Quote: (09-03-2014 08:27 PM)Dusty Wrote:
Quote:Quote:
AM: What happened the night of the assault? And what has it been like to come to terms with it?
ES: My attacker was one of my closest friends at the time, and we’d had consensual sex twice in the past. There was a party and we left together. I invited him to my room because we’d had sex before, and we were having consensual vaginal intercourse. Soon though, he hit me across the face and started choking me and pinned my arms behind my head and pushed my legs up against my chest. He began to anally penetrate me. It was really painful and I was saying no, I was telling him to stop but he didn’t. Then finally he did, he got off and laid down next to me for a second. I was just frozen solid. I was petrified. And then he ran out.
I spent months in denial. I wasn’t really ready to believe that I’d been raped because realizing that you’ve been raped is realizing that people can take control of you and objectify you. In that moment, I wasn’t a human to him. I was just a thing. And that’s pretty fucking scary. Once I finally did admit to myself that it had happened, I was really unhappy. And I think a lot of what I’ve been dealing with since then is trying to find ways to believe that I am human.
AM: How has it affected your outlook on sexuality?
ES: I identify as a straight woman. I have an amazing boyfriend who has been so essential in my recovery. But even now, there are some things that I have to set limits for. Like even if his hand is near my throat, I will freak out, even though I know he’s not going to hurt me. So I have to set boundaries. There are certain areas of my body that I don’t think will ever be able to be touched ever again.
AM: While they’re expected to comply with Title IX, colleges have the discretion to develop their own procedures for investigating sexual assault cases. What was it like dealing with the Columbia administration after you decided to report the rape?
ES: It was incredibly frustrating. I was interviewed by the Title IX investigator, and she took incomplete and inaccurate notes, where she excluded extremely important details and made mistakes about others. Then I went before a panel of administrators who were supposed to be trained on the issue, but they were not. One lady was asking me, “How is it possible that anal rape could happen if you didn’t have lubrication?” And I said, “Well, there was force involved and that’s the definition of rape.” But she didn’t seem to understand. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it.
I wasn’t really ready to believe that I’d been raped [us either!]
http://indypendent.org/2014/06/12/‘there...e-turn-to’
"And then he ran out."
This is the key sentence. If he'd have stayed with her the night, she probably would have put it down to bad communication. But since he left, she felt abandoned and it became "rape."
I had a similar thing occur once with rough sex. Thankfully, she didn't cry rape. But instead she called me "abusive" and cut me off for years. The "abuse" she spoke of was about things she had specifically asked for. But there was no reasoning with her about it -- in fact, the more I said "That's what you'd said you wanted," the more she screamed.
When we finally met up again years later, she insinuated the reason she freaked out is she woke up alone and got paranoid about what happened.
The moral is that if you're gonna push a woman's limits, don't exit stage left the minute after it's over. This won't be a guarantee she won't freak out later, but will lower the chances of it.
What you're doing by staying is re-contextualizing whatever happened. It's the same thing, of course, but not in her mind. If this sounds insane, try to remember that 100 years ago men never expected women to be rational -- that's modern day stupidity. (And no, this doesn't excuse what this girl is doing, it's just advice to young guys on how to avoid humiliation and/or expensive legal trouble.)