Quote: (09-21-2016 02:56 PM)Phoenix Wrote:
To dissent, or perhaps just play devils advocate: maybe you should just stick with it.
Everyone here always says "oh just move on". On to what? Is the whole of America's male population going to pack up and move overseas?
It sounds good and strong and clever to say "just walk away". And what will he walk away to? Some other American women who isn't quite as fucked up? Or not quite as unattractive or slutty and so on? Accept nothing but flawless in a country full of the most flawed, and you guarantee ending up alone.
For my part, I'm going to have to agree with this position. OP asks a lot of questions about this or that, but I don't see the big one that's staring me right in the face listed:
Are ya happy (right now)?
For reference I'll quote the questions you asked.
Quote:Quote:
There were so many early slut-tells and so many moments where I could have shut this down and walked away. Why did I choose her anyway?
Why do I, despite knowing what I know, still feel such a bond to her? It’s usually so easy for me to walk away from women.
Why do I, despite having access to many women, keep choosing this particular type of woman? The one who I like, but hate her sexual history.
What does it say about my social value and self-worth if I keep choosing these types women?
The real talk is this: if you can't formulate a sketch of an answer to these questions, nobody here can do it for you. Nobody knows. And I think, in fact, that even if someone could attempt an outline, it wouldn't matter because the questions themselves are likely irrelevant anyway.
All I'm getting from that list is:
I'm not happy (right now).
Okay, we have that to work with, gut feelings aren't the whole story, but shouldn't be ignored. Next question:
Why ain't ya happy (right now)?
Or, more specifically:
What do you want?
If your personal history is essentially truthful, you sound like a solid dude who can pull a lot of tail. For whatever reason, perhaps because the moon was in the Sixth House of Aquarius, you met this chick, whom seems to fit the reasonable definition of a slut, fell in love with her, and now you're beating yourself all up about it.
I think the first thing to recognize that may help with some of those questions is:
it's okay that you did. There is no law on the books anywhere that I'm aware of that says it's illegal to fall in love with sluts, or that you have violated one of the Player Commandments handed down from on high and you must atone. A billion players have fallen in love with sluts before you, and a billion more likely will after (as a thousand posts on this forum give evidence to, including some of my own.)
You fell in love with a slut. So what? So has everyone else. Did you think you were special? You're not. And recognizing that is actually not at all a bad thing - it can in fact improve your life tremendously.
With that out of the way, let's do a little
Gedankenexperiment and think about your position now, and how your possible moves play out. Say you decide to stick with her, perhaps even commit to a LTR with her (we'll definitely put the marriage issue aside for a moment as everyone seems to be in agreement that's a bad idea.) What will happen?
Well, we all know that when it comes to relationships with women, past performance is often a pretty good indicator of future results, no matter how much she protests "I'm not like that anymore." You'll be happy for a while, no doubt. But she'll start to grow tired of the routine, your game will slip, and she'll hook up with some other guy, as surely as night follows day, and you'll find out about her taking Chad's cock in the bathroom stall. There will be no way forward, the relationship will end, and you
WILL be heartbroken. You'll also be a couple of months or years older.
Again, I'd pose the question:
so what? A billion men have had their hearts broken by sluts before you. A billion more will after. It's honestly a "cost of doing business." Did you think by being a player you could somehow avoid heartbreak, suffering, and pain? That you were so tough, that you'd never build an emotional bond just to have it ripped from you? Again, there certainly isn't any contract I'm aware of that comes with either life or the Player's Handbook that I recall signing off on that said I could be immune to suffering. It's not possible, not if you're human. I'd advise forgetting the notion of some kind of immunity to suffering entirely.
You could walk right now if you want. There's no law that says you can't, and maybe it's the best option for you, particularly if she's throwing some BPD-tells. But keep in mind - you'll also be heartbroken that way too, perhaps almost as much as if she'd cheated and walked on you six months or a year from now...no man who wouldn't be heartbroken over a woman no matter what way it ended would write a post of that length about her. And you also won't be getting laid with someone you like, at least for a while. You may keep more of your ego intact. So there's that.
And what then? You're a single 30-something man in America. So am I. Your own stated notch count is proof positive that single women in our demographic generally aren't housewife material. It's a nice notion that never-married girls in their late 20s and early 30s are all post-wall spinsters, while us guys in our 30s are at the top of our game and can have our pick of the litter of 23 y/o "good girls." It's a fucking nice feel-good notion, isn't it? It's also an illusion. The reason the dating scene in this demo is such a shitshow is that while neither never-married or divorced men and never-married or divorced women wouldn't like to admit it, we both kinda missed the boat. My college girlfriend married the next guy she slept with after me at around age 22. She has four kids or something now.
That's where the "good girls" for us 30-somethings are here in America, folks - they're teaching their teenage daughter to drive, cook, and go to church while they're teaching their 2nd son to read, right now. You won't find 'em at the club. You won't find them daygaming in Starbucks in a quiet suburb of Boston or NYC without the stroller in tow. And you certainly won't find them on OKCupid or Tinder.
So even if you work your bloody ass off unicorn-hunting, don't be surprised if all you get for all the work is a girl with one fewer tattoo and a notch count of 18 instead of 30. And what have you won then, exactly?
Players and sluts in their declining years are passengers together on the Titanic, and everyone is scrambling for the four lifeboats left. Don't be surprised if you don't get a spot - in the West at least the good ship Happily Ever After set sail a long time ago.
Maybe you get lucky and somehow find the low-notch-count good girl of your dreams working in a library three miles away. And you marry her. And she cheats on you all the same and breaks your heart (and maybe the bank too, if worse comes to worse.) It's happened to a billion men before...there are simply no guarantees.
Or you could set your sights East as some have done, cast your lot there, and head off in your quest, never to return. The notion has its appeal to me as well; I can't deny that I think about it from time to time. But here my knowledge ends.
There are no perfect options and never will be. No relationship is forever, everything is time-limited, no woman will ever love and care for you the way Mommy did. But before you can proceed with whatever least-worst option appeals to you the most, I think you have to take some real introspection time and ask yourself "What do I want?" Without an outline of an answer to that question, it will be impossible for anyone to help you, not even yourself.
And from the OP's post this morning, I'm happy to say it looks like he's started down that path.
