[Onto]

Love (And a breakup) is like having the flu. The only thing that cures it is time.

Besides time, the only doctor that can make it all better is the very person who caused the pain.

GS, you're doing all you really can. Just being a good listener, empathizing, and riding it out until enough time passes.

[ovloV]

(04-15-2016 06:54 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

(04-15-2016 06:51 PM)Going strong Wrote:  

Also, I could bet she told you that ("nothing to live for anymore"), to "troll" you, to provoke a reaction (she knew her sons would feel bad about such a hurtful statement)... She was just asking for attention, not really believing what she was saying (absolutely classic female behavior actually)?.

I highly doubt she had that kind of agenda. She is really just saying emotional shit that a woman says when her heart is broken. Dramatic.

It sounds like your mom has had a rough couple of years between a recent bout with cancer that can leave you physically beaten up to splitting up with a long-term relationship can drain you emotionally. She'll bounce back, but it will take time. Just let her know that you're there for her.

[Anabasis to Desta]

(04-15-2016 07:11 PM)Onto Wrote:  

Love (And a breakup) is like having the flu. The only thing that cures it is time.

Besides time, the only doctor that can make it all better is the very person who caused the pain.

GS, you're doing all you really can. Just being a good listener, empathizing, and riding it out until enough time passes.

[Disco_Volante]

Only grandchildren, church, gardening, and cooking are outlets for women over 50. They aren't meant to, and not capable of, offering much to society other than those things. They get their fun youth, but when you factor in women live longer, you're talking potentially 30+ years of loneliness after their last traces of beauty dry up in their 40s. There are older women who taught their daughters feminism and reap the 'reward' when they're 55 and their independent daughter has no interest in giving them grandkids. They pay the price. It becomes apparent feminism does the most damage to women, the effects are just masked for a while.

[Rocha]

She your mother, blood from your blood, she gave you life. Support her 100%, cut off all this "redpill" advice, and encourage her to reach out to the guy.
There is something about her that made him like her and maintain a 1000km distance relationship. It is perfectly normal that he "cheated", if this word can be used in this case. They are adults and humans, and know very well how things work in long distance relationships, your mother is just playing her part on the game.
Sponsor a meeting between them, he must be a cool guy, and at +55 she probably will not get better. Better her have a nice guy at her side than beeing a bitter old woman. Not a good place here to ask this kind of advice, relationships between older people are not like the ones we usually discuss here.

[Captainstabbin]

(04-15-2016 11:30 PM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  

Only grandchildren, church, gardening, and cooking are outlets for women over 50. They aren't meant to, and not capable of, offering much to society other than those things. They get their fun youth, but when you factor in women live longer, you're talking potentially 30+ years of loneliness after their last traces of beauty dry up in their 40s. There are older women who taught their daughters feminism and reap the 'reward' when they're 55 and their independent daughter has no interest in giving them grandkids. They pay the price. It becomes apparent feminism does the most damage to women, the effects are just masked for a while.

This is why women should spend their youth building goodwill with their husbands. That goodwill will keep him loyal well into her post-wall years.

[General Stalin]

Thanks for all the advice and support comrades. I appreciate it deeply.

Some new developments that I observed tonight that ease my mind and heart a lot more about her and her situation:

Even at almost 60, she is doing what any other girl who's been dumped/cheated on will do - hopping to other options (ie past lovers). Mercenary called that one. I came home to her on the phone with a male friend she has spent time with over the years. Now drunk out of her mind and lonely, she is confessing her love for him. Right after she got off the phone with him, some other guy called who she dated over 10 years ago who she must have called earlier in the day. I was in the bathroom but I overheard her saying how she is available now if he wanted to "take things slow."

She is not short on potential companions, and these men are plenty thirsty enough, though I believe they are all younger than her (thirst is really real).

She does keep bringing up how she is old and scarred up and feels like she has nothing to offer to a man anymore (basically true, aside from companionship).

Above that, a lot of her problem is just being drunk going on three days straight, dramatically rambling about shit, and being overly emotional because she is one of those kind of drunks. Because I know she is drunk and won't remember 75% of what is even going on, I just sort of yes her to death when she talks. Offer encouraging words and all that. I will try to convince her to move back East - my family has been telling her that as well.

She told me her ex said he changed his mind but of course she denied him. He also said he will still mail her money to help her out

We'll see how this plays out the next few days.

[Matt Warner]

(04-15-2016 11:30 PM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  

Only grandchildren, church, gardening, and cooking are outlets for women over 50. They aren't meant to, and not capable of, offering much to society other than those things. They get their fun youth, but when you factor in women live longer, you're talking potentially 30+ years of loneliness after their last traces of beauty dry up in their 40s. There are older women who taught their daughters feminism and reap the 'reward' when they're 55 and their independent daughter has no interest in giving them grandkids. They pay the price. It becomes apparent feminism does the most damage to women, the effects are just masked for a while.

Like men women vary a lot. Some at that age are like you describe, some aren't.
I'm 50 and my partner is older than me and the exact opposite.
Numbers wise where I live (Aussi big city) there seems to be heaps of single women that age and above so for the OP it is not easy for your mum to meet someone else.
I think just be a loving son for now she will likely do it tough for a while. Most guys like healthy happy people which won't be her for a while it sounds.
That said I still see a lot of people this age and older still meeting others.
I have a woman friend in her fifties whose husband took off with a fellow worker a couple of years ago. She was shattered and the last thing she wanted was another man
Around a year and a bit later she met another guy and they are pretty happy. So it does happen.

[spokepoker]

Your mother isn't telling you all this to hear a solution, she's just talking for the sake of drama signalling.
All mothers do it, all women do it.
My mother starts complaining to me about something not important or real, I immediately tell her it's not my business and if it doesn't involve actually doing something (roof repair, yard work, plumbing, electrical, etc etc), I'm not interested in listening. Women never get to the point fast enough, and listening to them just to find out pertinent information is like wading through thick knee high mud.

[Guriko]

Dear General Stalin,

your post struck a chord with me, albeit for different reasons. My parents divorced not so long ago (a couple of years) because my dad had decided to leave with another woman. Mom never cheated on him but their marriage collapsed due to him not demanding from her what made him happy and her being quite the most stubborn horse but both tried their best.

I do not wish to derail this thread for the only reason I posted the above information is to show the reasons for my thoughts on your most personal matter. I must be honest and say that I’ve come to dislike adulterers. My dad cheated on my mom and simply left. I’ve come to grips that both share the blame, but like you I was and somewhat still am dealing with a broken woman in her fifties who gave birth to me and tried her best to make me into a good man.

I am angry and sad at the same time that your mother cheated on your father multiple times. Sometimes it is truly hard to fathom, but simply behind a few descriptive words such as ‘bitter father’ lies a whole person with a history, emotions and problems. But I also try to feel compassion for your mother. I know not neither her past nor her motivations. The only thing I know is the personal torture called cancer. I’ve saw it eat my grandfather alive and wish your mother the best of health.

After much thought I’ve come up with a few points which helped me help my mother.

1. Choose yourself first

When it comes to family the spheres of privacy between people get blurred easily. My mother totally sucked me into her black hole of emotions which crushed me as long as I’ve let her. She did not this on purpose, but it was still truly draining and because of that I’ve stopped functioning properly on the long run.

This went on for so long until I said stop. I’ve had to choose myself first because if I’m in a fucked up state then I’ll only make matters worse – for me and her. I hope and believe the same is not happening to you for if it is, it must immediately cease.

First rule in Emergency Medicine – YOUR OWN safety first. Then you save others.

2. Face reality

Your mother is in her fifties.
She is a cancer survivor.
An occasional drinker.

Her prime is in the past which she thoroughly used as you’ve said as she cheated when she had the opportunity. What is left for her to offer another man except companionship, like many posters have already noted? But I believe that the situation is not so grim. I’ve demanded from my own mother that she:

- starts eating more healthy
- gets her ass kicked into gear and start doing physical activities
- takes care of outward and inward appearance

There is no shortage of men and I believe your mother already has potential suitors.

3. Make your mother face reality

Though this may seem harsh but it did work for my own situation. Let me explain: I’ve never truly understood the modern notion of eternal youth. Why has it become the common belief that women in their fifties, sixties or even older must experience a truly tumultuous adventurous life with numerous love affairs (I strongly encourage your mother to find a companion but discourage short term relationships), trips and cocktail parties?

I believe women not to be built that way. I think what they need most in their old age is stability. I’ve said to my mother to immediately throw out the modern garbage of books and films because my own energy and patience is also limited. If she is not prepared to change for the better of herself and us then I’ll stop helping her. It hurt saying that but something had to change and I believe it did, for the better.

She is still working and after she comes home she has:

- a family she can care for
- a set of hobbies that excite her
- a circle of friends which provide emotional support (when it comes to friends you have to have a little luck though because aging gold diggers do not give sound advice)

Nowadays she is much better. Still is not seeing anyone because I think that like your father still loves your mother so does my mother still love my father. But we are miles ahead from where we started.

To sum up my longwinded post which hopefully helps you if only for a little bit:

- choose yourself first
- face reality
- make your mother face reality

Our situation is radically different but similar in some ways so I also feel for you. But I believe in you, comrade Stalin, that you’ll pull this through and come out a better man in the end. Stay strong!

[Rawmeo]

The OP has a high reputation here and got a lot of sympathy from all of us. While I understand that the OP has high-rep, loves his mother and wants the best for her, I have to give a totally objective opinion on the subject.

1) Make your mother look at the reality:
If your mother has a "boyfriend", it means that she was a single mother. I do not know if you were born outside of marriage or not, but this is unrelevant to the current situation: The man is dating a girl with kids.

Remember, on the forum, how much some of us bash single motherhood, seeing them as ONS material, etc. I hate to say this, but this man sees your mother this way. To your eyes, she is your world, the mother who raised you and took care of you. To the eyes of other men, she is a single mom that will be just a +1 notch count for them. Especially since she is past her prime. Having a faithful boyfriend is something "earned", not something "granted". A girl cannot just say "you are my boyfriend, so from today, you don't touch other girls". A girl has to prove herself to her man in order for him to consider being faithful to her.

She has the right to love like everyone else; she has the right to have intimate and fun moments with someone who cares for her; but she cannot expect a 100% faithful man that will see her and only her.

2) Comfort her
Doing part #1 is half the work; the next part is to do some activity with her, comfort her, and just try your best to make her happy. Perhaps bring her on a trip, do some crazy stuff, and get her back on track.

Sorry for what happened, OP. Hope she will be all right.

[262]

(04-16-2016 02:10 AM)spokepoker Wrote:  

Your mother isn't telling you all this to hear a solution, she's just talking for the sake of drama signalling.
All mothers do it, all women do it.
My mother starts complaining to me about something not important or real, I immediately tell her it's not my business and if it doesn't involve actually doing something (roof repair, yard work, plumbing, electrical, etc etc), I'm not interested in listening. Women never get to the point fast enough, and listening to them just to find out pertinent information is like wading through thick knee high mud.

Agree.

As my mom became more dramatic as she got older, I remember asking my dad for advice. He said what spokepoker said - she wants drama, not solutions. Hence why she'd logically acknowledge my solutions, but then later ignore them, with the drama "happening" to continue.

When my dad told me that advice, it was then that I realized that I now had to treat my mom as a woman. While technically still my mom, she no longer was my mom, in the caring behavior sense.

[General Stalin]

We had a talk this morning before I left for work. She was relatively sober and coherent so we were able to have a decent discussion.

Like I said before, she is just in a cloud of emotion from this recent breakup. Feeling abandoned, betrayed, and generally shortsighted about the bigger picture. She recognizes that there are other men in her life that will be there for her but she doesn't want to treat them as rebounds.

@Guriko

I'm fine at not letting her shit drag me down. I'm almost too fine. I'm very efficient at emotionally distancing myself from things that are not my problem. While I am concerned for her and you can see from my posting this thread that I care a lot about her - it's not something that I let weigh heavy on me. I know she will move on.

This morning when talking to her I was able to get real and tell her that no man waits 10 years to decide to marry someone, and her now-ex is no any kind of "model man" who makes the right decisions. Why would he buy a $3k ring for a woman he never intends to marry or live with? The dude takes care of 3 children from his previous marriage that are not even his and he knows this, but he supports them as if he where their father.

My mother just longs for companionship and doesn't want to grow old alone, which I don't believe she will.

She did mention that maybe it's karma for what she did to my father all those years ago. Like I said before, given my family history and my personal history with dating, I have an extra special level of resentment for unfaithfulness so while I don't believe in "karma," I do feel like her notion of that is well warranted.

@Rawmeo

I'm not so sure you can look at this situation in basic manosphere/PUA terms. I don't believe a divorced man in his 50's who supports a few children of his own sees another woman in her 50's with two grown kids that live on their own as just a "Singlemom +1 notch." When you get older some of your priorities shift. It becomes less about banging slags and more about seeking companionship.

If this man was just looking for a +1 then I'm sure he wouldn't be wasting a decade with my mother buying her a ring and mailing her money every other week.

After a little time of grieving I believe she will be fine and we'll be able to talk a little more realistically about it.

[Sp5]

(04-15-2016 06:39 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Our family is a mess and not tightly knit. My father never really dated after my mother left him. His answer to that was always "I married the woman I love." Needless to see he is very bitter and lonely nowadays. Between his heartache and my mother taking off when we were still young, my brother and I never had the best and healthiest outlook on family or relationships.

That said, we take of our own as needed. I moved across the country to take care of my mother while she went through cancer treatment. Back East, my brother is taking care of my father and his medical issues. We just aren't great at smoothing the rough edges of family crisis.

I know this goes against every precept and maxim here and elsewhere, but given your father's apparent oneitis, what about your parents getting back together?

You'd have to think about whether that would be good for him, of course.

[Sumanguru]

This is a hard thread to read, as I too have a mom in her 50's who made bad choices with men and is going through severe loneliness. I've tried to help her improve her lot--encouraged physical activity, pusher her to get out more, drove her to the nutritionist so she can lose weight--but she doesn't really have the courage to do what's necessary and change for a better life. And she doesn't see how her bad choices led to her current state, while still harboring bitterness at people from her past.

Basically, she's a woman.

To any guy who is ever in a similar situation, I would recommend re-reading Guriko's post, espcially #1. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. I love my mom, and I've made an effort to help her, but I'm not going to spend time being her emotional tampon while she doesn't work to improve herself. And if I don't put myself first, I can't help anyone at all.

It's one thing to surf this forum, to see manosphere posts, and read about the Red Pill, and the destructive influence of feminism. It's another thing to go out on a bunch of dates with hoes and see those things happen. And then it's another thing entirely to see your mom has been broken by those terrible influences, and you can see how much your life was shaped by them.

[CactusCat589]

Just let her do whatever, she's not a good woman. Let it be. Simple as that.

[Anabasis to Desta]

^ She's his own flesh & blood.

You don't cut off family.

No point in having one if you're not willing to help each other out unconditionally in times of need.

[Disco_Volante]

A woman 50+ is probably similar social value to an average man in a western country today.

It's hard to get invited places, it's hard to get relationships, it's hard to build a legit social circle, etc...

Women have never had to work for any of the social / emotional perks they'd been given their whole lives because they were attractive. It was given to them and they didn't really know it. There was always another thirsty dude waiting. The music stops, they're completely lost.

The obvious difference is, men can make themselves more attractive through various improvements, whereas an old woman is completely fucked. It doesn't matter what she does. You would think, at least some of these old hags would do society a favor and blatantly warn young women not to make the same mistakes, but of course they're not mentally capable of that courtesy either.

[General Stalin]

(04-16-2016 02:18 PM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  

A woman 50+ is probably similar social value to an average man in a western country today.

It's hard to get invited places, it's hard to get relationships, it's hard to build a legit social circle, etc...

Women have never had to work for any of the social / emotional perks they'd been given their whole lives because they were attractive. It was given to them and they didn't really know it. There was always another thirsty dude waiting. The music stops, they're completely lost.

The obvious difference is, men can make themselves more attractive through various improvements, whereas an old woman is completely fucked. It doesn't matter what she does. You would think, at least some of these old hags would do society a favor and blatantly warn young women not to make the same mistakes, but of course they're not mentally capable of that courtesy either.

I wouldn't say so, they still get it easy. The perks just change a bit.

You ever hear little old ladies called "creepy"? No, but old men for sure.

Elderly women are disarming and sweet, and can curry favor on that alone. My mother is very sweet, polite, and pleasant when dealing with people. She even got me a notch a couple years ago.

She may have little to no SMV, but she gets complimented and approached favorably very often when out and about.

[samsamsam]

GS,

Seems like this thread might help your Mom. Ignore the negative stuff in the thread, just seems like she could get a lot of interest.

thread-55195.html

[262]

(04-16-2016 12:20 PM)Anabasis to Desta Wrote:  

^ She's his own flesh & blood.

You don't cut off family.

No point in having one if you're not willing to help each other out unconditionally in times of need.

I'm going to "not quite" you again, Anabasis

I remember when my mom discovered that her sister basically tried to steal their father's inheritance for herself, despite their father explicitly stating in his will that it was to be divided evenly.

Needless to say - I hope - at that point, you definitely cut off family.

[General Stalin]

Just an update on the situation - she put the bottle down yesterday and is doing much better facing the music. She is quickly coming to terms with this and is more realistic and level headed about it. She seems less worried about her age and appearance in regards to potentially finding another man.

I'd like to thank the lot of you again for offering advice and support.