys here who are who are better sources of information on how the game changes when you are married and/or do have children.

Thanks for your contribution.

[redbeard]

My ex called me, after a year and change of no contact. Crying and wondering why we weren't together.

When we got off the phone this was the first page I opened. Thanks, jariel