[WalterBlack]

I met a friend for lunch today in a Japanese part of Los Angeles. Two of his friends, a couple of who I had never met before, joined us.

The wife is born and raised in China and she has been in the US for only a year. Her English is pretty bad but she can speak some basic Japanese. Her husband is an American born Chinese.

We went to a Japanese place and she kept on introducing herself to other people in the restaurant. She kept on telling random people they look good and and they have nice pets.

We then went to another place for ice cream. She cornered an Asian American couple and said they looked good together. She said the woman looked beautiful (she wasn't). She then spent a couple of minutes showing them photos of her kid. I was eating dessert outside and she looks at my food, and she said, "Oh that looks, good". She then sticks a clean plastic spoon in my ice cream and starts eating some! Her husband said something her and she stopped. I think I was way too nice to her because she's a FOB and they eat "family" style often. I would have said something if an American woman tried that.

My experience with most Chinese FOB women is unusually very positive because they tend to be on the quieter side. I've never met one as loud as her before.

I would run a mile from a woman like this - apparently she asked her husband to marry her. There wasn't even a formal proposal..it was basically Her:"I think we should get married"... Him: "OK".

She also said I was dressed too conservative, because I wasn't dressed super casual like everyone else. I was wearing a collared shirt. I just said I don't want to dress like the average American slob.

She wasn't even attractive, she looks exactly like Kristina Wong but fatter. I actually thought it was her until I head her speak.



How would you guys deal with a woman like this? Are you in, or do you have male acquaintances in a similar situation? How do they deal with it?

[Speculation]

I'd just be very cool around her and not encourage her behaviour. If she tries culturally inappropriate things that directly affect you (eating your food), just stop her gently with a smile. If she doesn't get the message you escalate your boundaries to be more firm. Other people should step in to support you (once you've taken the first step), especially with cultural norms.

Besides that, I just wouldn't invite her out or spend time with her unless it would be really awkward to not do so. If you see her at a party, just greet her with a smile and then go spend your time around other people. Just minimise time around her and get on with your life.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

I think the issue here is much worse than the fact that she's loud -- as annoying as that can be.

Her behavior makes it seem like she might have a problem with alcohol or bipolar disorder. EVERY female I ever knew like this slotted into one of those categories.

I mean this literally, right down to taking someone else's food without asking first (a major pet peeve of mine), the accosting of strangers, and her offering rude opinions on things no one asked her about.

Dealing with women like this on a regular basis can be as exhausting as watching a small child after a while. Or an untrained pet. I've known similar women and absolutely cannot deal with them, at least not for more than an hour at a time. Other, stronger men, perhaps can put up with this kind of thing.

Anyway, my feeling is that you can't change such a woman (except perhaps with Lithium or Thorazine). Don't bother to try. Avoid whenever possible, because it gets worse when they start to drum up drama between you and your friends or girlfriends.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

Addendum to my above comment: In my experience, women like this are generally crazy in bed. They'll try anything. This might be why your friend is with her.

For some guys, putting up with crazy is worth being able to indulge in anal, threesomes with her friends, and god-knows-what-else. This was fun in my early twenties, but the novelty wore off after one too many 2 a.m. phone calls, unexpected knocks at my door, and messages called in from the state mental institution.

[WalterBlack]

(04-29-2018 05:59 PM)Days of Broken Arrows Wrote:  

I think the issue here is much worse than the fact that she's loud -- as annoying as that can be.

Her behavior makes it seem like she might have a problem with alcohol or bipolar disorder. EVERY female I ever knew like this slotted into one of those categories.

I mean this literally, right down to taking someone else's food without asking first (a major pet peeve of mine), the accosting of strangers, and her offering rude opinions on things no one asked her about.

Dealing with women like this on a regular basis can be as exhausting as watching a small child after a while. Or an untrained pet. I've known similar women and absolutely cannot deal with them, at least not for more than an hour at a time. Other, stronger men, perhaps can put up with this kind of thing.

Anyway, my feeling is that you can't change such a woman (except perhaps with Lithium or Thorazine). Don't bother to try. Avoid whenever possible, because it gets worse when they start to drum up drama between you and your friends or girlfriends.

She had zero alcohol! I think her husband was telling her to calm down in Chinese but he seemed like a total pussy and it looked like she was running wearing the trousers in their relationship.

[Jetset]

(04-29-2018 05:59 PM)Days of Broken Arrows Wrote:  

I mean this literally, right down to taking someone else's food without asking first (a major pet peeve of mine), the accosting of strangers, and her offering rude opinions on things no one asked her about.

She could also simply be autistic.

It looks very different in women, and if nobody's made a habit of harshly checking her behavior, she might do a bunch of really oddball low-boundaries things routinely without noticing that anybody thinks she's off-center.

I know a woman like this who is married to an attorney friend. All of her voicemails and texts are incredibly lengthy. She once blurted out about "that time [my husband] moved in with his mother" and it became apparent he had tried to eject early on and ended up taking her back. She'll routinely mention things her husband has told her that she should do, unaware of how strange it is that she actually has to be instructed. "Well, [my husband] says that it's impolite to ask people about..."

Agree entirely with the advice to set boundaries, indirectly once and directly the second time. Many people like this really do get the message if you just abandon diplomacy and spell out "I need you to stop doing that".

[polar]

Ball gags.

[Not a Second Hander]

Was her heart in the right place?

Some people from outside America or Canada want to fit in badly sometimes and end up trying to be too social which doesn't mesh well with their own upbringing. Want to act like bubbly Jessica from OC but end up coming off like a 15 year old suburban white kid with a dorag and oversized white T.

Ignore.

[spokepoker]

This sounds like a Sean Connery thread.

[rpg]

(04-29-2018 06:52 PM)spokepoker Wrote:  

This sounds like a Sean Connery thread.

And then you get a protective order against you, a day in jail, kicked out of your place, misdemeanor charge, lawyer fees, anger management classes.
Fuck this country. It was over when we can no longer put a woman back in line. Now she has to commit a crime and go to a mental hospital to calm down.

[Kona]

(04-29-2018 05:42 PM)WalterBlack Wrote:  

She kept on telling random people they look good and and they have nice pets.

She was hungry for dogs but you took her for sushi.

Aloha!

[PapayaTapper]

Easy...ignore her and

Be grateful that when someone asks "Who bitch this is?" you dont have to answer with "mine".

[ivansirko]

Either ignore her or use this as a reasonable response.

[Tiger Man]

Yes she could be autistic or BPD. And, it would be harder to do an armchair diagnosis with the language or cultural difference.

Or, she could just have crap social skills. Maybe she just can't read people, at all. Some girls are like that.

Maybe she was extremely nervous about going out with you guys and she way overplayed it.

But, there is a fairly obvious explanation that you mentioned in your original post. She is Chinese (FOB according to you). Now, Suits is probably the expert on this one, so I will tread carefully. I have spent a fair amount of time living in Hong Kong. The Canto division has a fairly well earned chip on their shoulder regarding a lot of mainlanders. Some (note the word, some) mainlanders have shit social skills. It isn't a race thing, it's a cultural thing. They were brought up to think social niceties were the paragon of the bourgeoisie. So, they argue in public, spit on the street, and piss off strangers. I experienced a bit of this myself. It may, literally, just be a clash of cultures.

What to do? Ignore it. Who cares, honestly? Unless you want to "save" your friend's friend from this woman, just walk. I would sit the immediate situation out until I couldn't take it anymore, then I would politely excuse myself and leave.

[Syberpunk]

When you talk to her nosy self next time, the conversation should go something like this:

[Suits]

There's a movie script somewhere in this story.

[Aurini]

Most people think my dog is autistic, but actually she's just smart, and testing people to figure out how she can manipulate them.

She'll spend twenty minutes observing you the first time you come over, and violating your personal space - possibly growling and barking at you - just to figure out your triggers and boundaries.

If she can get a treat out of you by that point, good. If she can't, she'll slink off to the bedroom to sleep. Maybe this woman was doing the same thing, only with cock.

[TravelerKai]

Quote:

The wife is born and raised in China and she has been in the US for only a year. Her English is pretty bad but she can speak some basic Japanese. Her husband is an American born Chinese.

Congratulations! You have just met a REAL Chinese woman! Not from Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou. Real China!

There are many of them like this. Loud talking as if talking is one volume setting. They honestly do not believe that whispering exists. If they talk about someone they are certain to do it loudly enough to be heard too. To them the only rudeness that exists are probably murder and failure to give someone a hongbao for the proper occasion. Verbal rudeness? Doesn't exist to a countryside Chinese person. In their minds, you are lucky they dissed you while not having a mouth full of durian. Count your blessings bro.

America is lucky it does not have a border with China. Trump would be writing DACA to benefit only Latinos and no Chinese people. You guys really haven't seen shit. They are not the engineers and science egg heads with manners you see in America. They are loud, extroverted, and do insane shit. One dude was singing and dancing out loud like Michael Jackson in a KFC bathroom. Dude was obvious gay and may have been homeless, but I was not sure. His type almost never makes it to America, except for WalterBlack's female attacker that dissed him. She got through the strainer somehow.

I usually do not slam Chinese people much and I like China alot, more than Suits or others do, but there is no denying that the ones from the countryside are beyond annoying at times and some are just down right barbaric. Yes, you heard that right. Barbaric.

[WalterBlack]

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

Quote:

The wife is born and raised in China and she has been in the US for only a year. Her English is pretty bad but she can speak some basic Japanese. Her husband is an American born Chinese.

Congratulations! You have just met a REAL Chinese woman! Not from Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou. Real China!

There are many of them like this. Loud talking as if talking is one volume setting. They honestly do not believe that whispering exists. If they talk about someone they are certain to do it loudly enough to be heard too. To them the only rudeness that exists are probably murder and failure to give someone a hongbao for the proper occasion. Verbal rudeness? Doesn't exist to a countryside Chinese person. In their minds, you are lucky they dissed you while not having a mouth full of durian. Count your blessings bro.

America is lucky it does not have a border with China. Trump would be writing DACA to benefit only Latinos and no Chinese people. You guys really haven't seen shit. They are not the engineers and science egg heads with manners you see in America. They are loud, extroverted, and do insane shit. One dude was singing and dancing out loud like Michael Jackson in a KFC bathroom. Dude was obvious gay and may have been homeless, but I was not sure. His type almost never makes it to America, except for WalterBlack's female attacker that dissed him. She got through the strainer somehow.

I usually do not slam Chinese people much and I like China alot, more than Suits or others do, but there is no denying that the ones from the countryside are beyond annoying at times and some are just down right barbaric. Yes, you heard that right. Barbaric.

She said she was from a small town near Beijing. She had really gross eating habits, her mouth was open the whole time she was eating. I just had to look away. She also acted like a fucking pig..as soon as we walked out of the Japanese place she said she was still hungry so we we went for ice cream. After she at that she was still hungry and we ended up going to a Taiwanese place. She bailed because they were out of fried chicken. It was really close to my parking spot so I just said I need to go and drove off. I've never seen a Chinese FOB try to eat as much as her.

My experience with Chinese FOBs is mainly educated ones from big cities. I don't come across Chinese villagers so it came as a bit of shock to me.

I think bad eating habits is common across most Chinese, even with the educated ones. I've worked with FOB women who would have a just spit stuff out into a paper towel right in front of me when they were eating. They didn't even try to hide it.

I'm not hating on Chinese women, most of my experiences with them have been positive. Ironically the husband was telling me that Chinese standards of beauty are different to American standards - but his wife was not attractive and she loud and tactless. I kept on thinking to myself, what the fuck is wrong with the guy who married her?! Why her?!

Totally agree with the volume comment...

[Suits]

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

I usually do not slam Chinese people much and I like China alot, more than Suits or others do...

That's because you haven't lived here for seven years.

Or alternative, maybe you don't like it as much as you think you do, because otherwise, you would have set up permanent shop here years ago.

I don't think I would have lasted seven years here (with plans to continue living here into the next decade) if I didn't like China a lot.

I wouldn't stay here if I didn't like it, there's nothing like being able to walk down the street in broad daylight with an clearly visible alcoholic beverage and not get hassled by the cops. Plus, the ability to have healthy relationships with intelligent women means that I'm a lot less angry here than I was when I live in the US/Canada.

To be clear, this isn't intended to be argumentative, but rather to propose the notion that my forum writings about the Chinese region may be combination of 20% self-therapy, 50% desire to give others an informed understanding of what they are getting themselves into if they come here and 30% misunderstood comedy.

(04-30-2018 02:37 AM)WalterBlack Wrote:  

She said she was from a small town near Beijing. She had really gross eating habits, her mouth was open the whole time she was eating. I just had to look away. She also acted like a fucking pig..as soon as we walked out of the Japanese place she said she was still hungry so we we went for ice cream. After that she was still hungry and we ended up going to a Taiwanese place. She bailed because they were out of fried chicken.

Yes, Chinese people, rich or poor, absolutely live for food. Everyone, all over the world loves to eat, but the Chinese have this smile that suggests complete happiness that they are only capable of forming when eating something delicious. And then they pay the bill and go drive the wrong way down 3 different street, blow 4 red lights and come within inches of clipping 32 pedestrians.

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

It was really close to my parking spot so I just said I need to go and drove off. I've never seen a Chinese FOB try to eat as much as her.

My experience with Chinese FOBs is mainly educated ones from big cities. I don't come across Chinese villagers so it came as a bit of shock to me.

I think bad eating habits is common across most Chinese, even with the educated ones. I've worked with FOB women who would have a just spit stuff out into a paper towel right in front of me when they were eating. They didn't even try to hide it.

I spit things on the floor now.

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

I'm not hating on Chinese women, most of my experiences with them have been positive. Ironically the husband was telling me that Chinese standards of beauty are different to American standards - but his wife was not attractive and she loud and tactless. I kept on thinking to myself, what the fuck is wrong with the guy who married her?! Why her?!

Great questions.

[TravelerKai]

(04-30-2018 02:52 AM)Suits Wrote:  

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

I usually do not slam Chinese people much and I like China alot, more than Suits or others do...

That's because you haven't lived here for seven years.

Or alternative, maybe you don't like it as much as you think you do, because otherwise, you would have set up permanent shop here years ago.

I don't think I would have lasted seven years here (with plans to continue living here into the next decade) if I didn't like China a lot.

I wouldn't stay here if I didn't like it, there's nothing like being able to walk down the street in broad daylight with an clearly visible alcoholic beverage and not get hassled by the cops. Plus, the ability to have healthy relationships with intelligent women means that I'm a lot less angry here than I was when I live in the US/Canada.

To be clear, this isn't intended to be argumentative, but rather to propose the notion that my forum writings about the Chinese region may be combination of 20% self-therapy, 50% desire to give others an informed understanding of what they are getting themselves into if they come here and 30% misunderstood comedy.

I like China enough to know when too much is too much. China before 2010-2013? You would have to be insane to live there nonstop year on end. I know guys that lived in China in the 90s, they did not pull 7 year in a row stints like you did. They think 1 year stretches are good enough for anybody. I remember expats that taught English from years ago saying that no sane man spends more than a couple years there. I guess you found out the hard way. China nowadays is nice enough to live in long stretches. You got Didi car service, food delivery everywhere, high speed train everywhere, tons of flights in and out, subways in all the T1 and T2 cities, really good restaurants around, tons of cool shit to do! So convenient! I even have my own apartment in China even though I still split my time. I might stick with China long term but that remains to be decided upon. Its amazing how much the country has changed in such a short period of time. Historians are going to have a field day someday in the future when writing about it.

Sounds like you are enjoying yourself well enough. Hopefully it continues to get better as the years roll by.

Hopefully Walter can avoid sha bi FOBs in the future too, lol.

*note to Walter, do not call her sha bi unless you want to get swung on.

[Suits]

(04-30-2018 05:38 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

(04-30-2018 02:52 AM)Suits Wrote:  

(04-30-2018 01:11 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

I usually do not slam Chinese people much and I like China alot, more than Suits or others do...

That's because you haven't lived here for seven years.

I like China enough to know when too much is too much.

China before 2010-2013? You would have to be insane to live there nonstop year on end. I know guys that lived in China in the 90s, they did not pull 7 year in a row stints like you did.

That's the key. If you enjoy spending time here, the trick is to get long, regular breaks. Currently, I'm working towards doing work that allows me to leave China whenever I want for as long as I want, but I'm not crazy enough to think I want to leave and never come back.

China has this ability to pull you back in even after you've left swearing that you'll never return.

As for me, the last time and only time I left promising that I wouldn't be back was in 2012 and that was after a particularly rough set of experience. I took a break for 2.5 years and then decided that my prospects were better in China than anywhere elsewhere.

I actually have not come anywhere close to doing the whole seven years in you shot. I came first for a 3 month semester, which was followed the following year by a 5 month semester. I then took a two year break to continue my studies in the USA (even though I would have preferred to be in China, but I needed to make headway on my degree).

Then I did two one year stints with a semester back in the US sandwiched in between them. That was in Tianjin and that's the city that made me never want to come back to China.

I returned after finished my degree in 2014 and have been back ever since. I still like Beijing quite a bit, but the thing that I recognize is that China doesn't always bring the best out of people and that it burns a hole in your soul to spend all of your days around people who have the type of values you see on display in China.

At present my plan is to establish a system where I can spend about half my year in China and half elsewhere, not because I need to be in China, but because I want to be.

(04-30-2018 05:38 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

They think 1 year stretches are good enough for anybody. I remember expats that taught English from years ago saying that no sane man spends more than a couple years there. I guess you found out the hard way.

One year isn't that bad. It's when you get past 2 years that I think people feel they have had enough. However, for me, the last 4 years hasn't been bad at all. The biggest problem I've had is not the negatives of living in China, but rather being in a line of work where I can't have the weekly schedule that allows me to have the lifestyle I want and that the constant increases in Beijing housing costs means that my lifestyle isn't improving, even as I begin to earn a lot more.

These issues have less to do with China or more to do with my own life choices (living in Beijing for one, doing the work I do for another). I could live anywhere else in China if I chose and do other work if I wished. That's why I'm doubling down on a plan to change the type of work I do so that I can have the lifestyle I desire. The plan is in motion and going well.

(04-30-2018 05:38 AM)TravelerKai Wrote:  

China nowadays is nice enough to live in long stretches. You got Didi car service, food delivery everywhere, high speed train everywhere, tons of flights in and out, subways in all the T1 and T2 cities, really good restaurants around, tons of cool shit to do!

The restaurant scene in Beijing is truly amazing, not just for the Chinese cuisines, but for food from all over the world. It's one of the reasons I love this city. Even Shenzhen doesn't even come close (although Shanghai is comparable or better). There's a decent underground music scene in Beijing that I began to explore just last summer and there's a thriving art scene too.

The subway system is a wonder to behold (although it lacks creativity and doesn't solve the problem that Beijing is so damn big, that it still takes forever to get anywhere, even with subway lines that go literally everywhere). High speed trains have really changed the game for sure and the variety and affordability of the flights in and out and around the country is impressive.

Your biggest problem in a city like this is being too busy to properly enjoy it.

I don't take advantage of app-based car services or food delivery, however. One of my rules for healthy China survival is to cook most of my meals at home and to achieve personal independence by riding anywhere I need to go on my own. I take taxis occasionally, but even that's pretty rare outside of the winter months.

[C-Note]

(04-29-2018 05:42 PM)WalterBlack Wrote:  

I met a friend for lunch today in a Japanese part of Los Angeles.

As an aside, which Japanese part of LA? Little Japan up by downtown or the Japanese cultural center at the intersection of Torrance, Carson, and Gardena?

[WalterBlack]

(04-30-2018 11:43 AM)C-Note Wrote:  

(04-29-2018 05:42 PM)WalterBlack Wrote:  

I met a friend for lunch today in a Japanese part of Los Angeles.

As an aside, which Japanese part of LA? Little Japan up by downtown or the Japanese cultural center at the intersection of Torrance, Carson, and Gardena?

Neither. Sawtelle.

[Simeon_Strangelight]

Sounds like a hillbilly Chinese woman. She and plenty of other dog-eating cat-in-chains-holding folk are the reason why the Japanese still have occasionally some cartoons about the primitive Chinese.

Will change over time - though whether the change will affect her is another matter. I doubt that there is a way to "deal with her". She is likely the equivalent version of the rural backwards Indian woman.