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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-13-2017, 06:49 PM
@Genghis Khan. This is a good post. Yes I was surprised and also not surprised at the same time. My mistake is that after living for almost three years with my girlfriend, I gradually stopped ignoring her multiple refusals and negativity when I'd approach her for sex. I'd comply with her refusals, which would sometimes by the way really turn me off and kill my mood. Why? Many reasons. Because at the beginning, when we realized that our libido was very different, there were many serious conversations where she told me that she didn't have the energy to have sex more than 1-2 times a week and that she'd feel pressured to have sex with me when I'd approach her. As it was the first time I was living with someone I didn't really know how to handle the situation back then. I wanted to respect my partner but get sex frequently at the same time. I'd approach her every day in a spontaneous way, getting turn down often immediately, facing a lot of shit tests. 1-2 times a week she'd comply, wouldn't say anything when I'd approach. We'd do long foreplay and we'd have sex. Sometimes, great sex. Other times, I'd be persistent and get sex, but gradually these times took a toll on me and I got fed up with all the negativity when approaching. Gradually, I started to approach her less, which was a mistake. The resentment started to build up.
Here's some typical example similar with what would happen too often. It's saturday afternoon at our appartment. I'm at my office and she is reading a novel on the couch. I approach her without saying anything slowly and start kissing her neck. Boom it starts : ''You want to make love again'', rolls eyes, ''I'm tired, we made love yesterday.'', ''You pressure me too much, it stresses me'', ''Again, you want your orgasm.'' This got to a point last year where I would only want to hug her casually but she'd immediately become on the defensive thinking I'd want sex. All of that was very insidious and sometimes inconsistant, but it accumulated.
We'd get back from the restaurant on Friday night, we'd just have taken our shoes off, I'd go towards her to try touch/kiss her passionately and there we go. ''You pressure me too much, it stresses me'' blablabla
She used to have very high and unrealistic expectations of spontaneity but it got better the last two years. I will not go into all the details.
About the lube... On the rare occasions where I take it beforehand and place it somewhere in anticipation of sex outside the bedroom, I NEVER show it to her. I know my girlfriend, and the lube bottle is usually a turn off for her but sometimes we have to use it. If we have to use it, I usually it use in the most subtle way I can and often will not even see the bottle. I think that the way I use lube is of minor significance because we don't use it all that often, and when we have to, I use it tactfully.
I try to be spontaneous and smooth and we can probably always be smoother and think of new situations to be more spontaneous. It's important to be auto-critical and to be able to have introspection. But honestly this woman makes it VERY difficult. Even though it's the first time I live with a woman, I've had two serious LTR before, and a couple of mini-relationships and trust me she is a difficult case.
The sex therapist lent my girlfriend ''the secret garden''. She read it and she was tremendously aroused by some stories. She didn't want to tell me which ones. I plan to get the book and read it.
Hopefully, things got suddenly much better this week and I didn't expect that. The power is now in my hands. I'll update later.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-18-2017, 09:08 PM
Let's ask this question
Do girls realllly lack sex drive, or do they lack sex drive for the right guy ?
All these men with girls with bad sex drives
Do you think they have a bad sex drive around Brad Pitt ?
I am of the opinion the most christian shy modest prude will fuck a high LMS man in the backseat of his car on the first night no questions asks.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-18-2017, 09:39 PM
Quote: (05-18-2017 09:08 PM)B-Nut Wrote:
Let's ask this question
Do girls realllly lack sex drive, or do they lack sex drive for the right guy ?
All these men with girls with bad sex drives
Do you think they have a bad sex drive around Brad Pitt ?
I am of the opinion the most christian shy modest prude will fuck a high LMS man in the backseat of his car on the first night no questions asks.
A woman raised free-range with no impediments to her sexuality would, sure, but there are a lot of mentally defective women out there that are terrified of sex to some degree, often due to social factors or life events such as being raped or molested. I was with a girl once for whom sex was incredibly painful, and it would have been painful for her whether she was fucking Brad Pitt or Michael Moore. Other girls having had bad experiences with sex are uncomfortable with it but slightly more uncomfortable with being alone. Hence the relationship with reluctant fucking.
The public will judge a man by what he lifts, but those close to him will judge him by what he carries.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-19-2017, 01:11 AM
OP, are your balls still firmly in her purse or has she let you play with them? An update please.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-20-2017, 05:02 PM
Update:
Basically, last week I told my girlfriend the following. It was a bit radical (I'm usually nice) but at that point I was ready to walk away from the relationship:
''If you deny me sex one more time without a good excuse, I'll break up with you. I don't care if it's tomorrow or in two years. When I approach you to initiate sex from now on, I don't want hear any negative comments anymore. I want you to stay silent and to let me seduce you and arouse you so we can have good sex. I don't care if you have a headache, you're little bit tired or don't feel like it, you'll make an effort. If you don't, I will not make an effort to inhibit myself with other women around me and you'll loose my fidelity (she knows that because of social circle/work I have many opportunities). Remember that. If you don't agree, the relationship is over and I'm leaving.''
She agreed and said she doesn't want the relationship to end. Well, in the last 13 days, we had sex everyday except for three separate days (busy with work, obligations during the evening, etc.). This is by far the most since we are living together.
Surprisingly, the sex was good almost every time. I took the time to arouse her, doing attentive foreplay and it went well. She didn't loose focus/disconnect while having sex like it often used to happen.
She's making a lot of efforts to get to know her body better and to have better sex lately. All was accelarated. Yesterday, she herself initiated sex, which is almost unheard of.
The relationship is doing really great overall now and my resentment is minimal, almost non-existant.
We'll see how it will go in the next few months.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-21-2017, 12:38 AM
Great news.
If she accepts that fucking is going to happen then she'll be much more pro-active about moulding it in a way that works for her. That's probably why she initiated for the first time in a while. Her body is going to recognise that sex is going to happen one way or another so she's going to want to seize the moment when she's most receptive to it rather than wait for it to happen when she's tired or wired or whatever.
Great work, Lerm.
The public will judge a man by what he lifts, but those close to him will judge him by what he carries.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-21-2017, 03:04 AM
^Which Lerm can opt out of whenever he likes on his own terms.
There are arguable benefits in the long term, here. She has submitted on a conscious level. That means he'll be fucking her whether she enjoys it or not. He made that abundantly clear to her.
Meanwhile, if you start a relationship with a girl who loves the dick and then she sours to it for some reason (unfortunately this can happen after the birth of one or several children) then she will make it abundantly clear that sex was ok when she was getting off but now that she's dried up it's not going to happen.
And if you have kids by that point then you're royally fucked.
Lerm's girl knows the score now and she'll know it ten years and three kids from now as long as he reminds her from time to time.
The public will judge a man by what he lifts, but those close to him will judge him by what he carries.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-21-2017, 11:09 AM
Here's [hopefully] a non-thread-jacking question about the converse scenario:
If a man in a LTR is turning down sex more than a few times, is he committing the same level of "LTR-sin" as a girl who is turning down her man more than a few times?
Hypothetical scenario:
- man in a particularly busy season (new ventures, deep flow), works at home so a little less work/life separation, etc.
- girl always sexually available and otherwise nailing LTR duties
- girl attempts to seduce / "beg" for sex, but gracefully understands when her man ultimately won't give in at the time
- girl content to hang by and get into her own reading / work (as opposed to acting resentful or going out)
- man bangs the hell out of her a few days later (she's coming multiple times, her thirst slaked)
- so quality is high but frequency declines in this hypothetical busy phase
If the roles were reversed, I'd advise man to demote this girl in his eyes; you can't negotiate desire, she clearly isn't THAT into it physically, etc.
But if it's the man whose being less sexually available (but for hopefully good reasons, not "secretly wants to end things" reasons), is he being as awful and frigid as a girl who isn't keeping her man satisfied at the desired frequency?
(My thought is "no", as the man's commitment and love can be considered on par with the woman's sex and commitment per the usual thinking around here, thus his "offense" is less serious. Though as a man I am biased.)
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-21-2017, 03:27 PM
Good read, this thread...
Start with the old story of, beautiful woman, shit in the bedroom.
Many of us have lived this one. Sure, the fucking hottie that turns
every head in the room, being on your arm? Gives us a shot of always
welcome ego-boost. It feels GOOD!
Still, that chick who is a couple rungs lower on the hotness ladder, who when
she is fucking you, makes you feel like King Kong? Those chicks are a blast to
be with..
Serious gold was dropped earlier by PapayaTapper, Leonard D, and Aneroid Ocean.
Props fellas..
And keep rockin' OP. Maybe in a few months you will write, telling us how you are really getting tired of fucking this girl????
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
05-24-2017, 11:32 PM
1. Overt Ultimatum: OP's "game" is this, one of the most toxic types. Comply, or else. Love in view of the barrel of your loaded gun. As written about it by the elders over many years, the Ultimatum is the negotiating technique of somebody who has already lost.
2. Negotiated Desire: there is more negotiating going on here than at a 1980s Geneva USA-Soviet cold war summit. Fear is the toxic driver of this sexual relationship, not desire. OP is hellbent to force the desire, but any "success" is pyrrhic and temporary.
Don't get me wrong. OP, I read (all the 34000 words) you are a good, capable operator. It is just that you have the right overall game, but the wrong woman. She is not fixable. And as an older guy than you, I can tell you that your time is much more valuable than any - absolutely any - girl out there. You owe it to yourself to respect your very limited time. You will miss the lost time when you're older. Replace works much better than repair.
One last word: Every single rejection by this princess is cutting deep down into your self-confidence, creepingly and unnoticeably, ever so slightly. No man is immune against it. Eventually you will doubt yourself, and your abilities. You are paying a price for this pussy. With your soul.
My vote: Eject.
PS: "If a man with the ability to play out a black thug rape fantasy cannot make it work, no man can make it work." (Maxim number __)
“A deception that elevates us is dearer than a host of low truths.”
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
01-06-2018, 09:48 PM
I wanted to update the thread, now that about eight months have past since my initial post and break up attempt. I'm still with my girlfriend and we still live together. Since May, she has never sexually rejected me anymore. She has never said that she is too tired or not in the mood when I start kissing/touching her and initiate sex at home. She lets herself being touched and kissed without expressing any negativity like she used to do sometimes before. She gets aroused and just abandons herself to me.
The sex is good, she is getting more comfortable with her body/sexuality (although it might never be on the level of some women). We make love almost everyday, sometimes now twice a day. She gives me blowjobs on command and now swallows (she didn't want to swallow before May). Against all odds, the overall relationship is better than ever. After the talk and the ultimatum, I thought that it was going to fall apart (negotiated desire, etc). Surprisingly, it has not. Maybe it will in the future, although it seems unlikely right now. I'm very satisfied with the relationship. We are closer to eachother now. She understands that making love is not only for me a physical release and need, but also a way of bonding and connecting. The more I make love to her, to more I feel emotionally connected to her and the better the relationship. I'll do more things for her (comfort game) but I'm careful not to go too far. It's about finding the right balance. She has completely sexually submitted to me. It's as if her brain had somehow been rebooted because of the fear of the break-up.
There are also less arguments since May in general in the relationship, although it wasn't a problem before.
I won't go into details about how the following came up, it would be too long, but long story short, she visited her family abroad for some weeks this summer and we agreed that it was okay and meaningless if I had protected sex with other women outside our social circle while she was away. It was unilateral, she wasn't allowed to do anything with someone else. I ended up banging four girls and getting a blowjob by a fifth one (the fifth one swallowed my cum on the first day we met... my girlfriend didn't swallow for 4 year and a half... one of the others swallowed my cum the next morning after a ONS from the bar...). Although it reminded me that I can get laid quickly (mostly thanks to looks, height, an athletic body and boldness, my game not being very sophisticated) and to sexually satisfy a woman who is comfortable with her own sexuality, it also reminded me that this lifestyle of chasing and banging multiple women is not fulfilling for me. Also, I don't have the thirst to be with other women when my girlfriend is here.
The sex itself was good though with the four girls. Way better than jacking off to some porn when your girlfriend is away. It also reminded me how firm and bold I used to be (and still can be) when picking up women during night game and how I had gone soft over the course of my long term relationship. Lastly, those four women were all more sexually comfortable, animalistic and physical than my girlfriend in a way. They were some kind of raging sluts thirsty for a dick. One of them, a former college athlete with pierced tits, was particularly slutty and sexually emancipated ... I'll always remember how after a few minutes of penetration she hit the wall screaming loudly ''I'm gonna cum!'' and had some kind of monstruous vaginal orgasm I hadn't seen in years... Being many years with my girlfriend, I had almost in a way forgot about those. My girlfriend remains someone who is relatively shy with a passive character and it reflects on her sexuality. She probably will never be on the level like the four women I had sex with, but I don't need that in the moment and I remain sexually satisfied overall. I think she'd be a good wife and good mother.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
01-07-2018, 05:29 PM
@Lermontov
Woah, great update.
Read everything and that's awesome that you can now save this relationship and is turning out better than ever.
I got some questions for you...and thanks for the update, reading these case studies help a lot.
1. Do you think you could have done what you did such as attempting to break off maybe 6 months or 1 year into the relationship rather than several years later? Do you think it could would have turned out the same or she would have walked away since there wasn't enough time invested on her part?
2. Did you ever thought of having an relationship where you can sleep around when you want and still have your girlfriend as a main girl? For example, you sleep with new girl every month and have sex with her maybe couple times, but it's for short-term and you are sleeping with your main girl most of the time and the girl knows about this. (These types of relationship is surprisingly becoming popular recently and you don't get bored of fucking the same girl over and over again...which can actually help the relationship that you have as you are able to keep it going with your main.)
"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
- Heat
"That's the difference between you and me. You wanna lose small, I wanna win big."
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
01-07-2018, 10:19 PM
So many adjectives, so may words. Yet somehow so vapid.
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Living with girlfriend who was a virgin - LTR problems/sexlife
01-07-2018, 10:25 PM
I was with a girl like that. She wouldnt give me sex no matter what I did. She only wanted to have sex if she absolutely "felt" she "loved" me enough for it. I never understood it. I told her that I was going to cheat on her ass if she didnt give me what I wanted and she said "Go ahead, one day im going to find someone who I really love and ill have sex with".