Quote: (12-02-2018 04:07 PM)The Lizard of Oz Wrote:
Quote: (12-01-2018 10:11 PM)Horus Wrote:
I'm jumping back on the wagon beginning 2 December 2018.
Horus, I'm very happy and relieved you're getting back on. It's the right decision and one that you will be thanking yourself for later.
As I'm sure you realize, since you did not reup when your first year ended this is a new one year wagon, rather than the second year of an ongoing one. But having just completed a first one year wagon will certainly make it easier for you this time around. Still, don't be surprised if there may be times in the months ahead when things get a little tricky. At this point, you know how to deal with that and you just need to remember to do so when the time comes.
Welcome aboard as of December 2, 2018 and I hope to hear more from you here as time goes on.
Thank you Lizard of Oz.
Indeed I realise that this is a brand new wagon. And while I looked forward to my first wagon with anxiety and even fear, I look forward to this one with excitement. Although it would have been nice to say that I'd carried on to my second year without a break as many others here have done, I made a conscious decision to break the wagon for a short time, with the intention of stepping back on, and I don't regret that decision. I didn't go too crazy - I had a total of three social beers and two solitary bottles of wine during my nine day break and I savoured every delicious moment of inebriation. But that was enough to convince me with absolute certainty that the wagon is the place I want and need to be.
Looking back, the benefits of the wagon are very difficult to define with clarity. It's not as easy as making a simple statement such as "I don't experience hangovers any more therefore I'm more productive," or "My sleep has improved therefore my mental wellbeing has improved," although both of these statements are indeed true. There's more to it that that.
If I could look ahead in time at the beginning of my first wagon and seen the improvements in my life at the end of one year, I would honestly have been pretty disappointed. I thought that at this time I would be shredded from the gym and better nutrition. I'm not, although I have lost weight, gained muscle and made progress at the gym. I thought I would have an entire shelf of books I had eagerly consumed during the hundreds of hours of extra free time. I don't, although I have found great enjoyment at the modest number of titles I would otherwise never have begun. I thought I would have made great progress in the the language I am learning. I've made nowhere near the progress I could have, but I've made a decent start. I thought I'd stick religiously to my financial plan and I'd be in a much better financial position. While my bank account is looking SIGNIFICANTLY healthier, I could have done a lot better. After reading about how the body can bounce back after years of abuse, I assumed that I'd be in excellent health. Well actually, I've nailed that one according to my doctor
![[Image: banana.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/new/banana.gif)
He's impressed.
So the assumptions I made about the benefits of the wagon were true in that there have been many concrete improvements in the direction I imagined (although not nearly to the extent). But there are other changes that are barely noticeable from day to day - subtle changes as Lizard of Oz would say - and not so easy to quantify.
Here's the thing. If I were to achieve all of the above goals by never skipping a gym day, preparing and sticking to a perfect meal plan, never allowing myself an ice cream, setting aside an hour each day to read books, setting aside another hour each day to study my language, and then add all my work responsibilities, my brain would have never had a moment's rest. And rest is what it it needed and still desperately needs. Because in the modern world we are constantly bombarded my a neverending barrage of responsibilities, information, appointments, ambitions, alarm clocks... And while none of these things are bad but rather necessary, our brains aren't designed to face all of this constantly during our every waking hour without at least some time for repose. Eventually our brains say "Enough, I'm out...... Oh, so you're unable to shut me down, to relax, to sleep? Not so easy after what you've put me through all day is it? Well there's an easy solution at the bottom of a wine glass - that will shut me down
immediately"
My first few months on the wagon were sheer hell, not because it was difficult to refrain from a drink once I'd made the commitment (although the cravings returned with vigour about six months in), but because my mind was racing and I had no idea how to keep calm. Although at first sleep was surprisingly easy, after a while it became impossible. I tried guided meditation, but I could barely sit still for ten minutes.
And then something happened. I started to sleep. And by sleep I don't mean the process of going to bed and falling unconscious for a few hours and then waking up neither wanting to stay in bed nor get up to face the day. I mean the kind of deep restorative sleep where you calmly seek refuge in your bed, and then slowly re-emerge to the world with the delicious remnants of an incoherent dream, before composedly preparing for the day ahead.
My girlfriend told me I was much more patient with her than before. People around me at work and in my personal life seemed to enjoy my company more, and seemed to both seek me out more often for conversation and to be receptive to what I was saying. Perhaps I was becoming a nicer person. I began to take more care with work tasks. At the end of the work day, rather than leaving unfinished work at home time and running out the door, I would take time to put things in order for the next day.
There are lots of little things like this, subtle things, that I could list. Sleep was the big change. And these little changes would not have been possible without sleep. And quality sleep with not have been possible with alcohol. I'm not sure exactly how they are interconnected, but they are all part of a puzzle I'm only beginning to reassemble. And the changes come so slowly that they are barely noticeable unless you take time to reflect.
A few months ago, I was cleaning the inside of my oven. This is on the list of everyone's most hated chores and something nobody looks forward to doing. After an hour of painstakingly removing every inch of grime from every inaccessible corner of the oven, with no music or podcasts in the background, I began to realise that I was actually enjoying the task, and taking pleasure in the accomplishment of transforming the inside of the oven. This was surprising to me since this is usually the kind of task I can do for no more than ten minutes before quitting in frustration. This would NEVER have been possible a short time ago. And yet here I was, happily performing a menial task I usually pay some sucker to do. Perhaps I had discovered my own form of meditation? The best word I can describe for how a felt at that time is tranquility.
And as soon as I reintroduced a small amount of alcohol during my wagon break, that tranquility was shattered. In the very short time it has been back in my life, my sleep has been fitful and disturbed, I've been impatient with myself and others. Worst of all I'm experiencing an extremely unpleasant sense of emptiness and hopelessness deep in the pit of my stomach. It's astounding to me that such a short time off the wagon and such a small amount could produce this kind of reaction. Perhaps this is how I experienced life before the wagon - it was probably much worse.
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The last thing I would say for anyone considering the wagon, don't think about it too much and just do it. You'll probably fail. Dust yourself off and try again. There's a good chance you will fall a second time. Again, don't think too much about it and don't allow yourself to to become disheartened.
But the whole time you are thinking about it, attempting it, and when you're failing, read this thread. This thread is a truly astounding resource. It's amazing to me that a forum originally dedicated to banging chicks has produced something like this, an ever expanding compendium of wisdom, with incredible contributions from Lizard of Oz, Tokyo Joe, komatiite and many others. By comparison, have a look at some of the forums DEDICATED to this topic, and you'll see a never ending list of posts saying "OMG, my life sucks, I started drinking after 2 days, my life is soooo baaaaad," with a list of responses along the lines of "OMGeeee me tooooo,"..... Nothing remotely worth reading or involving yourself with.
Keep trying and KEEP READING. You'll understand a lot of it and you'll be able to connect it with your own experience. You'll roll your eyes at some of Lizard of Oz's advice, only to read it again a few months later and nod your head. But just read and keep trying. Because while you're going through this process, you're brain is processing everything in the background, so that eventually it will
make sense and you'll know exactly what you have to do. Something will just click, and when it does you'll know exactly what I mean. It takes a little time.
