Ever since I’ve read
Mr. Lemons visceral description of him having a heart attack and the blunt, honest reasons he states why it had come to this the words stuck with me. For whatever reason. I did not know why until recently.
I am finishing up med school (thank God for that, it takes long enough) and am slowly starting to learn on how to swim within clinical situations. Real life clinical situations, where theories come to clash with practice and oh Lord how they clash in epical, comical, tragically fashion. But that is a story for another day.
I am being a bit disingenuous here as I’ve started doing my first clinical rounds a couple years ago. But my mind has changed since then.
In medicine our constant companion is death. Yet, funnily, we do not really acknowledge it. It is hard but please let me try to explain. Currently I’ve been learning ‘Allergology’, the studies centered around allergies (duh). Seems bland enough I thought to myself – you’ve got your hypersensitive reactions, your symptoms, clinical signs, standard procedures, standard drugs, yada – yada – yada. However I clearly remember a most mundane moment that engraved itself within my mind in vivid, clear memory.
It was a class about different types of allergies and one of the topics were insect allergies such as bodily overreactions towards insect poisons (i.e. when you are stung by a bee, wasp etc.). The death toll per year for a couple of countries such as Germany, Switzerland, Austria, U.S.A. is about 50 per year. That ’50 per year’ on the PowerPoint presentation was just one line. Three words. I’ve heard this line thousands of times before albeit in different forms – different diseases and different numbers. Usually much higher.
Yet – from every possible thing which could have lodged itself into my brain I particularly remember this one mundane fact.
So, what of it?
Why was this, I started to think because I could not shake it off. I thought about it constantly, even gotten shivers over it until it hit me.
We are so fragile. The human body, despite being championed as a miracle of God’s/Universe’s creation, is so, damn, fragile. All it takes is a bee sting, to which you have recently developed an allergy and still do not know it yet, when you are out in the middle of nowhere trying to enjoy Nature marvels and ‘poof’ – you are gone.
You, your memories, your past, your present, your future is gone. Your story has ended.
‘The death of one man is a tragedy; the death of millions is a statistic,’ by Stalin came to mind. In an interesting note I thought to myself – ‘Have we, as medical care workers, started thinking about our patients as robots which must be greased and fixed instead of human beings which must be treated and healed in order to preserve our own sanity? Is this our way to cope with ‘death’?’ I did not come to the answer of this question. Yet. But this, too, is a story for another day.
I’ve lost sleep over this not because I’ve gotten terrified but because I’ve gotten angry at myself: ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck! You ungrateful son of a bitch! How many days have you wasted? Days? Fucking weeks, months, YEARS?! People are dying around the world in the most horrible or bland fashions trying to get a taste what has been shoved into your ungrateful ass since you were born. Fucking ingrate… promise me, promise yourself – never again will you waste time and never again will you be ungrateful.’
I’ve stopped shielding myself against the pain, agony and death of the patients I come into contact with. I let it wash over me, like I am standing in the middle of the sea and the tide comes. For many times it swallowed me into the depths and I thought I’d never be able to resurface again. But I swim back up. I force myself to, one stroke at a time. The feeling is… hard to describe – cleansing probably fits best.
It’s hard to put into words of another tongue the emotions I’ve felt crawling through my skin when I was in the middle of the room when a female patient was given the diagnosis of metastatic melanoma. T4N2M1 (T – tumor size, N – lymph node status and M – metastasis) which means the melanoma was big (but not on the skin, within the skin); it metastasized into the lymph nodes and into another organ. 5 – year survival rate? Less than 20% with heavy probability of relapse if ‘cured’. The woman was 40 years old. Looked good for the age and had no bigger health issues in her life. Sweet too and I came to like her.
Melanomas are sly and brutal fuckers. You see them, but do not recognize them. They look like brown melanin spots which you probably have a couple on yourself. Probably even in places you usually do not see or inspect, such as the back, or the back of your legs. This is what makes them deadly.
P.S. Please wear sunscreen! The sun’s rays are not to be trifled with, especially in the summer or if you live somewhere where it is always sunny. Even more so if you are one of the guys, like me, who have a lot of brown spots. The chance of getting melanoma (for us) is 5% and there is no need to raise it higher with UV rays. Wear 30+!
Many times when they are diagnosed it is already too late for a therapy option which could have cured you. For many patents medicine can only prolong life, but cannot save it. It’s a cruel fact I’ve come to accept. Prolongation (of agony?) instead of salvation. Cold, hard truth. The woman came into the clinic because of unspecific health issues the doctors could not figure out and then ‘boom’. Yes, ‘boom’ is all I saw on her face. Shock, void of emotion, pale, ghostly, terrifying.
I’ve become much grateful as a person. I’ve never lived in squalor and was given many things for which I should have worked for free of charge. Because I was lucky enough to be born from a ball-sack of man and uterus of a woman who were able to make good money and give them to me. Was I grateful? Not nearly enough.
Not, nearly, fucking, enough.
This is my gratefulness mantra I wrote for myself and read to myself every day I wake up since. It’s been very useful to me as I can see the good when the bad happens. The bad will always happen; it is just a matter of time. But I’ll see the good. I’ll see the beautiful within the ugly and enjoy life. It is much too short and too fragile.
‘Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50…’
I am grateful
I am grateful for having woken up and being given the blessing to live another day.
I am grateful for a having a mind which is clear and my own and being given the possibility to learn.
I am grateful for having sight with which I can watch in awe the wonders of Nature.
I am grateful for having hearing with which I listen to the wonderful sounds of the Universe.
I am grateful for being able to smell the beautiful scents of the World.
I am grateful for being able to taste the infinite combinations of Food.
I am grateful for having a functional Penis with which I can plan my Dynasty and experience pleasures with women I love.
I am grateful for having functional arms and legs which allow me to explore and wrestle with Nature.
I am grateful for having a healthy body which gives my Soul a vessel to steer within this World.
I am grateful for being born to parents who loved me, fed me, clothed me, sheltered me and guided me to the best of their abilities.
I am grateful for being born within in a time where technology makes possible to make friends thousands of miles away and having access to this digital library we call the ‘Internet’ from which everything can be learned if one searches long enough.
I am grateful for being born within a place which is not ravaged by war, famine or dictators and gives me the opportunity to focus on improving myself instead of simply trying to survive.
I am grateful for the good experiences which elevate my Spirit to the highest of hights.
I am grateful for the bad experiences which pull me down to the bottom of the Depths and force me to learn how to swim back up to the surface.
I am, deeply, grateful for stumbling upon the Manosphere which gave me the key to open the door within myself and access my Male spirituality and how to understand It.
I am grateful for being born a Man as I have been given the opportunity to make Miracles come true.
I am grateful.
My example: I’ve been told that I’ll be able to go to another country and get more experiences in a field of medicine I really like and for that I am deeply grateful. Seems like finally the labors of my work are starting to bear fruit and I’ll be able to make the first step to financial independence and start to give back my parents and this forum what they’ve given to me.
Life, again, is fragile and short, brothers. Make use of it more than 100% and be grateful for each day. You never know when your Story will end.
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) but I also do realize after I cool down that I have to be thankful for a handful of reasons.![[Image: smile.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/smile.gif)
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