[MANic]

This is a fairly interesting scenario and a real conundrum.

The house and and patrimonial benefit is really inconsequential in the grander scheme and you should really attach no great persuasive value to it. Further, your sister (with all due respect) is obviously unlikely to exercise any great care and can likely not be relied upon in any eventuality.

The real value judgement is weighing your freedom and youth ("hedonic window") against any duty to exercise personal care in respect of your mother (as informed by your own individual moral code and conscience).
It is a threefold question:
1. Does a duty of personal care exist as per your own belief system, how strong is such duty should it exist and what precisely would such a duty entail? In the practical case of your mother, what duties would you realistically be expected to perform in the exercise of such care?
2. How much does individual freedom, flexibility and liberty matter to you and to what extent would you be willing to forego some of this freedom? To what extent will this freedom be limited by caring for your mother?
3. Compare and evaluate the above and try and arrive at a value judgement. You should also remain cognizant of the many variables (uncertain duration of your mother's life for instance) and entertain any reasonable intermediate alternatives.

I feel this to be the most prudent test for you as opposed to tests likely placing yourself in your mum's position etc.

Best of luck and you have our support regardless of the decision you arrive at. Theoretically I would be willing to forego my own freedom to care for a parent simply because of the high value I place on the latter, though there really is no objective truth and moral right.

I know two acquaintances of my dad who chose to look after their mums and today both are in their sixties alone and mildly depressed - probably a result of the neglect of themselves.

I know a couple of people who cared little for their parents and now after their parents deaths express little or no remorse - though their sense of morality clearly did not demand it and there is not a chance in hell any of their kids will even look at them in their times of need (you will not fall into this category though, since even if you choose not to live with her, judging from the sincerity of your post, you will never really neglect her either).

[joost]

I didn't read all replies but I'm with Rocha.

It's easy to say "it's your mom, go on and take care of her" but basically you're renouncing YOUR life. It's going to tax your physical and mental health.
If tomorrow you become a vegetable, would you want to be a burden to your family? Doubt it.

All your family living in a big house is a terrible idea. Doesn't matter if it's a villa in South of France. Your life will become miserable.

Sell her house, put the money on a trust dedicated to finance your mom's expenses. RENT a SMALL and cozy place. Hire a Mexican Grandma (woman in her 40,50s) to take care of your mom two to three times a week. Install cameras so you can see your mom (in case of emergency) and to intimidate the "nurse". Your family split the other days.

This setup won't be stressful to your family since each family member just need to spend a day each week to help.
Financially it is doable. Your mom's house is going to be worth enough to pay for a small place rent. A nurse is expensive but I imagine you can find a cheaper alternative if you give them the proper instructions. Your family can split the cost of her salary.

Depending on how long your mom lives, the house equity will be gone. But it was hers to start with. Don't expect to get something when she passes.

Maybe your family can invest the proceeds of the house sale and put it in a investment fund. If the house is 250k you might get 12k annually. Could be a way to pay her rent without spending the principal.

Talk to a financial advisor.
Talk to an attorney.

You must be under stress. Take a day off to relax and try to think clearly. Do not waste your life.

[Leonard D Neubache]

(12-16-2017 12:51 AM)Rocha Wrote:  

All this talk about heritage and money...this simply makes me sick to read. We are not talking about a Rockefeller type of heritage, a 50k house is just peanuts, it is an average american yearly salary, this money will be spent very easily with imagine an hipotetical bad bet in a business venture or similar, or worst in healthcare, since you or any of us is getting any younger.
...

Peanuts to you, but for some people it's a reality that they have to live with at that point in their lives. For some people the time they spend nursing a dying relative is time they can't spend working their minimum wage job at a scrap yard.

He asked for advice based on the reality of his situation, and the reasonable presumption is that the financial numbers were given because they're relevant . The dirt people have bills to pay, too.

[JimBobsCooters]

(12-18-2017 06:40 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

(12-16-2017 12:51 AM)Rocha Wrote:  

All this talk about heritage and money...this simply makes me sick to read. We are not talking about a Rockefeller type of heritage, a 50k house is just peanuts, it is an average american yearly salary, this money will be spent very easily with imagine an hipotetical bad bet in a business venture or similar, or worst in healthcare, since you or any of us is getting any younger.
...

Peanuts to you, but for some people it's a reality that they have to live with at that point in their lives. For some people the time they spend nursing a dying relative is time they can't spend working their minimum wage job at a scrap yard.

He asked for advice based on the reality of his situation, and the reasonable presumption is that the financial numbers were given because they're relevant . The dirt people have bills to pay, too.

Further to that he also posted that it's significantly more than the made up amount in the first post in a later post.

Agree entirely though, for some people half of 50k means they'll live rent and mortgage free for the rest of their lives which is just an amazing difference in ones outlook on life.

[Nordwand]

I've heard enough of these stories first hand over the years to know that people do not play fair. How many times have you seen an article in the paper where the dutiful son puts his life on hold to care for his mother, throws away his best years, and then sees the estate going to the favourite daughter, whilst he gets nothing?

Do not move in, do not act as a 24/7 carer, and do not expect your sister to pull her weight. If things go south, the only people to profit will be lawyers, who will happily burn through your mother's modest nest egg without a second thought.

[Leonard D Neubache]

JBC, it's not so much the money itself as the implications.

Honestly, giving advice based on one set of figures can be highly detrimental if the real figures are nearly an order of magnitude higher.

If someone says "help, I've got 10k and..." it's a shitload different from someone saying "help, I've got 100k and..."

What are the options for professional care, realistically speaking?
How do you reassess Carla's strength of motivation?

Quote:

- As far as heritage and/or money, the numbers I quoted in my original post aren't the real numbers. Significantly higher than the $50K/$10K example, but not in the $1M neighborhood. Not even in the same zip code.

May as well disregard much of the advice I gave initially.

[LowerCaseG]

Shouldn't your mother qualify for a Medicaid nursing home? That is one option.

You will never be able to afford caring for her outside of the nursing home. The 60k in equity will disappear in months.

Forgive me but 60k between two people does not sound like the type of inheritance worth fighting over. You have 3 children and I am sorry to say but they are a priority.

If I were in your position I think having Carla move in and take care of everything and get everything would be a blessing.

[polar]

Just two cents on what has not been said already...if any real estate is being bought and sold, you should do a 1031 exchange if possible, instead of taking profits and getting taxed. Especially if you don't have a reason to cash out.

If the care is going to be on you, maybe you can take the equity in your mom's and your home, roll them into a property you can live and rent out, and if needed, make arrangements with your sister to cash her share out over time to save the family in taxes.

Are lower-cost locations (cheaper nearby towns, etc.) an option? Alternatively, a family I know had two houses on the same block...a ranch for the elderly grandmother (80 but mobile), and the family home for two parents and two children. Easy to check in, privacy, space, yet close in an emergency. Other family would check in on granny every week too.

Sounds like your steps are
Power of attorney
Sister's level of contribution (time and money)
Estate questions, real estate questions (where to live)
Agreeing on finances and tax questions
Identifying backup care options (sitters if both you and sister are out of town, for instance)
Discussing worst-case situations (if mom becomes bed-ridden, needs full time care, etc.)

My best wishes to you in your situation.

[Sam Malone]

I'll try and post the details of the last couple of days after this, but I want to take a moment to cover this:

(12-18-2017 10:30 AM)LowerCaseG Wrote:  

Shouldn't your mother qualify for a Medicaid nursing home? That is one option.

Carla and I spoke to a social worker regarding Medicaid and our options.

The way the social worker explained it, Eunice has too much in assets and cash (401K and other stuff) that at the moment, she wouldn't qualify for Medicaid.

The recipient of the services (Eunice) is allowed one home and one vehicle, provided that she is the resident of the home as well as the car being used for her (while she can't drive, it can be used by Carla and I to take her to various appointments, grocery shopping, road trips, and so on).

There is a program that she would qualify for, it basically involves funneling X dollars through Medicaid, almost like a reverse mortgage. That would allow Eunice to get some in home care (someone there during the day and/or night).

Here are the catches...

- She would have to essentially 'burn through' X dollars to be below the Medicaid threshold. If I remember correctly, I think that threshold number is a hair under $15K.

* Carla opined (somewhat jokingly, in all fairness) that "we could go through the difference real quick", suggesting that both her and I could pay off a few things of ours, and simply replenish the money in another account for Eunice. The social worker was quick to cut her off, and stated that Medicaid would consider that a sort of defrauding.

- Medicaid would want a detailed report of how and where that money prior to Medicaid assistance is/was spent. In simpler terms, why did she have $XK in her account in December, but only has $14K in her account in January ?

*Eunice always enjoyed Christmas shopping for everyone, including the kids, both mine and extended family. When we posed this to the social worker, that Eunice was normally a 'big spender', the social worker was adamant about the spending, and cited cases from his own experiences where this argument "didn't fly with Medicaid".

Me: "(Social worker), Eunice always liked getting big ticket items for Christmas. Heck, last year when I bought my oldest a PS4, she bought him about $300 in games for it."
Social Worker: "Doesn't matter. They (Medicaid) want to know why she's spending X dollars prior to getting the services."
Me: "Wait... even if it's Christmas ? I mean, that was HER, that's what she always did anyway, spend like that. I could see if it was the middle of July, but-"
Social Worker: "I get you, Sam, my mother is the same way, especially at Christmas... but Medicaid doesn't care what time of year it is."

So even if Carla and I wanted to funnel Eunice's money to a different account, via spending Eunice's money and replenishing it in a separate account not attached to Eunice (or for that matter, keeping it out of the bank and hiding straight cash), Medicaid STILL wants to know where that money went.

I've drifted off the topic of this post...

- If that Eunice could get under the threshold, let's then say Medicaid would provide (for sake of discussion), $3K in services per month. In one year, that's $36K, two years is $72K, and so on.

- In the event that Eunice passes, Medicaid wants their money/investment back. Using the $3K/month, if Eunice lives two years and passes, Medicaid wants their $72K back. And Medicaid could order the house sold to recoup their investment.

Now I understand why seniors hide money in coffee cans and between mattresses.

[LowerCaseG]

Take some of the 401k proceeds and pay off the mortgage. That might help. I know there is a lookback period. I would recommend getting a 2nd opinion. Talk to a lawyer this time not a social worker. Especially if the Social worker was working for the state, they are always trying to tell people they don't qualify. If you are able to get organized and present the finances in a clear manner so the attorney doesn't have to sift through it to figure out what's going on, it shouldn't be that expensive.

Regardless a nursing home will cost between 9-15k a month out of your pocket with no subsidies so whatever cash there is will be gone in less than a year. Eventually she will qualify. It is also common for the nursing home to apply on her behalf so they keep getting paid.

[christpuncher]

My dad and mom have looked after my grandma and grandpa, now only grandma, for almost 20 years. She lives in her own house just down the road... My aunt, the only other child, lives 6 hours away. She visits twice a year when she can, has her own health problems and is also very broke compared to my parents.

Shes still going to get half, maybe not deservedly so... but c'est la vie. Life's not always fair, and you can't control everything everyone else does. Life is not always about money and balancing debts and services. If you choose to care for you mother you have to let go of the expectations that your good deed will be recognised. Shed away those negative feelings caused by your owns wishes of how others should act. Focus on the good you are doing and be pleased with yourself for its own reward.

Your first priority should be to your kids to ensure their growth into young adults isn't affected negatively by whatever living situation you're in.

Seconds should be your kid's good relationship with each other, their cousins and aunt... These are the longest lasting relationships in your family that are being moulded right now. They have another 60 years.

Third is the relationship with your sister. You have another 30 years together still... Careful making bad memories which could be regretted and be a source of conflict long after your mother is gone.

Last but not least should be the comforts of your mother. She may have to sacrifice sometimes, and if she cant afford her own house and upkeep, will have to do without her freedom or her family some of the time, and only be able to do things when you offer.

I'd suggest trying to offer assuming POA from your sister from the perspective of removing the burden from her. That her contribution is too great (lol not) and that you should assume that role and she can contribute in some easier (to her) manner.

Similarly convince your mother that your sister is suffering from this responsibility and needs to be spared the anguish.

Best of luck Sam, you're obviously a good family man.

[Renton1875]

Sympathy's Sam. This post is written on the belief that you are genuinely concerned for Eunice's welfare and her immediate/future care. From your posts I believe you are.

You bring an interesting dilemma to the forum, one which the younger members will have no comprehension of, but as the forum ages, the older members of say late 30's - early 40's and older are becoming to be more aware of, as in, what problems lie on the horizon for their parents. Whether it's the arranging of funds for care, arranging of finances to benefit from any care packages, POA's, anything that could create a problem further down the line.

Have that conversation with your parents NOW. Get it sorted ASAP. Always be aware of all local regulations on requirements of finance etc. Always be in a position to use any subsidised care to your own advantage. An hours worth of family conversation, a couple of hours researching local healthcare requirements. It's gonna save you a whole lot of stress after the fact.

In an ideal world we would grow old healthy into our 80's, seeing the grand children and great-grand children thrive and prosper, then one night we go to bed and never wake up. Quick, clean and relatively painless, little bit sorrow, few tears at funeral, life goes on for everybody. He had a good innings. Happy days. Unfortunately that isn't always the way of things.




My $0.02 on your own case Sam

As most have said POA is a must, even jointly with Carla if that is the only option at the moment. SHE can't have it on her own. Both Carla and Eddie already know they hold all the cards, if Eunice get's to the stage of others having to act on her behalf Carla will make all the decisions, good or bad. These can be both financial and welfare decisions!

Talking of Eunice, at this moment in time is Eunice still capable of making her own decisions and holding conversations, etc? This would be essential for any changes in the POA.

Say she is still able. If Eunice wants to spend whatever she wants on Christmas gifts (or even fuckin bitcoins) on children, grand-children, whoever, WTF has it got to do with a social worker. They are scaremongering you, trying to protect their budget. Proof could be furnished with bank statements from previous years to verify.

To be honest, it looks like your gonna be the one left holding the baby here, so to speak. You can have as many conversations with Eunice as you want, sometimes parents, even though it is clear as day in their face what is happening, will refuse to do anything to upset a child of theirs, more often than not a Mother-Daughter pair.

It's gonna be a hard sell even trying to get joint POA, rather than asking Carla to hand it over to you solely. (I think Eddie would have something to say about that, funnily enough.) Fuck Eddie, if your gonna be left holding that baby, have that conversation TODAY, get your name on that POA. Without it you don't even have a say in matters!

Use the caring/residential argument as leverage as to why you should be on the POA. When it is re-written, have clauses of responsibilities of the POA's tying Carla legally into some responsibility for your mother, if she can't fulfil these responsibilities agreed to, she can't be a POA.

Nursing care is expensive, overnight care is astronomical. How do you get within the budget thresholds you say. How in your position, of probably going to be the primary career for Eunice for the foreseeable future, are you going to turn a bad situation into a better situation for Eunice, yourself and your kids.

It's emotionally, mentally and physically draining, but move in with Eunice. She's your mother who brought you into this world, she nurtured you through childhood into adulthood. Because you are even having this conversation proves both your mom and dad brought you up well, your sister is a cunt.

You could possibly remodel the basement for you and the kids to move in permanently (maybe up to AirB&B/rental standard,for the kids obviously) ($$$). Eunice probably deserves one of those new mobility scooters too ($$$). Scooter lift for automobile so gran-ma can come on days out with kids ($$$). Access ramps built around the house ($$$). Christmas presents all round (even buy the social worker one, for being so helpful!) ($$$). Anything to make Eunice as comfortable as possible ($$$$$). Hows that bank balance looking now Sam? What would your dad say about it if he was here?

Don't sell your house, rent it out for the duration. Have a monthly rent coming in to your pocket while you are looking after Eunice.(net gain) Eventually you are going to need to live somewhere else at sometime, why sell your own house, that is potentially your children's inheritance. Fuck that.

Living in to look after Eunice ain't gonna be easy, but does it have any benefits. It technically should absolve you of any bills in her property although a small donation towards utilities should be considered.(net gain) What, if anything, you get paid for your time and commitment would have to be agreed between all parties beforehand.(net gain) Any agreements on set times/days/nights cunt sister comes to do a share (to give you respite) should be locked into the POA so as if/when she fucks up, action can be taken.(net gain)

Being a live in carer for a parent will certainly change your life, it should not end your life! Hell, some girls even sympathise with your caring nature and position you're in when they find out, not to mention the nubile young care givers you can pick to care for Eunice !! Having a proper schedule written up is the secret, care, responsibilities, timetable, diary etc, these must be set in stone. No variations, everyone knows where they stand, everyone knows what they have to do and when they have to do it. Without this you will remain in the position you are just now, chaos.

Shitty position to be in Sam, but what's the other option, care home with who knows what going on with the nurses/assistants etc. Hey, it may come to that, but in the meantime if your mom is still able to live in her own home, where she brought up her own family, lovingly, she deserves that chance.

Or you could just walk away!

Stay strong Sam. Good luck.

[Caractacus Potts]

Sam,

I am sorry you are in this position. I am not in it yet, but I have seen it play out in my family and others.

You are going to be left holding the bag. Eddie probably does not want to have to do too much with regards to Eunice, but my gut tells me that he is a convenient excuse for Carla.

You need to get the POA. Sine qua non.

You will do everything for your mother and when she passes your sister will wail and beat her breast and everyone will hear about how hard it was for "poor" Carla.

You said that Carla does not have any kids. Yours will pick up on who is doing the heavy lifting - you.

When I was a kid and my grandmother was still alive, we (my dad) picked her up for church every Sunday and took her out to breakfast. My mom did her laundry and shopping for the week. But my grandmother always excused her own daughter because she had five kids (we were three) and she was so busy.

Never forget that your mother is a woman and there will be cognitive dissonance with regards to your sister.

When my grandmother died my aunt fought with my dad who had POA. She went around my grandmother's condo and put pieces of tape with her childrens' names on items she wanted them to get.

My cousins were older than me and my siblings. My grandma helped pay for their educations as well as for the oldest grandchild's wedding. This is something that sticks in my own mother's craw to this day.

The funny thing is...the husband of the oldest cousin has complained to me that now that my aunt and uncle are too old to care for themselves he and his wife are doing the lion's share of the work and her siblings (his brothers and sisters-in law) are not doing a fair share! lol

You do not want to place your mother in a Medicaid sponsored home if you can help it. I have been in some of them and they are like something out of Dante's Inferno.

Depending on the value of the house/estate and depending where you live you may be able to gift all of it to one of the nicer nursing homes. Let's say the estate is worth $500K between property and equities you would gift all of it away. If your mom lives one year they come out ahead. If your mom lives 10 years maybe they break even.

I know it seems harsh and distasteful to break it down to the numbers but you have to. If you go this route chances are that will leave nothing for you or Carla. But at least your mother will be in a nicer place than in some of those roach infested homes with inattentive/abusive staff.

Did your mother have a full blown CVA or only a TIA? Is she completely caregiver dependent or is she still semi autonomous? If your mom can be left alone for a few hours at a stretch that helps you significantly.

Also, depending on the level of care needed will dictate the amount required for outside caregivers. An RN (registered nurse) costs significantly more than a CNA (certified nursing assistant). Do you need someone to administer meds and monitor vital signs as well as cognitive function or do you just need someone there to walk her to the bathroom and make sure she doesn't fall and can't get up?

I am not in your situation...yet. My dad passed away in 2010. My mom is 74 and has had cancer as well as cardiac issues. My older sibling lives with her family in Colorado. My younger sibling is unmarried and lives in the same city as my mom and I but they do not get along.

I try to get to my mom's at least once a week to visit. I will be following this thread with interest.

[puckerman]

Sam Malone, where are you? Your post doesn't seem to mention that. Laws vary from state to state and from country to country.

I don't think this is a lost cause. People can and do recover from strokes. Brain science is a relatively new thing, and we are learning more and more about it.

I am especially curious to know how ayahuasca would impact someone after a stroke. Ayahuasca does regenerate brain-cell growth, so this could help your mother. Let me stress that this is all very experimental.

My mother is 83, and I have watched her slip since she got into the system. Unfortunately, the system is designed to serve itself. While my mother has been in the system, they have encouraged her to become more dependent on the system. She was walking with a walker. Then they decided to push her around in a wheelchair, and now she is too weak to walk. They also sabotaged attempts to move her from one location to another.

Exercises and yoga would also help your mom. Since you are buying the groceries, you can take total control of what mom eats. Get her brain food, get rid of the junk and unhealthy carbohydrates. What kind of sleep does your mom get?

What kind of history does Eunice have with men? Does she always get with worthless men like Eddie? Or is this just a one-time thing?

[TheGoldenJew]

I specialize in elder law, so if you have any questions from that perspective, I may be able to help. But reading your post, you left out some key information, at least from the point of view I look at things from.

For example:

1) Mom's fixed income
2) What care does she actually need (bathing, dressing, meal prep, etc)
3) Was her husband a veteran during a period of war
4) What state she lives in
5) More specific asset figures
6) Did Mom make any gifts during the last 60 months
7) You mentioned sister was POA -- is this financial, healthcare or both

Of course, you may not want to disclose some of that information. But if you went to an elder law attorney, that's the kind of information they'd need to give you accurate and actionable advice.

Your mother could be eligible for, or could become eligible for, public benefits that would greatly help the family situation. I would look into that. It could help you financially and emotionally.

Good luck

[Sam Malone]

Been a while since I've posted any updates on this. Thank you to the members that sent PMs giving advice and ideas.

Carla and I have an appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks with an Elder Law attorney (Carla's work schedule is rather strict, so the logistics for physically sitting down with the attorney are tough).

That said, Carla and I have had a couple of 'good' (?) blowouts over the last month. My job was pretty flexible, and I haven't been working over the last month and a half.

- At one point when Carla was leaving mom's house (and my kids and I were spending the night), I'd asked Carla roughly what time she'd be back the next day. She stated that she would have to spend time with Eddie, to which I calmly replied, "Not for anything, but it feels like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting here."
Carla turns around, and (in front of my kids) walks up to me, and (dripping with sarcasm) says..

Carla: "Well, Sam, some of us have to work. Some of us have jobs."
Sam: "Yeah... and ?"
Carla: "Well, you can be here a lot more than I can, can't you ?"
Sam: "Yeah.. and I'd also like to spend some time with my kids, at my house."
Carla: "I need to spend time with Eddie and then I can-"
Sam: "Why don't you bring your kid over here ?"
Carla: "EXCUSE ME ?"
Sam: "Yeah, your kid.. the one that hasn't shown up since Thanksgiving."
Carla: "Fuck you Sam. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU !!"

And storms out, slamming the door.

The next morning about 8:30, I get an out of the blue text from one of my mother's cousins ("Mildred"). Mildred is going to stop by today with her daughter and granddaughter. Around noon, if that's ok (which it is, I don't know when Carla is coming back today).
Ten minutes later, Carla texts me that she'll be there around 11:45.
11:45 comes around, and Carla texts that she's running a little late. Two minutes later, Mildred texts me that they're running behind a bit, they'll be closer to 12:15.

Guess who pulls in the driveway at the same time ? I'd be hard pressed to think that it was a coincidence.

They all come in the door, I give Carla a cold briefing about Eunice's activities and meds, give Mildred and her daughter kisses hello and goodbye (in the same breath), and my kids and I start heading out. Mildred asks, "Aren't you guys going to stay ?", and I reply, "Not today, we've got some stuff to do.. shoot me a call later." No call came.

The next day, my southern cousin calls me from South Carolina, asking me if I'd been on Facebook this morning. I hadn't, and she tells me that Carla posted on Facebook (in the private "Eunice Updates" group) that someone is needed to watch Eunice during the day..
(Carla knows I'm there during the week, during the day. Why would she post on FB asking for someone to watch Eunice during the day ?)
I chime in on Facebook something along the lines that "I don't see why we're looking for someone to watch mom, I'll be there tomorrow as usual" (hinting to anyone reading that I am and have been there during the day, regardless of how Carla wants to portray things).

I show up the next morning with one of my kids (who doesn't have school that day) in tow. Carla starts bringing me up to speed on mom's meds, and I'm listening but ignoring her. As she's putting her shoes on, she mumbles (loud enough for my kid to hear) that "Sam, you need to stop being a dick", and starts walking towards the front door.

(Normally I would have let it roll off and ignored. But you don't say that kind of shit to me in front of my kids). So I responded.

"And you need to stop being a cunt."

Carla stops in her tracks, makes a dramatic pivot around, and starts walking back to me..

Carla: "Excuse me ?"
Sam: "You heard me. Stop being a cunt."
Carla: "You know, Sam, if you don't want to be here, that's fine. I can find someone to stay here."
Sam: "Who ? Who, Carla ?"
Carla: "I can find someone."
Sam: "Oh really ? Get something straight, right now. I'm here because I want to be, not because I need to be."
Carla: "Yeah, then what's your problem ?"
Sam: "My problem is that you're not pulling your weight. When are you here other than the minimum amount of time you need to be ?"
Carla: "That's not fair, I have to work, and Eddie-"
Sam: "Yeah, Eddie.. where the fuck has he been through all this ?"

Some fuck you's back and forth, Carla stormed out, yelling that she was going to move Eunice to a home. I countered that I would see her in court, and she turned again and tried to poise herself with sarcasm.

Carla: "Well, Sam, I'm sorry you don't have a social life.."
Sam: "S'cuse me ?"
Carla: "Well, just because you don't have-"
Sam: "Riiiiiiiiiiight.."
Carla: "As far as Eddie, his mother went through the same thing, he's having a hard time with all of this-"
Sam: "Geez... I guess it's a good thing you're not the one that had a stroke... where would Eddie hide then ?"
Carla: "Fuck you, Sam, what about when Diane (my ex-wife) stopped by to see mom, and you told her that she couldn't come in ? How about that ?"
Sam: "Oh, you mean the day that (Eunice) had two therapy sessions, her hair was a mess, and she'd just had an accident ??"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "That day ???"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "Well ??????"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "Ya know, for as much as a piece of shit as I consider Diane, if we were still married, she'd have been here a hell of a lot more than Eddie."
Carla: "Ya know, you don't need to be an asshole, Sam."
Sam: "And you don't need to be a cunt, Carla."
Carla: "Fuck you, Sam."
Sam: "No, Carla... fuck you. I know what you were trying to do with that Facebook post."
Carla (sarcastic): "Well, Sam, after you left once Mildred and I got there, I didn't know if you were coming back."
Sam: "Do you honestly think... regardless of our (Carla's and my) bullshit... do you honestly think I wouldn't come over to take care of mom ?"
Carla (more sarcasm): "Gee, Sam, I don't know. I mean, you've got it soooooo tough with your kids and all-"
Sam: "Look, I really don't give a shit if you and I get along ever again. I'll be here to take care of mom, even when you (air quotes) 'have to spend time with Eddie'"
Carla: "Whatever.. I'll try to come up with a schedule that works for both of us."
Sam: "Good. Why don't you do that, and let me know what you can make work."
Carla: "I will. Then you can spend time with your kids."
Sam: "And you can spend time with Eddie."
Carla (with sarcasm): "If he's not sleeping when I get home."

I bit my lip. As much as I wanted to retort that maybe Eddie should come over to Eunice's if he wanted to spend more time with Carla, and as much as she's trying to paint herself out to be the 'good daughter', at the same time I figured that we'd (sort of) made some headway as far as a long term solution, so I let it slide and let Carla go to work.

When Carla came back later in the day to relieve the kids and I, I kept cold. Carla comes in, walks over to me at the counter, looks up at me, hugs me, and starts crying, telling me that she doesn't want to fight anymore.

(In just about any other situation, any non-related chick would have gotten a "go fuck yourself". But at the end of the day, this is my sister).

Since then, things have been... static (?).

That said, the canary in the coal mine was when Carla brought up Diane dropping by. When Diane had stopped by to pick up the kids that day (about a week and a half before Carla and I had that second blowout), Diane had come to the door and asked if she could see Eunice. I'd politely told Diane that Eunice has had a rough day, including an accident that I was in the midst of cleaning up, and the kids would be out shortly. It would seem that Diane called Carla to vent about it.

I've got more incentive than anyone to give Diane shit about it, but that is a luxury right now.

I'm more concerned that Carla didn't mention that conversation until she tried using it in our second argument to try and paint me in a negative light. Making no mention of it until then is somewhat troublesome, in that Carla didn't ask for clarification from me regarding it. Instead, she "saved it for a rainy day".

And to date, Eddie has only seen Eunice twice since her stroke, both on holidays. Carla has been keeping on with the "I have to spend time with Eddie" thing, and basically burning herself out between running home to him and filling in her time with Eunice.

Eunice and I have had conversations in relation to my moving into her home. She (Eunice) is all for it, and would be willing to cover the expenses related to any necessary upgrades to the home to make the basement livable (not that it's not now, but I'm referencing finishing the basement).

For the last month, I've been picking up the slack with Eunice, and taking Sam Time when I have the chance, even going so far as to deceive Carla regarding situations I have to be in attendance for (otherwise Carla will continue to take advantage of my time).

I have a few different scenarios ready to implement, after the sit down with the attorney. Once he lays out the options that Carla and I have regarding Eunice's home and finances (and I have a pretty good idea what those options will be), then I can present Eunice and Carla with my options.

The bubble until then is that any suggestions I make right now won't be received well. I know both Eunice and Carla well enough that I need the attorney to give the options before I "agree" to one (or all) of them (again, depending on how the attorney presents them).

I know my hard line, which is that I will need either POA, or an airtight "deal" on the house that can't be changed once it's signed (unless I decide to change it). That's assuming that Eunice (and Carla) are receptive to any of those solutions.

As it stands now, I believe just Carla and I are meeting with the attorney. It will be interesting to see if Eddie shows up to that meeting as well.

I'll keep you guys posted once we have the sit down with the attorney.

[orythedog]

There is plenty of good advice here already. I will add my two cents.
Engage the advice and assistance of a social worker. These professionals have been exposed to every scenario and can give you good advice. Additionally, they can put you in touch with resources to assist you. Concurrently, I would pay for a 1-hour consultation with a family law attorney who can objectively analyze your situation. I would also enlist the help of a financial advisor, and CPA.

Taking care of an aging parent is the most selfless thing you can do.

[TheGoldenJew]

Make sure you keep the family drama out of the appointment if it all possible. Either he won't help you or will charge a premium. At least that's what I do.