Pretty personal story, but it'd be interesting to hear a player's perspective.

My mother has been seeing this guy for about 9 years. They were "engaged" though never had serious plans to officially tie the not. He got her a ring years ago.

I'm not the least bit surprised he'd been seeing other people, in fact I would think him strange if he wasn't. Reason being he is only in his early 50's and not a bad looking cat, plus him and my mother live about 1000 miles way from eachother, and she is not the best looker these days as she is in her late 50's, and a recent cancer survivor. They plan trips a few times a year to see eachother and they talk on the phone daily multiple times.

Anyway Yesterday she learned he had been seeing someone else for about a year and they summarily broke up. Although my mother is in her late 50's, and is no stranger to adultery (she cheated on my father multiple times and left him) - she is predictably heart broken.

She is recognizing that she is far past her prime and her probability of finding a man to grow old with is very low. It's tough watching her cope with that.

She is likely correct. She may not find another man to spend the last couple decades of her life with. As a loving son, how would you console her?

I identify with her ex's position far more than hers. I have zero experience being old and facing the downslope of my life without a partner. I've been telling her not to worry about meeting new men and instead focus on the people in your life who matter most: family.

I think that is good advice but people naturally favor finding a partner in that phase of life. I would encourage her to eat well, exercise and put herself in social situations where she can meet friends and potentially a good man. I would also encourage her to date older, 65 plus.

So your mom Eat, Pray, Love'd your dad and missed the landing. She bought into the myth that women over 35 can easily upgrade their husbands and be considered better people for doing it.

Dalrock's latest post talks about it - the dirty secret behind Elizabeth Gilbert's "upgraded" husband is that he's 15 years older, overweight, balding and shorter than her...not much of an upgrade at all. Sounds more like she saw the same thing your mother is seeing and grabbed the first guy available. Then created a magical romantic fantasy about it to sell books.

My advice is to tell her to look for men in their 70s who just don't want to die alone. Maybe even get an inheritance out of it.

EDIT:My comments were unnecessarily harsh considering it's your mom. Apologies.

Console her.

As for no options, you underestimate thirst.

Fifty is still young enough to lose weight and get out there.

WIA

Family friends in the 55+ bracket seem to have ended up in one of these buckets:
1) single and bitter or just living for themselves - helped along by their kids, life savings or divorce settlement, and or bennies by virtue of residence in liberal states. Not willing to deal with someone else's quirks.
2) find someone older - a 55+ woman, even after claiming she's 50, will generally end up with a man of 65+. Guys online round down their age, too.
3) use a niche dating site and ride, ride, ride the hordes of betas. For websites, think nationality, religion, disability (yes, disability) and not Match or Our Time.

Most 55+ women end up online dating. A pleasant personality helps.

Even in older demographics, there are a lot of beta guys who can't pull or keep a woman interested...if they never learned game, they're not real likely to pick it up after retirement. Most guys on online dating at that age have some money, but they're still split into the guys with their shit together and the gameless.

Most women who try online dating love the attention, but are unsatisfied with the quality they're able to get (ie fit, handsome, alpha, and especially - rich). Many will ride the post-divorce carousel 2.0 looking for the perfect guy, and don't know to satisfice and settle down.

Verdict: be social, be a catch, try online dating, find someone good enough.

Disclsimer: they need to know how to spot scammers online, there's a lot of them asking for money.

Quote:Quote:

Although my mother is in her late 50's, and is no stranger to adultery (she cheated on my father multiple times and left him)

I'm not sure there is much advice that can offered to a serial adulterer. She slept around on your dad, and now has very little marketability left when it comes to the dating realm. Lets take the example of this man she was just dating. First off, if a man is serious about making a life together with a woman, it does NOT take him NINE years to decide if he wants to put a ring on it. Furthermore, if he was truly interested in your mom, he would have found a way to close the 1,000 mile distance gap between them. He enjoyed the companionship of your mother, but to be quite frank, I find it hard to believe that he was exclusive to her. She allowed herself to be treated as a side piece, and as such, she ended up single again. Distance creates opportunity for infidelity, and this certainly did not disprove this rule.

Given your mom's host of problems (health, infidelity, lack of character judgement, lack of future-time orientation, etc.), I honestly believe it would be in your best interest to coach her to take care of herself first and foremost, and not look to a man to resolve her issues. I don't think she is in any shape to date and enter a healthy relationship with a man. Doing so will probably make the man miserable, and why would you want to inflict that on an unsuspecting man? This is a sad tale, and I am not gleeful in the least in treating your mother as just another cultural footnote. That being said, there is another path.

Encourage your mother to get proper sleep, join the gym/yoga, eat healthy, reduce TV/internet time wasted, etc. Coax her to cultivate some female friendships. If finances are tough for her, get her to consider sharing space with female friends to keep the bills down. Tell her to volunteer to keep her social life alive, which helps fight depression and other health issues. Ultimately, your mother is better off single from everything you wrote above. That doesn't mean she has to be a hermit, but I must conclude she is in no shape to better the life of another man, and as such, you have a moral obligation to not inflict suffering on another man for no reason.

Why does anyone bother with long-distance relationships?

I recommend she join a Toastmasters club. There are lots of quality men there.

She should re-connect from someone in her distant past.

Either a male childhood friend, a guy she went to school with age 13-19, one of her first 5 boyfriends or a guy she knew from university.
Those links usually can be rekindled pretty easily throughout life, much more so than someone you met after you started working and/or had a family.

Women are experts at re-appearing in men's lives when we least expect them, and I'm sure there's loads of dudes (*cough* beta nice guys *cough*) she turned down or broke up with when she was young, with that still would want to spend time with her regardless of her post wall status.

I would say most all of the "transformation" advice for my mother can go out the Window. Without going into a lot of minutia detail: my mother is not cut out for online dating. She is a grandmother and acts like it.

He body is scarred up from plastic surgery and radiation due to cancer. Her hair is growing back, but she definitely feels very out of touch with her femininity.

Quote: (04-15-2016 01:54 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

I would say most all of the "transformation" advice for my mother can go out the Window. Without going into a lot of minutia detail: my mother is not cut out for online dating. She is a grandmother and acts like it.

He body is scarred up from plastic surgery and radiation due to cancer. Her hair is growing back, but she definitely feels very out of touch with her femininity.

Question is and this may seem harsh but what possible value does she have to offer at this point for any man?

At this stage in life a more suitable companion would be a cat.

There's only one way for her to ever be happy: regular access to young, loving grandchildren.

EDIT: Your advice is good though. It may not make your mother truly happy but it may at least give her life purpose and companionship. Many people live out their twilight years without happiness... Life rarely has a fairy tale ending unfortunately.

Your advice is good. Tell her to get active in her church. Lots of beta providers hanging around looking for a woman. I know a couple 50+ women who do this very successfully.

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:06 PM)RIslander Wrote:  

There's only one way for her to ever be happy: regular access to young, loving grandchildren.

EDIT: Your advice is good though. It may not make your mother truly happy but it may at least give her life purpose and companionship. Many people live out their twilight years without happiness... Life rarely has a fairy tale ending unfortunately.

This is something I brought up to her this morning. She was being real doom and gloom about "having nothing to live for anymore" and I reminded her she had a family and life wasn't about some man she's been seeing for a few years. Someday I'd like to have children and I'd like my parents to be around for that, and I'm sure they would want to be around as well.

I think the best thing would be for her to move back east and be near our family. With her sisters, parents, her other son, and her grandson.

Also, she is religious and used to go to church fairly regularly. I think it would be good advice to get her to go back.

^If she has several family members living close by that she gets along well with and a son who calls and visits from time to time, then she should be ok. So moving there is a good idea I think (would be regardless of the recent developments). Church and other social activities will help her get out of her head. Give her some time to get over this, it's natural that she first has to come to terms with what happened.

Quote: (04-15-2016 01:25 PM)polar Wrote:  

A pleasant personality helps.

I think this is something that men want at every age.

Quote: (04-15-2016 01:27 PM)John Michael Kane Wrote:  

Quote:Quote:

Although my mother is in her late 50's, and is no stranger to adultery (she cheated on my father multiple times and left him)

I'm not sure there is much advice that can offered to a serial adulterer. She slept around on your dad, and now has very little marketability left when it comes to the dating realm.

I do wonder if the OP's mom reflects on what emotional damage she created when she cheated. The fastest way to healing is to be responsible. Holding onto the victim card is very energy draining and limits opportunities to have a joyful life. I am sure everyone has been around someone who plays the victim card nonstop - do they seem happy/fulfilled? Probably not.

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:06 PM)RIslander Wrote:  

There's only one way for her to ever be happy: regular access to young, loving grandchildren.

I hope that would be the solution. Being around a loving family.


OP, I am not trying to be mean, just that sometimes medicine doesn't taste good.

OP how loving is your family dynamic? Did her infidelity poison the relationships within the family? Hopefully not.

1) Give her sometime to cool off a bit - depending how recent all this news is - she may not be in any mindset to make healthy choices. Let he wallow in her victimhood for a bit - have a series of good cries, etc.
2) At some point encourage to her to be responsible about all of this - have her own things like - how likely it would work out after 9 years, since they saw each other infrequently, how likely was it that he would seek other company, have her try and be honest with herself about what she chose not to see - owning the situation is and realizing her role would help her get past this - if she wants to hold onto the image of being a victim - then it will be a long haul.

I'm moved by the empathy and sincerity expressed in these responses. And imagining how a female forum would respond if the roles were reversed, if the parent in question here were the father, not the mother.

Quote: (04-15-2016 05:28 PM)ElFlaco Wrote:  

I'm moved by the empathy and sincerity expressed in these responses. And imagining how a female forum would respond if the roles were reversed, if the parent in question here were the father, not the mother.

While I respect your comment, not all members of the forum have spoken, there are some who could care less or even think she got what she deserved. There is still time for them to post. There are some here who lack any compassion and I only think the OP is getting this support because he is a respected member of the forum.

If this was just a story with no ties to the forum (i.e. relative) I am sure the feedback may be a bit more negative.

I appreciate this forum a great deal, but I felt I had to provide some context/perspective for fair presentation of facts. See this thread for some of the aggression that is possible. thread-55129...pid1276162

I was only reasonable on that thread that I posted because she gave her husband the best years of her life (she got married at 20). I have no compassion for woman who burned their best years fucking around and then cry about not being wanted. If the OP's mom fit in that category, she gets my compassion because of him.

Elflaco

If you have an alternate opinion then express it. No need to make allusions as to what women would do.

Samsamsam is right. The responses thus far reflect respect for a fellow member who has made contributions to this forum. It is easy to tee off on a nondescript person, but this is his mother in question.

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:23 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

This is something I brought up to her this morning. She was being real doom and gloom about "having nothing to live for anymore" ....
...
I think the best thing would be for her to move back east and be near our family. With her sisters, parents, her other son, and her grandson.

Can you see the unpleasant discrepancy between both bold sentences?

A woman has "sisters, parents, sons, grandson", but nevertheless says she has nothing to live for?? What more does she want (or need, really), at 55 years old, than her healthy and not-small family?

At 55+, a woman should live with and for the love of her family, not dream about exciting sentimental adventures, or romantic trips or whatever... just my opinion here.

Quote: (04-15-2016 05:46 PM)Dantes Wrote:  

Elflaco

If you have an alternate option then express it. Samsamsam is right. The responses thus far reflect respect for a fellow member who has made contributions to this forum. It is easy to tee off on a nondescript person, but this is his mother in question.

You've made me think more clearly about what I was getting at. I meant empathy for the OP, so I agree with you.

If my mother cheated on my dad multiple times, there is no way in the world I would have any compassion for her, I wouldn't even be bothered about trying to ensure that she will find someone to settle with. There is no love for cheaters, that goes for strangers or family.

OP I wonder how this affected you in terms of dealing with women. Do you find it hard to trust women?

Quote: (04-15-2016 05:23 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 01:25 PM)polar Wrote:  

A pleasant personality helps.

I think this is something that men want at every age.

Quote: (04-15-2016 01:27 PM)John Michael Kane Wrote:  

Quote:Quote:

Although my mother is in her late 50's, and is no stranger to adultery (she cheated on my father multiple times and left him)

I'm not sure there is much advice that can offered to a serial adulterer. She slept around on your dad, and now has very little marketability left when it comes to the dating realm.

I do wonder if the OP's mom reflects on what emotional damage she created when she cheated. The fastest way to healing is to be responsible. Holding onto the victim card is very energy draining and limits opportunities to have a joyful life. I am sure everyone has been around someone who plays the victim card nonstop - do they seem happy/fulfilled? Probably not.

Probably not is probably right. While this is my mother I am perfectly aware she is a woman like any other, and not a model one at that. She cheated on my father with awful men for unjust and selfish reasons, and to make matters worse, moved thousands of miles away from her children. She never quite recognized what this did to our childhood.

She is not able to see that, especially now as this new wound is fresh and she is very "woe is me."

Quote: (04-15-2016 05:23 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:06 PM)RIslander Wrote:  

There's only one way for her to ever be happy: regular access to young, loving grandchildren.

I hope that would be the solution. Being around a loving family.


OP, I am not trying to be mean, just that sometimes medicine doesn't taste good.

OP how loving is your family dynamic? Did her infidelity poison the relationships within the family? Hopefully not.

Our family is a mess and not tightly knit. My father never really dated after my mother left him. His answer to that was always "I married the woman I love." Needless to see he is very bitter and lonely nowadays. Between his heartache and my mother taking off when we were still young, my brother and I never had the best and healthiest outlook on family or relationships.

That said, we take of our own as needed. I moved across the country to take care of my mother while she went through cancer treatment. Back East, my brother is taking care of my father and his medical issues. We just aren't great at smoothing the rough edges of family crisis.

Quote: (04-15-2016 05:23 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

1) Give her sometime to cool off a bit - depending how recent all this news is - she may not be in any mindset to make healthy choices. Let he wallow in her victimhood for a bit - have a series of good cries, etc.
2) At some point encourage to her to be responsible about all of this - have her own things like - how likely it would work out after 9 years, since they saw each other infrequently, how likely was it that he would seek other company, have her try and be honest with herself about what she chose not to see - owning the situation is and realizing her role would help her get past this - if she wants to hold onto the image of being a victim - then it will be a long haul.

My mother is an intelligent woman, and she will surely be able to come to grips and see the err in this later on, though her outlook on life and relationships is rather unorthodox. She is very content being alone, but she longs for the feeling of companionship in some capacity. She is still a woman and a mother and longs to nurture someone, have a phone to answer/someone to call etc.

She is not the healthiest of people. I don't just mean physically; she has been a functional alcoholic all of my life and it has gotten worse - likely what lead to her cancer. She does not have a healthy coping mechanism.

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:01 PM)Going strong Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:23 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

This is something I brought up to her this morning. She was being real doom and gloom about "having nothing to live for anymore" ....
...
I think the best thing would be for her to move back east and be near our family. With her sisters, parents, her other son, and her grandson.

Can you see the unpleasant discrepancy between both bold sentences?

A woman has "sisters, parents, sons, grandson", but nevertheless says she has nothing to live for?? What more does she want (or need, really), at 55 years old, than her healthy and not-small family?

At 55+, a woman should live with and for the love of her family, not dream about exciting sentimental adventures, or romantic trips or whatever... just my opinion here.

You are correct and that is exactly what I told her. I tried to point out the hypocrisy and shortsightedness in her logic. Telling her that saying she has "nothing to live for" is a bit of a disrespect to her family - the people that truly matter. She is just very stuck in the here-and-now of this incident.

In the long run, I would think it best for her to move back East to be near her family. There's nothing out here for her, besides these mountains that she likes a lot.

Quote:Quote:

If my mother cheated on my dad multiple times, there is no way in the world I would have any compassion for her, I wouldn't even be bothered about trying to ensure that she will find someone to settle with. There is no love for cheaters, that goes for strangers or family.

I don't appreciate what she did to my father or the family, but she is still my mother and she still brought me into this world. She has made lots of effort to make up for lost time and is there for me when needed.

Quote:Quote:

OP I wonder how this affected you in terms of dealing with women. Do you find it hard to trust women?

Absolutely. My personal experiences and the red pill only compound this.

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:39 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:01 PM)Going strong Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 02:23 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

This is something I brought up to her this morning. She was being real doom and gloom about "having nothing to live for anymore" ....
...
I think the best thing would be for her to move back east and be near our family. With her sisters, parents, her other son, and her grandson.

Can you see the unpleasant discrepancy between both bold sentences?

A woman has "sisters, parents, sons, grandson", but nevertheless says she has nothing to live for?? What more does she want (or need, really), at 55 years old, than her healthy and not-small family?

At 55+, a woman should live with and for the love of her family, not dream about exciting sentimental adventures, or romantic trips or whatever... just my opinion here.

You are correct and that is exactly what I told her. I tried to point out the hypocrisy and shortsightedness in her logic. Telling her that saying she has "nothing to live for" is a bit of a disrespect to her family - the people that truly matter. She is just very stuck in the here-and-now of this incident.

In the long run, I would think it best for her to move back East to be near her family. There's nothing out here for her, besides these mountains that she likes a lot.

I agree with your analysis of her real situation and what should be her priorities, at 55+.

Also, I could bet she told you that ("nothing to live for anymore"), to "troll" you, to provoke a reaction (she knew her sons would feel bad about such a hurtful statement)... She was just asking for attention, not really believing what she was saying (absolutely classic female behavior actually)?.

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:51 PM)Going strong Wrote:  

Also, I could bet she told you that ("nothing to live for anymore"), to "troll" you, to provoke a reaction (she knew her sons would feel bad about such a hurtful statement)... She was just asking for attention, not really believing what she was saying (absolutely classic female behavior actually)?.

I highly doubt she had that kind of agenda. She is really just saying emotional shit that a woman says when her heart is broken. Dramatic.

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:54 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Quote: (04-15-2016 06:51 PM)Going strong Wrote:  

Also, I could bet she told you that ("nothing to live for anymore"), to "troll" you, to provoke a reaction (she knew her sons would feel bad about such a hurtful statement)... She was just asking for attention, not really believing what she was saying (absolutely classic female behavior actually)?.

I highly doubt she had that kind of agenda. She is really just saying emotional shit that a woman says when her heart is broken. Dramatic.

Ok, then it's more serious than I thought... I don't know what would console her at this point, then. Maybe invite her to some short family holiday with the grandson? Put her on a cruise ship, if she absolutely wants to keep on dating, at her age...