[Sam Malone]

(10-19-2017 04:18 AM)bgbusiness Wrote:  

(10-18-2017 05:54 PM)Sam Malone Wrote:  

There were a shit ton of signs that pointed me to my ex's infidelity. Tons.

Could you give us some of the signs that you have missed? if you have any chance...
Appreciate the story again, thanks a lot...

I don't want to derail OP's thread too much, so I'll try to keep this short.

Any one (or two) things by themselves might not have ticked the meter. Add a lot of those thing together, and it becomes plain as day what was going on.

Look at it like this... when you were reading my long diatribe above, at what point did you say to yourself, "Yep, she's fucking around on him." ? The 'out drinking' part ? The shielding of the phone ? The relative seeing the car ?

Truth be told, even from each of those points on, it wasn't (I think) so much that I ignored the signs, more that I didn't want to see the signs and admit anything could be going on.

So maybe I need to amend "missing the signs" to "didn't want to face the (eventual) reality".

[Vill@in]

Great stories from Sam Malone and Jetset. Thanks for sharing, fellas.

OP (and any lurkers out there)- take this advice to heart. You don't know us from Adam, you're right. We're just some anonymous posters on a message board handing out advice. But the thing is, we want you to succeed. Maybe it's an innate brotherly bond we all share, I don't know. I do know that a lot of us have had this shit happen to us before and we're tired of seeing other men go through this with women. The easy part is reading all of the information given and then applying it to your real life interaction with your girlfriend/wife. You may be reading it and be saying "Yeah, yeah! That's totally what's happening! She's cheating!! I'm going to do this." And then you sign off from your computer/phone, and see her a few hours later with her titties all in your face and the smell of her perfume all over you. Those well thought out plans are now a distant memory and you're back in her web of deceit like the weak little fly that you are. But we're here to tell you that you don't have to be that weak little fly.

I hope we hear back from you OP, but I suspect we won't. Maybe we'll get some bullshit update that all is good now, while she just continues to fuck around on you and redoubles her efforts to cover her tracks. But the signs are all right there, in front of your face. Whether you choose to acknowledge them today or 5 years from now is up to you.

[MrTickle]

We all want to ignore the signs the first time round because she's "special". I did the same. Loads of warning signs such as hiding texts on phones, supposed to have a joint ipad for watching media on that because she has used for Facebook was suddenly password locked. I made excuse after excuse. Then one too many things happened and I had to know for sure what was going on. Took the afternoon off work. Logged into her icloud grabbed a recent phone back and loaded some software onto a machine to inspect the backup allowing me to see text history. This had loads in but no smoking gun. Then booted up an old desktop machine we use occasionally and Facebook was still logged in on her profile. Bingo smoking gun with conversations about meeting up, picture swapping etc. Saved it all and everything that followed was on my terms, she gave up any kind of defense.

I learnt from the experience. The experience is why I now visit this forum. I've grown from it and improved / still improving. It turns out it was actually the best thing to ever of happened to me.

[birthday cat]

The relationship is over. That is a foregone conclusion. If the OP can get his emotions under control then he can end things on his terms.

If he does nothing the girl will make his life miserable, destroy his confidence and self-esteem, possibly humiliate him in front of his friends or family, and eventually she will end it. She might wait months or even years but it's already over and nothing good will come in the time that they both delay the inevitable.

This it what will happen if he plans to end it but does it the wrong way... He will let her talk. She will turn on the waterworks and he will be manipulated by her crying and pleading. They will reconcile and have the best sex they have had in years. Within a week she will be planning how to end the relationship on her terms which will include everything I wrote above about making his life miserable and destroying his confidence.

This might not sound logical. Why would she cry and plead to stay together if she doesn't want him anymore? There are a few reasons. First and foremost women are not logical so don't expect them to act that way. Second, women can't handle rejection so her initial reaction will be to fight to keep him even if she has been repulsed by him for months. Third, she probably has a reason that we are unaware of for stringing along this relationship. Obviously she isn't attracted to him and has lost respect for him but she has some reason for still being in the relationship. I don't know what that reason is but it could be as simple as she hasn't found his replacement yet or she might be the type of girl who can't initiate a breakup so she will push him to do it.

The OP might be reading this and he his probably thinking... "She isn't that bad. She cared about me. She is a decent person. She would never do all of that. Birthday Cat is too harsh."

Here is what the OP and the less experienced guys don't understand. This shit isn't going down in her conscious mind. It's subconscious. It's not something she has control over.

Women have a tendency to attack and punish men when they perceive weakness, especially when it is a man that she used to be attracted to and used to have respect for. The girl might not be a bad person but humans are flawed and this is something that women can't always control.

There are a 100 reasons in this thread to end the relationship but the one that really sticks out is how she is talking to him about her ex-boyfriend and the two guys Nick and Lane who she most likely banged. This is a shit test on steroids. She is passed the point of no return and she is doing this just to see how weak he is and how much shit he is willing to take. I know it seems illogical. I know he won't want to believe this. Unfortunately it is just one of the flaws that women have and it couldn't be more obvious to guys who have seen this type of situation before. She might feel bad about it after she does it but it isn't something she can control and she will keep doing it. In worse scenarios the girl will do this intentionally and brag to her friends about how much shit her man will take from her. She will keep punishing him until it is over, even if she never understands why she is doing it.

This woman makes the OP think irrationally. The correct course of action is to end the relationship swiftly with as little verbal communication as possible. Don't let the woman have the opportunity to manipulate you.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to relax and think clearly, i.e. pull your head out of your ass. Take a day off work, sleep late, meditate, go to the gym, go to your favorite restaurant for lunch, etc. I've been in similar situations before and I promise you there is nothing more important than getting a lot of sleep and reducing your stress as much as possible because those things will make the difference in your ability to think rationally instead of being an emotional wreck.

Get your head together, create a plan, and ghost on the girl. Pack all her stuff in a box and leave it on her doorstep with a note. Delete her from your phone and block her on all social media. Plan something with friends or family so you are preoccupied when the shit goes down and she might try to manipulate you with her tears.

TLDR - ghost and no contact.

[PapayaTapper]

@ OP

You've gotten solid, objective advice from men who have more experience with women than you, Some have even gone through the exact same thing.

That said, we know that whatever the facts are heeding the advice to eject from this situation at this time is for you difficult if not impossible. Its human nature.

In that light I would say:

1. At least take measures to know for sure whats going on. Put spy software on her phone, desktop computer, to get her passwords. You need to know for sure one way or the other else you will live in fear...and thats no way to live. Knowing definitively will inform what you do from there

2. Independent of the above focus on improving every other aspect of your life. Physically, and financially especially. The innate benefits will help you tremendously no matter what, but just imagine this: if you knew you could easily replace and even upgrade on the woman in your life then she would too, Guaranteed. If it turns out shes not cheating then the only way to get her desire to be with you back up is to have her fear (dread*)losing you. That is an immutable fact

Nevertheless, welcome to RVF. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you the way you want it to

Suggested reading Heartiste on "Dread"

[RatInTheWoods]

I agree with the other posters, she is probably cheating.

But I can see your side that you need to get hard evidence. I think if you do, the lesson will stay with you for your next 40 years interactions with women, so I support this endeavor.

Set up a "sting operation" where you lead her into the chance to play up, she will think you are away or not watching her, but you are. Or get access to her phone/email etc.

I understand you need to get solid proof, so go for it my friend.

This will sting, but it will be a lesson that will server you for the rest of your life.

[Mountain Man]

OP: trying for hard evidence at this point is only going to MAKE IT WORSE, regardless of what you find. If you proceed just remember that so that you don't ever make the same mistake again. I've been there man, and after a lot longer than 2 years. I didn't trust my ex-wife for over 10 years and it took a long time to undo the pain and anxiety that came along with that.

But alas ... I feel I am preaching to the choir. Hopefully we get an update.

[Vaun]

(10-19-2017 07:49 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

I agree with the other posters, she is probably cheating.

But I can see your side that you need to get hard evidence. I think if you do, the lesson will stay with you for your next 40 years interactions with women, so I support this endeavor.

Set up a "sting operation" where you lead her into the chance to play up, she will think you are away or not watching her, but you are. Or get access to her phone/email etc.

I understand you need to get solid proof, so go for it my friend.

This will sting, but it will be a lesson that will server you for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice.

Advice that leads to 1) potential legal problems, getting your reputation smeared and getting sued, 2) getting into fist fights, 3) getting your car keyed, on and on. "Oh my gawd he was sooo psycho that he spied on me".... she will love to tell that to everyone, maybe even the cops.

And lets not forget; don't you have other shit going on in your life that is equally or more important, than to play Inspector Gadget on some tramp that obviously wants you gone? If the answer is no, then go find something.

This whole excuse of "having to get hard evidence" is you just being a pussy, along with the other posters who recommend such horrible advice.

The biggest problem here is that you dont trust your gut. You dont trust yourself. Your self esteem is so terribly damaged and low that you keep making excuses for this sub par girl.

Be a man, walk tall, and walk out the door. No discussions, no searching, no nothing. The only time to use a private investigator, or going to these sleuthing lengths is concerned, is when you are married and you have a lot($$$$) at stake. This is a dumb girlfriend. Dump her ass. You know whats right. Lets not veer off into coo coo land, because you are too afraid of trusting yourself.

[fitness2569]

Yea bro the whole spying on her bullshit is another form of him investing into her. An investment that yields a NROI [ negative , return of investment ]. Either way you lose by doing that. Either you find out she is actually cheating or you waste alot of time/money. This is my input on the whole situation, OP doesn't have solid friends in his life and he doesn't Workout. The testesterone from the gym and a set of friends who push you to say "fuck that bitch" has saved me soo much headspace when dealing with women. Honestly, those two things have helped me more than keeping two in the kitty. OP get out there and start approaching women and "fuck that bitch "

[Jetset]

(10-20-2017 06:46 AM)Vaun Wrote:  

(10-19-2017 07:49 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Set up a "sting operation" where you lead her into the chance to play up, she will think you are away or not watching her, but you are. Or get access to her phone/email etc.

I understand you need to get solid proof, so go for it my friend.

This will sting, but it will be a lesson that will server you for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice.

Advice that leads to 1) potential legal problems, getting your reputation smeared and getting sued, 2) getting into fist fights, 3) getting your car keyed, on and on. "Oh my gawd he was sooo psycho that he spied on me".... she will love to tell that to everyone, maybe even the cops.

And lets not forget; don't you have other shit going on in your life that is equally or more important, than to play Inspector Gadget on some tramp that obviously wants you gone? If the answer is no, then go find something....Be a man, walk tall, and walk out the door. No discussions, no searching, no nothing. The only time to use a private investigator, or going to these sleuthing lengths is concerned, is when you are married and you have a lot($$$$) at stake. This is a dumb girlfriend. Dump her ass. You know whats right. Lets not veer off into coo coo land, because you are too afraid of trusting yourself.

The above is correct.

I'm a thorough person by nature. I went to small claims court once and the defendants started hyperventilating and yelling when they went through my evidence packet.

So I get it. Here's the thing, though. Whenever you're about to spend a bunch of time on something, you've got to ask "Why the fuck would I do this?"

For me, it was treble damages and maximum LOLs. There was something really good and enjoyable for me that was likely to happen if I went all-in, with little or no downside.

OP has witnessed bad behavior that completely justifies terminating the relationship whether she's cheating or not. OP has hard evidence that she lies about people to protect her reputation. It's as good as science that if he catches her, she will be willing to lie about OP to protect herself and pit Nick, Lane, and her ex against him. Catching women sleeping around is often how false rape and abuse accusations start. The downside here is real.

What's the upside? Being extremely fair-minded with a crying, attention-seeking child trapped in an adult's body? This doesn't help OP get a better outcome, it helps his girlfriend get a better outcome. She's had multiple opportunities to stop with the lies and make her own case if she wants to.

Women trade in the attention and approval of men that they value. She's addicted to her ex's attention and approval and the drama that surrounds him. She was addicted when she left him. She's addicted now. Addicts lie to protect their addiction. Addicts do unthinkable shit to get their fix. OP should unshackle himself and deep-dick new, less dramatic bitches without wasting more time or energy.

[Tanapiko]

Damn man , what you just said , I wish someone had told me that when I was in similar situation , your post is powerful bro

[Rhyme or Reason]

It's frustrating to know that this is all academic at this point and the OP won't heed any of this useful advice, add to that the next fucktard newbie who is in a similar situation will merely make a new thread, as this one will sink to the bottom eventually and probably won't be searched for by the very person who will need it most.

-----------------------

Oh, and as far as spying goes...don't do it. If you ever find yourself actually spying / planning out how to spy on a chick that you've already lost, just repeat the following to yourself out loud:

"This is how I'm choosing to spend my time."

It should snap you out of it right quick.

[Veul]

dump her ,Like every single person advised in more detail than me.
In the end you will not do it. You will take the easy route that is keeping her next to you because you don't want to do the hard work of finding someone else ( Jariel©) When she is finished with you and found someone more valuable, that can give her more resources than you (time,money,commitment,status) she will just plain dump you.
Fix your life by yourself , what's the reason for those sleeping patterns ? What you do of life ?

[Kanasukia]

I have decided to dump her. But I’m going to give myself 3 more days to find an absolute. Whether I find it or not I’m going to dump her because y’all are right, whether or not she’s cheated, she has lied to my face and the trust just isn’t there anymore. Call me stupid, dumb, or whatever but my curiosity is just too high and I have to at least try one more time to find out for sure. I messaged the guy that said he could get screenshots of her and her ex and I’m going to try to talk to him and see what he says. If I find any “hard evidence” at least I’ll know my suspicion and gut feeling was right and not just paranoia and I’ll learn to trust it again.

Allow me to clarify something I’m seeing a lot of. The guy that claimed he had screenshots did NOT say she was fucking Nick and Lane. I’m not sure exactly what he said but I did some digging and found out they are friends of her ex. I’m thinking that he meant he could either get the screenshots from them, or they saw the pictures/texts and her ex was boasting about it to them, since Nick and Lane are good friends of her ex.

As for my sleeping pattern, it started when I was 12 and my parents got a divorce. I know it’s stupid but I spent the next 4 years playing videos games for 8-10 hours and getting fat as fuck. I would sleep till like 3-4pm and wake up and play video games on my computer till like 6 am. Skipped school a lot too. I guess he habit just stuck, even when I got out of that phase.

Again I’d like to thank everyone for your advice. Shit really hurts knowing I’m going to break up with her but I don’t see another option. I’ll keep y’all updated.

[PapayaTapper]

(10-20-2017 11:52 AM)Kanasukia Wrote:  

I have decided to dump her. But I’m going to give myself 3 more days to find an absolute. Whether I find it or not I’m going to dump her because y’all are right, whether or not she’s cheated, she has lied to my face and the trust just isn’t there anymore. Call me stupid, dumb, or whatever but my curiosity is just too high and I have to at least try one more time to find out for sure. I messaged the guy that said he could get screenshots of her and her ex and I’m going to try to talk to him and see what he says. If I find any “hard evidence” at least I’ll know my suspicion and gut feeling was right and not just paranoia and I’ll learn to trust it again.

Allow me to clarify something I’m seeing a lot of. The guy that claimed he had screenshots did NOT say she was fucking Nick and Lane. I’m not sure exactly what he said but I did some digging and found out they are friends of her ex. I’m thinking that he meant he could either get the screenshots from them, or they saw the pictures/texts and her ex was boasting about it to them, since Nick and Lane are good friends of her ex.

As for my sleeping pattern, it started when I was 12 and my parents got a divorce. I know it’s stupid but I spent the next 4 years playing videos games for 8-10 hours and getting fat as fuck. I would sleep till like 3-4pm and wake up and play video games on my computer till like 6 am. Skipped school a lot too. I guess he habit just stuck, even when I got out of that phase.

Again I’d like to thank everyone for your advice. Shit really hurts knowing I’m going to break up with her but I don’t see another option. I’ll keep y’all updated.

Im impressed. The internal fortitude and wisdom youre displaying is rare

Yes keep us posted.

[Vill@in]

(10-20-2017 11:52 AM)Kanasukia Wrote:  

I have decided to dump her.

Good man.

No doubt it's going to be hard at first, but trust me when I say you will be a stronger man for it. And don't look at this as the end of something, rather look at it as a new beginning.

There are millions of women on this planet. YOU are the prize. YOU deserve to be treated with respect.

Keep strong!

[Adonis]

Good to see you haven't ran off and are making the necessary choices. It seems hard now, but with time it will become easier to both identify the red flags and quickly cut loose of a bad investment.

She will probably try any number of tricks to if not at least get back with you, to stay in your life and drain energy from you. After you break up with her, block her number/email/social media immediately.

RVF No Contact Thread

You might be tempted to lay low for a while and "reset", but don't fall into that trap. Get back out there asap and GBTOW.

RVF No Fap Thread

RVF member jariel's Real Talk Sessions are pure gold, no matter what stage of the game you're in.

Threads by jariel

[Matsufubu]

(10-20-2017 11:52 AM)Kanasukia Wrote:  

I have decided to dump her. But I’m going to give myself 3 more days to find an absolute. Whether I find it or not I’m going to dump her because y’all are right, whether or not she’s cheated, she has lied to my face and the trust just isn’t there anymore. Call me stupid, dumb, or whatever but my curiosity is just too high and I have to at least try one more time to find out for sure. I messaged the guy that said he could get screenshots of her and her ex and I’m going to try to talk to him and see what he says. If I find any “hard evidence” at least I’ll know my suspicion and gut feeling was right and not just paranoia and I’ll learn to trust it again.

Allow me to clarify something I’m seeing a lot of. The guy that claimed he had screenshots did NOT say she was fucking Nick and Lane. I’m not sure exactly what he said but I did some digging and found out they are friends of her ex. I’m thinking that he meant he could either get the screenshots from them, or they saw the pictures/texts and her ex was boasting about it to them, since Nick and Lane are good friends of her ex.

As for my sleeping pattern, it started when I was 12 and my parents got a divorce. I know it’s stupid but I spent the next 4 years playing videos games for 8-10 hours and getting fat as fuck. I would sleep till like 3-4pm and wake up and play video games on my computer till like 6 am. Skipped school a lot too. I guess he habit just stuck, even when I got out of that phase.

Again I’d like to thank everyone for your advice. Shit really hurts knowing I’m going to break up with her but I don’t see another option. I’ll keep y’all updated.

Okay, good, but make sure you follow through with it. She'll try every trick in the book to play you, including the ones that have worked for the past 2.5 years. Just remember that she's doing it so that she can be the one to dump you later on, so don't be a sucker.

As long as you have trust in yourself, all else will follow. After this, hit the gym and approach some girls to get your confidence up. This isn't the end of something, it's the beginning of a new you*.



*This sentence sponsored by Dr. Phil*

[RUGby1345]

I was going to post a few days back to drop this chick and don't look back, but I see hat you are well on your way. She may have been inspiration for the changes you made in your life, but this things come from inside. In future have ZERO TOLERANCE for lying. Best of luck, man

[Jetset]

This is the first time I've seen a Newbie Thread where the newbie slept on it and said "yeah, you guys make a good point". Good for you being honest with yourself about the situation. I hate lecturing in these threads but I always feel like by the time somebody gets to the point where they're creating an account and asking what to do, they already know it's really bad on some level, it's probably worse than they're admitted, and they need to hear it straight.

We're just giving you shit about Nick and Lane, but for what it's worth, years ago, I was banging out some dude's wife who had the "attention addiction" real bad. This was one of those situations where she filled in the blanks because she saw me on a friend's social media and convinced herself I was perfect because she had almost no real information to work with, but then had no outlet for it. She'd send me sexts while she was sitting with her husband and I wouldn't give her much in return. By the time we met up while she was in town to visit her friend, she'd lost control of it and spent weeks on my dick, doing anything she was told and a bunch of other shit just trying to impress me. The whole visit had just been a pretext to cheat, but she needed to be able to tell herself it was an "accident" or a "mistake".

It turned into a joke to see how far she'd go before she drew a line, and she just never did. One day I jokingly suggested passing her off to one of my friends, and she wasn't just tolerating it, she was down. Any friends, all of them. At once. Like, "please, let me prove that I only exist to serve you". This broad has two kids and pushes the communion cart at church. Like your girlfriend, her husband never really knew what was going on, but apparently knew of me and suspected, because some time after she went home, he made it clear, as the head of his household, that she was not to text me anymore. The first thing she did was text me to tell me.

Alternately, look up Daniela Greene, the FBI agent who went haywire after investigating a rapper working for the Islamic State, abandoned her husband and flew to Syria to warn him about the investigation and marry him. I am not kidding when I say that the unchecked addiction to a man's attention and approval will lead even the "nicest" woman to do some truly deranged and scheming bullshit to settle her tingling vagina.

[ProGambler]

Zero tolerance ftw, see it through.

[Chiosboy90]

This whole Thread is pure gold. Dumping the first girl you really love is fucking hard and you have big balls doing it now! Respect! Most guys wouldn't do it including myself 2 years ago when I should have.

[RatInTheWoods]

(10-20-2017 06:46 AM)Vaun Wrote:  

(10-19-2017 07:49 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

I agree with the other posters, she is probably cheating.

But I can see your side that you need to get hard evidence. I think if you do, the lesson will stay with you for your next 40 years interactions with women, so I support this endeavor.

Set up a "sting operation" where you lead her into the chance to play up, she will think you are away or not watching her, but you are. Or get access to her phone/email etc.

I understand you need to get solid proof, so go for it my friend.

This will sting, but it will be a lesson that will server you for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice.

Advice that leads to 1) potential legal problems, getting your reputation smeared and getting sued, 2) getting into fist fights, 3) getting your car keyed, on and on. "Oh my gawd he was sooo psycho that he spied on me".... she will love to tell that to everyone, maybe even the cops.

And lets not forget; don't you have other shit going on in your life that is equally or more important, than to play Inspector Gadget on some tramp that obviously wants you gone? If the answer is no, then go find something.

This whole excuse of "having to get hard evidence" is you just being a pussy, along with the other posters who recommend such horrible advice.

The biggest problem here is that you dont trust your gut. You dont trust yourself. Your self esteem is so terribly damaged and low that you keep making excuses for this sub par girl.

Be a man, walk tall, and walk out the door. No discussions, no searching, no nothing. The only time to use a private investigator, or going to these sleuthing lengths is concerned, is when you are married and you have a lot($$$$) at stake. This is a dumb girlfriend. Dump her ass. You know whats right. Lets not veer off into coo coo land, because you are too afraid of trusting yourself.

Nah, its great advice for the OP - because he doesn't believe us and he doesn't know how women work. He needs to do this shit once, and get it in early, and carry the lesson for life. Its a worthwhile investment.

He wasn't taking our advice, so I am giving him the tough love, feeding his desire to self destruct.

We older, wiser dudes have all made that mistake, and take the hard evidence road a few times ourselves. You can not just short cut to the wisdom, you have to do the dumb things, feel the pain and learn the lesson the hard way.

Getting evidence doesn't involve the sort of risks or costs you are talking about, I don't mean hiring a detective of doing illegal stupid shit. Its as easy as reading her phone, or catching ger out on lies. It's a small risk free investment in life wisdom, that is a vital step in a man's progression.

We are right that shes not worth the time, and he should walk away, and getting proof is not worth the investment - BUT you are not allowing for the level of maturity and wisdom of the OP.

He has to learn to crawl before he can walk and run, so let him make the dumb mistakes to cure him of his rose colored glasses here and now.

Thats my opinion anyway.

[Kdog]

She sounds like a liar and a slight cunt. Save yourself the trouble and cut her loose.

[Sonoma]

I had the same shit as you and I'm pretty sure she cheated (more evidence came up after the breakuo) but I don't really know (nothing surefire, and to be honest, even less evidence than what you have).

The reality is I should've dumped her way sooner anyway. There's no point to ever being in a relationship where there's any doubt at all, especially that far in. Jealousy and doubt is normal for a few months, but if you're having that spring up ages in, it's time to dip.

As well, you're young and in your prime, so a relationship is just a set back anyway.