Why Hasn't Game Worked?
02-17-2017, 11:13 AM
Alright guys, I want to make another major post here... It's not an "update" per se, because not much has happened since the last one. But I want to talk about where I am, generally, and where to go from here.
It's been almost 3 years since I posted my original 3000-Approach-Troll introduction. I still remember sitting there, on the edge of my seat, wondering if I'd get banned before I had the chance to say it's really real. I remember the props I got, once you all realized it was real. I remember applying for the jobs in China, and announcing I was moving, and all the moral support you gave me in my quest. Good times.
And I definitely feel like I'm a "different person." Obviously I'm still me, but the way I think about all this is very different. I now know that dating is possible. Sex is possible. From attractive girls. I haven't thought about suicide since I first moved here, 2 and a half years ago. I haven't been depressed at all. Whenever I feel the slightest depressive feeling coming on, I realize that I'm living in the "land of opportunity", where people respect me and want to hire me, where girls consider me a candidate for romance, where random people walk up to me on the street to take selfies with me because I'm some kind of celebrity. I feel the ability to take charge of life, and make things happen, which, for whatever reason, I didn't feel in the USA.
But at the same time, I don't feel like I've made THAT much progress, specifically in the realm of women, dating, and sex. Sure, I have a full-time job for the first time in my life, and I've held onto it for over a year. That's an accomplishment. I dated several girls, and had sex with a few of them. That's an accomplishment. I've climbed mountains (literally). All this stuff makes me feel powerful, effective, potent, and free. I feel like a man.
But I still haven't had a satisfying sexual experience.
Speaking in purely anatomical terms, I've had sex about 15 times. That's about a dozen times with Rich Girl, and 3 times with Russian Girl. I also slept with Filipina Girl, for 2 months straight, and made out with her, but we didn't have sex because she's saving that for marriage.
That's not much, man.
15 times in 2 and a half years? Sure, 3 years ago I would have been thrilled that it's possible. But knowing something is POSSIBLE isn't the same thing as actually experiencing it. And for all intents and purposes, I don't feel like I've had sex.
I still feel like a virgin.
Granted, a virgin who knows he CAN have sex, and is confident in himself. But a virgin nonetheless.
Even those 15 times weren't fun. I wasn't relaxed. I wasn't into it. I was still stuck way up in my cerebrum, thinking in analytical terms about the correct way to do it, the appropriate moment to touch her, the right place to touch her, the right amount of pressure to put on her skin, the correct angle and direction to move my hand once it's touching, the right time to put my dick in, the correct speed, how to gradually increase the intensity of thrusting so it builds in a kind of crescendo like a good movie, the right things to say, the right volume to say it at, which positions to use in which order, whether or not I should play with her tits DURING fucking or just before it, how long to fuck before allowing myself to cum, and so on.
When you're thinking, you're not in the part of your brain that deals with sex. I did not have fun. The experiences were mildly pleasurable. There was a bit of pleasure. I compare it to one of those head-scratcher thingies that you see sold at kiosks in malls - you know the things with the bendable metal tentacles that you use to massage your scalp, and they're like $19.99? Those things produce a sensation of mild pleasure. And that's about the level of pleasure that my sexual experiences produced for me.
And when you weigh that very small pleasure against the massive amount of thinking and calculating and analyzing and brain-power that I was using to navigate the experience, it almost seems like it wasn't worth it. In fact, none of the experiences were anything that I would have liked to repeat. If I had the chance to re-live any of those experiences, I would say no. They were like doing calculus homework, or doing air traffic control. No thank you. The mild tickle of pleasure wasn't worth it.
So.... like.... why? What's going on?
Just to get this out of the way, I HAVE thought about the possibility that it's because of let's say, a different "orientation." But there's a major flaw in that explanation. In order to be homosexual, you have to be attracted to men. And I'm not. There has not been one man, that I've ever seen, that I thought "damn, I'd like to get me a piece of that." Not one. Not in my whole life. Not while drunk, not while high, not while tripping, not once, not ever. And I'm extremely attracted to women. To the point of building my entire life around overcoming the inability to get with them. I remember, back in high school, a really hot girl walking by my desk, and since it was a crowded room, she stood there for several seconds... and just being so close to her gave me an erection, and I had it for the rest of the class, and when she walked by me again, I almost had an orgasm. I remember in college, staring at another really hot girl for an entire class period, almost creaming in my pants, and then running (literally) back to my dorm as soon as the bell rang, to masturbate to her image. I remember ACTUALLY having an orgasm by sitting next to an extremely hot chick on the bus. This type of stuff happened ALL THE TIME in college. It drove me crazy. It's obvious that my orientation is not the issue here.
So what the hell is it?
Another explanation: My partners just weren't right. I had very little in common with Rich Girl. Almost nothing, actually. There wasn't chemistry. We didn't "hit it off." It was nothing like that. It was just a matter of her wanting to see what dating a foreigner was like... and me wanting to see what dating a PERSON was like... so we did. I remember caressing her hot body, thinking to myself "Gosh, I'm sooooo fucking cool." And she was probably thinking something similar. But there was no connection - neither emotional nor physical. We did the act, anatomically speaking, but there wasn't much emotion or chemistry behind it.
Same thing for Filipina Girl. She was lonely in Bangkok. She was inexperienced at dating. We were happier together than apart. So added to each other's lives, more than we subtracted. So it was logical for us to stick together, for a little while. But again, no chemistry.
Then, with Russian Girl, there was more connection, A LOT more. I connected with her in a way that was LEAGUES beyond any of the others. However... the connection was spiritual, and emotional - but not PHYSICAL. It had 2 of the 3.
What are they called... umm... Agape... Philos... Eros...
With Rich Girl and Filipina Girl, I had Philos.
With Russian Girl, I had Philos and Agape.
But I haven't experienced Eros with anyone. Ever.
I mean, I've experienced one-sided eros, with me attracted to them. But never a mutual erotic experience.
So I'm looking for another partner (obviously). But I've lost confidence - not in MY ability to GET a partner, but in a partner's ability to SATISFY me. I look at the chicks around me, and here's what I think, my inner dialogue:
"She looks nice. She's pretty hot. Nice figure. Cute. Decent style."
"Yea, but she has nothing in common with me. If I got with her, it would be the same story as before. A warm body, multi-variant calculus homework, no passion, and friendly breakup after a few weeks."
"Yea but it's better than NOTHING, isn't it?"
"Well yea, that's true. I am happier when I have a girlfriend, there's no doubt about that, but tell me this, inner self: Why HER? Like why THIS girl, specifically?"
"Does it matter? If she improves my life, then why worry?"
"Because I need to put effort into her. I can't just roll up and be like, hey, let's go to my place and fuck baby! There's COURTSHIP involved. This isn't an Anglo country - this is Asia. China. The red one. One of the most traditional countries remaining on Earth. They still do courtship here. I've got to take her on dates and stuff like that. Getting a girlfriend here isn't just a matter of rolling up to the club with bling and spitting game, and then taking her home and banging - it's a process."
"So do the process then."
"Sure, I'm willing to do the process, I have no problem with taking a girl out to dinner, spending some money (I have some of that stuff now), and sending smiley emojis and heart emojis to her on messenger several times a day. I did that with the others. I'm fine with that."
"So what's the problem?"
"The problem is I obviously can't do that with more than one girl at a time. I mean, there are only 7 nights in a week, and I'm not taking 7 girls out, one each night of the week. How am I going to keep track of them all? How am I supposed to juggle romance with a bunch of girls all at the same time? My messenger app would be fucking unmanageable. Beeping every 2 minutes, from a bunch of girls all sending me emojis. It would be fucking stressful as fuck! And what do I say when they ask me why I'm not available on Thursday? Do I say it's because I have a date with another girl? And another, and another? This is crazy."
"Ok, so then just date ONE girl. What's so bad about that?"
"Fine, but WHICH fucking girl do I date?"
"Any!"
"That's not an answer."
"Ok, date whatsername. The one who I met at that bar that time, that I took to that restaurant near the university."
"Why? What reason? What do I have in common with her?"
"Well, she likes fish. And rice. And I like fish and rice too. What could go wrong?"
"That is NOT enough commonality to date someone - to invest time, money, energy, and hope for a relationship. Haven't my past unsatisfying relationships proven that I need more in common with someone, or else the whole thing is barely even worth it?"
"Hmmm.... that's a good point."
"So, what now?"
"I dunno. You got me. Let's ask the ROK dudes."
Guys, what do I do? And I'm asking this in the most basic, fundamental level possible. This isn't a question about game. This is a question about, like... what the fuck is romance? What the fuck is sex?
Do I look for girls around me, and find the best one in my immediate vicinity?
Do I look for qualities that I enjoy, and find a girl who matches them?
Do I discern which girl is interested IN ME, and just take what I get?
Do I put ads on dating sites, with a global match capability, looking for my one true soulmate?
Do I chop the head off a chicken, and date whichever girl the chicken drops nearest to?
I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do.
3 years ago, I knew what I wanted, and it was just a matter of HOW.
I wanted to reduce the distance between my skin and the skin of females, ultimately to a value of zero. And I couldn't fucking figure out how to do it. Then I moved over here, and over a course of a couple of years, I've now developed the confidence in my ability to do that.
So the problem is no longer a HOW question - it's become a WHAT question.
I don't know WHAT to do.
And to tell you the truth, I'm starting to go a little off my rocker again. It's not as bad as 3 years ago - I'm not contemplating going Rodger. Nothing like that at all. But I'm starting to have MGTOW-type thoughts. Sometimes I think about just ditching women altogether, ditching romance, dating, and sex altogether, and just being kind of asexual. Maybe if I never ever think about sex, it will just go away.
And this thinking breaks my heart every time I think it. I don't want to do that. It's pathetic. It's quitting. Not just quitting some inconsequential hobby, but giving up the one, central, most important aspect of being human, of being alive. If sexuality disappears, then what the fuck is a person even alive for? Fuck that.
It's also impossible to do that. Sex never goes away. Repression doesn't eliminate it - it just makes it darker and more twisted.
MGTOW is not an option. It's retarded. It's the most absurd shit in the world. A proton will NEVER stop seeking an electron.
But I got no clue what to do.
I'm not asking you to solve my problems... but if you have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated. Don't hold back.
Thanks again.