Hi. Long time lurker here who has benefited from the travel section immensely and have decided to give something back. I have read a hell of a lot of negative reports about London and to be honest I find this perception to be totally understandable. However, London is actually a great city, but it’s in incredibly cliquey and divided city, with specific venues aimed at specific demographics and it can be a nightmare to find out where you should be going. There is something here for everyone, but you need to decide what tribes you want to infiltrate and then focus your attentions purely on those tribes. Once you do this, I can promise you that you will love London.
Below is my horrendously long list of bars and clubs and the scene you will find there. There are of course others, but these are the ones I have personally been to all of the below multiple times over the years and know them quite well. Vaguely grouped by area..
Mayfair
Probably the best area for girls with plenty of high end clubs where blazer and shoes is standard uniform. Ratios are very good here by London standards but you may need guest list for some of these places and entry is usually £20, and drinks will cost at least £10.
LouLou’s at 5 Hertford street - The most exclusive club in London costing several thousand a year by invite only, and counting George Clooney and Brad Pitt among its' members. Famously turned away one direction once for not wearing blazers so it’s a very strict dress code. Sloane rangers, Eton boys, gold diggers and dubious billionaires abound. You will 100% not get in without a member so forget trying to blag your way in. If you get an invitation though do take the opportunity, it is full of hot women and douchey rich guys who can’t dance and you will be partying with the elite. The bar areas upstairs are very chic, in contrast with the basement club area which is quite small and dark as hell and the music is atrocious there but trust me you will feel like you have made it. 10/10
Tramp Another exclusive, top-end members club costing £750 per year located on Jermyn street. Again you will definitely NOT get in without a member accompanying you but it is more clubby and raucous than LouLous. Full of billionaires, arabs, and eastern european models as evidenced by the lambos and bentleys parked outside at the weekend. Rammed on a Saturday night to the point of being uncomfortable, decent on a Friday with live music, and empty every other night. Indoor smoking room. Crazy place you either love or hate. Dress how you want, do what you want here is the philosophy. Closes when the last person leaves. 10/10
Maddox - A london institution. Popular with arab guys, euro trash and russian women. Also a lot of student girls but always dressed up to the nines. Seems to be still going strong which is pretty remarkable really. Has a ‘green room’ where nefarious activities may or may not occur. Never had a bad night here. Dress smart for the Russian girls. 9/10
Mayfair Bar on berkeley street - Plush, but small hotel bar. No guest list just walk in. Guaranteed to see at least one TOWIE cast member on any given night. Lots of essex types here, girls dressed up to the nines. Easy to game here as seen as a major pickup place by the essex lot. Some pros as well mixed in tho so beware. Known as a pickup bar, girls expect to be approached here and the music is not too loud. People dress to impress here but aren’t quite in the big leagues, fake rolexes abound.7/10
Novikov on berkeley street - Hard to get into without a reservation in one of the 2 restaurants (which are totally rubbish by the way, don’t do it) as has surprisingly harsh russian style face control. Has a plush basement bar which is full of plenty of models , high maintenance older women and older douchebag businessman thurs-sat but also an astonishing number of Russian and Brazilian pros so be careful to identify the difference. Picking up here is frankly a breeze tho if you can get in and are dressed like a mafioso. If you work in finance you will definitely end up here at some point. 7/10
Charlies on berkeley street - Used to be called funky buddha, and it’s quite a small basement club playing rap and chart. They have ruined this place by trying to pack in too many tables. Have dozens of promoters working for this place so they are desperate to fill it. Desperate promoters will approach you outside to give you their guest list name so don’t sweat it. Lots of nice girls but loud music and small environment makes gaming a bit tricky. Mid range, not that high end frankly, lots of hot student girls and popular with asians. 7/10
Fifty 9 on Berekely Street - Probably the most trashy club in Berkely Street area, virtually no door policy and no door fee, they let anyone in. Dance floor in the basement, often filled with very drunk after workers on a friday night so worth a look as a backup if you get rejected from Novikov, Charlies et al. The only real dive place in Mayfair, and can be popular with asians. 6/10
Mahiki - a tiki themed dump trying to be high end that generally attracts very drunk, young teenage girls so go here if you are under 25. Your feet will probably stick to the floor and a teenager will puke on you at some point guaranteed. Dress smartly for the door bitch but it's not that hard to get in 5/10.
Sexy Fish on berkeley street - A restaurant with only a very small bar but is very popular with russian and ukrainian girls for some reason, so stick your head in for a look and early drink and see what you can reel in. 7/10
Sketch - Pretentious restaurant plus bar but the eastern european ladies love it so great if you like running game on slavs. Has a small lounge bar, a tiny loud circle bar, and a slightly larger members room with DJ that thinks it is the boiler room. No guest list but face control at the door abounds. The staff here are massive douchebags since they changed them all. High end and massively pretentious artsy / fashionista / russian tourist crowd taking photos of themselves in front of the stupid pod toilets. 6/10
Oxford Circus / Soho
A few high end clubs that are a bit rubbish but do have hot girls in attendance combined with some pretentious bars that are quite good but polluted by the trash venues surrounding leicester square that should be avoided at all costs. Soho is also generally a massive tourist sausage fest and is also the gay capital of the UK. The red light district is also located here where sex can be purchased in a walk-up for as little as £20 if that’s your thing.
The Box in Soho - Massively overhyped supposed celebrity hangout in the middle of the red light district in soho. Very oddly selective policy of face control so totally random if you will get in or not and no door fee. The bar area is tiny and cramped if you don’t have a table but they have a decent smoking area. Used to feature dubious artsy sex and freak shows on stage where one could expect to get sprayed in piss or observe a dude sucking himself off. Worth a look just for the novelty factor but this place is now over run with boring city douchebags and has frankly had its day from when it used to be the pinnacle of cool and no one decent goes there anymore. I believe they no longer even have the freak shows any more and have toned it down. Mixed ages, plenty of older men in suits. 6/10
Tape in Hanover Square - This is another high-end smallish club that used to be called Jalouse and has been taken over by the wannabe grime artist gangster rapper crowd and thinks it’s too cool for school. Must confess I haven’t actually been to this one as it’s not my scene these days but its very popular at the moment hence me mentioning it. Go here if you have head to toe tattoos, high tops, and a penchant for cocaine. It’s pretty trendy and US rap artists always seem to end up there so will be filled with slutty girls who are DTF and plenty of meatheads. It’s been hot for a while now so you may struggle to get in here even though I’ve heard it’s ultimately very average. Don’t go if over thirty or wearing a blazer.
Dstrkt - High end nightclub round the corner from cafe de paris recently got caught out for their racist door policy provoking an internet shit storm. Not that hard to get into tho even without a guest list name. Again the dance floor is ruined by too many tables but is rammed at the weekend with attention seeking women and ironically has always been popular with champagne popping black guys. Has some midweek nights with focus on Russians and models which are much less rammed and probably best midweek club in London. Waste of time at the weekend without a table. 8/10
Libertine on winsley street - Used to be the notorious club china white. Still tries to be a high end club but isn’t that hard to get into anymore as has been eclipsed by Tape which is a similar demographic. Lots of hot young student girls and also a lot of young black guys popping bottles, as it plays a lot of trap and rap. Bit more downmarket than some clubs in its supposed high-end category. Loud and hard to chat up but girls are generally DTF. 8/10
Project - One of the better high end clubs and still going strong. Popular with Italians and Ukranians and plenty of hot women and bottle poppers here. Definitely worth going. Young girls mixed with older men and wannabe rappers generally abound but a mixed clientele, all dressed to impress. 9.5/10
Dirty Martini Hanover Square - Mid to low end cocktail basement cocktail bar with a small dance floor. Unpretentious and fun place for the after work crowd on a Friday. Easy to game here but a bit loud and small. 7/10
Aqua off regent street - Great bar huge complex with roof top terraces perfect for summer. Good sushi and a brilliant warm up place or date venue. Afterwork crowd plus some pre-clubbing eurotrash. Start here. 9/10
Cirque - Off carnaby street. Is a small and rather crappy high end club that was cool for about 5 minutes and attempts to differentiate itself by having circus performers and freaks in house. Has an odd face control door policy that I can't quite fathom and frankly isn't cool anymore. 6/10
Toy Room - A high end, pretentious basement nightclub that keeps reinventing itself but is always good, formerly Movida and then Mason House. Was really good when it was Mason house (even had a secret room with beds in) and seems to have kept the same crowd. Lots of italians frequent this place along with plenty of models and fashionistas. They keep messing wth the layout so could be lame without bottle service but check it out anyway as the women here are always very hot. Across the road from Aqua so start there and try and take girls from Aqua to guarantee entry. People dress very fashionably here. 9.5/10
Cafe de paris in piccadilly circus- Low end nightclub off piccadilly circus for tourists pretending to be a high end club. Looks like a theatre inside. Was OK about 15 years ago but not anymore. Will pretty much let anyone in but have been known to have a mildly racist door policy towards big groups. Popular with drunken groups of girls on hen dos and birthdays so go here for trashy women. 6/10
100 wardour street. Quite a large mid-level venue, used to be called floridita. Has a bar upstairs and a club downstairs with live music. Go on a Saturday when it is 100% essex people as it is promoted by sintillate who are an essex based promoter so check their website and get on the guestlist. Lots of nice girls here and friendly vibe. 8/10
Tiger Tiger on Haymarket - No doubt you will all know of this dump as the spiritual home of the clumsy wannabe PUA. Go in for 5 minutes to witness the lowest of the low mixed in with a few clueless tourists and then leave. 1/10
W bar at W hotel leicester square - Very popular with the essex crowd and tries to be high end, but ultimately is just an atmosphereless and small hotel bar that thinks it’s too cool for school. Good place to pick up early and bounce to another venue but does attract some pros so watch it. Dress smart for entry. 5/10
Zoo bar - The spiritual brother of tiger tiger on piccadilly circus. Oh dear oh dear… tourists and weirdoes only. Usually a major sausage fest. As low as you can go. Maybe ok if you’re 18 and clueless. 1/10
Bar Rumba - Low end student nightclub and used to be the goto place for drum and bass and garage nights. Reasonably sized and full of tourists, worth a look if you want something a bit more real and scruffy. Lots of druggies and thugs, they let anyone in. Dive and sausage alert. 3/10
Camden
Spiritual home of goths, potheads and alternative rock but sadly there are now only a few live music pub venues that are generally awful. Not a lot of hot girls here but you might get lucky with the tourists. However, has had a bit of an injection of energy recently thanks to a few decent clubs and bars which are generally frequented by out of owners, particularly essex and kent transplants. Avoid the usual pubs near the station which are dreadful loser fests. The canal area bordering kentish town is a Somali-run open air drugs supermarket at all times of the day and night.
Proud - Large club located in former stables for the student crowd, has a nice outside terrace. Unpretentious and much younger, great place to pickup if you are under 25 and has some great garage nights if you are into that. Friendly crowd. 7/10
Shaka Zulu - Large nightclub with very cool decor and a lift inside the club. Popular with asians and blacks on Fridays but also essex types, hence the sometimes sketchy atmosphere where generally calm ethnic urbanites meet the rowdy flash essex suburbanites and cultures clash. Recommend tho if you’re not acting like a douche and easy to get into no guest list required. Big groups of drunken girls from essex and kent here on birthday nights means picking up is a breeze. 9/10
Gilgamesh - Very similar to shaka zulu next door (including the same decor) but perhaps slightly higher end and I prefer shaka to be honest. Exactly same crowd but harder door policy for some reason so try and get on the guest list or eat at the restaurant which is actually very nice food. Girls are dressed up here and ready to mingle. Lots of birthday groups again and plenty of Essex girls. 8/10
KOKO - Huge venue formerly known as the camden palace. Not a high end club by any means and they let anyone in, this place does fill up with huge queues on some nights. It is very popular with the under 25s and you can definitely pull here. Unpretentious crowd but can be a sausage fest. The crowd varies dramatically depending on the night as they host many different types of live band and DJ so check their website. 7/10
Grand Union on camden rd - Quite a decent pub that gets pretty busy and is better than your average shit camden pub with a slightly improved clientele. Is a bit of a hike up camden road towards Holloway though. 6/10
Blues Kitchen - Low end pub type venue with live music. Great for gaming clueless tourists, particularly spanish ones for some reason. No face control, just walk right in. Busy at weekends, dress as scruffy as you like. Potential sausage fest. 5/10
Be at one bar camden - typical high street low end cocktail bar chain but does have some decent girls there in the younger, tourist, clueless category. 5/10
Joes Bar - Nearer chalk farm. Unpretentious student vibe open until late and gets pretty busy. Friendly and not bad at all for under 25s. They let anyone in but there is a small charge at weekends after 11 ish. 7/10
Cuban Bar - Has some spanish and south american tourists but also a lot of rough druggie types and is generally a bit of a dump these days. Potential sausage fest. 3/10
Egg - Not technically in camden but a huge dance oriented club with multiple rooms for the under 25s filled with druggies and very few decent women. Is open until 9am or something ridiculous. Sausage fest, expect cokey grief or loved up gurners depending on their drug of choice for the night. 5/10
Shoreditch
Generally a younger scruffier crowd here for hipsters and slightly better informed tourists, but also attracts the essex types who can get here easily via liverpool street station, so there are some slightly more upmarket places to cater for them and it’s a way better area than camden these days. Essex people dress up when they go out so feel free to rock a blazer and shoes at any essex frequented venue, but dress down for the more hipstery / touristy bars on curtain rd.
McQueens - basically a crapy pub with a club in the basement that they’ve fitted out nicely to try and make it high end. Easy to get into, popular with essex crowd but a bit rough and druggy so expect roid heads and aggro. Worth checking out if into drunken, cokey essex girls. 6/10
Blues Kitchen Shoreditch - Busy and unpretentious place with no door policy, better than the one in Camden. Gets crowded at weekend with live music and dancing. Lots of nice student girls who are very up for it and surprisingly good ratios for shoreditch with a few hipsters mixed in but its noisy as hell which can make gaming tricky. Cheap drinks means drunken women in groups. Good mix of ages and tribes 20 - 35. 7/10
Cargo - Largish club, easy to get into but the doormen have to deal with a lot off drugged up arseholes here and act like real nazis so be polite as they are highly strung. Lots of tourists here, big terrace where it is easy to game. Generally lower end, students, essex types, hipsters and unpretentious so a varied mix as it’s open late. Lots of druggies on the dance floor. Good for under 25s. 7/10
The Hoxton on great eastern street - Low end large pub type bar filled with almost 100% essex types particularly busy on Fridays for a warm up. Some real hainault trash hang out here but plenty of drunken Essex girls if you can avoid the lager swilling roid heads. Don’t go if you’re a hipster… 6/10
Hoxton Bar and Grill - Similarly named but totally different bar that has some live music and a club room. More alternative, hipster vibe but ultimately low end and potential sausage fest. 5/10
The Hoxton Pony - A mid level bar slash club on Curtian road, has a dance floor downstairs that is very popular with white girls seeking black guys. It gets very busy at weekends but is actually one of the better venues in Shoreditch in my opinion. Has very hot eastern european girls behind the bar and mixed age groups. 6/10
Night Tales - Only open in summer, this is an open air, popup collection of food stalls and bars with music that they host on a bit of waste ground near old street station. Is actually pretty cool with a festival vibe and popular with hipsters, students and media after workers. 7/10
Browns - A very entertaining and slightly rough strip pub where romanian tits can be viewed on stage every 15 minutes for a £1 contribution to the girls who come round with a contribution mug. Beers at pub prices. No women in here though, obviously, but fun to warm up in. Purchasing a £50 bottle of ‘champagne’ gets you a table in the ‘vip section’, which is the least glamorous vip section in the world ever. 7/10
Aquarium - The goto spot in shoreditch for stag and hen dos. Trashy mainstream club with token plunge pool that is as old as the hills, would avoid unless you specifically want to game huge drunken groups of hens, some of whom will be rather um, ‘mature’. Truly a dive. 5/10
London cocktail club shoreditch - small and mildly pretentious basement bar that tends to be too loud but is still worth a look as it has plenty of drunken women and a table can be reserved for no minimum spend. Over 25s generally. 6/10
Beach blanket babylon shoreditch - nice romantic restaurant but the draw is the small club downstairs which opens later and attracts the high heeled essex girls looking to get chirpsed. A bit more glamorous than your average shoreditch dump and not bad at all if you like essex girls. Mixed ages. 7/10
Barrio East - rammed place that is essentially another shoreditch dump open late and attracting the usual downmarket douchebags and hipsters but tries to be artsy and cool by weirdly mixing crap music - do I really need to hear drake mixed in with some obscure 70s flute solo music to feel hip? No I bloody don’t! Good for under 25s. 6/10
Old Blue Last - A rock pub so go here if you want to meet alternative rock / goth chicks and it gets quite busy but is small and ultimately rubbish. 4/10
Fabric in farringdon - Recently reopened music and drug orientated club with little to no prospect of gaming as the chicks are there for the music. Is however an institution with high quality sound system. Sweaty and loud as you would expect. 6/10
Kensington and Chelsea
This area is a bit dull frankly, with most of the nightlife focused on pubs and bars in the kings road, or near south kensington station. The clientele here in the clubs tends to be pretty young but they are more upmarket youngsters and you do get decent groups of Russian girls and older sloane rangers in the less clubby bars and pubs. You are pretty much guaranteed to meet one of the cast of made in chelsea on any given night along with the deluded teenagers that follow them around.
Boujis - Small high end nightclub with big reputation since prince harry stumbled in here once for five minutes over a decade ago but is essentially dull. Lots of euro trashy women here along with older sloane rangers and hooray henrys. Can be quite good on a Friday but gets old quickly and you may meet snooty women with bitch shield and pros here. Was mysteriously closed last time I wandered past but may have re-opened. 7/10
Jacks - Large bar with restaurant and dance floor. Not high end by any means but has a decent class of clientele due to its location so feel free to dress smartly here. Has quiet sections and loud sections so is great for gaming the posh chicks you will find here. 7/10
Embargoes - Club / bar that is fairly low end but again has a decent clientele due to its location. Lots of young chelsea girls here and students from the better london unis. Feels like a school disco but is pretty good fun if you’re under 25. Girls get wasted here. 6/10
Eclipse - Small bar on a small street called walton street in south kensington with 2 or 3 fairly civilised small bars in a row. Popular with arabs and russians and a few pros. Worth a look before heading on to Boujis. 6/10
Kensington Roof Gardens - Owned by Richard Branson. Absolutely huge complex on several levels with big outside space and tent that is great in summer. Need to go on their website for guestlist at weekends. Mixed clientele and some older folks 30+ but good for gaming as plenty of quieter areas. See some hot thai girls here for some reason 7/10
Bluebird - Big restaurant and bar in Kings road, good for early evening gaming with nice posh chicks in over 25 category. 6/10
Raffles - Small and crappy basement club trying to be high end. Often busy due to its location with sloane rangers, wannabe chelsea-ites, russians and aggressive bouncers but does have some decent girls and mixed ages. Worth a look. 6/10
Tonteria - Pretentious bar on sloane square filled with sloane rangers, chelsea dwelling student girls and hooray henries from Harrow and Eton. Gets pretty busy and you may need a reservation. Plenty of hot women and mixed age groups. Had a train on the ceiling but frankly who gives a shit... 6/10
Buddha Bar - Not strictly in kensington but near knightsbridge. Essentially a horrendously overpriced restaurant but does have an upstairs bar scene on a Friday evening with some hot russian women hanging out at the bar who are up for a chat. 6/10
There you go. Hope you enjoyed.
Below is my horrendously long list of bars and clubs and the scene you will find there. There are of course others, but these are the ones I have personally been to all of the below multiple times over the years and know them quite well. Vaguely grouped by area..
Mayfair
Probably the best area for girls with plenty of high end clubs where blazer and shoes is standard uniform. Ratios are very good here by London standards but you may need guest list for some of these places and entry is usually £20, and drinks will cost at least £10.
LouLou’s at 5 Hertford street - The most exclusive club in London costing several thousand a year by invite only, and counting George Clooney and Brad Pitt among its' members. Famously turned away one direction once for not wearing blazers so it’s a very strict dress code. Sloane rangers, Eton boys, gold diggers and dubious billionaires abound. You will 100% not get in without a member so forget trying to blag your way in. If you get an invitation though do take the opportunity, it is full of hot women and douchey rich guys who can’t dance and you will be partying with the elite. The bar areas upstairs are very chic, in contrast with the basement club area which is quite small and dark as hell and the music is atrocious there but trust me you will feel like you have made it. 10/10
Tramp Another exclusive, top-end members club costing £750 per year located on Jermyn street. Again you will definitely NOT get in without a member accompanying you but it is more clubby and raucous than LouLous. Full of billionaires, arabs, and eastern european models as evidenced by the lambos and bentleys parked outside at the weekend. Rammed on a Saturday night to the point of being uncomfortable, decent on a Friday with live music, and empty every other night. Indoor smoking room. Crazy place you either love or hate. Dress how you want, do what you want here is the philosophy. Closes when the last person leaves. 10/10
Maddox - A london institution. Popular with arab guys, euro trash and russian women. Also a lot of student girls but always dressed up to the nines. Seems to be still going strong which is pretty remarkable really. Has a ‘green room’ where nefarious activities may or may not occur. Never had a bad night here. Dress smart for the Russian girls. 9/10
Mayfair Bar on berkeley street - Plush, but small hotel bar. No guest list just walk in. Guaranteed to see at least one TOWIE cast member on any given night. Lots of essex types here, girls dressed up to the nines. Easy to game here as seen as a major pickup place by the essex lot. Some pros as well mixed in tho so beware. Known as a pickup bar, girls expect to be approached here and the music is not too loud. People dress to impress here but aren’t quite in the big leagues, fake rolexes abound.7/10
Novikov on berkeley street - Hard to get into without a reservation in one of the 2 restaurants (which are totally rubbish by the way, don’t do it) as has surprisingly harsh russian style face control. Has a plush basement bar which is full of plenty of models , high maintenance older women and older douchebag businessman thurs-sat but also an astonishing number of Russian and Brazilian pros so be careful to identify the difference. Picking up here is frankly a breeze tho if you can get in and are dressed like a mafioso. If you work in finance you will definitely end up here at some point. 7/10
Charlies on berkeley street - Used to be called funky buddha, and it’s quite a small basement club playing rap and chart. They have ruined this place by trying to pack in too many tables. Have dozens of promoters working for this place so they are desperate to fill it. Desperate promoters will approach you outside to give you their guest list name so don’t sweat it. Lots of nice girls but loud music and small environment makes gaming a bit tricky. Mid range, not that high end frankly, lots of hot student girls and popular with asians. 7/10
Fifty 9 on Berekely Street - Probably the most trashy club in Berkely Street area, virtually no door policy and no door fee, they let anyone in. Dance floor in the basement, often filled with very drunk after workers on a friday night so worth a look as a backup if you get rejected from Novikov, Charlies et al. The only real dive place in Mayfair, and can be popular with asians. 6/10
Mahiki - a tiki themed dump trying to be high end that generally attracts very drunk, young teenage girls so go here if you are under 25. Your feet will probably stick to the floor and a teenager will puke on you at some point guaranteed. Dress smartly for the door bitch but it's not that hard to get in 5/10.
Sexy Fish on berkeley street - A restaurant with only a very small bar but is very popular with russian and ukrainian girls for some reason, so stick your head in for a look and early drink and see what you can reel in. 7/10
Sketch - Pretentious restaurant plus bar but the eastern european ladies love it so great if you like running game on slavs. Has a small lounge bar, a tiny loud circle bar, and a slightly larger members room with DJ that thinks it is the boiler room. No guest list but face control at the door abounds. The staff here are massive douchebags since they changed them all. High end and massively pretentious artsy / fashionista / russian tourist crowd taking photos of themselves in front of the stupid pod toilets. 6/10
Oxford Circus / Soho
A few high end clubs that are a bit rubbish but do have hot girls in attendance combined with some pretentious bars that are quite good but polluted by the trash venues surrounding leicester square that should be avoided at all costs. Soho is also generally a massive tourist sausage fest and is also the gay capital of the UK. The red light district is also located here where sex can be purchased in a walk-up for as little as £20 if that’s your thing.
The Box in Soho - Massively overhyped supposed celebrity hangout in the middle of the red light district in soho. Very oddly selective policy of face control so totally random if you will get in or not and no door fee. The bar area is tiny and cramped if you don’t have a table but they have a decent smoking area. Used to feature dubious artsy sex and freak shows on stage where one could expect to get sprayed in piss or observe a dude sucking himself off. Worth a look just for the novelty factor but this place is now over run with boring city douchebags and has frankly had its day from when it used to be the pinnacle of cool and no one decent goes there anymore. I believe they no longer even have the freak shows any more and have toned it down. Mixed ages, plenty of older men in suits. 6/10
Tape in Hanover Square - This is another high-end smallish club that used to be called Jalouse and has been taken over by the wannabe grime artist gangster rapper crowd and thinks it’s too cool for school. Must confess I haven’t actually been to this one as it’s not my scene these days but its very popular at the moment hence me mentioning it. Go here if you have head to toe tattoos, high tops, and a penchant for cocaine. It’s pretty trendy and US rap artists always seem to end up there so will be filled with slutty girls who are DTF and plenty of meatheads. It’s been hot for a while now so you may struggle to get in here even though I’ve heard it’s ultimately very average. Don’t go if over thirty or wearing a blazer.
Dstrkt - High end nightclub round the corner from cafe de paris recently got caught out for their racist door policy provoking an internet shit storm. Not that hard to get into tho even without a guest list name. Again the dance floor is ruined by too many tables but is rammed at the weekend with attention seeking women and ironically has always been popular with champagne popping black guys. Has some midweek nights with focus on Russians and models which are much less rammed and probably best midweek club in London. Waste of time at the weekend without a table. 8/10
Libertine on winsley street - Used to be the notorious club china white. Still tries to be a high end club but isn’t that hard to get into anymore as has been eclipsed by Tape which is a similar demographic. Lots of hot young student girls and also a lot of young black guys popping bottles, as it plays a lot of trap and rap. Bit more downmarket than some clubs in its supposed high-end category. Loud and hard to chat up but girls are generally DTF. 8/10
Project - One of the better high end clubs and still going strong. Popular with Italians and Ukranians and plenty of hot women and bottle poppers here. Definitely worth going. Young girls mixed with older men and wannabe rappers generally abound but a mixed clientele, all dressed to impress. 9.5/10
Dirty Martini Hanover Square - Mid to low end cocktail basement cocktail bar with a small dance floor. Unpretentious and fun place for the after work crowd on a Friday. Easy to game here but a bit loud and small. 7/10
Aqua off regent street - Great bar huge complex with roof top terraces perfect for summer. Good sushi and a brilliant warm up place or date venue. Afterwork crowd plus some pre-clubbing eurotrash. Start here. 9/10
Cirque - Off carnaby street. Is a small and rather crappy high end club that was cool for about 5 minutes and attempts to differentiate itself by having circus performers and freaks in house. Has an odd face control door policy that I can't quite fathom and frankly isn't cool anymore. 6/10
Toy Room - A high end, pretentious basement nightclub that keeps reinventing itself but is always good, formerly Movida and then Mason House. Was really good when it was Mason house (even had a secret room with beds in) and seems to have kept the same crowd. Lots of italians frequent this place along with plenty of models and fashionistas. They keep messing wth the layout so could be lame without bottle service but check it out anyway as the women here are always very hot. Across the road from Aqua so start there and try and take girls from Aqua to guarantee entry. People dress very fashionably here. 9.5/10
Cafe de paris in piccadilly circus- Low end nightclub off piccadilly circus for tourists pretending to be a high end club. Looks like a theatre inside. Was OK about 15 years ago but not anymore. Will pretty much let anyone in but have been known to have a mildly racist door policy towards big groups. Popular with drunken groups of girls on hen dos and birthdays so go here for trashy women. 6/10
100 wardour street. Quite a large mid-level venue, used to be called floridita. Has a bar upstairs and a club downstairs with live music. Go on a Saturday when it is 100% essex people as it is promoted by sintillate who are an essex based promoter so check their website and get on the guestlist. Lots of nice girls here and friendly vibe. 8/10
Tiger Tiger on Haymarket - No doubt you will all know of this dump as the spiritual home of the clumsy wannabe PUA. Go in for 5 minutes to witness the lowest of the low mixed in with a few clueless tourists and then leave. 1/10
W bar at W hotel leicester square - Very popular with the essex crowd and tries to be high end, but ultimately is just an atmosphereless and small hotel bar that thinks it’s too cool for school. Good place to pick up early and bounce to another venue but does attract some pros so watch it. Dress smart for entry. 5/10
Zoo bar - The spiritual brother of tiger tiger on piccadilly circus. Oh dear oh dear… tourists and weirdoes only. Usually a major sausage fest. As low as you can go. Maybe ok if you’re 18 and clueless. 1/10
Bar Rumba - Low end student nightclub and used to be the goto place for drum and bass and garage nights. Reasonably sized and full of tourists, worth a look if you want something a bit more real and scruffy. Lots of druggies and thugs, they let anyone in. Dive and sausage alert. 3/10
Camden
Spiritual home of goths, potheads and alternative rock but sadly there are now only a few live music pub venues that are generally awful. Not a lot of hot girls here but you might get lucky with the tourists. However, has had a bit of an injection of energy recently thanks to a few decent clubs and bars which are generally frequented by out of owners, particularly essex and kent transplants. Avoid the usual pubs near the station which are dreadful loser fests. The canal area bordering kentish town is a Somali-run open air drugs supermarket at all times of the day and night.
Proud - Large club located in former stables for the student crowd, has a nice outside terrace. Unpretentious and much younger, great place to pickup if you are under 25 and has some great garage nights if you are into that. Friendly crowd. 7/10
Shaka Zulu - Large nightclub with very cool decor and a lift inside the club. Popular with asians and blacks on Fridays but also essex types, hence the sometimes sketchy atmosphere where generally calm ethnic urbanites meet the rowdy flash essex suburbanites and cultures clash. Recommend tho if you’re not acting like a douche and easy to get into no guest list required. Big groups of drunken girls from essex and kent here on birthday nights means picking up is a breeze. 9/10
Gilgamesh - Very similar to shaka zulu next door (including the same decor) but perhaps slightly higher end and I prefer shaka to be honest. Exactly same crowd but harder door policy for some reason so try and get on the guest list or eat at the restaurant which is actually very nice food. Girls are dressed up here and ready to mingle. Lots of birthday groups again and plenty of Essex girls. 8/10
KOKO - Huge venue formerly known as the camden palace. Not a high end club by any means and they let anyone in, this place does fill up with huge queues on some nights. It is very popular with the under 25s and you can definitely pull here. Unpretentious crowd but can be a sausage fest. The crowd varies dramatically depending on the night as they host many different types of live band and DJ so check their website. 7/10
Grand Union on camden rd - Quite a decent pub that gets pretty busy and is better than your average shit camden pub with a slightly improved clientele. Is a bit of a hike up camden road towards Holloway though. 6/10
Blues Kitchen - Low end pub type venue with live music. Great for gaming clueless tourists, particularly spanish ones for some reason. No face control, just walk right in. Busy at weekends, dress as scruffy as you like. Potential sausage fest. 5/10
Be at one bar camden - typical high street low end cocktail bar chain but does have some decent girls there in the younger, tourist, clueless category. 5/10
Joes Bar - Nearer chalk farm. Unpretentious student vibe open until late and gets pretty busy. Friendly and not bad at all for under 25s. They let anyone in but there is a small charge at weekends after 11 ish. 7/10
Cuban Bar - Has some spanish and south american tourists but also a lot of rough druggie types and is generally a bit of a dump these days. Potential sausage fest. 3/10
Egg - Not technically in camden but a huge dance oriented club with multiple rooms for the under 25s filled with druggies and very few decent women. Is open until 9am or something ridiculous. Sausage fest, expect cokey grief or loved up gurners depending on their drug of choice for the night. 5/10
Shoreditch
Generally a younger scruffier crowd here for hipsters and slightly better informed tourists, but also attracts the essex types who can get here easily via liverpool street station, so there are some slightly more upmarket places to cater for them and it’s a way better area than camden these days. Essex people dress up when they go out so feel free to rock a blazer and shoes at any essex frequented venue, but dress down for the more hipstery / touristy bars on curtain rd.
McQueens - basically a crapy pub with a club in the basement that they’ve fitted out nicely to try and make it high end. Easy to get into, popular with essex crowd but a bit rough and druggy so expect roid heads and aggro. Worth checking out if into drunken, cokey essex girls. 6/10
Blues Kitchen Shoreditch - Busy and unpretentious place with no door policy, better than the one in Camden. Gets crowded at weekend with live music and dancing. Lots of nice student girls who are very up for it and surprisingly good ratios for shoreditch with a few hipsters mixed in but its noisy as hell which can make gaming tricky. Cheap drinks means drunken women in groups. Good mix of ages and tribes 20 - 35. 7/10
Cargo - Largish club, easy to get into but the doormen have to deal with a lot off drugged up arseholes here and act like real nazis so be polite as they are highly strung. Lots of tourists here, big terrace where it is easy to game. Generally lower end, students, essex types, hipsters and unpretentious so a varied mix as it’s open late. Lots of druggies on the dance floor. Good for under 25s. 7/10
The Hoxton on great eastern street - Low end large pub type bar filled with almost 100% essex types particularly busy on Fridays for a warm up. Some real hainault trash hang out here but plenty of drunken Essex girls if you can avoid the lager swilling roid heads. Don’t go if you’re a hipster… 6/10
Hoxton Bar and Grill - Similarly named but totally different bar that has some live music and a club room. More alternative, hipster vibe but ultimately low end and potential sausage fest. 5/10
The Hoxton Pony - A mid level bar slash club on Curtian road, has a dance floor downstairs that is very popular with white girls seeking black guys. It gets very busy at weekends but is actually one of the better venues in Shoreditch in my opinion. Has very hot eastern european girls behind the bar and mixed age groups. 6/10
Night Tales - Only open in summer, this is an open air, popup collection of food stalls and bars with music that they host on a bit of waste ground near old street station. Is actually pretty cool with a festival vibe and popular with hipsters, students and media after workers. 7/10
Browns - A very entertaining and slightly rough strip pub where romanian tits can be viewed on stage every 15 minutes for a £1 contribution to the girls who come round with a contribution mug. Beers at pub prices. No women in here though, obviously, but fun to warm up in. Purchasing a £50 bottle of ‘champagne’ gets you a table in the ‘vip section’, which is the least glamorous vip section in the world ever. 7/10
Aquarium - The goto spot in shoreditch for stag and hen dos. Trashy mainstream club with token plunge pool that is as old as the hills, would avoid unless you specifically want to game huge drunken groups of hens, some of whom will be rather um, ‘mature’. Truly a dive. 5/10
London cocktail club shoreditch - small and mildly pretentious basement bar that tends to be too loud but is still worth a look as it has plenty of drunken women and a table can be reserved for no minimum spend. Over 25s generally. 6/10
Beach blanket babylon shoreditch - nice romantic restaurant but the draw is the small club downstairs which opens later and attracts the high heeled essex girls looking to get chirpsed. A bit more glamorous than your average shoreditch dump and not bad at all if you like essex girls. Mixed ages. 7/10
Barrio East - rammed place that is essentially another shoreditch dump open late and attracting the usual downmarket douchebags and hipsters but tries to be artsy and cool by weirdly mixing crap music - do I really need to hear drake mixed in with some obscure 70s flute solo music to feel hip? No I bloody don’t! Good for under 25s. 6/10
Old Blue Last - A rock pub so go here if you want to meet alternative rock / goth chicks and it gets quite busy but is small and ultimately rubbish. 4/10
Fabric in farringdon - Recently reopened music and drug orientated club with little to no prospect of gaming as the chicks are there for the music. Is however an institution with high quality sound system. Sweaty and loud as you would expect. 6/10
Kensington and Chelsea
This area is a bit dull frankly, with most of the nightlife focused on pubs and bars in the kings road, or near south kensington station. The clientele here in the clubs tends to be pretty young but they are more upmarket youngsters and you do get decent groups of Russian girls and older sloane rangers in the less clubby bars and pubs. You are pretty much guaranteed to meet one of the cast of made in chelsea on any given night along with the deluded teenagers that follow them around.
Boujis - Small high end nightclub with big reputation since prince harry stumbled in here once for five minutes over a decade ago but is essentially dull. Lots of euro trashy women here along with older sloane rangers and hooray henrys. Can be quite good on a Friday but gets old quickly and you may meet snooty women with bitch shield and pros here. Was mysteriously closed last time I wandered past but may have re-opened. 7/10
Jacks - Large bar with restaurant and dance floor. Not high end by any means but has a decent class of clientele due to its location so feel free to dress smartly here. Has quiet sections and loud sections so is great for gaming the posh chicks you will find here. 7/10
Embargoes - Club / bar that is fairly low end but again has a decent clientele due to its location. Lots of young chelsea girls here and students from the better london unis. Feels like a school disco but is pretty good fun if you’re under 25. Girls get wasted here. 6/10
Eclipse - Small bar on a small street called walton street in south kensington with 2 or 3 fairly civilised small bars in a row. Popular with arabs and russians and a few pros. Worth a look before heading on to Boujis. 6/10
Kensington Roof Gardens - Owned by Richard Branson. Absolutely huge complex on several levels with big outside space and tent that is great in summer. Need to go on their website for guestlist at weekends. Mixed clientele and some older folks 30+ but good for gaming as plenty of quieter areas. See some hot thai girls here for some reason 7/10
Bluebird - Big restaurant and bar in Kings road, good for early evening gaming with nice posh chicks in over 25 category. 6/10
Raffles - Small and crappy basement club trying to be high end. Often busy due to its location with sloane rangers, wannabe chelsea-ites, russians and aggressive bouncers but does have some decent girls and mixed ages. Worth a look. 6/10
Tonteria - Pretentious bar on sloane square filled with sloane rangers, chelsea dwelling student girls and hooray henries from Harrow and Eton. Gets pretty busy and you may need a reservation. Plenty of hot women and mixed age groups. Had a train on the ceiling but frankly who gives a shit... 6/10
Buddha Bar - Not strictly in kensington but near knightsbridge. Essentially a horrendously overpriced restaurant but does have an upstairs bar scene on a Friday evening with some hot russian women hanging out at the bar who are up for a chat. 6/10
There you go. Hope you enjoyed.
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