Quote: (07-04-2018 12:58 PM)TheDuncan Wrote:
We argue and it always goes back to the same shit a few weeks or months later, says I dont show emotions and no affection, that supposedly I get spoiled while she doesnt, goddamn this is annoying and the more it goes on the more im about to pick up and leave her ass, any advise on this? She also plays the victim card about her parents and ex’s not giving attention either. (Honestly her parents were fucked up, I can confirm) but how is that my fault?
I dont want to leave her, she is a good woman and supports me in all I do, other than that its a good relationship (2 years so far..)
Bout to say fuck it man..
So, some serious LTR-game thoughts.
PREAMBLE
I agree with other posters that affection is probably code for attention. First off think of the positive - if she's bringing this up to you and not launching a breakup conversation, at least part of her wants this to work and is trying to ask for what she wants.
That said, if you dig this gal and have a good functional relationship going besides this repeated topic, I'd advise you take her at good faith that some basic, non-sexual need is not being met for her. You can assume it's nonsense chick drama, but you'll never get anywhere towards solving the problem that way, so unless you're ready to write the thing off right now, get in a positive head space because she needs you to lead her to better.
IOW it's totally in your interest to make a game-aware (not supplicating) but real effort to address her complaints, then see how things are. If it doesn't work out, you at least know you made a good effort and that's a manly thing you can take pride in.
GAME PRINCIPLES AND APPLICATIONS
Now, it's important to understand that "not getting enough affection" may not be what she's REALLY concerned about, just that's how she's phrasing/expressing it (just as if she's complaining your place isn't clean, probably something else is bothering her and it's emotionally manifesting as nesting instinct), so it may not be about foot rubs or sexy time per se. I would try to glean from her specific examples or memories when she says she felt "affection" from you.
You might take a look at the
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages, in particular noting the one or two ways she tends to try to show affection to you because that's probably how she expects to receive it. There's some Oprah-psychobabble in here, but it's a good guide to thinking about how someone's intentions influence their behavior.
If her parents are fucked up and/or she's had damaging relationships, she may have a hair trigger or low emotional "tank" for withdrawal of affection/attention - seeing any bit of that from you as part of a long continuous story starring her versus these other people and you are a coconspirator. (If this is the case, attempts at dread game could backfire spectacularly.) BUT that doesn't mean she gets to play the victim card like you say - you are not her parents or her ex and you can only provide what you can provide.
Typically when a girl says you "don't show emotion" there's some degree of "I don't think you care about me." You may want to show some kind of re-up/re-tune on the investment. That doesn't mean she wants the inside view of your emotional system. Key word here is SHOW - guys read this wrong and start TELLING her their feelings and it just totally kills the attraction.
Another game principle involved here is that some part of her expects you to be a mind-reader and not need to be "told" to change your behavior. If you've ever read writings by urban feminist women (a la the Atlantic) who wish their men were more dominant towards them, you will easily recall the constant paradox of "well I want him to take charge but if I TELL him to take charge then he's not really taking charge..." So you have to look like you aren't really responding directly to her request, just being more of the man she "expects."
RECAP
- Don't take her hyperbole seriously, but take the problem seriously.
- Complaints about affection are almost certainly about her perceptions of attention or emotional investment.
- There's probably one or two "buttons" you can hit that would significantly improve her attitude.
- You can't expect a "tell me what to do" fix - you need to discover what she means by "affection" via observation and some indirect querying and then provide it without looking like you are just giving in to whatever she asks you for
DENOUMENT
On the other hand from all of this, there's a chance you two may not be compatible in how much attention/affection you expect to exchange with your partner. Or she might have emotional problems you can't fix.
(It somehow feels blue-pill writing some of this, but if she's giving you what you need, try to give her what she needs - if you don't need to emasculate yourself to do it, that's a red-pill-compatible exchange. If it was some barfly you'd been hooking up with 100% ditch her and find someone less needy but if a modest effort here can prolong a highly positive relationship, then it is worth the effort.)