So, here is an epic confession from a super ultimate beta bitch boy (warning - this is a long one. buckle up); I have a "best-friend" who's female. Let's call her "Jessica." Yes I have feelings for her and action needs to be taken, but there is a lot of history. I know the rules about posting a "sob story" about one particular girl you're struggling with, but this is about how to break out of that prison forever and create a new path towards abundance. I would love to get some advice on this if anyone has time, and I'm sure other pathetic betas like me have found themselves in this situation.
Jessica and I have been friends since we were 14/15; high school in the Midwest. I was kind of a fat/awkward chump. She was the mysterious new girl; incredibly beautiful, highly sought after and DIFFERENT. To this day she's one of the sexiest women I know, but also shockingly funny and down to earth. You just don't find beautiful women as cool or talented as her ANYWHERE, at least in the US…
Somehow when I was this fat awkward teen, she thought I was cute. I was not use to chicks finding interest in me whatsoever. We "dated" for a couple of weeks and it was awkward as fuck - nothing physical other than cuddling and hand holding (yes my game was that low at the time). So that ended promptly, and of course we became "best friends", and bonded for years with each other's families, close friends etc. She's also been one of my most helpful and supportive friends throughout the years.
The college years arrived and she became a flighty world traveler, which made me sad. But then she ended up at my university for one semester. I helped her get situated and we started hanging out immediately.
By this time I had lost about 50 pounds and sorta had my look together, so I did my first alpha move ever and went in for a kiss one night. No, she wasn't the first girl I kissed but I didn't date in high school at all. I didn't want to date the fat or average girls who would go for me, and this has given me a nasty complex. I was a very late bloomer and it fucked me up a bit.
She was completely shocked and even freaked out when I kissed her, yet responsive. We fooled around for a month or two. I finger banged her and sucked her tits a few times, but she didn't let it go any further. Then things became awkward. I was still highly inexperienced and didn't know how to interact with her while this was going on. She decided we should just be friends. I was like (retard voice) "Okay… You're right. the friendship's more important."
Figured I fucked that up forever and tried to forget about it. She moved to a different state and that was that. Then she came to visit one time and we met up in our home town to havw drinks with some mutual friends. It ended up with me driving her and another chick out to a lake, where we drank vodka and went skinny dipping.
I'd like to say that I nailed them both, but that's just not who I was at the time (shame I know - the other girl was cute too). But I did end up making out with Jessica, which totally caught me off guard. I didn't think there was any way she could still be attracted to me after my previous bumbling. We got back to her place eventually and I got cock blocked by her puking friend, which sucked, because I was feeling some really hot energy between us.
The next day she was to fly back to school. I dropped by to see her off, and to my surprise she was acting totally normal towards me. Like nothing happened… It felt pretty cold and I wasn't sure how to process it, due to my lack of experience.
We kept chatting on the phone every couple of months (yes, I ooze with beta, and it gets much worse), and she always spoke to me with warm, flirty affection. So when Valentine's Day rolled around I presented the idea of flying out to visit her. She agreed and seemed excited.
I was walking on clouds everyday leading up to my departure, telling myself that I've just always been special to her for some reason. Then I arrived and this is where things become too pathetic to even imagine. She tells me nonchalantly as we're leaving the airport that she's started seeing one of her ex's again just in the last week… WTF… I was baffled, but I just thought "okay, play it cool and see what happens."
Long story short; we partied and she rejected me. She allowed a guy who obviously liked her to FLY out to visit her for a plutonic Valentine's Date (her dude wasn't around for some reason) just to shoot me down and make me feel like shit. No, she didn't want me to pay for dinner because she isn't a cunt (I did anyway). But what the fuck was she thinking letting me come out??
IT GETS WORSE. Did I say that already? She said she wouldn't feel right about letting anything happen with us. But still totally acted like she wanted to, sitting on my lap, and even cuddling with me at night. Yeah, that's right. We slept together without fucking. I win the beta bitch award for life. But that's not the end of it. We're just getting warmed up.
I'll tell you, there's nothing like being rejected by someone, and then being stuck with them for a couple days, hoping that things might turn around (and being unable to turn them around yourself from lack of alpha-ness.) Except maybe doing it twice… That's right. Instead of telling her to fuck off forever like I should have, I went back to visit her again months later as she was breaking up with her dude.
I know, it's crazy stupid, but my fucked up beta brain told me that she had to have feelings for me if we cuddled like that. She just didn't want to cross the line, (ultra retard voice), "but now that she's definitely single…" Ugh, I know, I know… So I went out there again, we partied, flirted, I hung out with her grandparents who happened to live out there (her family loves me of course), but the same thing happened. This time she didn't want to ruin the friendship. She just knew if she let anything happen it would come back to haunt us (lol).
I never should have talked to her again after our first incident, but my beta-ness was just strong enough to let me accept this as okay. I was use to heartbreak, humiliation and punishment. After a while you tell yourself that you deserve the treatment.
Jessica and I stayed in touch over the years that followed, occasionally calling and writing. I was still in the midwest and she ended up in LA. She went in and out of one engagement as I continued to struggle with women. I nailed a few solid 9s and even a couple 10s, but my beta bullshit always got in the way and fucked it up pretty fast, if not immediately. I dated a couple 8s for a few months and had my first long-term relationship with a 7/8 for 2.5 years.
Jessica had started pushing me to move to LA. It had always been the plan, since i was pursuing a career in film, and she told me I could crash with her until I got set up. At this point I honestly believed I was completely over her. In fact I was interested in meeting and dating her hot friends. Yes, I was still in my 1 long-term experiment, but I never intended for that one to be permanent. I wanted to establish my career in the entertainment industry, and then date hotter chicks that are 5-10 years younger than me (was approaching 30) and make up for lost time…
So I moved to LA about 4 years ago and Jessica helped me get set up, just as she promised. We had a blast hanging out together. We did a lot of relationship talk which I know is wrong now, but she got a kick out of my bumbling stories. She loves my self deprecation, but I make it funny rather than pathetic.
Everything was fine for a long time. I hit it off with her boyfriend and even became their roommate for a period when they moved in together. We spent a lot of time hiking, and having dinner/movie nights. It was a lot of fun, and I was a different person by now. I had grown out of any childish infatuations, or so I thought…
I had broken up with my long term GF 6 months after moving, but I didn't date. I was too focused, first on survival, and then getting my career going. That's a long process, and it's really hard to game when you already suck at it and you're struggling to get on your feet and find stability. Unfortunately it was just too fun, easy and economical to avoid going out, and hang with my great roommates all the time instead. They were always down to chill with me.
My mistake was not having any boundaries during this period. Jessica has NO sense of boundaries. She thinks all guys are her brother. And since her BF was a total party pooper and socially lazy, she would ALWAYS tag along with me, whatever I was doing, or drag me along with her. We became closer, and closer, and I just sat there absorbing her energy for hours and days at a time.
I never lied to myself that I didn't think she was still smoking hot, but I thought, this is LA…. There are thousands of smoking hot little sluts that I need to try and nail. In fact I was, and still am semi-obsessed with the idea of learning/mastering game, especially now that I am established and doing fairly well out here (and I have a lot of work to do in this area).
How could I possibly want someone my own age, who has badly dicked me around emotionally for starters, but has also given me a life long friendship that I really value? There's no reason or incentive for me to have feelings for her. I don't want to marry until I'm around 40 (if at all), and I'd want my bride to be a younger hottie. Why would I try to sabotage myself when this is what I've been secretly after for years.
Despite all of my hard logic and resistance, I became increasingly affected by her presence, and upset over the fact that we're both getting older and I'll never know if we could have had something more. We just connected too hard on so many levels that my body, heart and mind couldn't accept what we were anymore. I'm a guy for Christ sake.
Eventually I moved out and got my own place. Jessica and her boyfriend of around 5 years weren't living together anymore, and I knew long before that they weren't going to last. What then, I thought… If she's single and I have to watch her start dating new people it's going to fuck with me badly, because we still hangout all the time. When she started actually talking to me about wanting to be single and see other guys she'd dated previously, I knew a line needed to be drawn right away.
I decided I needed to tell her how I felt. Unfortunately I laid everything out, which I now understand is totally counter-productive. Perhaps I should have just made a move, but she was still technically with her BF who had been really nice to me and helped me find a car etc. I wouldn't have felt right about disrespecting him that way.
Either way, I told her that I liked our friendship and the last thing I wanted to do was fuck it up, but I'd fallen in love with her. I explained that even though love and marriage are the last things that I want in my life right now, I somehow still would want to marry her in a second and was terrified about the idea of not being with her, or never knowing what we could have had if we were more than friends.
Of course she said she loved me dearly as a friend, and I went on to explain how our friendship was now effecting me. Friends and family had become highly confused about us, and I was constantly being asked about her and reminded that I'm not the one she's into. I told her it was wearing on me and I didn't know how we'd be able to stay friends. She cried a bit, saying I was all she had (not begging me not to leave her or anything, but sad). I told her that was bullshit, but she said she didn't like everyone else as much as me. Awww. Pfffff
Anyway, we hugged it out and decided not to make any final conclusions that night because it was completely out of left field for her, and I didn't expect her to know how to react. I distanced myself for a little while, although there were a couple emails back and fourth about this revelation, where i said way too much again about my feelings and how she affected me. Her reactions were warm and sympathetic, but she was uncertain about what to do.
Somehow the issue became buried over the following months and I started hanging out with her again. Her temporary longterm BF missed hanging out with me and wanted to do some traditional nights of grilling out on the patio and then watching movies. I figured there was little reason to create drama between the three amigos and agreed. We had so much fun together, and it was easy for me to ignore my feelings while she was still with him.
After all, I had bonded with the two of them as roommates long before I was aware of any feelings I had for Jessica. So I didn't feel jealous per say when it came to him. Everything felt normal and I was able to fool myself into forgetting about my baggage and just have fun with them.
Of course that could only last for so long. I became anxious again. Things started to bother me like before and then drive me crazy. Then she hit me with something new just a few months ago. She revealed that she had broken up with her BF about 3 months prior, but they were still seeing each other, and holding off on telling people because it would be confusing. She said she was telling me first because I'm her BFF (give me a fucking break).
She followed that with the news that I wouldn't see her for about a month and a half because she was flying to Jersey one weekend, then Hawaii the next, and then I was going to be out of town. It totally put me back in my dark place of misery and depression (imagining all the new alpha dick that would be coming her way). I got to enjoy this while visiting home for the holidays. Good times… She had also started talking about wanting to move away again, and that brought yet another level of anxiety.
I saw her a couple of times just before this last Valentine's Day, just the two of us having dinner and watching a flick. I was thinking I might say fuck it and just make a move. Or maybe let her use me for another friend-Vday and then go totally alpha on her and just see what happens. I was starting to feel like there was nothing to lose.
But she popped my bubble immediately with more great news; she was flying to see her high school sweetheart over Vday. My heart sank. I should have kicked the table over and forcefully kissed her. Then walk out on her forever if she doesn't let me ravish her right then and there. But no… I swallowed hard, tried to eat some of our dinner, sat through a whole movie and went home like a bitch.
I later wrote her another email with too many of my feelings shamelessly on display; but my basic message was that I'm running low on energy with our friendship; that I don't want to be anywhere near her when she starts seeing new people, and that when I start dating, I'm going to stay as far away from her as possible because she'll always be a distraction. I told her was also really stressed over the fact that she wants to move again, and I'm a mess over all of this again.
She seemed to feel really bad again about what she was putting me through, but again didn't know what to say. She said I should realize that this cruel joke life was playing is actually on her (which is very true since she's in her 30s - but I swear you would think she's a hot 26, thanks to all her good habits and intelligence). She said she has the same argument with herself (why don't I want this?) because I'm right that we would make sense together in a lot of ways. She didn't say much else other than she needs time to reflect before saying more.
Soon after this she was texting me again like everything was just fine; "my brother's getting married! isn't that amazing??!!? "Hey! What are you doing today? Wanted to drag you to a potluck w me![[Image: smile.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/smile.gif)
". I was trying again to adopt a much shorter and colder tone with her, but then I had a crazy project come up and had to put this whole issue with her on the back burner for several weeks. Then she came out on my birthday and we had some good laughs.
Now I'm trying to be less responsive to her again, but it probably hasn't even been long enough for her to notice. I'm starting to sense that she is trying to be more cautious with me as well, not contacting me to hang out as much as she was. Hard to tell for sure at this point…
So… Here I am today. I recently began studying the Alpha theory and I'm completely inspired and committed to taking action, and transforming myself into an alpha with full integrity, confidence and control. After all, I'm a 33 year-old professional in the entertainment industry. I have my own pad, wheels, I just got a promotion at work (editor), and I'm about to sign my first feature film deal. Things are moving at an excellent pace, all things considered, and my value could go way up between now and 40 if things continue to go well.
I'm an intellectual activist, artist, martial artist (black belts in TKD), I speak two languages, great at making people laugh, and as of now I'm making it a point to read, meditate and exercise daily. I'm also lucky enough to have some conventional good looks to help me along the way; tall, broad shoulders, square jaw, dark hair, dark eyes, big smile.
My biggest physical setback is that I have just a tiny bit of the "skinny-fat" problem going on (from losing all that weight at age 20), but I'm combatting that hard nowadays with strict Paleo nutrition and hypertrophy muscle building exercises. This will be key to improving my game because nothing has fucked it up more than my self-consciousness. Despite having slept with some girls who had excellent bodies and wanted to keep fucking me (although I do have a bit of a "oneitis" problem too), I'm tremendously insecure about my body to this day and it is by far my biggest hang up.
Getting into great shape and building muscle has been severely challenging for me, and I don't think I knew the proper methods until recently when I began studying fitness more carefully. I think I finally have a good routine and diet to get into great shape. I just have to get my sleep under control. That's been the biggest challenge. If I don't get enough repair time, it's impossible for me to build muscle and my schedule is crazy. When I have to change it, everything gets thrown off, so I'm trying out different strategies to get my 6-7 hrs of sleep to 8-9/night on a regular basis.
So I think that I have the right tools, desires and the mindset to take the alpha journey now, and since I've started reading about it (and learning to meditate), I've been looking at this Jessica problem differently; the bitch fucking sabotaged me (her supposed "BFF") by keeping her break up from me. I feel like she tricked me into being friend-zoned. One of the reasons I poured my heart out to her was so that I could distance myself when she decided to see someone new, who isn't me, and avoid getting hurt more.
Instead of being sensitive to that, she put it on the back burner and just hoped it would blow over before slapping me with - "btw I've been single for months and I'm going traveling now, and seeing my ex over Vday, and hey, you should date my friend who's a 7."
FUCK YOU BITCH! I'm am so fucking done taking this girl's abuse. That's how I'm feeling right now. Part of me wants to harshly kick her out of my life, and another part of me would like to take one last shot at fucking her, out of spite if nothing else. Realistically I see 3 different ways I could handle this:
1) I send her an email saying that I'll always care about her, but our friendship is toxic in ways that can't be overcome, so I can't have her in my life anymore. Simple and straight forward. No more calls, texts, Facebook. Nothing… Without making it sound dramatic… It's not like she wouldn't know what it's about. If she asks to talk about it, I'll say she knows where to find me if she wants to talk in person like an adult, but I'm done with phone and email. If she comes over I make my move. If she rejects me, I reject her and tell her to get out of my apartment, then my life.
I feel like it's also likely she might say she understands and respect my wishes. In which case I might lose my last chance to go alpha on her in person, and just accept never seeing her again (maybe for the best).
2) I subtly give her the cold shoulder until she wants to make plans. Then when I get her alone, I make my move. If she rejects me, then I reject her like in option 1. I could tell her that I understand, but I can't have her in my life anymore, because it fucks with my head and I have too much dignity to accept what we are and let her friend zone me. If I'm not the guy for her, she'll just have to accept not having me there at all to fulfill her male sensitivity needs (makes sense that she has a lot of guy friends. Her dad basically abandon her. I'm more of a favorite crutch than a BFF).
3) I suck it up and create some distance, without ending the friendship all together. I know that sounds Beta, but it would force me to be strong and accept that she's not the most special thing in the world, and place less value on her (get to a place of zen with it - if I'm capable). I also might be able to let her watch me go through my radical self improvement/transformation process, and maybe even watch me pick up some hot younger chicks. The best revenge is to live well, right?
In fact, something kind of amazing happened at my bday. I struck up a conversation with a HOT 24-year-old Australian girl at the bar, right in front of Jessica. It was kind of beautiful. The Aussie was dressed up on her way to the clubs in Hollywood, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I bought her a shot, and a grey-goose martini. We talked for maybe 20 minutes and had a lot of common interests. It was a natural, fun conversation (Australian girls rock).
Then I fucked the whole thing up by giving her my card and returning to my friends. GOD I wish I read some alpha litertaure stuff before this. If I had played that right I could have easily gotten her number. I was also too tipsy and stupid to realize that she was basically inviting me to the club with them, as my friends/de facto wingmen pointed out. Yes… I am retarded. But that ends now. I am learning the alpha way and reaching my full potential while I'm still semi-young. Gotta get over this fear of rejection/humiliation if I ever want to be truly happy.
As for "Jessica" I'm still conflicted about how to handle it. I have a lot of anger right now, and I feel like it would make me feel better to break up with her as a friend (at least for a little bit); really show her that she's violated my limitations and boundaries as a man. Part of the hope would be that she'd try to see me and I could go alpha on her in person. I feel like she might be less likely to do that if I simply ignore her, because I've already given her so much blue pill. Then she might show up one day to break the news that she's engaged and moving to Hawaii. That will kind of feel like she's winning, when really she should have to lose me, and the comfort I bring her, and know that it's because of her actions.
Breaking up with her would have some shock value and give me a chance to show a tiny hint of alpha. It could instigate her into seeing me under dramatic circumstances, and possibly even work in my favor if I just say fuck it and kiss her. It might be necessary for me to initiate that possible scenario, in case she's already trying to dodge and avoid me because of previous blue pill melt downs. I wouldn't want to miss the chance to go alpha, or at least tell her to get out of my life.
At the same time, I really couldn't have made it this far without Jessica's friendship. She has helped me A LOT in a variety of ways. We've known each other for about 17 years, so it's no little thing to say I never want to see you again. It would be tough for a while. I've allowed myself to become emotionally dependent on her to a degree, and I'm not nearly as close to anyone else out here as I am to her. It will be like a real break up and I'd be grieving hard for a while (ya ya I know that makes me a pussy non-alpha, but this is where I am).
Maybe that's necessary though… There are things I like about option 3, and part of me DOES really want to handle it that way, but I'm afraid that I would just continue getting hurt by her over and over again and I won't be able to get use to things. Then again, maybe I'll feel differently when I've banged some hotties (even if none are as cool as her). Who knows? My feelings are NOT rational. I was proud of myself for not having feelings for her when I first moved out here and not being affected by her. I never imagined I'd end up back here, longing for her like a chumpy fat teenager.
If any experienced beta-turned-alphas out there who have actually read this entire thing and would like to offer some advice as I get started on my journey, I will be most grateful. If you stopped reading after the first dozen paragraphs I understand. There's just a lot of buried shit here that needed to come out. I promise this is not what it looks like when I text women… anymore![[Image: wink.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/wink.gif)
Thanks in advance!
Jessica and I have been friends since we were 14/15; high school in the Midwest. I was kind of a fat/awkward chump. She was the mysterious new girl; incredibly beautiful, highly sought after and DIFFERENT. To this day she's one of the sexiest women I know, but also shockingly funny and down to earth. You just don't find beautiful women as cool or talented as her ANYWHERE, at least in the US…
Somehow when I was this fat awkward teen, she thought I was cute. I was not use to chicks finding interest in me whatsoever. We "dated" for a couple of weeks and it was awkward as fuck - nothing physical other than cuddling and hand holding (yes my game was that low at the time). So that ended promptly, and of course we became "best friends", and bonded for years with each other's families, close friends etc. She's also been one of my most helpful and supportive friends throughout the years.
The college years arrived and she became a flighty world traveler, which made me sad. But then she ended up at my university for one semester. I helped her get situated and we started hanging out immediately.
By this time I had lost about 50 pounds and sorta had my look together, so I did my first alpha move ever and went in for a kiss one night. No, she wasn't the first girl I kissed but I didn't date in high school at all. I didn't want to date the fat or average girls who would go for me, and this has given me a nasty complex. I was a very late bloomer and it fucked me up a bit.
She was completely shocked and even freaked out when I kissed her, yet responsive. We fooled around for a month or two. I finger banged her and sucked her tits a few times, but she didn't let it go any further. Then things became awkward. I was still highly inexperienced and didn't know how to interact with her while this was going on. She decided we should just be friends. I was like (retard voice) "Okay… You're right. the friendship's more important."
Figured I fucked that up forever and tried to forget about it. She moved to a different state and that was that. Then she came to visit one time and we met up in our home town to havw drinks with some mutual friends. It ended up with me driving her and another chick out to a lake, where we drank vodka and went skinny dipping.
I'd like to say that I nailed them both, but that's just not who I was at the time (shame I know - the other girl was cute too). But I did end up making out with Jessica, which totally caught me off guard. I didn't think there was any way she could still be attracted to me after my previous bumbling. We got back to her place eventually and I got cock blocked by her puking friend, which sucked, because I was feeling some really hot energy between us.
The next day she was to fly back to school. I dropped by to see her off, and to my surprise she was acting totally normal towards me. Like nothing happened… It felt pretty cold and I wasn't sure how to process it, due to my lack of experience.
We kept chatting on the phone every couple of months (yes, I ooze with beta, and it gets much worse), and she always spoke to me with warm, flirty affection. So when Valentine's Day rolled around I presented the idea of flying out to visit her. She agreed and seemed excited.
I was walking on clouds everyday leading up to my departure, telling myself that I've just always been special to her for some reason. Then I arrived and this is where things become too pathetic to even imagine. She tells me nonchalantly as we're leaving the airport that she's started seeing one of her ex's again just in the last week… WTF… I was baffled, but I just thought "okay, play it cool and see what happens."
Long story short; we partied and she rejected me. She allowed a guy who obviously liked her to FLY out to visit her for a plutonic Valentine's Date (her dude wasn't around for some reason) just to shoot me down and make me feel like shit. No, she didn't want me to pay for dinner because she isn't a cunt (I did anyway). But what the fuck was she thinking letting me come out??
IT GETS WORSE. Did I say that already? She said she wouldn't feel right about letting anything happen with us. But still totally acted like she wanted to, sitting on my lap, and even cuddling with me at night. Yeah, that's right. We slept together without fucking. I win the beta bitch award for life. But that's not the end of it. We're just getting warmed up.
I'll tell you, there's nothing like being rejected by someone, and then being stuck with them for a couple days, hoping that things might turn around (and being unable to turn them around yourself from lack of alpha-ness.) Except maybe doing it twice… That's right. Instead of telling her to fuck off forever like I should have, I went back to visit her again months later as she was breaking up with her dude.
I know, it's crazy stupid, but my fucked up beta brain told me that she had to have feelings for me if we cuddled like that. She just didn't want to cross the line, (ultra retard voice), "but now that she's definitely single…" Ugh, I know, I know… So I went out there again, we partied, flirted, I hung out with her grandparents who happened to live out there (her family loves me of course), but the same thing happened. This time she didn't want to ruin the friendship. She just knew if she let anything happen it would come back to haunt us (lol).
I never should have talked to her again after our first incident, but my beta-ness was just strong enough to let me accept this as okay. I was use to heartbreak, humiliation and punishment. After a while you tell yourself that you deserve the treatment.
Jessica and I stayed in touch over the years that followed, occasionally calling and writing. I was still in the midwest and she ended up in LA. She went in and out of one engagement as I continued to struggle with women. I nailed a few solid 9s and even a couple 10s, but my beta bullshit always got in the way and fucked it up pretty fast, if not immediately. I dated a couple 8s for a few months and had my first long-term relationship with a 7/8 for 2.5 years.
Jessica had started pushing me to move to LA. It had always been the plan, since i was pursuing a career in film, and she told me I could crash with her until I got set up. At this point I honestly believed I was completely over her. In fact I was interested in meeting and dating her hot friends. Yes, I was still in my 1 long-term experiment, but I never intended for that one to be permanent. I wanted to establish my career in the entertainment industry, and then date hotter chicks that are 5-10 years younger than me (was approaching 30) and make up for lost time…
So I moved to LA about 4 years ago and Jessica helped me get set up, just as she promised. We had a blast hanging out together. We did a lot of relationship talk which I know is wrong now, but she got a kick out of my bumbling stories. She loves my self deprecation, but I make it funny rather than pathetic.
Everything was fine for a long time. I hit it off with her boyfriend and even became their roommate for a period when they moved in together. We spent a lot of time hiking, and having dinner/movie nights. It was a lot of fun, and I was a different person by now. I had grown out of any childish infatuations, or so I thought…
I had broken up with my long term GF 6 months after moving, but I didn't date. I was too focused, first on survival, and then getting my career going. That's a long process, and it's really hard to game when you already suck at it and you're struggling to get on your feet and find stability. Unfortunately it was just too fun, easy and economical to avoid going out, and hang with my great roommates all the time instead. They were always down to chill with me.
My mistake was not having any boundaries during this period. Jessica has NO sense of boundaries. She thinks all guys are her brother. And since her BF was a total party pooper and socially lazy, she would ALWAYS tag along with me, whatever I was doing, or drag me along with her. We became closer, and closer, and I just sat there absorbing her energy for hours and days at a time.
I never lied to myself that I didn't think she was still smoking hot, but I thought, this is LA…. There are thousands of smoking hot little sluts that I need to try and nail. In fact I was, and still am semi-obsessed with the idea of learning/mastering game, especially now that I am established and doing fairly well out here (and I have a lot of work to do in this area).
How could I possibly want someone my own age, who has badly dicked me around emotionally for starters, but has also given me a life long friendship that I really value? There's no reason or incentive for me to have feelings for her. I don't want to marry until I'm around 40 (if at all), and I'd want my bride to be a younger hottie. Why would I try to sabotage myself when this is what I've been secretly after for years.
Despite all of my hard logic and resistance, I became increasingly affected by her presence, and upset over the fact that we're both getting older and I'll never know if we could have had something more. We just connected too hard on so many levels that my body, heart and mind couldn't accept what we were anymore. I'm a guy for Christ sake.
Eventually I moved out and got my own place. Jessica and her boyfriend of around 5 years weren't living together anymore, and I knew long before that they weren't going to last. What then, I thought… If she's single and I have to watch her start dating new people it's going to fuck with me badly, because we still hangout all the time. When she started actually talking to me about wanting to be single and see other guys she'd dated previously, I knew a line needed to be drawn right away.
I decided I needed to tell her how I felt. Unfortunately I laid everything out, which I now understand is totally counter-productive. Perhaps I should have just made a move, but she was still technically with her BF who had been really nice to me and helped me find a car etc. I wouldn't have felt right about disrespecting him that way.
Either way, I told her that I liked our friendship and the last thing I wanted to do was fuck it up, but I'd fallen in love with her. I explained that even though love and marriage are the last things that I want in my life right now, I somehow still would want to marry her in a second and was terrified about the idea of not being with her, or never knowing what we could have had if we were more than friends.
Of course she said she loved me dearly as a friend, and I went on to explain how our friendship was now effecting me. Friends and family had become highly confused about us, and I was constantly being asked about her and reminded that I'm not the one she's into. I told her it was wearing on me and I didn't know how we'd be able to stay friends. She cried a bit, saying I was all she had (not begging me not to leave her or anything, but sad). I told her that was bullshit, but she said she didn't like everyone else as much as me. Awww. Pfffff
Anyway, we hugged it out and decided not to make any final conclusions that night because it was completely out of left field for her, and I didn't expect her to know how to react. I distanced myself for a little while, although there were a couple emails back and fourth about this revelation, where i said way too much again about my feelings and how she affected me. Her reactions were warm and sympathetic, but she was uncertain about what to do.
Somehow the issue became buried over the following months and I started hanging out with her again. Her temporary longterm BF missed hanging out with me and wanted to do some traditional nights of grilling out on the patio and then watching movies. I figured there was little reason to create drama between the three amigos and agreed. We had so much fun together, and it was easy for me to ignore my feelings while she was still with him.
After all, I had bonded with the two of them as roommates long before I was aware of any feelings I had for Jessica. So I didn't feel jealous per say when it came to him. Everything felt normal and I was able to fool myself into forgetting about my baggage and just have fun with them.
Of course that could only last for so long. I became anxious again. Things started to bother me like before and then drive me crazy. Then she hit me with something new just a few months ago. She revealed that she had broken up with her BF about 3 months prior, but they were still seeing each other, and holding off on telling people because it would be confusing. She said she was telling me first because I'm her BFF (give me a fucking break).
She followed that with the news that I wouldn't see her for about a month and a half because she was flying to Jersey one weekend, then Hawaii the next, and then I was going to be out of town. It totally put me back in my dark place of misery and depression (imagining all the new alpha dick that would be coming her way). I got to enjoy this while visiting home for the holidays. Good times… She had also started talking about wanting to move away again, and that brought yet another level of anxiety.
I saw her a couple of times just before this last Valentine's Day, just the two of us having dinner and watching a flick. I was thinking I might say fuck it and just make a move. Or maybe let her use me for another friend-Vday and then go totally alpha on her and just see what happens. I was starting to feel like there was nothing to lose.
But she popped my bubble immediately with more great news; she was flying to see her high school sweetheart over Vday. My heart sank. I should have kicked the table over and forcefully kissed her. Then walk out on her forever if she doesn't let me ravish her right then and there. But no… I swallowed hard, tried to eat some of our dinner, sat through a whole movie and went home like a bitch.
I later wrote her another email with too many of my feelings shamelessly on display; but my basic message was that I'm running low on energy with our friendship; that I don't want to be anywhere near her when she starts seeing new people, and that when I start dating, I'm going to stay as far away from her as possible because she'll always be a distraction. I told her was also really stressed over the fact that she wants to move again, and I'm a mess over all of this again.
She seemed to feel really bad again about what she was putting me through, but again didn't know what to say. She said I should realize that this cruel joke life was playing is actually on her (which is very true since she's in her 30s - but I swear you would think she's a hot 26, thanks to all her good habits and intelligence). She said she has the same argument with herself (why don't I want this?) because I'm right that we would make sense together in a lot of ways. She didn't say much else other than she needs time to reflect before saying more.
Soon after this she was texting me again like everything was just fine; "my brother's getting married! isn't that amazing??!!? "Hey! What are you doing today? Wanted to drag you to a potluck w me
". I was trying again to adopt a much shorter and colder tone with her, but then I had a crazy project come up and had to put this whole issue with her on the back burner for several weeks. Then she came out on my birthday and we had some good laughs. Now I'm trying to be less responsive to her again, but it probably hasn't even been long enough for her to notice. I'm starting to sense that she is trying to be more cautious with me as well, not contacting me to hang out as much as she was. Hard to tell for sure at this point…
So… Here I am today. I recently began studying the Alpha theory and I'm completely inspired and committed to taking action, and transforming myself into an alpha with full integrity, confidence and control. After all, I'm a 33 year-old professional in the entertainment industry. I have my own pad, wheels, I just got a promotion at work (editor), and I'm about to sign my first feature film deal. Things are moving at an excellent pace, all things considered, and my value could go way up between now and 40 if things continue to go well.
I'm an intellectual activist, artist, martial artist (black belts in TKD), I speak two languages, great at making people laugh, and as of now I'm making it a point to read, meditate and exercise daily. I'm also lucky enough to have some conventional good looks to help me along the way; tall, broad shoulders, square jaw, dark hair, dark eyes, big smile.
My biggest physical setback is that I have just a tiny bit of the "skinny-fat" problem going on (from losing all that weight at age 20), but I'm combatting that hard nowadays with strict Paleo nutrition and hypertrophy muscle building exercises. This will be key to improving my game because nothing has fucked it up more than my self-consciousness. Despite having slept with some girls who had excellent bodies and wanted to keep fucking me (although I do have a bit of a "oneitis" problem too), I'm tremendously insecure about my body to this day and it is by far my biggest hang up.
Getting into great shape and building muscle has been severely challenging for me, and I don't think I knew the proper methods until recently when I began studying fitness more carefully. I think I finally have a good routine and diet to get into great shape. I just have to get my sleep under control. That's been the biggest challenge. If I don't get enough repair time, it's impossible for me to build muscle and my schedule is crazy. When I have to change it, everything gets thrown off, so I'm trying out different strategies to get my 6-7 hrs of sleep to 8-9/night on a regular basis.
So I think that I have the right tools, desires and the mindset to take the alpha journey now, and since I've started reading about it (and learning to meditate), I've been looking at this Jessica problem differently; the bitch fucking sabotaged me (her supposed "BFF") by keeping her break up from me. I feel like she tricked me into being friend-zoned. One of the reasons I poured my heart out to her was so that I could distance myself when she decided to see someone new, who isn't me, and avoid getting hurt more.
Instead of being sensitive to that, she put it on the back burner and just hoped it would blow over before slapping me with - "btw I've been single for months and I'm going traveling now, and seeing my ex over Vday, and hey, you should date my friend who's a 7."
FUCK YOU BITCH! I'm am so fucking done taking this girl's abuse. That's how I'm feeling right now. Part of me wants to harshly kick her out of my life, and another part of me would like to take one last shot at fucking her, out of spite if nothing else. Realistically I see 3 different ways I could handle this:
1) I send her an email saying that I'll always care about her, but our friendship is toxic in ways that can't be overcome, so I can't have her in my life anymore. Simple and straight forward. No more calls, texts, Facebook. Nothing… Without making it sound dramatic… It's not like she wouldn't know what it's about. If she asks to talk about it, I'll say she knows where to find me if she wants to talk in person like an adult, but I'm done with phone and email. If she comes over I make my move. If she rejects me, I reject her and tell her to get out of my apartment, then my life.
I feel like it's also likely she might say she understands and respect my wishes. In which case I might lose my last chance to go alpha on her in person, and just accept never seeing her again (maybe for the best).
2) I subtly give her the cold shoulder until she wants to make plans. Then when I get her alone, I make my move. If she rejects me, then I reject her like in option 1. I could tell her that I understand, but I can't have her in my life anymore, because it fucks with my head and I have too much dignity to accept what we are and let her friend zone me. If I'm not the guy for her, she'll just have to accept not having me there at all to fulfill her male sensitivity needs (makes sense that she has a lot of guy friends. Her dad basically abandon her. I'm more of a favorite crutch than a BFF).
3) I suck it up and create some distance, without ending the friendship all together. I know that sounds Beta, but it would force me to be strong and accept that she's not the most special thing in the world, and place less value on her (get to a place of zen with it - if I'm capable). I also might be able to let her watch me go through my radical self improvement/transformation process, and maybe even watch me pick up some hot younger chicks. The best revenge is to live well, right?
In fact, something kind of amazing happened at my bday. I struck up a conversation with a HOT 24-year-old Australian girl at the bar, right in front of Jessica. It was kind of beautiful. The Aussie was dressed up on her way to the clubs in Hollywood, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I bought her a shot, and a grey-goose martini. We talked for maybe 20 minutes and had a lot of common interests. It was a natural, fun conversation (Australian girls rock).
Then I fucked the whole thing up by giving her my card and returning to my friends. GOD I wish I read some alpha litertaure stuff before this. If I had played that right I could have easily gotten her number. I was also too tipsy and stupid to realize that she was basically inviting me to the club with them, as my friends/de facto wingmen pointed out. Yes… I am retarded. But that ends now. I am learning the alpha way and reaching my full potential while I'm still semi-young. Gotta get over this fear of rejection/humiliation if I ever want to be truly happy.
As for "Jessica" I'm still conflicted about how to handle it. I have a lot of anger right now, and I feel like it would make me feel better to break up with her as a friend (at least for a little bit); really show her that she's violated my limitations and boundaries as a man. Part of the hope would be that she'd try to see me and I could go alpha on her in person. I feel like she might be less likely to do that if I simply ignore her, because I've already given her so much blue pill. Then she might show up one day to break the news that she's engaged and moving to Hawaii. That will kind of feel like she's winning, when really she should have to lose me, and the comfort I bring her, and know that it's because of her actions.
Breaking up with her would have some shock value and give me a chance to show a tiny hint of alpha. It could instigate her into seeing me under dramatic circumstances, and possibly even work in my favor if I just say fuck it and kiss her. It might be necessary for me to initiate that possible scenario, in case she's already trying to dodge and avoid me because of previous blue pill melt downs. I wouldn't want to miss the chance to go alpha, or at least tell her to get out of my life.
At the same time, I really couldn't have made it this far without Jessica's friendship. She has helped me A LOT in a variety of ways. We've known each other for about 17 years, so it's no little thing to say I never want to see you again. It would be tough for a while. I've allowed myself to become emotionally dependent on her to a degree, and I'm not nearly as close to anyone else out here as I am to her. It will be like a real break up and I'd be grieving hard for a while (ya ya I know that makes me a pussy non-alpha, but this is where I am).
Maybe that's necessary though… There are things I like about option 3, and part of me DOES really want to handle it that way, but I'm afraid that I would just continue getting hurt by her over and over again and I won't be able to get use to things. Then again, maybe I'll feel differently when I've banged some hotties (even if none are as cool as her). Who knows? My feelings are NOT rational. I was proud of myself for not having feelings for her when I first moved out here and not being affected by her. I never imagined I'd end up back here, longing for her like a chumpy fat teenager.
If any experienced beta-turned-alphas out there who have actually read this entire thing and would like to offer some advice as I get started on my journey, I will be most grateful. If you stopped reading after the first dozen paragraphs I understand. There's just a lot of buried shit here that needed to come out. I promise this is not what it looks like when I text women… anymore
Thanks in advance!
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