Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
I don't get angry at every flake, they are a very common occurrence indeed. But there was actual investment here. I was outside doing stuff and she asked to see me on that day. I interrupted what I was doing (I was riding my bike). My battery was dying and I told her that when I go home I'll text her. She told me to text her soon so that she can plan her evening. I went home, we agreed on the place, I took a shower, got ready and then she says "oh, I'm going to chill for a bit, I need to rest, will hit you up later". And then she flakes, an hour later. What a bitch!
That's a great example. You know that every example is going to play out differently, and you would have to probably write a lot more in order for RVF guys to really have a decent grasp of your relationship with the girl and the full context; however, we do not always need to know every little detail in order to make an assessment - yet every guy's assessment is going to be a little bit different.
I understand that you were in the middle of doing something else already, and you kind of changed your plans for the chick. Then after you already took a number of steps in changing your plans and even going into the direction that you were going to meet the girl, that is when she actually flaked on you.
This particular situation that you describe actually sounds as if the chick was being an opportunist. Remember what she says and what she does can be two different things, but it sounds as if she may have been a bit desparate to do things and she had a few options. You were not her best option, but you were one of the options, but after she had already agreed to go with you, a better opportunity came up.
You do not need to get her to respond or to explain, just next her... you don't need to be used as a second choice option and her behavior more or less seems to show that is what happened.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
As you can see, there was investment. I challenge you to not have a feeling of anger if that happens to you . A girl flaking on you a few hours before you're supposed to go out - yeah, who cares, you do something else that evening. But this was shit.
Again, I agree with you that there are varying levels of investment, and sure there are reasons to get pissed off - but still the relief should be that you are not going to let this particular chick put you in that position again... so that is why you next her... cut off communications because you are already wise enough to know that she knows what she was doing and that she had an obligation to follow through to meet you once she knows that you had gone through that level of changing your plans and preparations.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
And anyways, I didn't lash back, as I was planning to go out with her some other time, but then she ghosted and I was like "fuck it, I usually don't do that, let's see what happens".
I doubt that there is any absolute rule about whether you should lash out or not, and it depends on circumstances..
For example, what if she calls you up right as you were walking out of the door and you already were heading to the meet location and she says: "Hey GreenHills, this is chick. I know that we were going to meet at X, but I've just decided that I was going to chill out a bit for the rest of the night. I just don't have enough energy to meet you as we agreed."
Then you say: "What the fuck. You know that I was already in the middle of something else, and I went home to get ready for this and after we agreed, I changed my plans and got ready!!!!!!!! You fucking self-centered opportunist."
Yeah, nothing wrong with lashing out, when you got her on the phone, but yeah, we know that almost no one calls these days, so instead she sent you some lame text that asserted something similar with less opportunities for you to be orally spontaneous, but you can still improvise depending on the context, and you are pretty much telling her that you do not appreciate what she does while at the same time letting her know that you are not going to put up with her shit.. you do not necessarily need to tell her that you are nexting her, but she should get the message that the burden is on her to jump through a few hoops before you are going to change any plans for her.. so she has to make the efforts and on your schedule because you already gave her a chance and she fucked up. Some things do not need to be said in order to be understood that it is now her turn to make up for her playing around if she wants to have a relationship with you.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
She might have thought "he's a weirdo", she might have thought "I'm such a pathetic bitch". How would I know!? I don't consider myself a weirdo, I don't feel like this is weird.
I'm not sure if it matters very much about what she thinks about you, but just that you are not going to take shit from her.. and if she subsequently makes up to you in some kind of way, then yeah, you may give her some other chances with you.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
I don't know. Personally, I don't consider dates with girls I haven't met to be actual dates until they happen. They're tentative plans, best efforts. But the above situation was different.
I agree. There is a difference between tentative, and actually agreeing that it is going to happen.
Sometimes, we may say to a chick, oh we should go get coffee sometime, and she says, yeah, but you do not work out the specifics. Or maybe you say, how about next thursday after work.. blah blah blah.. and she says, yeah, that sounds pretty good.. let's confirm on Thursday morning.. If you do not confirm on Thursday morning, then the plan remained tentative because you did not solidify it.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
But anyways, let's be constructive here. How would you have responded to her? I responded with "ok" on that evening. What is it that I should have said?
You have to respond with whatever you believe is within your ability to follow up. If you just say o.k., then you have to question whether you are ever going to set up any kind of agreement with her again. You can get pissed or not, it is certainly optional and maybe it depends upon if you are going to set up anything with her again. I personally would not set up anything again with a chick that has done that level of backing out with me, unless she does some kind of major making up for what she had done.
Quote: (07-27-2016 12:31 AM)GreenHills Wrote:
How can I cause her to have to make it up to me?
You cannot really cause her to do anything, except to make it a condition for you agreeing to make another agreement with her. If you don't set the boundary, then she is just going to do the same thing again, and if she is not going to voluntarily do something for you, then you just say that you are not going to agree to anything with her and you just go on with your own life in other circles.
On the other hand, if she seems motivated to make it up to you, then she may try a few things or even propose a few things to make up to you. If she is not in that mind-set to make things up to you, you cannot put her in that mindset except for making concrete efforts to next her.