[jariel]

Quote:

Online dating has made me feel more alone and rejected than ever.

I expected life after college to be hard. Entering the workforce in one of the more turbulent economic times in our nation’s history meant I would have to work harder to break into the communications industry. Moving out of my parents house would mean learning how to live on a strict budget, resulting in many ramen noodle dinners the week before payday. However, I did not expect that my dating life would be this difficult.

For the life of me, I cannot get a date. Just typing that sentence stung. As a single, straight female living in a metropolitan neighborhood, one would think that it would be fairly simple to meet men. I’m not a huge drinker, so the bar scene has never really been my thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I’m not into one night stands either.

Although I am an introvert and would rather spend time with my cat while watching Netflix, I ventured out of my comfort zone and joined a co-ed softball league and registered for a comedy class. That was a bust. Most of the guys were taken, while the others showed zero interest in my lame attempts to flirt. When that didn’t pan out, I turned to the one avenue that has never let me down: the Internet.


My online dating bio that my friend Erica wrote. It pretty much sums me up to a tee.

Online dating seemed ideal, and was surely going to be the gateway to widen my dating horizons. As a writer and a marketer, it should have been almost effortless to create a dazzling dating profile. No awkward pick-up lines, or reading between the lines. In this digital dating landscape, I was able to put my best self first.

Similar to online shopping for shoes, I perused the catalog of men "selected" specifically for me. What could be better than having tailored dates sent in my inbox every day?

Over a span of a week, I reached out to 10 different guys, crafting short but thoughtful messages. Radio silence followed.

Determined, I scoped out more matches, reached out and waited for a bite. Nope -- it ended up being another round of rejections. So really, it was like being shot down by 20 consecutive times. Twenty men that were perfect for me based on my personality and interests were not interested in me even though I "looked" and "sounded" my best. Even at my best I was not desirable. To someone who struggles with self-esteem issues on an hourly basis, this was a kick in the gut.

After a month of only getting two messages from men that were not my type, and receiving no response from any of my "matches" (there had to be over 40 at that point), I enlisted feedback from my friends.

I was positive switching out profile photos, having my best friend pen a wittier "about me" summary and broadening my "match" settings would make a world of difference to potential suitors. It was a digital makeover, and just like in the movies where the girl turns heads after her transformation, my new profile would gain traction.

Nothing happened. My inbox remained empty, and my insecurities were increasing with each click. What was turning them away? Was it my looks -- which was based on the best photos of me? Or was it my personality, my being? Something has to be turning them off, and the speculation of what it could be has rattled my confidence.


My profile photo, which used to make me feel confident about how great I looked. Now I question if I was as pretty as I felt that night.

If I am being myself and it hasn't attracted anyone, then perhaps I have way bigger fish to fry than trying to get a date.

Online dating has made me feel more alone and rejected than ever. Because it has been such a draining experience, I made the decision to delete all of my online dating profiles, five profiles altogether.


The sad, destitute inbox of shame.

Has anyone else ever experienced a similar situation in online dating? Instead of lifting you up, has it shaken up the stability your self-image? They say love hurts, but being rejected before you're even acknowledged hurts even more.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/xojane-/on...lp00000592

She's boring, unattractive, and has low-self esteem.

Why won't you men MAN UP and date this girl?

Can't you see she's trying?

She even got a friend to write a wittier "About Me" message on her profile!

[IvanDrago]

This would be a good post in the online hamster thread. It's great but doesn't merit it's own thread.

Here is my 100% guaranteed plan to get her a date.

1. Lose 30 pounds
2. Walk outside

I know it's complicated but she's strong and independent. I am sure she can wrap her head around the plan.

[Parlay44]

How does she expect guys to drunken caveman her if she's not into bars

[Roosh]

Reality has a way of destroying any incorrect notions you have about yourself or the world.

[assman]

Her profile blurb is awful (why on earth do women think these blurbs are witty or unique - they all sound the same!), and she sounds like a couch potato with a terrible diet, but none of that would matter if she dropped 50lbs - then she'd have plenty of messages.

I doubt she messaged any obese guys. Actually I know she didn't; this is from her About page: One day, she hopes to become best friends with Taylor Swift, marry a hockey player, and have enough money to gaze into the distance as she fills her gas tank..



She's 25. Things aren't going to get any better for her (and will probably get worse as gravity starts taking its toll and her skin starts showing signs of aging) until she acknowledges reality and trims some of the excess fat.

[JoyStick]

Haha yeah I wonder what it could be.

[jariel]

[CRR]

The following is what I said about this article in the online hamster thread, I think it still stands:

I quickly went through the comments (over 400 of them), and perhaps one or two that I saw acknowledged the obvious…she's fat, borderline obese. Of course those comments were immediately bashed. A vast majority of comments are "You're beautiful, it's online dating that sucks and your profile needs work". Feminists so desperately want to be judged on what they think is attractive that they now simply ignore the obvious issue. What most men find attractive is completely irrelevant.

If a fat man posted the article, practically every guy would say "dude, lose some weight. Hit the gym and eat less".

EDIT: It's just like the girl who posted her photos on reddit. Anyone who criticized her was shouted down.

Again, what if a guy posted something like this. "I tried online dating and no one messaged me back" and he was overweight, played video games 12 hours a day, had no direction or self esteem, and talked about boring crap that was only interesting to him? We'd tell him to put down the controller, learn some skills, hit the gym, eat better and develop your social skills.

These women just put themselves in an endless cycle of depression, validation, rejection, depression, validation…when all they have to do is focus on self improvement. I know that takes actual effort as opposed to BS validation. But the rewards are much, much greater and would break the endless cycle, and frankly, would end this annoying habit of fat feminists complaining about how the world should bend to their will.

Further proof that our ideas > feminist ideas.

[aphelion]

Beat me to it. I was about to donotlink this article myself.

The funny thing about this is that her experience matches basically 80% of men's dating website experiences too - ones who aren't 75 pounds overweight, are employed and have relatively interesting profiles. The fact that she had to be vapid and overweight merely in order to not get any messages back demonstrates how skewed the online dating market still is.

[jariel]

Her friend, who is probably single or is dating a loser, completely sabotaged her profile.

But at the end of the day, it just adds on to the trainwreck that she is.

If she were more attractive, we probably wouldn't have processed the profile so much, but I also think if she were more attractive, she'd be a completely different person.

[jariel]

She did an interview about the article:

Quote:

And you thought getting picked last in gym class was mortifying. Try spending nine months on nearly every single popular dating site known to humanity and getting nothing but radio silence in return. That’s what happened to writer Patrice Bendig, 25, who spent nine months looking for love online. The Philadelphia-based writer recently shared her online dating “debacle” in a recent essay for xoJane.

Bendig talks to FLARE about the perils of modern dating, cruel commenters and her plans for online dating redemption.

Why did you decide to write about your dating life—or lack thereof? I wanted to see if other women had similar situations and wanted to get better results. I knew I couldn’t be the only person [that this had happened to]… And apparently, my online dating debacle struck a nerve. I’ve received emails and countless comments thanking me for sharing my experience. A lot of them said that my story made them feel less alone.

Why did you go online? Within the past three years since I graduated college, I moved back home, from New York City to Philadelphia. I didn’t have a social group anymore and I was really never into going out to the bars to meet people. That’s fine for some people but it’s not my style. I figured [online dating] would be a way [to meet men].

How many sites did you try? I joined eHarmony, Match.com, ChristianMingle, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish—I tried every variety.

How long were you online? About nine months. I started at the end of December-early January and just recently pulled myself off.

In your essay you said you messaged about 40 men in total. You didn’t get any replies? Out of the whole nine months, I didn’t receive more than five unsolicited messages.

Did any of them turn into dates? No. That was the thing that was really jarring. The guys who reached out to me weren’t what I was looking for—based on the 60 seconds I spent on their profile. And that’s what I learned: you only have about 60 seconds to pitch yourself.

What was wrong with them? Their interests didn’t really resonate. I wasn’t physically attracted to them. It’s not that they were bad-looking men. I’m sure they were great guys; it just wasn’t a great fit for me.

Did you reply to them? I didn’t.

Do you ever think that those guys could write the same rejection essay you did? Yes! And I would really like to hear a guy’s perspective. There were some comments on the xoJane article from guys who said they went through similar experiences… the feedback I got really changed my perception of online dating. It really made me think hard about the whole thing. Now I can see their side and how it might feel that I didn’t respond.

Would you go online again? I feel like there’s ways, tips and tricks that I have now that I could use to position myself better. I think maybe I was going about it wrong. It’s not about changing who I am, but just describing myself better. The readers had a lot of great feedback on positioning myself. My friend who wrote my profile for me meant well but I have a degree in advertising and communications, I should be able to sell myself…[the profile] didn’t paint who I really am. It didn’t explain who I am to a stranger.

But could it ever? I wonder if the whole idea that you have to have a solid brand to attract someone online is kind of flawed, too? It definitely is flawed, and I feel like no matter what I write—even if I write the best profile ever—no guy is going to get a full sense of who I am in 60 seconds. I feel like if I want to play this game, if I choose to be part of online dating, then I have to find different strategies, and I respect that as someone who works in marketing. I’m really interested in making these tweaks. I will go back to online dating and see if they do help. I’m planning to do it in the next week or so and I’m planning on sharing my results. But now I’m also really focusing on being more social in general. I’m going to more networking events. I’ve scheduled some meetup.com groups and classes on topics I enjoy. I can’t just rely on online dating and I don’t think anybody can.

What do you think was wrong with your profile? I think it doesn’t show what I’m really about. I’m not just somebody who ‘watches Netflix, likes movies, is addicted to my niece and likes my highly intelligent cat.’ As much as I love my highly intelligent cat and niece, maybe that’s something to work into the conversation [during a date].

It didn’t show that I love photography, that I love going to offbeat events like a mushroom festival, and that I like trying new brunch places around Philadelphia or that I like attending random classes that I find on Grouphot. I didn’t really share things I wanted to do with a potential boyfriend.

Were there any downsides to writing about your datelessness? There was a lot of body shaming—I was shocked. Ninety per cent of the xoJane comments were really great. But then there was the ten per cent that were really mean. For example: “She hasn’t gotten any replies because she’s fat.” “You’re fat and your profile is off-putting.” “Fat girls are revolting.” Initially those comments shook me and triggered every insecurity in my body. I watched the comments roll in, and I just sat there crying my eyes out.

What are you looking for now? I really want to meet guys and date. I’m open to anything. It’s not like I’m looking to settle down in the next year. God, no. I just want to date to find out what I like and what I don’t like. You never know when you’re going to run into the person you’re going to spend your future with.

What’s your type? I would love to date someone like Leonard from Big Bang Theory. I think he’s fantastic. I absolutely adore him. I love the cute, dorky guy who is intelligent and loves weird stuff….you know who else who would be absolutely perfect? What’s his name…the guy from How I Met Your Mother, the one married to Lily.

Jason Segel? Jason Segel! Jason Segel would be my perfect guy.

http://www.flare.com/sex-and-relationshi...te-online/

Chicks who fantasize about meeting a guy that's like someone based off a fantasy, e.g. a t.v. show, are complete red flags.

You have to meet people, and find out if the things that they are and are about are something that's going to work with you.

If you're going to judge every guy you meet relative to some t.v. character played by some guy who's likely nothing like his character, then it's easy to see why you'd be single forever, just adds to the laundry list of undesirable traits this chick has.

[CRR]

She wants to date Jason Segal?

Quick google search. He's 6'4. Here is a photo of him with his current gf:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,...04,00.html

My guess is she doesn't mean that literally (although it's hard to know with these hamsters), but she really is delusional.

Sure some guys contacted her, but she wasn't physically attracted to them. But notice how she thinks her problem was that her profile was poorly written, that is why the guys she messaged didn't contact her. People pointing out that she is fat are just body-shaming and easily dismissed.

They really live in their own little world don't they?

[aphelion]

If she took her old lame profile text and stapled it onto some pictures of a slim, mildly attractive girl, it would clear up her questions real quick about what the problem was.

[Dr. Howard]

this smells fishy. I think she got no messages back from the guy she messages because she was shooting too high...but no more than 5 unsolicited messages? bullshit. In my online dating days she would have gotten a cut and paste message from me and gone into the "I'm in sweatpants and a wife beater, come have a pbr and watch netflix on my couch" rotation that I would ping at about 11pm if I was looking to get laid with no effort.

[Redwood]

Imagined if she lost all that weight. She wouldn't be bitching.

[Tuthmosis]

Quote:

My profile photo, which used to make me feel confident about how great I looked. Now I question if I was as pretty as I felt that night.

This should serve as a lesson that "feeling" pretty isn't the same as being pretty. The former is easy, and the latter requires actual work.

Sorry fatties, but logging into your Facebook account for echo-chamber affirmations from your "friends" an attractive woman does not make.

[Soothesayer]

Highly intelligent cat? Someone should explain to that girl that the only intelligent cats are the ones with teeth as long as machetes that will rip your arm from its socket and toss it to its mate before dining on your tendons.

(stopped reading right there, btw). A woman should know her misnomers.

[CRR]

They've really eaten up fat acceptance (pun intended), internalizing that since it's ok to be fat, that being fat is taken off the table when it comes to mate selection. That plus entering the feminist echo chamber creates a false sense of reality.

In business terms, isn't that what hurts any organization? Having a bunch of yes men, ignoring what the real issues may be? The truth can be a bitter pill to swallow, but will often lead to making tough choices and turning things around.

And it would be one thing if she were looking for comparable men. But it's so easy to read between the lines with these women, same with the fat girl episode on Louis CK that was so widely praised in the femosphere.

They've convinced themselves that the qualities they want to be judged on are what men should like and can't understand what the problem is. They are not looking for a 'nice' guy. They want a Jason Segal type and cannot understand what the problem is. They view dating as completely about their interest and desires. Of course what is completely twisted, as I've stated on a few occasions, they curse men who won't date fat women but have very narrow physical standards. And few people call them on it.

I really think it is a mental disorder. It's astonishing to watch how this mentality has taken hold.

[Uzisuicide]

Rule #14 of 43 things wrong with American women:
They have standards way beyond their level of attractiveness.

[Quintus Curtius]

I see dating profiles like this with a mixture of pity and contempt.

On the one hand I pity these corpulent basket-cases because they literally have no idea how to be feminine or attractive. They are products of a degenerate culture that has fed them lies for so long, that they literally are incapable of knowing what moves men's loins. They truly seem to believe that men should care about their job and their hobbies, and that these things qualify as "attractive." I suppose we could say that their culture has betrayed them as profoundly as it has betrayed us.

On the other hand, there is a willful pattern that these women display of blocking out the truth. They refuse to improve themselves. They refuse to lose weight. They refuse to dress in an attractive way. They simply will not listen to any constructive advice. They retreat into their fantasies, and basically take themselves out of the running. Many (or most) of them would actually do well if they could just clean themselves up a bit. But by throwing in the towel and giving up, they make our job that much harder. Because now the pool of eligible, decent women has declined by that much more.

If these women could see themselves as other see them, it would be devastating.

[speakeasy]

"but I have a degree in advertising and communications, I should be able to sell myself"

I'm actually surprised though that she wasn't getting messaged daily given the terrible ratios and level of male thirst you find on these sites. I've seen women far worse than her bragging about how much attention they get online. Frankly I don't even think it's her weight or looks holding her back, maybe that would be the case in Ukraine but in America she's pretty close to completely normal. What strikes me first is she has ZERO sex appeal. Sometimes a girl can be older or chunkier than I prefer but she just knows how to flaunt it. She has nothing about her that screams femininity, charm or sexuality.

She probably was getting messages but because they were "undesirables" i.e., short guys, guys below a 7, ethnic minorities, guys more than 5 years older, they didn't count. If a woman can't find a guy there's one simple hack. Go for guys 10-15 years older.

[Black Knight]

Quote:

Online dating has made me feel more alone and rejected than ever. Because it has been such a draining experience, I made the decision to delete all of my online dating profiles, five profiles altogether.

[Parlay44]

She just needs to perfect her secret Internet fatty profile pics, get guys drunk at bar dates and suck their cocks in the car in the parking lot and her dating life would change dramatically. She might even get a call back.

[la_mode]

She had to have gotten at least 5 messages but erased them. Even the fattest women get some messages. Chances are the guys were fat themselves and she can't allow that, only she can be the fat one.

[Bobbagwell]

All the men who didn't message her deserve a fist bump. May be if men take a stand and don't fuck fatties, they will get the picture.