Hoping to share some laughs because a bit of humour never hurts, and there isn't much like the feeling of laughing with everything you have.

Anything goes. Dirty, nasty, classy, one-liners, knock-knock, racist/stereotypes, and so on. Give us everything you got.

I'll start with one in my bag of jokes in the spirit of the forum:

Quote:Quote:

When I was 16, I remember the first time I went to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could tell that I was a complete beginner. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don’t have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so pleasurable, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and arrived within a couple of minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.

Did you hear the joke about the guy who didn't search?

Just teasing.

thread-17014.html
thread-32002-page-5.html

I asked this girl the other day if she had some nuts hanging up on the wall what would she have?

She said some wall nuts

I asked her what if you had some nuts on your chest?

She said of course that would be chest nuts

I asked what if you had some nuts under your chin?

She said chin nuts

I said hell naw bitch you'd have a dick in your mouth

RIP Rudy Ray Moore

From @TooMessedUp:

I bought this vegan girl flowers for our first date.
Her: "That's so sweet!"
Me: "I just didn't know what you vegans ate!"

Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to somebody you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucka!"
-------------------------------------
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close.
-------------------------------------
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
-------------------------------------
I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience
-------------------------------------
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.”


I love Mitch Hedberg haha I could go all day..

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?


Because he ate his pizza before it was cool.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all pregnant and go to the doctor together.

Doctor says "I can tell from the position that the baby was conceived what sex it will be. How were they conceived?"

The brunette says "I was on top"

"Aha," says the doctor, "It'll be a boy then"

The redhead says "He was on top of me"

"Oh" says the doctor, "It'll be a girl then"

The blonde starts crying. "Whatever's wrong with you?" asks the doctor

The blonde replies, sniffling: "Does this mean that I'm going to have puppies?"

How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?



Wipe your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

^^^^ ahahaha man, that's messed up.

From bash.org:

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, cause they're both stuck up cunts.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?


I'll see you next month

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Quote: (02-26-2016 09:18 PM)Fitzgerald Wrote:  

How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?



Wipe your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

That's probably the worst thing I've ever read.

What does a woman who just got out of a battered womens shelter do?



The fucking dishes if she knows whats good for her

My doctor asked me for a urine sample, a stool sample, a blood sample and a sperm sample... so I gave him my underwear.

No Backseat Blonde



A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

Quote: (02-27-2016 06:30 AM)Suits Wrote:  

Quote: (02-26-2016 09:18 PM)Fitzgerald Wrote:  

How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?



Wipe your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

That's probably the worst thing I've ever read.

Challenge accepted:

What's the difference between a burger and a dead baby? You don't fuck the burger before you eat it.

Hitler meets Eichmann in heaven. Hitler says "Eichmann! Good to see you. But why didn't you say something, I could have baked you a kike."

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.


Top that, motherfuckers.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

Brother and sister lay in bed
-Your dick is bigger than dad's.
-I know, mom told me.

The difference between a freezer and a fag ?

Freezers don't fart when they pull the meat out.

Quote: (02-27-2016 11:47 AM)Hannibal Wrote:  

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair into the oven.

What do you give your favorite hooker for valentine's day?

A hug

New England's policy for dealing with the poor: winter

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!