I'm weighing the pros and cons of a potential move in with my mother.
My mother ("Eunice") had a stroke a couple of months ago.
Eunice has a house and car. I'd rather not post exact numbers. For sake of discussion, House value is $50K, with $10K still owed on the home. Car's value is $10K, no lien, owned outright.
My older sister ("Carla"), and her boyfriend "Eddie", are both in their early 50's. I'm in my mid 40's.
Carla is Power Of Attorney (POA).
Sam (myself) has three kids, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.
As it stands now, Eunice will need 24/7 care for the rest of her life.
An assisted living facility or an in home caregiver is not financially viable.
As I review my post, I'm going to pause here for a moment to state that I'm trying to look at the entire situation with a realistic mentality. The following may read a little cold and impersonal, but please understand that this isn't the case.
For the last couple of months, I've been at Eunice's during the day. My schedule allows me the flexibility to work from home most of the time. Eunice comes with me to pick up the kids.
Carla and I have been taking turns spending nights at Eunice's. A few times, our cousin Lilith has come over to spend time with Eunice, and has stayed overnight on multiple occasions. Lilith is also considerably younger than Carla or myself, and while her help is certainly appreciated (and Lilith has been compensated for her time), Eunice is also not Lilith's responsibility.
Eddie (Carla's boyfriend) is having a 'hard time with all this'. Eddie has only seen Eunice once since the stroke, and that was only because of the Thanksgiving holiday.
It seems his (Eddie's) mother went through the same thing. And while I'm sympathetic to that, we're also talking about a grown man in his 50's, that has known Eunice for at least five years. To be fair, I might hold a different opinion on Eddie and his hesitation to see Eunice if his history with her or Carla wasn't as long.
To clarify, Eddie has always been well received by Eunice, and has never been shunned or disrespected by extended family at any of the holiday gatherings. And on at least two occasions, Eunice has footed the bill for group vacations for all of us, including (but not limited to) airfare, hotel, and multiple day outings while on vacation (ex:theme parks), which Eddie has been a part of.
Carla is continually stating that she "needs to spend time with Eddie". Yet has no problem leaving myself and my kids with Eunice (not that I/we have any problem spending time with Eunice, but Carla's attitude toward needing to spend time with Eddie seems to supersede anything else, including Eddie coming over to Eunice's to spend time with Carla.
A couple weeks ago, Carla stated that Eddie gave her (Carla) an ultimatum... him or Eunice. I suggested to a teary eyed Eunice and crying Carla that she tell Eddie to go pound salt and call his bluff (Eddie moved in with Carla a couple of years ago. Carla was self-sustaining her mortgage, the move benefited Eddie financially).
Since then, apparently Eddie has recanted that statement, he had a 'rough week' and took it out on Carla.
Carla is a slob, doesn't clean up after herself, leaves dishes all over the place at Eunice's. And while Eunice is a bit of a pack rat, Carla's house looks like it could potentially be on an episode of Hoarders.
Carla has suggested that Eunice move in with me for at least a couple of months. During that time, we would sell Eunice's house, and then take the profits from that sale, and purchase a house that Eunice, Carla, and Eddie can move into.
My house isn't the ideal setup for Eunice and her condition. While it would work on a temporary basis, it wouldn't work long term.
Just taking everything that's transpired so far into consideration, my gut tells me that something (in our/Carla's control) will happen that changes this master plan (Carla, Eddie, and Eunice living together). Which will have Eunice with me indefinitely (again, not that taking care of Eunice is a problem, but the 'plan' will change once Eunice is out of her own house and into mine).
And Carla and I both hold the opinion that putting Eunice in a home would not be a positive move for her, both physically and mentally.
So I'm considering moving into Eunice's house.
Eunice's house is a two-bedroom ranch. Roughly 1700 sq ft. In theory, putting up a couple of walls in the basement would give Bart, Lisa, and Maggie not only their own rooms, but some of the remaining space can be used for their 'own' living room. The taxes would go up (based on myself and the kids living there). One possible solution/starting point (which was suggested by Eunice pre-stroke, when her husband/my father passed earlier this year) would be my picking up the difference in the taxes, and possibly 'kicking in' for half the mortgage (a reasonably low number).
I have equity in my house. I'll make money if/when I sell it, even if I sell it below market value. Conversely, Carla would lose money by selling her house.
Noteworthy: When I only hinted to Carla the potential logistics of my moving in with Eunice, I had to quickly talk her back down, reiterate that this was only an idea for the moment, and it requires a lot of consideration on my part as well as flexibility on her part (should I choose to do something with my kids, ex: a day/overnight trip).
If I go this route, I'd have my name put on the deed of Eunice's house.
Now for the grim part... in the event Eunice passes.
(Just to keep the math easy, let's say the home is paid off prior to Eunice's passing):
- I get "life use" (?) of the home or until I sell it. Then Carla and I split the profits.
- If Carla wants the car, she can have it, and it's value (at the time ?) is added into the price the house (eventually) sells for, and the car's value comes off of Carla's end. I realize the numbers won't be exact, but just to give an idea of my thinking:
- Carla keeps the car at $10K. Five years later, I sell the house for $50K. $10K+$50K=$60K. Sam keeps $30K, Carla keeps $20K (because she kept the car valued at $10K at the time).
Things that I currently see:
Pros:
- I'd profit from my own home sale
- I'll save money with a lower 'mortgage payment'
- Any of mom's assets won't be burned up by assisted living/home care
- Mom is 'home' (which we feel is better for her well being in the long term)
Cons:
- Mom will be here 24/7
- My personal time is already limited (based on my custody schedule), this would limit it more
- I see my living with Eunice as being 'convenient' for Carla. Knowing Carla, I would expect her already minimal amount of time spent with Eunice to dwindle even further. Something will always come up in regards to Carla (if that makes sense).
- To a certain degree, I still have the 'freedom' I had since my divorce, save for the evenings I spend at Eunice's. Closing a chick at my current place is still on the table, albeit limited. Moving in with Eunice would pretty much make closing at "my place" non-existent.
In the same token... doctors, nurses, friends, family, have continued to tell Carla and I that we "need to make sure you guys are taking care of yourselves".
So there's quite a bit to consider, both for myself and my kids. It's a significant decision to make.
So I'm asking for the forum's help.
Any experiences, input, advice, suggestions, anything I might be missing, any potential angle I may not be seeing, and anything I haven't considered would be greatly appreciated.
My mother ("Eunice") had a stroke a couple of months ago.
Eunice has a house and car. I'd rather not post exact numbers. For sake of discussion, House value is $50K, with $10K still owed on the home. Car's value is $10K, no lien, owned outright.
My older sister ("Carla"), and her boyfriend "Eddie", are both in their early 50's. I'm in my mid 40's.
Carla is Power Of Attorney (POA).
Sam (myself) has three kids, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.
As it stands now, Eunice will need 24/7 care for the rest of her life.
An assisted living facility or an in home caregiver is not financially viable.
As I review my post, I'm going to pause here for a moment to state that I'm trying to look at the entire situation with a realistic mentality. The following may read a little cold and impersonal, but please understand that this isn't the case.
For the last couple of months, I've been at Eunice's during the day. My schedule allows me the flexibility to work from home most of the time. Eunice comes with me to pick up the kids.
Carla and I have been taking turns spending nights at Eunice's. A few times, our cousin Lilith has come over to spend time with Eunice, and has stayed overnight on multiple occasions. Lilith is also considerably younger than Carla or myself, and while her help is certainly appreciated (and Lilith has been compensated for her time), Eunice is also not Lilith's responsibility.
Eddie (Carla's boyfriend) is having a 'hard time with all this'. Eddie has only seen Eunice once since the stroke, and that was only because of the Thanksgiving holiday.
It seems his (Eddie's) mother went through the same thing. And while I'm sympathetic to that, we're also talking about a grown man in his 50's, that has known Eunice for at least five years. To be fair, I might hold a different opinion on Eddie and his hesitation to see Eunice if his history with her or Carla wasn't as long.
To clarify, Eddie has always been well received by Eunice, and has never been shunned or disrespected by extended family at any of the holiday gatherings. And on at least two occasions, Eunice has footed the bill for group vacations for all of us, including (but not limited to) airfare, hotel, and multiple day outings while on vacation (ex:theme parks), which Eddie has been a part of.
Carla is continually stating that she "needs to spend time with Eddie". Yet has no problem leaving myself and my kids with Eunice (not that I/we have any problem spending time with Eunice, but Carla's attitude toward needing to spend time with Eddie seems to supersede anything else, including Eddie coming over to Eunice's to spend time with Carla.
A couple weeks ago, Carla stated that Eddie gave her (Carla) an ultimatum... him or Eunice. I suggested to a teary eyed Eunice and crying Carla that she tell Eddie to go pound salt and call his bluff (Eddie moved in with Carla a couple of years ago. Carla was self-sustaining her mortgage, the move benefited Eddie financially).
Since then, apparently Eddie has recanted that statement, he had a 'rough week' and took it out on Carla.
Carla is a slob, doesn't clean up after herself, leaves dishes all over the place at Eunice's. And while Eunice is a bit of a pack rat, Carla's house looks like it could potentially be on an episode of Hoarders.
Carla has suggested that Eunice move in with me for at least a couple of months. During that time, we would sell Eunice's house, and then take the profits from that sale, and purchase a house that Eunice, Carla, and Eddie can move into.
My house isn't the ideal setup for Eunice and her condition. While it would work on a temporary basis, it wouldn't work long term.
Just taking everything that's transpired so far into consideration, my gut tells me that something (in our/Carla's control) will happen that changes this master plan (Carla, Eddie, and Eunice living together). Which will have Eunice with me indefinitely (again, not that taking care of Eunice is a problem, but the 'plan' will change once Eunice is out of her own house and into mine).
And Carla and I both hold the opinion that putting Eunice in a home would not be a positive move for her, both physically and mentally.
So I'm considering moving into Eunice's house.
Eunice's house is a two-bedroom ranch. Roughly 1700 sq ft. In theory, putting up a couple of walls in the basement would give Bart, Lisa, and Maggie not only their own rooms, but some of the remaining space can be used for their 'own' living room. The taxes would go up (based on myself and the kids living there). One possible solution/starting point (which was suggested by Eunice pre-stroke, when her husband/my father passed earlier this year) would be my picking up the difference in the taxes, and possibly 'kicking in' for half the mortgage (a reasonably low number).
I have equity in my house. I'll make money if/when I sell it, even if I sell it below market value. Conversely, Carla would lose money by selling her house.
Noteworthy: When I only hinted to Carla the potential logistics of my moving in with Eunice, I had to quickly talk her back down, reiterate that this was only an idea for the moment, and it requires a lot of consideration on my part as well as flexibility on her part (should I choose to do something with my kids, ex: a day/overnight trip).
If I go this route, I'd have my name put on the deed of Eunice's house.
Now for the grim part... in the event Eunice passes.
(Just to keep the math easy, let's say the home is paid off prior to Eunice's passing):
- I get "life use" (?) of the home or until I sell it. Then Carla and I split the profits.
- If Carla wants the car, she can have it, and it's value (at the time ?) is added into the price the house (eventually) sells for, and the car's value comes off of Carla's end. I realize the numbers won't be exact, but just to give an idea of my thinking:
- Carla keeps the car at $10K. Five years later, I sell the house for $50K. $10K+$50K=$60K. Sam keeps $30K, Carla keeps $20K (because she kept the car valued at $10K at the time).
Things that I currently see:
Pros:
- I'd profit from my own home sale
- I'll save money with a lower 'mortgage payment'
- Any of mom's assets won't be burned up by assisted living/home care
- Mom is 'home' (which we feel is better for her well being in the long term)
Cons:
- Mom will be here 24/7
- My personal time is already limited (based on my custody schedule), this would limit it more
- I see my living with Eunice as being 'convenient' for Carla. Knowing Carla, I would expect her already minimal amount of time spent with Eunice to dwindle even further. Something will always come up in regards to Carla (if that makes sense).
- To a certain degree, I still have the 'freedom' I had since my divorce, save for the evenings I spend at Eunice's. Closing a chick at my current place is still on the table, albeit limited. Moving in with Eunice would pretty much make closing at "my place" non-existent.
In the same token... doctors, nurses, friends, family, have continued to tell Carla and I that we "need to make sure you guys are taking care of yourselves".
So there's quite a bit to consider, both for myself and my kids. It's a significant decision to make.
So I'm asking for the forum's help.
Any experiences, input, advice, suggestions, anything I might be missing, any potential angle I may not be seeing, and anything I haven't considered would be greatly appreciated.