Life Changing Decision: Considering Living With A Sick/Injured Parent
01-29-2018, 04:50 PM
Been a while since I've posted any updates on this. Thank you to the members that sent PMs giving advice and ideas.
Carla and I have an appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks with an Elder Law attorney (Carla's work schedule is rather strict, so the logistics for physically sitting down with the attorney are tough).
That said, Carla and I have had a couple of 'good' (?) blowouts over the last month. My job was pretty flexible, and I haven't been working over the last month and a half.
- At one point when Carla was leaving mom's house (and my kids and I were spending the night), I'd asked Carla roughly what time she'd be back the next day. She stated that she would have to spend time with Eddie, to which I calmly replied, "Not for anything, but it feels like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting here."
Carla turns around, and (in front of my kids) walks up to me, and (dripping with sarcasm) says..
Carla: "Well, Sam, some of us have to work. Some of us have jobs."
Sam: "Yeah... and ?"
Carla: "Well, you can be here a lot more than I can, can't you ?"
Sam: "Yeah.. and I'd also like to spend some time with my kids, at my house."
Carla: "I need to spend time with Eddie and then I can-"
Sam: "Why don't you bring your kid over here ?"
Carla: "EXCUSE ME ?"
Sam: "Yeah, your kid.. the one that hasn't shown up since Thanksgiving."
Carla: "Fuck you Sam. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU !!"
And storms out, slamming the door.
The next morning about 8:30, I get an out of the blue text from one of my mother's cousins ("Mildred"). Mildred is going to stop by today with her daughter and granddaughter. Around noon, if that's ok (which it is, I don't know when Carla is coming back today).
Ten minutes later, Carla texts me that she'll be there around 11:45.
11:45 comes around, and Carla texts that she's running a little late. Two minutes later, Mildred texts me that they're running behind a bit, they'll be closer to 12:15.
Guess who pulls in the driveway at the same time ? I'd be hard pressed to think that it was a coincidence.
They all come in the door, I give Carla a cold briefing about Eunice's activities and meds, give Mildred and her daughter kisses hello and goodbye (in the same breath), and my kids and I start heading out. Mildred asks, "Aren't you guys going to stay ?", and I reply, "Not today, we've got some stuff to do.. shoot me a call later." No call came.
The next day, my southern cousin calls me from South Carolina, asking me if I'd been on Facebook this morning. I hadn't, and she tells me that Carla posted on Facebook (in the private "Eunice Updates" group) that someone is needed to watch Eunice during the day..
(Carla knows I'm there during the week, during the day. Why would she post on FB asking for someone to watch Eunice during the day ?)
I chime in on Facebook something along the lines that "I don't see why we're looking for someone to watch mom, I'll be there tomorrow as usual" (hinting to anyone reading that I am and have been there during the day, regardless of how Carla wants to portray things).
I show up the next morning with one of my kids (who doesn't have school that day) in tow. Carla starts bringing me up to speed on mom's meds, and I'm listening but ignoring her. As she's putting her shoes on, she mumbles (loud enough for my kid to hear) that "Sam, you need to stop being a dick", and starts walking towards the front door.
(Normally I would have let it roll off and ignored. But you don't say that kind of shit to me in front of my kids). So I responded.
"And you need to stop being a cunt."
Carla stops in her tracks, makes a dramatic pivot around, and starts walking back to me..
Carla: "Excuse me ?"
Sam: "You heard me. Stop being a cunt."
Carla: "You know, Sam, if you don't want to be here, that's fine. I can find someone to stay here."
Sam: "Who ? Who, Carla ?"
Carla: "I can find someone."
Sam: "Oh really ? Get something straight, right now. I'm here because I want to be, not because I need to be."
Carla: "Yeah, then what's your problem ?"
Sam: "My problem is that you're not pulling your weight. When are you here other than the minimum amount of time you need to be ?"
Carla: "That's not fair, I have to work, and Eddie-"
Sam: "Yeah, Eddie.. where the fuck has he been through all this ?"
Some fuck you's back and forth, Carla stormed out, yelling that she was going to move Eunice to a home. I countered that I would see her in court, and she turned again and tried to poise herself with sarcasm.
Carla: "Well, Sam, I'm sorry you don't have a social life.."
Sam: "S'cuse me ?"
Carla: "Well, just because you don't have-"
Sam: "Riiiiiiiiiiight.."
Carla: "As far as Eddie, his mother went through the same thing, he's having a hard time with all of this-"
Sam: "Geez... I guess it's a good thing you're not the one that had a stroke... where would Eddie hide then ?"
Carla: "Fuck you, Sam, what about when Diane (my ex-wife) stopped by to see mom, and you told her that she couldn't come in ? How about that ?"
Sam: "Oh, you mean the day that (Eunice) had two therapy sessions, her hair was a mess, and she'd just had an accident ??"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "That day ???"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "Well ??????"
Carla: "..."
Sam: "Ya know, for as much as a piece of shit as I consider Diane, if we were still married, she'd have been here a hell of a lot more than Eddie."
Carla: "Ya know, you don't need to be an asshole, Sam."
Sam: "And you don't need to be a cunt, Carla."
Carla: "Fuck you, Sam."
Sam: "No, Carla... fuck you. I know what you were trying to do with that Facebook post."
Carla (sarcastic): "Well, Sam, after you left once Mildred and I got there, I didn't know if you were coming back."
Sam: "Do you honestly think... regardless of our (Carla's and my) bullshit... do you honestly think I wouldn't come over to take care of mom ?"
Carla (more sarcasm): "Gee, Sam, I don't know. I mean, you've got it soooooo tough with your kids and all-"
Sam: "Look, I really don't give a shit if you and I get along ever again. I'll be here to take care of mom, even when you (air quotes) 'have to spend time with Eddie'"
Carla: "Whatever.. I'll try to come up with a schedule that works for both of us."
Sam: "Good. Why don't you do that, and let me know what you can make work."
Carla: "I will. Then you can spend time with your kids."
Sam: "And you can spend time with Eddie."
Carla (with sarcasm): "If he's not sleeping when I get home."
I bit my lip. As much as I wanted to retort that maybe Eddie should come over to Eunice's if he wanted to spend more time with Carla, and as much as she's trying to paint herself out to be the 'good daughter', at the same time I figured that we'd (sort of) made some headway as far as a long term solution, so I let it slide and let Carla go to work.
When Carla came back later in the day to relieve the kids and I, I kept cold. Carla comes in, walks over to me at the counter, looks up at me, hugs me, and starts crying, telling me that she doesn't want to fight anymore.
(In just about any other situation, any non-related chick would have gotten a "go fuck yourself". But at the end of the day, this is my sister).
Since then, things have been... static (?).
That said, the canary in the coal mine was when Carla brought up Diane dropping by. When Diane had stopped by to pick up the kids that day (about a week and a half before Carla and I had that second blowout), Diane had come to the door and asked if she could see Eunice. I'd politely told Diane that Eunice has had a rough day, including an accident that I was in the midst of cleaning up, and the kids would be out shortly. It would seem that Diane called Carla to vent about it.
I've got more incentive than anyone to give Diane shit about it, but that is a luxury right now.
I'm more concerned that Carla didn't mention that conversation until she tried using it in our second argument to try and paint me in a negative light. Making no mention of it until then is somewhat troublesome, in that Carla didn't ask for clarification from me regarding it. Instead, she "saved it for a rainy day".
And to date, Eddie has only seen Eunice twice since her stroke, both on holidays. Carla has been keeping on with the "I have to spend time with Eddie" thing, and basically burning herself out between running home to him and filling in her time with Eunice.
Eunice and I have had conversations in relation to my moving into her home. She (Eunice) is all for it, and would be willing to cover the expenses related to any necessary upgrades to the home to make the basement livable (not that it's not now, but I'm referencing finishing the basement).
For the last month, I've been picking up the slack with Eunice, and taking Sam Time when I have the chance, even going so far as to deceive Carla regarding situations I have to be in attendance for (otherwise Carla will continue to take advantage of my time).
I have a few different scenarios ready to implement, after the sit down with the attorney. Once he lays out the options that Carla and I have regarding Eunice's home and finances (and I have a pretty good idea what those options will be), then I can present Eunice and Carla with my options.
The bubble until then is that any suggestions I make right now won't be received well. I know both Eunice and Carla well enough that I need the attorney to give the options before I "agree" to one (or all) of them (again, depending on how the attorney presents them).
I know my hard line, which is that I will need either POA, or an airtight "deal" on the house that can't be changed once it's signed (unless I decide to change it). That's assuming that Eunice (and Carla) are receptive to any of those solutions.
As it stands now, I believe just Carla and I are meeting with the attorney. It will be interesting to see if Eddie shows up to that meeting as well.
I'll keep you guys posted once we have the sit down with the attorney.
Quote:Darkwing Buck Wrote:
A 5 in your bed is worth more than a 9 in your head.