[the Thing]

Learn These 3 Short Steps Most People Will Never Know That Can;

• Permanently set your image at the office as a sociable, friendly, chill coworker
• Give you the edge when it's time to negotiate a raise
• Put you to the back of the list when it's time for a layoff
• Let you off the hook for bad behavior, and even
• Help you land your dream job
  

Hello, I'm the Thing. Today I will teach you how to be a shining light among white-collar drones, easily befriend your bosses, negotiate a 50%+ raise and/or ace that interview you've been dreading for the last 2 weeks.

You won't be making millions at home in front of a computer, but you WILL go from being a nice-to-have to being a must-have and your income will increase considerably. Sounds fair?

I thought so. Let me explain.

You have a white collar job. Your colleagues come at 9am every morning to do the work they hate and leave at 5pm to go home and watch the TV lives they envy.

Yes, the staggering life of the white collar. It's such an epidemic that some of them may even be on prescription antidepressants just to be able to cope with this.

But there is one drug all of them do, and enjoy. Sound familiar? Hint: It's not sex.

According to a recent marketing research, 54% of millennials choose food over sex when asked to pick between the two.

Having sex is awesome of course, but not on an empty stomach. Moreover, human evolution has adapted us well to heavily processed food and culinary science has made great developments in engineering delicacies that will activate neural pathways that no good ole' smashing never could.

Today I will teach you to use this to your advantage. To grow your career in leaps and bounds.

I've been there. I had panic attacks before performance reviews that I wouldn't make it. I had a job interview where I was sweating so hard in the waiting room that I had to change my shirt for Christ's sake.

Then suddenly my life changed. Everyone at the office loved me. I negotiated two 50% raises back to back over a 14 month period.

When the company HQ had finally decided to stop operations in the country where I had been employed, I began applying for jobs. I attached the reference letters I received from my bosses all stating how exemplary of a character I was. I was called to 3 interviews in 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, I had 3 job offers in hand, the lowest paid of which was a 15% raise over my previous job.

This little hack didn't make me the CEO of Starbucks and I'm not claiming that you will be. What I'll give you is that little push you need to unlock your inner potential, that you most definitely have. I'm going on and on about this because I believe you.

When you're on your way to your first day at your new job, when it's a gloomy morning, when you have a job interview, when that nightmare client is coming in to discuss the project burn rate, what you are going to do is;

Step 1: Visit your nearest Dunkin Donuts location, which in the world of today is most likely one street over.
It's not that hard, all you have to look for is their logo which looks like this;

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Dunkin Donuts in any way, in fact you may visit any donut shop you wish but I'd like to note that during my A/B testing I have found out that Dunkin Donuts, with their pastries, their packaging, their corporate image, look flashy enough to set the mood but not too gaudy to make you look like the office clown.

Step 2: Buy a 12-pack of their donuts for $9.99 plus tax or whatever it sells for at your local jurisdiction. Don't be a cheap ass, that $10 will pay itself over a thousand times. For reference, here's a picture of what you should be leaving the shop with:


Step 3: Find the key stakeholders at your office and offer them donuts.

That's it. You're not one of the loss center chumps anymore, you're the laid back, confident, social guy with a big smile and a 12-pack of donuts. Look at this picture and say you CAN'T figure out who brought the donuts.



That's right. Be casual about this and don't forget the big smile. Don't be that creep who eats a lot of junk food. This is weak donut game right here:



I wouldn't be pushing this hard if I didn't know it worked. I've done this so many times. In fact here's a bona fide depiction of what happens when I show up at the office with a 12 pack:



Donut game recognized:



Adapt it to your situation to make the affair feel organic. For example, in the case of a job interview, if you feel like it'll be weird to show up with a box of donuts you may use a line such as "we were celebrating something earlier today and I thought I should bring you some pastries as well" but this is seldom needed. I did this at enough job interviews that now I have the confidence to just rock the donuts like I was born with them.

Ideally you should send an intra-departmental memo regularly that you'll have donuts and you invite the entire department to chill at the break room. If your office is so stiff that it'll be weird at the beginning, ease them into it with a bullshit pretense in the email such as "We're celebrating the growth of my infant son's first DICK HAIR!!!11" until they finally get used to receiving donuts from you.

Bring a box of donuts to a tough interview and see how easy it gets.

Performance review coming up? Better get a store card because you'll be racking them points up pretty quick.

Woke up late because too busy partying last night? Better not forget that 12-pack or your ass is fired.

Cons. It'll cost you $15 every now and then. Don't be a cheap ass. I just made you an extra $10-15k a year.

It'll break your keto diet. Big fucking whoop. You'll be right back on it in no time.

It might not work at a non-PC workplace where people aren't autistic enough to figure out simple things such as this.

But it will work extremely well in most white collar workplaces and it'll effectively get you out of 95%+ of shit you stir up at any software firm.

Negotiating a raise? Well I'll tell you a story. When I first thought of this little hack, it was because I'd been 30 minutes late to a very important meeting. I just showed up with the donuts and suddenly it wasn't such a big deal anymore.

A few weeks later, I did this right after a meeting at which we signed with a new client.

After that, at when we paid for a purchase of new equipment that were going to increase productivity a lot.

I started doing this very frequently. Even for small things such as when I received reimbursement for business travel as I should. Everyone thought I was a very sociable and positive person. But in fact, I was conditioning the entire management in a weird, twisted Pavlovian sense to associate confident business decisions with donuts. I did this for a few months and when it was time for my raise, the entire negotiation took less than a minute. Guess how it went.

I'll give you a hint: While we shook hands, a third of DD Strawberry Frosted was hanging off my manager's mouth.

You can have all of this and then some. You already have the willpower, you read all the way here. All you have to do is remember these 3 simple steps:

1. Find donut shop
2. Buy donuts
3. Give donuts
   

Try it, see how much office rapport you'll get for just $10 worth of donuts. Stand tall and proud at the office knowing your DHV is that much higher.

Thank you.

[Wahawahwah]

-1 on the thread title, I really hope this doesn't become a thing.
+2 on the advice, this definitely works. Good stuff

[BortimusPrime]

What if you work at a donut shop?

[the Thing]

(10-20-2016 04:36 PM)Wahawahwah Wrote:  



-1 on the thread title, I really hope this doesn't become a thing.
+2 on the advice, this definitely works. Good stuff

Thanks. It's funny that with the advance of technology, we as humans grew apart from each other and forgot about our very nature that actually brought us here.

Also thanks for the rep point. I don't want to ask for a rep from the readers but try it for long enough and come here to rep me when an entire floor of a multi-national corporation starts talking to each other like "Oh there's this guy called the Thing at the office, he brings entire boxes of these every Thursday, he's so cool!" whenever they see the DD logo.

[Monty_Brogan]

Hahah! I work in the trades and it's customary -forced- for the low man on the totem pole to bring in donuts on Saturdays.

[the Thing]

(10-20-2016 04:45 PM)BortimusPrime Wrote:  

What if you work at a donut shop?

This is a very good question and first of all I'd like to thank you for bringing this up. The donut is the perfect snack for this trick, for the simple reasons such as;

• Everyone is fine with donuts. It's not like alcohol, with which you can run into Muslims, Indian Sikhs, certain Christian denominations or whatever the fuck that CAN and WILL ruin your party. It's not ethnic, not spicy, most people are not allergic to it, you can have a group of people of whatever race, ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation and age; most of them will fucking love donuts and the rest will be neutral towards them. No one has ever said "DONUTS ARE HORRIBLE AND THEY SHOULD BE BANNED" except the kid in some shitty Minecraft parody video that I found while Google search verifying this fact, and I'm willing to bet a large DD Frozen Coffee Coolatta® that no one in the professional world gives two shits about this little exception.
• It doesn't require any commitment at the receiving end, you either take one or say "thank you" and immediately move on with your shit. If you bring alcohol people will have to stay and drink which means a time commitment.
• It's an unexpected friendly gesture. If you invite people to something it won't be unexpected nor will it be specifically friendly because people get invited to shit all the time.
• The receiving end doesn't have to pay. This by itself (if not the point above) crosses out almost all leisure activities such as bowling or go-karting, which wouldn't be as good anyway because read above.
  

If you work at a donut shop you won't have that many coworkers and you'll probably know them better than you could ever know a 200-person office floor. One positive is that it'll be easy to tailor something to the specific situation at hand. I'd suggest beer (if everyone's fine with alcohol) after a shift along with a dart board as a get-together activity, but you can come up with something way better than this since as I mentioned you won't have that many coworkers.

The image you're trying to set is, in essence, that your managers and coworkers love you and they'd hate to see you go. Donuts are just a tool. You know those overly friendly, social people that smile and nod at everything? That one guy that you're trying so hard to hate but you can't because there's nothing to hate about him? They're the naturals of this game.

[CaptainChardonnay]

This post is hilarious but I can see this actually working. Goodwill ftw!

[scotian]

I always thought having the best drugs at the Christmas party was the way in, I'll have to try this one.

[the Thing]

(10-20-2016 06:32 PM)scotian Wrote:  

I always thought having the best drugs at the Christmas party was the way in, I'll have to try this one.

Drugs would work extremely well in a select few industries but donuts will work fairly and adequately well almost everywhere. In fact, if you offered drugs to people at our Christmas party, you'd be really good friends with me, shortly after which you'd be ousted and fired. And possibly reported to the police. And I'd probably lose all my donut cred for taking drugs from you.

So look how stinky a shit show we stirred up. Just bring donuts

[scotian]

Whenever people at work ask me what the white stuff on my nose is I tell them I just finished a donut, works every time.

[Going strong]

(10-20-2016 04:17 PM)the Thing Wrote:  

How to

• Permanently set your image at the office as a sociable, friendly, chill coworker
• Give you the edge when it's time to negotiate a raise
• Put you to the back of the list when it's time for a layoff
• Let you off the hook for bad behavior, and even
• Help you land your dream job
  

Answer: Be a slim blonde woman under 30, and show cleavage. Additional option, for hyper fast-track career: give head to whomever's in charge. You may or may not eat the free donuts, but do swallow!

[chicane]

Dunkin Donuts? Bah, Round Rock Doughnuts are the only true Doughnuts!

[H1N1]

This was a very amusing post, and the advice is excellent. As an employer, I think this is a very good idea, and I would be happy to reward the employee who consistently did stuff like this. I'll probably do it myself though - before I have to fork out a 50% raise. The important point is that this *does* have a fundamental effect on morale. Sharing food is a fundamental act of humanity, and something that equalises all involved for those few brief moments.

Even if you are personally doing it to get ahead, which is a very fine motivation and one any employer should support, you are also making yourself a valuable part of the company fabric. As an employer, I am always looking for ways to improve the quality of life for my guys. Little things like this from their co-workers are actually a big deal, and help create the right environment regardless of whether your motivation is purely cynical or not (I suspect not entirely).

[The Beast1]

I've been known to share left over cakes and such at work.

This is great for a small office where everyone knows each other. Not so good when you're on a floor with about 120 other people with four different divisions.

[Wreckingball]

A guy I know takes chocolates every friday to work. Everyone fucking loves the guy.

At my previous job I was bringing chocolates every once in a while. My manager loved it and my coworkers as well.
At my new work, I once took chocolate cookies to work. A big box. Nobody wanted them. Bunch of ungrateful bitches.

[R Smoov]

Don't forget the pretzels!

Everyone in the office loves to indulge in borderline unhealthy shit!

[Nascimento]

A+ for the donut datasheet.

A+ for the writing as well.

[DJ-Matt]

Hilarious post and it definitely works!

[polar]

How do you pull this shit off at an interview in an uptight white collar industry?

[Wahawahwah]

(10-21-2016 01:18 PM)polar Wrote:  

How do you pull this shit off at an interview in an uptight white collar industry?

Thats where the mindblown part was.
Can you imagine how interesting the conversation would be if you walked into a job interview with a box of doughnuts? Breaking frame even...hell, especially, in an uptight industry?

If I was the interviewer I'd be LMAOing right there.

[greekgod]

3000% confirmed. Great post. Funny as shit.

I've worked with far too many miserable HR harpies and the easy way to disarm a women in office distress (everyday) is sweets.

I do have one bone to pick, the Thing, sex on a full stomach is certifiable. Missionary bloat or dangerous doggy farts.....wooooo be careful.

Great post.

[ElFlaco]

(10-21-2016 06:02 AM)Wreckingball Wrote:  

A guy I know takes chocolates every friday to work. Everyone fucking loves the guy.

This thread confirms that I have no instinct for office dynamics. This trick would never have occurred to me. I honestly didn't know that people are so easily manipulated with free food.

[262]

My last boss used to bring in random food for his team.

He was already a cool guy, but it probably helped.

[Going strong]

(10-21-2016 09:06 PM)ElFlaco Wrote:  

... I honestly didn't know that people are so easily manipulated with free food.

It's been known for ages: Donuts and Circenses!

[the Thing]

(10-21-2016 02:12 AM)H1N1 Wrote:  

This was a very amusing post, and the advice is excellent. As an employer, I think this is a very good idea, and I would be happy to reward the employee who consistently did stuff like this. I'll probably do it myself though - before I have to fork out a 50% raise. The important point is that this *does* have a fundamental effect on morale. Sharing food is a fundamental act of humanity, and something that equalises all involved for those few brief moments.

Even if you are personally doing it to get ahead, which is a very fine motivation and one any employer should support, you are also making yourself a valuable part of the company fabric. As an employer, I am always looking for ways to improve the quality of life for my guys. Little things like this from their co-workers are actually a big deal, and help create the right environment regardless of whether your motivation is purely cynical or not (I suspect not entirely).

You sir are correct on your suspicion. When I'm at work, when I go out to pick up, when I'm on a date, when I'm out with friends, when I am at the gym, when I'm cleaning up my pad, essentially my every living second what I do is that I'm in the "making people happy" business because a great salesman once said "You can have everything you want, if you make enough people happy."

I am a firm believer in the concept of value, before anything I value myself with exercise, grooming and quality food because I can't give value to anything else if I don't value myself first, then I look for ways to make people's lives that much better. Most people interpret situations in their lives as something they have to crush others in and look for "win-lose" outcomes while in fact it's all in one's point of view what "winning" and "losing" is and there's a "win-win" outcome to everything. Bringing "value" absolutely isn't doing what people tell you to do because most people have no idea what they actually want (anyone who's spent 10 minutes on the game forum should know this). It's not hard to come up with examples. When you're out with a girl you bring good look, quality conversation and tight game, she brings... well.. boobs, and you both "win" and at work an entire floor can "win" through the simple act of sharing a box of donuts and realizing even for one moment that someone cares about them.

(10-21-2016 03:49 AM)The Beast1 Wrote:  

I've been known to share left over cakes and such at work.

This is great for a small office where everyone knows each other. Not so good when you're on a floor with about 120 other people with four different divisions.

It's going to work equally well in both situations, if you don't want to look like a fool pushing an entire tray of donuts, send an intra-office memo that you'll be serving donuts at whatever p.m. at whichever break room and let it rain. All those 120 people will remember you. The ones that rank higher than you will recommend you for their position when they get promoted. If you decide to change jobs, all of them will write gleaming reference letters for you.

(10-21-2016 01:45 PM)Wahawahwah Wrote:  

(10-21-2016 01:18 PM)polar Wrote:  

How do you pull this shit off at an interview in an uptight white collar industry?

Thats where the mindblown part was.
Can you imagine how interesting the conversation would be if you walked into a job interview with a box of doughnuts? Breaking frame even...hell, especially, in an uptight industry?

If I was the interviewer I'd be LMAOing right there.

I did it just recently. I work in the IT industry which isn't as uptight as let's say finance or oil and gas but it can be applied to any industry. It's all in the frame. Hint: Start working your magic with the receptionist.