[Ryre]

I have a problem. Here's my situation: I work from home, so I don't get much social contact during the day. I live in Washington, D.C., a city that I am not crazy about and that lacks easy access to outdoors activities like hiking/climbing/skiing, unlike where I grew up. I also do not have a very wide social circle here. I have a girlfriend, but she is about to leave for graduate school, leaving me with even fewer contacts.

I need to find/choose some good recreational activities to pursue. I do not pick up physical things that quickly--I am tall and don't have natural coordination. Over the years I have spent some time in martial arts, dancing (salsa and swing), recreational basketball, rock climbing, and studying Spanish, but without getting very competent at any of them. Also used to go out to karaoke a lot but never really learned to sing and got tired of being bad. (I train regularly with weights and am fairly strong and in shape, so that isn't really an issue.)

Compounding the problem, my best male friend here does pick things up quickly, and has a long background in salsa dancing, climbing, and has recently become a fanatical kite-surfer, take a bunch of lessons, and got good at that too. I feel as though I am always playing catch-up with his enthusiasms and tagging along on activities where I am a perpetual beginner. This is not good for my confidence.

I think the thing to do is buckle down and concentrate on salsa dancing, go out a lot and take invest some money in lessons and get over the skill hump. I already have some background in it, my buddy swears by it, and as an older guy I think it's a good way to stay relevant to younger girls.

Anyone relate to any of this or have any advice?

[samsamsam]

Do a hobby that makes you happy. Even if you suck at it. With time and effort you'll get better.

I mean you could do something that you are good at but hate. But that will just make you want to quit.

As long as you are happy doing something it won't feel like a chore. It's ok that you suck at something. As long as you are enthusiastic about it (because you actually like it) people will respond to your positive energy. And they'll help you. I'd rather help an enthusiastic person than a grumpy fucker. And that can lead to new friendships, etc.

I box. Been doing it for the past year. I love it. I have gotten better but I didn't know shit when I started. It has cost me some cash for personal training. But honestly it has kept me going through some tough life stuff. But I'll never be great at it. I'll never be on the olympic team. But it brings me joy.

[Atlantic]

Do whatever you enjoy. I used to surf with guys who were 3-5 times better then me. They would get the majority of the waves and were way better surfers. Didn't matter - I loved surfing and still do. I actually enjoyed the fact that they were so much better cause it push me more and it was more fun to watch them them surf then just stay at an easier beach with beginners. I have gotten myself into major trouble a few times following them into waves that are way beyond my ability. I still laugh at the times I have gotten smashed and thrown around under water trying to match those guys.

Being the best in a hobby isn't the point. The progression and challenging yourself is what is a lot more fun and meaningful. Pick what you enjoy - not what you think you will be best at. There is always some guy who has better natural ability, but that doesn't mean you can't have just as much fun as him learning.

[jayyrod1]

You only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent. In the same sense, you usually get better by being around people that are better than you.

If any of the hobbies your friend does interests you then I'd suggest doing them with him. Ask him if you can tag-along. If you feel like you're holding him back, ask him if you are. If he's a decent or good friend, he'll be honest with you.

See if you can go to any of those lessons he takes 'just to try it out.' I believe that people want to help but most of the time they don't know how so you gotta put yourself out there and when you slip and fall, ask for a hand up. This especially works if that person is your friend and/or they just like you.

Don't let anything affect your confidence either. Life is a learning opportunity and anyone who is good at anything, at one point, was a beginner like you and sucked atbit just as bad or worse! Aside from the few that have a natural talent at something but I wouldn't think too much of them any way.

Overall I suppose I'm saying find what interests you and explore it until you know whether or not you like it. If you know people that do an activity your interested in, try to tag along. You'll learn quicker around someone whose already done the learning, made the mistakes, and figured out the tricks. I think you will be surprised to see how quickly some people will jump at the opportunity to help you out/ teach you something. If and when that happens, befriend them. You're more likely to be iinvited along in the future if you can show someone that your not afraid of failing and taking advice in the process.

Example: I used to talk and talk and talk about how cool rock climbing looked and how much I wanted yo try it and how fun I think it would be and a buddybof mine said, "I do a lot of rock climbing, you should come along sometime." I told him no that'd I'd probably suck real bad and hold em back. Plus I didn't have any gear and what'd they guy do? He wouldn't take my no for an answer and said he was gonna make me go with him and try it out. Granted, this was only a friend of a friend but the guy was super cool about. I went on a weekend trip and had a blast! Afterwards I thanked him for making me come along and asked him why he was do pushy about it the first place.

Buddy said," you were so interested and intrigued in yhr way you talked about I just knew I had to give you a chance at it to put your curiosity to rest. Hahaha, I guess you kindaboike it huh?"
"Liked it? I fucking loved it dude! What're you doing next weekend."

[Ryre]

(08-05-2015 11:15 AM)jayyrod1 Wrote:  

You only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent. In the same sense, you usually get better by being around people that are better than you.

If any of the hobbies your friend does interests you then I'd suggest doing them with him. Ask him if you can tag-along. If you feel like you're holding him back, ask him if you are. If he's a decent or good friend, he'll be honest with you.

See if you can go to any of those lessons he takes 'just to try it out.' I believe that people want to help but most of the time they don't know how so you gotta put yourself out there and when you slip and fall, ask for a hand up. This especially works if that person is your friend and/or they just like you.

Don't let anything affect your confidence either. Life is a learning opportunity and anyone who is good at anything, at one point, was a beginner like you and sucked atbit just as bad or worse! Aside from the few that have a natural talent at something but I wouldn't think too much of them any way.

Overall I suppose I'm saying find what interests you and explore it until you know whether or not you like it. If you know people that do an activity your interested in, try to tag along. You'll learn quicker around someone whose already done the learning, made the mistakes, and figured out the tricks. I think you will be surprised to see how quickly some people will jump at the opportunity to help you out/ teach you something. If and when that happens, befriend them. You're more likely to be iinvited along in the future if you can show someone that your not afraid of failing and taking advice in the process.

Example: I used to talk and talk and talk about how cool rock climbing looked and how much I wanted yo try it and how fun I think it would be and a buddybof mine said, "I do a lot of rock climbing, you should come along sometime." I told him no that'd I'd probably suck real bad and hold em back. Plus I didn't have any gear and what'd they guy do? He wouldn't take my no for an answer and said he was gonna make me go with him and try it out. Granted, this was only a friend of a friend but the guy was super cool about. I went on a weekend trip and had a blast! Afterwards I thanked him for making me come along and asked him why he was do pushy about it the first place.

Buddy said," you were so interested and intrigued in yhr way you talked about I just knew I had to give you a chance at it to put your curiosity to rest. Hahaha, I guess you kindaboike it huh?"
"Liked it? I fucking loved it dude! What're you doing next weekend."

I guess the problem is I've gone through the "just try it out" stage already with a number of things. Like salsa, I've done a number of classes, a couple private lessons, and gone out social dancing quite a few times. But it's been scattered over the years and right now I only have a couple of moves I can reliably do,and I don't feel smooth and confident enough with it to actually have fun dancing, be sexual, etc. And it is hard to practice on my own. I have videos of myself doing a few moves and can find more online, but it is hard to even walk through them without a partner. For me the skill comes slowly and leaves fast. Last time I took a group class it moved too fast for me (intermediate class) and I did not retain anything. I made the most improvement from private lessons but those are like $75/hour.

I guess I am just bitching, if I want to do it I have to put in the density of work--going out multiple times a week and practicing on my own--to get competent. At some point it stops being fun, being a dabbler.

[roberto]

(08-05-2015 10:22 AM)Ryre Wrote:  

I need to find/choose some good recreational activities to pursue. I do not pick up physical things that quickly--I am tall and don't have natural coordination. Over the years I have spent some time in martial arts, dancing (salsa and swing), recreational basketball, rock climbing, and studying Spanish, but without getting very competent at any of them. Also used to go out to karaoke a lot but never really learned to sing and got tired of being bad. (I train regularly with weights and am fairly strong and in shape, so that isn't really an issue.)

You and me both mate. Try an instrument, and play the style of music which you enjoy. In a city like DC you should be able to find like minded guys to jam with just around the block.

Learn the basics, and start jamming soon as possible. Your skills will improve faster this way and it's a great way to expand your social life. Just like jayrod says above, 'You only get smarter by playing (with) a smarter opponent.

[Saweeep]

How much time have you given these activities in the past?

It sounds to me like you are too eager to be "good" at something and are missing out on the enjoyment as a result.

Hobbies are about the journey, not the destination (to me anyway).

[Mike0060]

Choose a hobby and stick with it. Quit being so indecisive and just do it.

[Ryre]

(08-05-2015 12:26 PM)CrashBangWallop Wrote:  

How much time have you given these activities in the past?

It sounds to me like you are too eager to be "good" at something and are missing out on the enjoyment as a result.

Hobbies are about the journey, not the destination (to me anyway).

There is truth in what you say, but I feel like my error with some of this stuff has been on the other side: being too willing to accept a low level of skill, not willing or focused enough to get over the learning hump into competence.

But I don't need to catastrophize this or be too black and white, i.e. "either be an expert or quit!" With salsa for instance, if I do a few minutes of daily footwork practice and reviewing the moves I know, go to a few classes, ask my friend for help, and go social dancing every week or so I can reach a level of comfort pretty fast. Going to a few classes will also help me add to the circle of girls to invite out for dancing--it is a lot more fun to go with a group of girls who will dance with you than to have to ask strangers all the time.