[CleanSlate]

After I posted the reading body language datasheet, one guy suggested I write another post about how to use and control your own body language in game. I did start writing that post soon afterward, but I left it unfinished and forgot about it for more than a year. Then my BL thread got bumped recently, and that reminded me to go back and finish this post.

So here it is...

Over the past year, I met tons of forum members here, many of whom are experienced players getting smokin’ tail night after night. I had the opportunity to observe their body language, not only when they are with girls, but when they are relaxed and socializing with other friends. Then I emulated some of what they did, used what worked, discarded what didn’t, and worked on my posture. Plus, you can learn a lot from watching Donald Trump during his campaign.

This post is organized as follows (broken up into three posts because of the 10 images per post limit):

Part 1. Posture
Part 2. Eyes
Part 3. Hands
Part 4. Lean in or lean back?
Part 5. Frame control starts with self control

PART 1: Posture

First things first. Before you can think about working on your body language, you need to work on your posture.

Just as the number one rule with real estate is location, location, and location… the number one rule with body language is posture, posture, and posture. Think of it as poise. I can never emphasize this enough, so I’ll let Kramer on Seinfeld drive my point through:

Take honest stock of what your posture looks like when you’re relaxed. Look in the mirror. If you tend to slouch, you need to fix that and straighten yourself out. Not only will it save your neck and back, but also help you display healthy and attractive qualities to other women.


Source: Link

Here are some examples of good posture:

Don Draper -- enough said. I mean, look at him...



Commander Riker — big guy standing straight with shoulders back and chin up, towering over his own captain with Troi looking at him...



And of course, Donald Trump -- who doesn’t lean forward on the podium like many politicians do...



To enhance your posture, here’s what you do:

Shoulder and back stretches

Credit to The Lizard of Oz for sending me this particular exercise via PM

Take a stick at least five feet long (a broomstick would do), and use it to do stretches to open up your back as this video shows:

Not only will this strengthen your shoulders, reduce the risk of injuries while lifting heavy, but also make it easier for you to pull your shoulders back for an attractive body language posture.

Hit the gym for core and back exercises

The problem with bad posture is that we have weak core muscles along with weak glutes. When these muscles are too weak to fully support the torso, the onus is on the spine to do bulk of the supporting work. This strains the back and we slouch.

We need to rehab and strengthen these supporting muscles to relieve the spine and improve our posture. The following exercises are good for this:

- Hyperextensions
- Deadlifts
- Squats
- Gluteus medius rehab (thanks again TLOZ)
- Planks (several 1 minute reps per session)

Get a laptop stand or a standing desk for working

We all know that sitting for 8 hours a day, hunched over a desktop computer or laptop is terrible for your back and posture. We should only spend a maximum of 2-3 hours of sitting each day. But to work only 2-3 hours daily isn’t realistic for most of us. So we need a way to preserve our backs while getting shit done.

Luckily, there is a way. Earlier this year, I bought an adjustable laptop stand to bring my laptop to eye level. This is very important! Your computer screen must be at eye level so you don't hunch over. I also got a bluetooth wireless keyboard (a necessity if you use a stand) and a wireless mouse.

In my last job, I got an adjustable standing desk. All you have to do is tell your boss your back hurts a lot and ask for a standing desk. Your boss won’t say no, unless he’s an asshole… in which case, you should probably look for another job.

For a laptop stand, you can get one for roughly $40.

Best laptop stands

Personally, I use this one:


Source: Link

Worth. Every. Penny. I was using mine for a month when people, including my mom, started noticing and complimenting my improved posture. It fucking works.

Practice, practice, and practice

Take 15 minutes a day to practice improved posture until it becomes a habit. Here’s what you do:

1. Sit in a chair, couch, bench -- doesn’t matter what kind of seat
2. Put your hands on your upper thighs and pull your shoulders back
3. Straighten your back (but don’t arch it)
4. Look straight ahead
5. Slightly flex your abs and hold
6. Flex your glutes and hold for as long as you can, working your way up to 1 minute per rep
7. Breathe normally
8. Do 10 reps of this and you’re done for the day

When standing up, stand tall. I don’t care if you’re a 4 foot midget. Short people can still display dominance by standing tall, with shoulders back and chins up. Conversely, tall people can shoot themselves in the foot by slouching and lowering their heads.

If you’re sitting at a table with friends or on a date, it’s fine to put your elbows on the table. But don’t slouch. Sit tall with your back straight, even with your elbows on the table.

Don’t overcompensate

Whatever you do when you’re working on your posture, or when you’re conscious about it, do not arch your back. Just keep it straight.

When you arch your back, you’re overextending your spine, putting even more strain on your back. If you’re not sure whether you’re doing it correctly, stand next to the mirror on your side and compare your posture with the “check your posture” picture above -- the first two guys on the “bad” side are over-arching their backs.

If you find yourself over-arching your back even when trying not to, this means you have weak abdominal muscles. Do more planks and other gym exercises to strengthen your core.

Getting accustomed to good posture

If you have terrible posture and are just starting to practice good posture, your upper body muscles will complain at first. A good posture will feel uncomfortable, awkward, and difficult to maintain. You’ll get sore. Your body is not used to it because it’s grown accustomed to a bad posture for so long.

Fight through the discomfort and it’ll go away after about a month or two. It helps to stretch a lot. Also breath deeply, imagining your stomach is a balloon that inflates and deflates with each breath. Deep breaths and stretching help mitigate the soreness.

PART 2: Eyes

As I said in the other datasheet, eyes is one of the most important signals of body language. You can read a person just by looking at their eyes and you can learn how to do this here.

Now, there are certain things you want a woman to pick up by looking at your eyes. Women are expert readers of body language (most are better than you or I). If you want women to see you as a dominant and masculine being worth having sex with, you need to learn how to signal this using your eyes.

I already covered some of this in my response to Beyond Border’s thread on using non-verbal displays of dominance. Here’s an excerpt:

(01-07-2016 03:19 PM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

(01-06-2016 05:37 AM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

The staring contest.

...
Also, when I'm staring into a woman's eyes, whether I just met her or we are dating, I'm not just holding her gaze, I'm sending telepathic messages to her. Telling her all the dirty things I'm going to do to her. Telling her how I'm going to own her pussy and have her sucking my cock. Telling her how hard I’m going to bang her. Yes, I'm being serious about this.

…

[post edited for clarification]

An effective way to transmit sexual messages non-verbally through staring is to angle your head down a bit, so your eyes will be slightly above your vision level. To visualize this, imagine a horizontal line across your field of vision parallel to the ground, dividing your overall vision into upper and lower halves. Then slightly lower your head and look up about 20 degrees above that "imaginary" line.

Don't hold your head high with your nose up and stare "down" at her -- that's a "haughty" stare, not a sexual one.

For example...



This look is the one you want to use. See how he's angling his head down and looking up about 20 degrees above his imaginary horizontal center line of his vision.



This second one fails to send a sexual message because he appears to "look down" on the person he's looking at. His eyes are looking just below his imaginary horizontal line of vision.

Hence, why do you think Tom Cruise is so popular with the girls?

This is an art that is difficult to get down. You want to practice in the mirror until you get it right.

In addition, it’s very easy to overdo this and you’d just end up looking ridiculous. The key is to be subtle.

After practicing this in front of the mirror to the point where you won’t break out laughing at your attempt at a seductive stare, you’re ready to get out there. Go to a bar and sit down. When you catch a woman’s eye, don’t only hold her gaze but keep your head slightly down and look up slightly. Don’t break eye contact first. Let her look away first. Wait a minute or two and see if she looks at you again.

Another tip. Smile a little bit to take the edge off -- you don’t want to come across as too serious or overly intense. This is supposed to be fun. I do think the photo examples above are a little too serious. You can hold up your drink and do a “cheers” as well.

It’s important to note that the above applies before you actually meet the girl.

When you’re already on a date with her, you can relax your gaze a bit. If you’ve played your cards right up to this point, you’ve already established your dominance in the dynamic. You don’t need to win any more staring contests, else you come across as too intense and scare her off.

My advice about holding and breaking eye contact during a date is here in my deaf game datasheet:

(05-12-2015 02:24 AM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

This may be one of the important deaf game tips in this post, but also the simplest. Eye contact is very, very powerful, and too much of it is like shining a 200 watt flashlight in a person’s face. At the same time, you don’t want to completely avoid eye contact or maintain a minimal amount of it. You do want to maintain the right amount of eye contact with your girl, to build tension and excitement.

To keep her from getting uncomfortable, creeped out, or feeling like she’s being stared at, you want to BREAK eye contact periodically. Look at the menu. Eat a bite of your food. Drink your drink. Pretend to get distracted by someone walking by or some loud talkers at another table. Then obtain eye contact again, and hold. Hold until either she breaks it, or your gut feel tells you it’s time to break. If a girl asks why you’re staring, you know you are doing too much. Tone it down a notch or two.

Sometimes I am needing to maintain eye contact longer than most people because I have to read their lips. So I need to remind myself to break eye contact, by telling her to write down something she said. As I write this, I’m thinking that it’s entirely possible that some guys don’t maintain enough eye contact to begin with. For these guys, they could try increasing the amount of time they maintain eye contact with the girl they’re with. As soon as it gets slightly uncomfortable, or you feel some tension -- break.

Keep in mind you’re not trying to win a staredown contest or establish dominance. If she’s on a first date with you and you are touching her, you’ve already established dominance and there’s no need to win staredown contests. What you are trying to accomplish is to get her to feel some tension with you via eye contact, but not so much that she gets uncomfortable. It’ll take some experimentation to get it down to the right amount, and once you do, I suspect that the girls you’re with will be tingling with sexual tension and going to want a release very soon.

[CleanSlate]

PART 3: Hands

When you’re with a girl, what you are doing with your hands is just as important as what is coming out of your mouth, if not more so. Your hands, along with posture, will determine your visibility in the mating pool. If you take on a timid posture with your hands to yourself, you will be invisible to women… like a wallflower at a bar. Conversely, with the right posture and presence, doing the right things with your hands will make you visible -- and attractive to women. Once you are visible, they will start sending you mating cues and look for your own cues in response.

Other than the normal advice about greeting someone with a firm handshake or having your palms face outward when approaching a group, here are some specific do’s and don’ts for your game:

Don’t be a pussy and hover your hand her shoulder or back.



The hover hand is a manifestation of sexual shame, a common byproduct of a feminist upbringing in the Western world. This exposes his limiting beliefs that 1) he should not touch women, and 2) that women don’t like to be touched. He probably grew up with an overbearing mother who taught him to “respect” women at all costs. I don’t think he had a strong male role model either.

Do touch her. If she likes you, she will rejoice (even if she doesn’t show it). If she doesn’t, she’ll recoil.


Source: Link

Overcoming sexual shame takes some inner game work -- in the meantime, fake it till you make it. You don’t have to do anything extreme like grabbing her by the pussy. Start small. Touch her on the shoulder, forearm, and the small of her back.

Don’t put both of your hands in your pockets. You look like you’re hiding something. One hand in a pocket and the other outside is fine, however.


Source: Link

Do put your thumbs in your pocket or belt, showing your hands outside of your pockets. You show that you are not intimidated by the world around you. Example (maybe not the best one, but you get the idea):


Source: Link

As long as it’s not too obvious, when your hand is on your belt, your fingers will naturally point toward your crotch — and women’s eyes will follow this. This is one of the most powerful mating cues you can send to women.

Don’t cross your arms, fidget, or hide your crotch with your hands. You look uncomfortable or nervous. Terribly beta vibe that makes you unattractive to women, or worse, invisible.


Source: Link

Do open yourself up to the world around you, standing tall with shoulders back and arms relaxed.


Source: Link

Also note in the two images above — the first timid guy has his feet too close together, while the confident guy has his feet about shoulder length apart, lowering his center of gravity. If you firmly push both guys on their chest with the same amount of force, the timid guy would topple over and the confident guy would barely budge.

*** A word of warning: Be careful not to overdo this by taking on an aggressive posture with hands on your hips, particularly in a crowded bar with poor male-female ratios and everyone is drunk. Doing so can start a fight. I’ve seen this happen too many times to not write this warning.

[CleanSlate]

PART 4: Lean in or lean back?

Conventional game wisdom tells you to lean back a little when talking to women, as to appear slightly disinterested. Leaning forward comes across as needy. Do I agree with this?

Yes and no. Here’s my position on this:

You should do both. It depends on the context. Let me explain.

Think about it -- if you’re always leaning back trying to show disinterest, the girl will eventually conclude that you’re not interested in her and start looking for someone else. Some other guy, who wants it more, will come in and steal her from you.

Lean in to show your intent

You have to show your intent at some point early on. Stating your intent verbally probably isn’t enough. Personally for me, leaning in slightly, looking her in the eye, with my hand on her back (or her leg, if we’re sitting down), saying “you’re cute” with a sly smile, is plenty enough.

Lean in when you’re showing your intent and/or when you want her to know that you desire her.


Source: Link

This guy above is doing it right. From what I can tell, he likely has his left hand on her back and is leaning in slightly to show his interest… and his girl is lapping it up.

But don’t lean in too much. Like this guy here:


Source: Link

Whoa. Don’t do that. Too much leaning and he’s starting to slouch.

Lean back when you tease her

When you’re teasing her, lean back. When she says something funny or weird, say something like “what, you kidding me?” while leaning back with a bemused smile.

Or, “oh you don’t like coffee?” — acting like you’re taken aback. “But I love coffee… I’m gonna have to break up with you” as you keep leaning back (breaking a deadpan look with a smile and a wink to let her know you’re joking).

That’s teasing. Here’s an example:


Source: Link

The above guy has his arm around his woman, yet he’s leaning back a little. He’s also smiling. The woman is smiling to, in a neutral posture. If the guy was teasing her in some way, it would fit the picture perfectly.

Alternate between leaning back and leaning in

When you alternate, you break the monotony. You are an interesting guy. You get her tingling.

Plus, it’s not practical to always lean back in noisy environments. If you’re standing, she has to lean toward you to listen to you. But if there is a large height differential between the two of you, you also have to lean in halfway to help both of you hear each other better.

If you find yourself leaning in too much and leaning back too little, try this little trick: straighten up a bit, lower your volume, and speak more softly. When she can’t hear you, she will naturally lean into you. When she does this, you won’t have to lean in as much. This changes the dynamic slightly -- in your favor.

Mirroring

When you’re standing with a girl at a bar, or sitting at a table on a date, gauge whether she is leaning into you and how much. If she leans in, lean in too. Meet her halfway.

Doing so will help open up chances for you to escalate further.

Here’s an example.


Source: Link

These two are leaning in to about the same extent. Both are showing they are into each other, and are hitting it off.

If, however, you are leaning in, and she is leaning away from you, that is a very bad sign and most probably a deal breaker.


Source: Link

In this example, the guy is leaning in to show is interest, and the girl, through her lean-back body language, is telling him she is not interested. In the guy’s case, leaning back won’t help reignite her interest in him because it was probably never there to begin with.

When you lean in slightly, watch to see if she mirrors you by also leaning into you slightly. If she does, that’s a very good sign of interest.

The point is, don’t be afraid to lean in a little if you’re interested in the girl. It’s a way to tell her you’re interested in her without having to verbalize it, and to see if she does the same. And don’t forget to alternate leaning back with leaning in.

PART 5: Frame control starts with self control

Frame control is probably the hardest part of using body language in game. Your own body language betrays how you really feel. You’re not conscious of it, at least until you notice what your own hands and posture are doing.

Imagine having the self control to display calm and confident body language, no matter what you’re feeling or thinking inside?

If you’ve ever played poker and learned how to keep a poker face, you’ve already done this to some extent. You’ve also done this when you kept a non-judgemental expression on your face as your date revealed she had gotten gangbanged by the basketball team back in the day.

The key to controlling the frame of the relationship between you and your girl is self control.

Guys who lack self control tend to wear their emotions on their sleeve, revealing everything they are thinking and feeling through their body language. They don’t even have to say the words. They could even lie about what they’re feeling, but their body language will betray the lie. These guys are the ones who get eaten alive not just by women with hypergamous instincts, but also by other men with predatory instincts.

If you want to control your body language, start with your thoughts. Don’t try to control your body language by being conscious of your body and adjusting it all the time.

It won’t work.

Here’s a relevant quote:

"Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
- Frank Outlaw

This is essentially saying your actions and body language are, at the root level, a reflection of your thoughts.

If you want to change your body language, start with changing your thoughts. Once you get a handle on those, the downstream effect on your body language will take care of itself.

Changing your thoughts doesn’t need to be complicated. I’m not talking about affirmations or any of the new age self-help bullshit. One or two words will suffice.

Here’s an example.

Sometimes I take myself too seriously. My shoulders tense up and my body language gets tighter. So to work on this, I think of the word “fun”. Just one simple word.

I repeat that word in my head a few times, and the tension in my shoulder muscles begins to melt. I start smiling and my body language opens up. Before long, I’m having fun and not taking things too seriously.

That’s really all it takes.

Here’s another example.

If you have a tendency to make quick and jerky movements with your hands and body, and want to be more smooth, simply think “slow and smooth”. Stretch these words out in your thoughts, “slooowwww and smooooooth”, taking deeper breaths. You’ll naturally slow down, talk slower, walk with more grace, and make smoother hand movements… you’ll have poise instead of being a spaz.

One last example. If you want to sit or stand tall with good posture, just think “swan” or “giraffe” or whatever word reminds you of posture. Your body language will take care of itself and you’ll be sitting and standing taller than a minute before.

The hardest part is just remembering to do this in the heat of the moment -- especially when you’re excited, worried, or upset.

If you’re consciously practicing this, your body language will slip back to the previous default (slouching, etc) as soon as you stop thinking about it. Don’t worry, it happens to me also. Just keep working on your posture and keep at it until you reach a level of unconscious competence, at which point you should be able to keep your frame within your relationships with women.

Hope this helps!

[Geomann180]

Cleanslate, you're a gentleman and a scholar.

I'd rep you twice if I could.

G

[blck]

Great thread

I tried to micro manage every aspects of my BL and it didn't gave the feedback I expected (Inner not matching the outer).

I wanted to know "How to use your BL instead of creating a new one that doesn't fit you" so I took some "Alexander technique course" and the way it was explained to me is that I needed to be congruent with myself first.

My mind state tend to show on my BL and behavior so trying to project confidence the way it is explained everywhere (chest out, ILS and other things...) didn't get me anywhere but just stretching up my back and walking the proper way had make me improve, then everything written in your post came along after that...

Anyway Repped !

[AleBen]

Good info, thanks!

I wouldn't call eye-gaming body language though, but you have an interesting theory about eyes and the angles of the head. I wonder how you came up with that?

Personally I am tall and thus am forced to always look down on girls. Perhaps that is why I am having good results with giving off shy and humble vibes to girls, hmm...

[Hypno]

on posture, i read a good trick. every time you pass through a doorway (this is just a convenient reminder), imagine that there are strings pulling you up by the shoulders to connect to the cieling, as if you are a marionnette puppet. this will cause you to improve your posture.

on hands, the advice is easy but when you are nervous this can be more difficult to implement than you would expect. one thing I do is I try to picture good body language. a good source of this is all of the alpha males on the NFL pre-game shows. on channel in particular shows them without a table hiding their body, so you see how they sit and hold their hands, etc. the cuffs extending from their suits, along with cuff links and pocket squares, is also a nice touch.

another dominant move is to occupy as much space as possible - the balding Bradshaw is dominating the space, and physically younger Long holds his arms in a protective posture, and leans in deferentially.

http://profootballmock.com/wp-content/up...game-2.jpg

[ExploringReality]

Great content! You mentioned some points I didn't know about. I've been working on my posture for a year now, I would say I'm nailing it right now, but I still struggle with tense shoulders. I really don't know what's going on here, maybe it's studying and writing in the pc, but it's the one thing I can't seem able to solve, so I'm trying that "fun" suggestion you made.