This all went down about 30 minutes ago.

We were in my room, and she saw my condom box (big mistake since we aren't using condoms anymore) and checked inside, and saw that there weren't the same amount as when she last looked. She asked me if I was using them and I truthfully said, until last December yes. We've been seeing each other since September and never had an exclusivity talk. I started seeing the other girl in October.

Then she asked me who the other girl was, and I told her you don't know her, but her name is ____, and I broke it off with her because I wanted to be exclusive with you.

Long story short, she got pissed and left. Now I don't know how to handle it. I'm not the crying/bawling type, but I don't know how much emotion to show. I do want to keep seeing her, and I in fact was planning to drop the other one for her so we could be exclusive, but now I don't know whether she even wants me back or if the relationship would have started on a bad note with my "cheating".

I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "yes of course and I don't know how you can do something like this, but I can't." One other thing she said was that I should have told her, that having unprotected sex with her wasn't safe if I was also with another woman, even if I was using condoms with the other one.

Fuck. I don't know why I didn't just lie, because I was super careful to keep both of them from knowing the existence of each other but figured that now I wasn't seeing the other one anymore, I could tell her the truth. Now I know I guess. What should be my next steps? Silence for a day or two? We were talking about going out to a sushi place a few days from now, should I make reservations and tell her to meet me there to talk?

Sorry to hear about this.

The only thing I can suggest is not meeting her at a sushi place in public to discuss something of this nature.

You may think it will keep her from flipping out, but if she flips out on you in public that would be an annoyance to say the least.

No judgement on this next question, just curious. Do you feel bad for getting caught or do you really feel bad for losing a girl you like?

Good luck!

It is what it is. It'll never be the same if you get back with her - she'll have a shitton of ammunition to use against you when you get into fights.

You could've told her but didn't, you could've lied but didn't.

You can keep the silence, the hit her up, DON'T do dinner/sushi. But I honestly think the damage is done, if you can still smash her great, but what you did to her will ALWAYS be in the back of her head !

This is "Game 101" stuff--every player deals with it eventually, and it's ritualized behavior by the disgruntled female. She had no reason to presume you were exclusive to her. She'll be back.

Hunt for new trim.

Despite the fact she said she'd never do the same thing more than likely she has been and is playing you like a fiddle.

When/if she comes back make sure it's on your terms. If she doesn't like it she knows where the door is.
It is times like these when you need to have a rock solid frame to weather her emotional shit test storm.
Don't argue with her. You've explained yourself once, that is more than enough.

When you do meet up with her again, make plans to link up with another girl shortly after. It'll keep things brief and prevent you from wasting an entire evening talking through some bs that she started...

She's not really the emotional haranguing type, but you are right, I shouldn't meet her in public, I just figured it was neutral ground and she may have been more likely to meet me there. My main concern is that she'll never want to see me again, she could just cut contact like that - she took her sleeping clothes too. That's why my question is about next steps - how should I contact her. Am I way off-base and would a girl actually do that?

I don't know what I was thinking, telling her the truth but part of it was that I wanted to come clean, because I don't want it to be like I cheated because in my mind I didn't. I guess she was thinking we were exclusive though and that's why she got pissed.

I feel bad because I wanted to be exclusive with her, I considered her a quality girl (I was screening for an LTR and the other girl has issues) and wanted to see where it was going with her.

Should my frame be, "I don't know why you are so pissed off, a) we never talked about exclusivity and b) I told you the truth"

A few things I have learned on this board:

1) There is always plenty of vagina
2) Keep your harem full (at least a few on rotation)
3) Avoid oneitis
4) Keep your frame - you are the man here. It is your world and the women are granted the privilege of being around you
5) Women want to challenge men and will not respect you if you bend to their wishes - they don't want to know that they can control you. They want to try to control you, but they don't want to be successful at it. If they are successful, you lose

Based upon my summary above, it seems that you may not be following the rules.

Don't get me wrong, I have broken all those rules myself.

The question you need to ask is why are you so eager to reconcile with her, since you were never exclusive? Is the one, the future Mrs. augen sehen?

I wish you luck, I was not trying to be harsh.

We need more context: Is this girl wife material? Do you want her to be the mother of your children?

Yes actually, that's part of the reason I feel so bad. I'm 31 and would like to start a family soon. She's a young intelligent PhD student.

Quote: (01-08-2014 05:43 PM)Closer68 Wrote:  

We need more context: Is this girl wife material? Do you want her to be the mother of your children?

I disagree--I don't see why further context is necessary. This is a textbook case of oneitis. Particularly if he's daydreaming about putting a ring on it.

Game 101: Don' talk about other women.

This is not about exclusivity. You projected that. This is about her feelings getting hurt. She's feeling like an idiot because she assumed, incorrectly, that she had you to herself. Her bad. Not yours.

Your options are to give her exclusivity now, along with your balls and dignity. Or hold frame, don't contact her until she re-initiates, and at that point, you discuss what each of you wants moving forward, and move on.

Quote: (01-08-2014 05:40 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

A few things I have learned on this board:

1) There is always plenty of vagina
2) Keep your harem full (at least a few on rotation)
3) Avoid oneitis
4) Keep your frame - you are the man here. It is your world and the women are granted the privilege of being around you
5) Women want to challenge men and will not respect you if you bend to their wishes - they don't want to know that they can control you. They want to try to control you, but they don't want to be successful at it. If they are successful, you lose

You are totally true in all respects here, man. Like I explained above, I do want to get married and have children (for better or for worse), and being frank here, part of the reason may be that I'm the LTR type - I want to focus on my career and have a wife by my side, because I know the good times aren't going to roll forever and I hate sluts and emotionally imbalanced women.

I don't know how it's going to go with her, I'm guessing terribly but I'll update here if anything transpires. The cynical side of me thinks that since women love drama she'll come back, but there's also a part of me which thinks that she'll just cut contact forever.

Quote: (01-08-2014 05:48 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

Yes actually, that's part of the reason I feel so bad. I'm 31 and would like to start a family soon. She's a young intelligent PhD student.

In that case, I recommend telling her you did it because you were afraid of getting hurt, she wasn't giving you enough attention, etc. Convey emotional vulnerability and do not make this about sex. The little hamster thinks men are the same as women so this is the time to play that angle up.

Quote: (01-08-2014 05:52 PM)Col. Tigh Wrote:  

I don't see why further context is necessary. This is a textbook case of oneitis. Particularly if he's daydreaming about putting a ring on it.

Dude - with all due respect, that "oneitis" stuff is played out. I guess it's cool when you're so young that you can't even think about settling down but that doesn't apply here. The man is 31 and wants to start a family.. it's not oneitis, it's MARRIAGE. Marriage is a good thing because it allows you to participate in society, raise children who aren't bastards, have backup pussy for life and, most importantly, it doesn't mean you have to stop banging other chicks.

Quote: (01-08-2014 05:52 PM)Courage Reborn Wrote:  

Your options are to give her exclusivity now, along with your balls and dignity. Or hold frame, don't contact her until she re-initiates, and at that point, you discuss what each of you wants moving forward, and move on.

Balls and dignity? Dude the guy is 31 he's not looking to be running night game forever.

GODDAMN... I can't believe men who are allegedly among the "Alpha/I am the prize" ranks are still living the pseudo-monogamy, afraid-of-a-bitch-getting-upset-and-leaving-me lifestyle. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Letting ANY chick believe, for one second, that she's the only one... that you ARE NOT fucking one or more other woman/women... that is the PRIMARY problem.
If she ain't with that shit, invoke the 4-billion-other-bitches-on-the-planet rule and send her off to fuck a lesser man who fears her departure.
Fuck that lying-to-chicks bullshit. You keep rewarding chicks for unacceptable behavior (like not accepting the fact that you're too much of a man for one bitch) by giving them your time & attention, and all you'll get is the same unacceptable behavior from these chicks.
VIVA LA UNAPOLOGETIC POLYGYNY!!!

The best thing you can do when a girl gets mad and picks a fight with you (whether she has justification for doing so or not) is to get mad right back and turn it around on her. Blame the situation on her. Tell he she is a terrible person and you can't believe she's trying to pull this shit. Honestly, what you're saying doesn't even have to make logical sense. You just need to be mad and blame her. She is not going to respond to logic anyway, only emotion. After yelling at her and blaming her, kick her out. Note: you have to seem very angry, like bordering on violent, for this to work.

This is basically a hack that overloads her emotional brain. Doing this, you can often get women to overlook the cause of the fight and have them only remember the trauma of your response and the feeling of blame you put on her. This can lead to the seemingly absurd situation of the girl apologizing to YOU after she caught you cheating/lying or whatever. She will also be less likely to start fights with you in the future and will overlook your bad behavior.

Yes, this tactic is a little evil, but it's highly effective. It works because when a woman confronts you with something like that, she is looking for drama and is expecting you to back down. When you don't respond according to her expectations, and actually flip the script on her, her emotional brain gets confused. She was expecting you to start groveling, yet suddenly she's the one on the defensive. It's a massively alpha posture you're assuming, and when combined with your anger and emotional attacks on her it will usually overwhelm most girls.

I will be honest, though, this will not always work. Some girls might never speak to you again after you do this. But others will send you texts apologizing for questioning you and promising not to start fights again.

Wen interessierts

Quote: (01-08-2014 06:01 PM)Closer68 Wrote:  

In that case, I recommend telling her you did it because you were afraid of getting hurt, she wasn't giving you enough attention, etc. Convey emotional vulnerability and do not make this about sex. The little hamster thinks men are the same as women so this is the time to play that angle up.

Thanks, my view was similar. There was a point where I did get pissed at her when she invited another dude one time when we were out with friends, and I can link this back to that. I'll say that I was hurt and didn't know how much exclusivity she wanted when she brought that other dude.

Mon - I understand how well that unapologetic polygamy stuff works but I'm not alpha enough to pull that off, and it's heavily dependent on execution.

scorpion, thanks. I have pulled something like that in the past when I was mad at her for real, but I didn't have the foresight to do that today. I'm going to have that be my frame (without the white-hot anger) when we meet next time, if she agrees to meet and then I'll explain my expectations going forward and why i wasn't exclusive with her until now.

There's a decent chance she'll be back on her own. In general women are much less bothered by infidelity than men are. I agree that the vulnerable approach is probably the right tact to take for now. If she comes back and then throws it in your face 6 months from now then you should be more combative and put a stop to discussing it.

Counting condoms though? That might be a red flag.

Quote: (01-08-2014 04:28 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

This all went down about 30 minutes ago.

We were in my room, and she saw my condom box (big mistake since we aren't using condoms anymore) and checked inside, and saw that there weren't the same amount as when she last looked. She asked me if I was using them and I truthfully said, until last December yes. We've been seeing each other since September and never had an exclusivity talk. I started seeing the other girl in October.

Then she asked me who the other girl was, and I told her you don't know her, but her name is ____, and I broke it off with her because I wanted to be exclusive with you.

Long story short, she got pissed and left. Now I don't know how to handle it. I'm not the crying/bawling type, but I don't know how much emotion to show. I do want to keep seeing her, and I in fact was planning to drop the other one for her so we could be exclusive, but now I don't know whether she even wants me back or if the relationship would have started on a bad note with my "cheating".

I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "yes of course and I don't know how you can do something like this, but I can't." One other thing she said was that I should have told her, that having unprotected sex with her wasn't safe if I was also with another woman, even if I was using condoms with the other one.

Fuck. I don't know why I didn't just lie, because I was super careful to keep both of them from knowing the existence of each other but figured that now I wasn't seeing the other one anymore, I could tell her the truth. Now I know I guess. What should be my next steps? Silence for a day or two? We were talking about going out to a sushi place a few days from now, should I make reservations and tell her to meet me there to talk?

First off, get a grip. This isn't a bad situation. You're making it one. Poverty and cancer are bad. Screwing two women is good.

Second, women prefer men who cheat, on some level. It shows those men have options. The other option is you're clingy loser who other women don't want. She now knows women want you -- not just her. She might be angry in the micro, but in the macro she's impressed. Here is a classic Roissy post about it.

Finally, here is some perspective from someone older. When I was in high school and college I was shy and sweet with some girls and a cheating SOB with others, some of whom I outright used. Decades later when Facebook came around, ALL the women I was a cad with sought me out...while the women I was shy with wouldn't even respond to my friend requests. This happened enough to make me think it's not coincidence. Women like cads.

In concept. What they don't like is the messy reality. Which you just brought to her. My advice is to wait a bit, then make inroads into apologizing if you're that into her. Give her time to cool off first and miss you second. A week? Two weeks? If you wait too long, it'll seem like you don't care, so maybe a week is best.

For what it's worth, I've never been rebuffed after I offered to change my cheating ways. Regarding the "unprotected sex," you'd better come up with something good like "I used condoms with other woman because I only trusted you." Good luck.

Thanks, Days of Broken Arrows. Is two days too early to reach out? I was thinking of calling her on Friday since today is Wednesday. We're together for 4-6 days of the week, most weeks (less when I was seeing the other girls more seriously but that was a few weeks ago).

EDIT: I might as well come out with it here, it's not the first time I've seen two women (or more than two) at the same time, and I was actually doing some pretty heavy soul-searching on that wrt the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" ... anyway, this time I really don't feel like I was cheating since I thought it was clear that we were not exclusive.

Don't chase her. It's like saying she's right. If you never had the "exclusive" talk then she's in the wrong. Let her come to you. If she doesn't then ohh well. Next.

Just like everybody else is saying, it's not THAT big of a deal.

Move on and if she comes back, you'll be set. If not, move on.

Dude take a breath for a minute.

1. You're getting bent out of shape over ONE woman right now, meaning you're already too wrapped up in her and afraid of losing her.

2. Your Frame is out of whack. She is setting the frame. You don't need to make excuses for your behavior. You bang other chicks. She can deal with it or bounce. Lay down the damn law. This bitch is running you, instead of the other way around.

3. Do NOT chase her. You probably will anyway, but do NOT chase. IF she is really into you she will come back.

I'm on my mobile so not going to write anymore, but heed the advice of veterans or get burned in the long run.

The rest is up to you.

Quote: (01-08-2014 04:28 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

checked inside, and saw that there weren't the same amount as when she last looked.

Here's where you went wrong. Shoulda ragged on her for being creepy and possessive.