Good evening fellow forists,
in the past months and especially weeks my entire physical and mental system rings all alarm bells at the same time, telling me something is terribly wrong in my life. While I do more or less understand and reflect the roots and causes for all my issues (fucked up childhood with single mum in ridiculous poverty for West-German standards, over-controlling matron grandmother, raised to be the "nice guy" who shuts up even when walked all over by others, complete absence of male role models except for my grandfather who died early, in addition slight asperger's or at least an extremely introvert/shy genetic disposition, IQ 125 when I had myself psychologically tested three years ago), this understanding doesn't help me shit in dealing with my everyday life issues that grow more and more.
The general outline of my current life, now at 32 is:
- I live with my mum, partly to support her because she is ill and financially broke, partly to save money on the ridiculous rent costs in my city.
Positive aspect: saves me a ton of rent and utility costs to be able to travel a lot. Renting my own place, while continuing to financially support my mum at the same time, would mean that my financial ability to travel would be cut back to maybe one week of travel per year. Also I'm able to save a little on the side. I have, right now, one year's net salary with benefits in savings.
- I'm working (for 10 full years already) a 9-to-5 paper-pushing office monkey job that is secure and pays okay, but I'm only at the bottom of what you would consider a middle class salary here in my part of Germany. Plus I hate my job, it's extremely stressful because every employee gets a 120% workload at least, management is poor, it's at the same time getting me nowhere intellectually, the colleagues are mostly reskilled housewives in their forties, playing their little office power games, talking about their dogs, child's school grades and sicknesses and their husbands behavior all day, or bitter males shortly before retiring, who don't see any purpose in life except slaving away in their job. It's just a very average environment and intellectually understimulating, nobody in my office likes to travel or widen their horizon, it's a completely toxic and understimulating environment.
Positive aspect: I don't really have to worry about financial security right now. My contract is open-ended and my company in a good financial state.
- current health issues:
I'm always extremely stressed and tired (need to commute 2 hours every day on overcrowded public transport that frequently breaks down, a car wouldn't save time due to traffic but increase my monthly costs, been there before, sold my car for good and I'm good with it), sleeping issues, my body feels like falling apart all over, a lot of headaches, pain in my back, stomach problems, heart race, a little overweight, I eat junk food all the time (except for lunch in my company's canteen) because I'm too lazy or tired to cook.
Positive aspect: I had my blood levels tested and electrocardiogram done at a doctor's last summer, everything checked out okay except a slightly high level of fat in the liver, I've also started taking vitamin D3 pills three weeks ago. In the end I think physically, there's nothing wrong with me that couldn't be resolved by cutting down on stress, working out etc. My problems seem to root exclusively in constant stress, discontent and my mental state.
- traveling:
The only part about my life that is really good. In the past decade I've traveled more than 200 cities in 29 countries on 3 continents and I'm fluent in or have some basic understanding of at least 7 languages. I'm planning on visiting around 50 more cities in 10 new countries in the next years and as long as I'm living with my mum, I'll be able to continue traveling at a rate of around 7 international flight trips each year. This rate might sound boastful, but it's the only thing that I really splurge on in my life. I'm abstaining from almost anything else in turn for it (no own apartment, no car, not much eating out)
- social life and sex life:
So here's where it gets really bad. Firstly, I didn't get laid in 12 fucking months. It's the longest drought period I've ever experienced since I started being sexually active. It's really driving me nuts at this point. P4P is not an option, not even to blow off steam (I don't judge and it's legal and easily available in my city. It's just not what I want right now, it wouldn't make me happy). My last (and dysfunctional/unhappy) LTR ended four years ago. Had some affairs, friends with benefits and one night stands since then, mainly with Czech and Ukrainian girls on their hometurf while I was traveling, but one Chinese, one German and one Hungarian girl here in Germany as well. But in the past 12 months I'm not able to pull anything anymore here in Germany. The larger my discontent with my general life, the more I seem to send out a vibe that's immediately drying up any pussy in a 2-mile radius around me. So I understand why it's getting worse in the past year. I don't even get girls from online game to meet up with me anymore, they're all pulling out of conversations as soon as I bring up the topic, or bringing up lies why they can't meet (busy etc.). In addition, my city Munich is not exactly a guy-friendly place if you're not top in game, looks, style and financial status. Competition is skyrocketing here, loads of guys who have everything and still have difficulties to get laid. Munich might be called the Toronto or DC of Germany in terms of finding girls for fucking.
A psychiatrist that I saw clearly pointed out to me that I lack an emotional life and that this is what's fucking me up so much. I only function like a robot every day, trying to cope with my 120% workload and power games in the office, enduring my daily 2-hour commute, standing on overcrowded trains and buses and in the evening organizing stuff for my mum and grandma or falling asleep at 9pm because I'm tired. In the office while some people are nice towards me, everybody is in a constantly bad mood and vibe because of year-long work overload and stress, and there are no young people my age at all, except for two married girls who are pregnant now and who I don't share any interests with.
My friends (all of whom I've known for 20 years or more and who are real friends, or at least have been during school and twen times) are either married with kids now and living really content, quiet and happy family lifes (50% of them), or they went down the completely opposite single road, enjoying themselves fucking around with several different girls at any given time, having an easy and relaxed life. All of my friends seem to easily cope with their workload, have jobs they like, get along with colleagues, are financially well, have their own apartments, don't have ill or old family members to take care of or financially support, and fuck girls at a rate like there's no tomorrow.
I notice that I get along clearly less well with the married-with-kids friends now because our life realities and goals don't match anymore, plus time resources are extremely limited for these guys. With the single or kidless friends I'm getting along as well as ever, but I only see them rarely because most of the days, I'm too tired to do anything after work. I've tried pushing myself into the "fuck it, I'm tired but still going out/meeting somebody"-mode, but it's killing me after some days and only making my state much worse by sleep deprivation.
That post grew longer than it was supposed to, but I'm kinda lost here. Except for my travels (which are fucking great but only keep me happy for 6 weeks a year plus some long weekends), I don't get any enjoyment from my life anymore. I live to function and slave away on all fronts. The happiest moments in the past months were the quiet ones when I totally shut out the outside world and curled up in my bed.
I just don't know where to fucking start to make things better. To make it worse, I've not been blessed by the gene lottery and look shit. Even with stylish clothes, and a better mood, I'd still look ugly. Like in appalling girls in an environment like Germany, where they can choose from a lot of top looking guys.
I've thought about a trip to the Philippines, Thailand or Indonesia. My Tinder absolutely killed it in Manila.
But at the same time I understand, that I need to do something about my daily, miserable 46 weeks of the year that I can't spend fucking easy pussy in some country at the other end of the world.
I really want to get my ass up. I just don't know where to start because I seem so stuck in my messed up situation and don't know how the fuck I can start having a content life.
Thanks for persevering until the end of my post and please fire away with your feedback. I feel like I can need any input from you guys out there.
in the past months and especially weeks my entire physical and mental system rings all alarm bells at the same time, telling me something is terribly wrong in my life. While I do more or less understand and reflect the roots and causes for all my issues (fucked up childhood with single mum in ridiculous poverty for West-German standards, over-controlling matron grandmother, raised to be the "nice guy" who shuts up even when walked all over by others, complete absence of male role models except for my grandfather who died early, in addition slight asperger's or at least an extremely introvert/shy genetic disposition, IQ 125 when I had myself psychologically tested three years ago), this understanding doesn't help me shit in dealing with my everyday life issues that grow more and more.
The general outline of my current life, now at 32 is:
- I live with my mum, partly to support her because she is ill and financially broke, partly to save money on the ridiculous rent costs in my city.
Positive aspect: saves me a ton of rent and utility costs to be able to travel a lot. Renting my own place, while continuing to financially support my mum at the same time, would mean that my financial ability to travel would be cut back to maybe one week of travel per year. Also I'm able to save a little on the side. I have, right now, one year's net salary with benefits in savings.
- I'm working (for 10 full years already) a 9-to-5 paper-pushing office monkey job that is secure and pays okay, but I'm only at the bottom of what you would consider a middle class salary here in my part of Germany. Plus I hate my job, it's extremely stressful because every employee gets a 120% workload at least, management is poor, it's at the same time getting me nowhere intellectually, the colleagues are mostly reskilled housewives in their forties, playing their little office power games, talking about their dogs, child's school grades and sicknesses and their husbands behavior all day, or bitter males shortly before retiring, who don't see any purpose in life except slaving away in their job. It's just a very average environment and intellectually understimulating, nobody in my office likes to travel or widen their horizon, it's a completely toxic and understimulating environment.
Positive aspect: I don't really have to worry about financial security right now. My contract is open-ended and my company in a good financial state.
- current health issues:
I'm always extremely stressed and tired (need to commute 2 hours every day on overcrowded public transport that frequently breaks down, a car wouldn't save time due to traffic but increase my monthly costs, been there before, sold my car for good and I'm good with it), sleeping issues, my body feels like falling apart all over, a lot of headaches, pain in my back, stomach problems, heart race, a little overweight, I eat junk food all the time (except for lunch in my company's canteen) because I'm too lazy or tired to cook.
Positive aspect: I had my blood levels tested and electrocardiogram done at a doctor's last summer, everything checked out okay except a slightly high level of fat in the liver, I've also started taking vitamin D3 pills three weeks ago. In the end I think physically, there's nothing wrong with me that couldn't be resolved by cutting down on stress, working out etc. My problems seem to root exclusively in constant stress, discontent and my mental state.
- traveling:
The only part about my life that is really good. In the past decade I've traveled more than 200 cities in 29 countries on 3 continents and I'm fluent in or have some basic understanding of at least 7 languages. I'm planning on visiting around 50 more cities in 10 new countries in the next years and as long as I'm living with my mum, I'll be able to continue traveling at a rate of around 7 international flight trips each year. This rate might sound boastful, but it's the only thing that I really splurge on in my life. I'm abstaining from almost anything else in turn for it (no own apartment, no car, not much eating out)
- social life and sex life:
So here's where it gets really bad. Firstly, I didn't get laid in 12 fucking months. It's the longest drought period I've ever experienced since I started being sexually active. It's really driving me nuts at this point. P4P is not an option, not even to blow off steam (I don't judge and it's legal and easily available in my city. It's just not what I want right now, it wouldn't make me happy). My last (and dysfunctional/unhappy) LTR ended four years ago. Had some affairs, friends with benefits and one night stands since then, mainly with Czech and Ukrainian girls on their hometurf while I was traveling, but one Chinese, one German and one Hungarian girl here in Germany as well. But in the past 12 months I'm not able to pull anything anymore here in Germany. The larger my discontent with my general life, the more I seem to send out a vibe that's immediately drying up any pussy in a 2-mile radius around me. So I understand why it's getting worse in the past year. I don't even get girls from online game to meet up with me anymore, they're all pulling out of conversations as soon as I bring up the topic, or bringing up lies why they can't meet (busy etc.). In addition, my city Munich is not exactly a guy-friendly place if you're not top in game, looks, style and financial status. Competition is skyrocketing here, loads of guys who have everything and still have difficulties to get laid. Munich might be called the Toronto or DC of Germany in terms of finding girls for fucking.
A psychiatrist that I saw clearly pointed out to me that I lack an emotional life and that this is what's fucking me up so much. I only function like a robot every day, trying to cope with my 120% workload and power games in the office, enduring my daily 2-hour commute, standing on overcrowded trains and buses and in the evening organizing stuff for my mum and grandma or falling asleep at 9pm because I'm tired. In the office while some people are nice towards me, everybody is in a constantly bad mood and vibe because of year-long work overload and stress, and there are no young people my age at all, except for two married girls who are pregnant now and who I don't share any interests with.
My friends (all of whom I've known for 20 years or more and who are real friends, or at least have been during school and twen times) are either married with kids now and living really content, quiet and happy family lifes (50% of them), or they went down the completely opposite single road, enjoying themselves fucking around with several different girls at any given time, having an easy and relaxed life. All of my friends seem to easily cope with their workload, have jobs they like, get along with colleagues, are financially well, have their own apartments, don't have ill or old family members to take care of or financially support, and fuck girls at a rate like there's no tomorrow.
I notice that I get along clearly less well with the married-with-kids friends now because our life realities and goals don't match anymore, plus time resources are extremely limited for these guys. With the single or kidless friends I'm getting along as well as ever, but I only see them rarely because most of the days, I'm too tired to do anything after work. I've tried pushing myself into the "fuck it, I'm tired but still going out/meeting somebody"-mode, but it's killing me after some days and only making my state much worse by sleep deprivation.
That post grew longer than it was supposed to, but I'm kinda lost here. Except for my travels (which are fucking great but only keep me happy for 6 weeks a year plus some long weekends), I don't get any enjoyment from my life anymore. I live to function and slave away on all fronts. The happiest moments in the past months were the quiet ones when I totally shut out the outside world and curled up in my bed.
I just don't know where to fucking start to make things better. To make it worse, I've not been blessed by the gene lottery and look shit. Even with stylish clothes, and a better mood, I'd still look ugly. Like in appalling girls in an environment like Germany, where they can choose from a lot of top looking guys.
I've thought about a trip to the Philippines, Thailand or Indonesia. My Tinder absolutely killed it in Manila.
But at the same time I understand, that I need to do something about my daily, miserable 46 weeks of the year that I can't spend fucking easy pussy in some country at the other end of the world.
I really want to get my ass up. I just don't know where to start because I seem so stuck in my messed up situation and don't know how the fuck I can start having a content life.
Thanks for persevering until the end of my post and please fire away with your feedback. I feel like I can need any input from you guys out there.