[chvrches]

So a quick backstory. I grew up in a very strict home, and my dad used to beat us and have us stay away from video games, and was very tough about school etc. When we got bad grades he would take away our phones, the internet and have us grounded. So for that reason back then i never actually developed a good relationship with him. I saw his punishment as harsh and unnecessary, and not as he just wanted the best for his children.

Fast forward till today. I moved out from home this year and my sister had moved out a year ago. So now it's just my dad and mom alone at home. I rarely talk to my dad, it's usually just a once a week call where he asks if everything is going well and if i need some money, and it lasts no more than 1 minute. I grew up envying the kids with supportive dads, that went to see their football matches, or went to hang out, or showed interest for their sons hobbies. Mine wasn't like this. His dad died while he was 10, so i guess he never had a father figure growing up, and therefor didn't know how to handle all of this.

Today he called me and asked if he can drive over to my place to talk, and that he wants to spend time with me. Mind you, this never ever happened before in my life, our egos always clashed and we never spent time together. We always fought. So i was wondering if something was wrong.

He told me this. "I don't know how to tell you this, something has been on my mind for a long time and it's seriously bugging me. It's bugging me to the point that im getting depressed over it. I don't feel like your mom is showing me affection. She doesn't care about me as she used to, and even though i do everything for her, she doesn't seem to recognize it. I don't have anyone to talk to, so i am hoping for your help."

I said, dad, this is a part of life, you're 50 years old, your time is up. You've had attention and affection and everything when you were young. And he looked at me and said something that saddened me. He said "even though i am 50, i don't feel like it, i feel like im still young and can experience a lot of things. I used to be good with girls and get all the attention, and have people and friends ask about me all the time, but now nobody speaks to me or shows me affection. It's like nobody cares, not even the few friends i have. I know this is weird for you to hear, but i haven't had any female connection for forever. I wish i could talk to girls and go out and travel and explore new things, without your mom getting in the way. While i fantasize so much about having a relationship with another woman, thinking about your mom holds me back. I don't want to make her sad, and i don't want to throw away my whole life for an affair. I truly don't know what to do. Your mom would get sad even if i just get a female friend to talk to. And i have a family, i can't be seen around with another woman, what would people think?"

This is the first time ever my dad and i spoke about something this deep, and i really do wanna help him, but im not sure how? He's 50 and i know a lot of you are in your 40's here and married. How can i help my dad get over these thoughts? Or possible have him get a little taste of what it's like being young again? I don't think he's talking about just sex etc, i think he just misses female company. He says he misses a girl that shows she cares about him, and that he's important for her and gives him the feeling that he's "desired". I believe he's talking about the romance and feelings part of the spectrum. But i could be wrong.

He says he envies me, and that he sometimes wish he was born in another timeline, or that he could go back in time and experience everything all over again. My dad got married at 26 and my mom was his first and only woman he has ever been with. I believe he wants a taste of what it's like to be alive again. I was never there for my dad, and grew up my teenage years "hating him" because all he did was punish me, and only realized years later, that he did it with a good intention. I'm happy for what kind of person i am today, and i feel like i owe my dad something. I never made his life easy and as his only son, he just wanted to be proud, but i always was the black sheep in the family and couldn't give him what he wanted... This makes me so sad, that i want to do this one thing for him. Just help him out of this situation...

[YoungBlade]

You don't. His time is past. He made you. Carry the torch.

[AneroidOcean]

(04-12-2018 03:37 PM)chvrches Wrote:  

He says he envies me, and that he sometimes wish he was born in another timeline, or that he could go back in time and experience everything all over again. My dad got married at 26 and my mom was his first and only woman he has ever been with. I believe he wants a taste of what it's like to be alive again. I was never there for my dad, and grew up my teenage years "hating him" because all he did was punish me, and only realized years later, that he did it with a good intention. I'm happy for what kind of person i am today, and i feel like i owe my dad something. I never made his life easy and as his only son, he just wanted to be proud, but i always was the black sheep in the family and couldn't give him what he wanted... This makes me so sad, that i want to do this one thing for him. Just help him out of this situation...

Not even sure where to start with this, but your dad IS young. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, nowadays he could live 20-40 years longer.

Above all, it sounds like you're willing to have a relationship with your dad and I think he is probably interested in having one with you (not just asking for your help but because he was reaching out to you). As someone who has lost family members who came around wanting to spend time with them and didn't spend as much time with them as I wish I could have, let me tell you, spend time with him.

Whether you are able to help him with this or not, spend quality time together, this is one of the best times that you can do it. Imagine that you can give him this happiness of knowing that you had a hard time with his parenting but that you are ultimately grateful for it and that he was not a "bad" father. You can gain a whole lot by forging an adult relationship with your dad now that you are not just his son but a grown man. You can talk about a lot more and let go of the frustrations you had before because of your changed relationship.

This is an opportunity for you both to gain from. If you ever choose to have kids this will also benefit them as you will be a much stronger father. I really encourage you to forge a strong relationship and make some lasting memories that you will be fond of because one day he will not longer be there.

As for helping him with game, I think you need to help him with being around people socially (and that includes females). Encourage him to be active and do things and ALSO to use some game on your mom. You can travel with your dad and do some fun things and your mom can't resent him for spending quality time with his son and maybe she will miss him and some level of affection can be regained.

Tell your dad you appreciate him reaching out to you and trying to continue being a part of your life. Let him help you, because he wants to and it will make him proud to help you help yourself.

Good luck.

[LINUX]

Quote:

When we got bad grades he would take away our phones, the internet and have us grounded. So for that reason back then i never actually developed a good relationship with him. I saw his punishment as harsh and unnecessary, and not as he just wanted the best for his children.

Take a look at your words, this is the modern-day millennial victim mentality. “I made poor grade so my father took away my cell phone and internet which was so harsh and unnecessary.”

Your dad needs to ask someone else. There is no way you’re ready to give life advice when you’re still bitter over getting your internet taken away as a child. You only have one father , you need to figure out what matters and what doesn’t before he passes.

[LeBaron]

Tell him to create an account here

[Gray Beard]

Personally, I had a very close relationship with my dad, so I cannot give you experience-based advice how to seize the opportunity he gave you to have a good relationship with him now, but please ignore any advice to let go of the opportunity you got to repair your relationship with him. If you don't give it your best shot, you may live to regret it later. Your post already suggests that you don't want to lose this opportunity, so perhaps I am barging through an open door. Now, if I read between the lines correctly, it is likely that your parents marriage is sexless. There is a book frequently discussed on this forum that your father may learn something from: Athol Kay, The Married Man Sex Life Primer. I think the book is at least 50% blue pill, although it is supposed to be red pill. Be that as it may, by what you tell us, for your dad, even 50% red pill is plenty for starters. Check it out.

[tobehero]

Sounds like what happens with athletes when they retire. Need to fill that void with something else.
Your Dad needs to focus on the good parts - what he did right in his life not so much regret and be realistic --- he's 50!

[Paracelsus]

Your father needs to develop sufficient balls to actually tell your mother that he is not getting what he wants out of their marriage. If she crosses her legs or hits the exit button at that point he can go raiding all the panties he wants, but I see zero indications that he's actually said that this lack of emotional connection is a problem to his wife.

He's got a woman who knows him better and who he has more shared experiences with than any other person on the planet, fuck, the fact he was married at 26 and is now 50 means he's clocked up 24 years, that's pretty damn good mileage on the one engine. If he doesn't know how or doesn't learn how to talk to your mother or learn to restart his relationship with her then chasing strange isn't going to help.

[Gray Beard]

Regarding Paracelsus' advice, it's a direct approach that can work, but it should not be used as a bluff. That is, unless he is prepared to leave your mom, your dad may not be ready to do it. The reason I think the Athol Kay book can help your dad is because the main idea it promotes is to learn game and other life improvements that help rekindle the marital relationship and at the same time acquire skills and capabilities that will make it easier to move on, if necessary. In short, this book can teach him how to actually do what Paracelsus recommends and be successful at it, either with your mom on board or not. The way I read your post he did not tell you that he is ready to leave your mom yet, so issuing an ultimatum may backfire on him. In the book, it is the last step, taken only after all else fails.

[ShuaiGe]

Should I teach my dad game? This question is so intimate and has so many variables it is beyond the ability of anyone here's ability to accurately answer.

[blck]

@paracelsus
This Method don't work the slightest, I and other have experienced it at our own expense multiples times thinking that a good argumentation would make her change her mind but it never worked, women don't even hear your voice and less you complaining.

It's because she knows him like the back of her hand that she stopped being attracted to him, what can he bring on the table that she doesn't already know ?

Things need to change and to make things chane you need to change first.

OP tell your dad that he need to add some unpredictibility in his life, love is routine/habits, getting at home at 7, drink some whisky until dinner be served and this every day of every week of every month of every years.

Stop the routine, make her hamster worry, tell him to go back home later (far after dinner time) pretexting some bullshit, he need to start some Light training (swim or bike), enough to lose noticeable fat, he also need to start buying some new fit clothes.

Nothing make women worry/horny than some compétition, if their man is not wanted by other women why would she want him ?

I think you got the idea at this point...

[Malone]

(04-12-2018 08:45 PM)LINUX Wrote:  

Quote:

When we got bad grades he would take away our phones, the internet and have us grounded. So for that reason back then i never actually developed a good relationship with him. I saw his punishment as harsh and unnecessary, and not as he just wanted the best for his children.

Take a look at your words, this is the modern-day millennial victim mentality. “I made poor grade so my father took away my cell phone and internet which was so harsh and unnecessary.”

Your dad needs to ask someone else. There is no way you’re ready to give life advice when you’re still bitter over getting your internet taken away as a child. You only have one father , you need to figure out what matters and what doesn’t before he passes.

100% this. You're not qualified. Tell him to join the forum, we'll help him out.

"Your time is up"

You little shit.

[MKDAWUSS]

(04-12-2018 09:04 PM)LeBaron Wrote:  

Tell him to create an account here

Chances are he'd be a 5 posts and banned type of fella.

[PapayaTapper]

(04-12-2018 03:37 PM)chvrches Wrote:  

I said, dad, this is a part of life, you're 50 years old, your time is up. You've had attention and affection and everything when you were young.

Im almost 47 my GF's 25. Tell your pops to PM me and Ill have your mom sucking yo daddy's dick in less than 30 days.

(04-13-2018 11:14 AM)Malone Wrote:  

"Your time is up"

You little shit.

^This

[chvrches]

@LINUX Either i misinterpreted or you have the wrong idea. What i am saying is, it was only back then i had these thoughts, because i was still a kid and didn't know any better, but now that i have grown up i understand and appreciate everything he did, because i know he did it with a good intention and that he just wanted to be a good father.

@Paracelsus Yeah i told him he needs to grow balls and have my mom accept some of his requests, like travel alone for a week to enjoy himself etc. My dad has always been the dominant one in the relationship, so he had his way most of the time, but he still seems to be having worried thoughts. I told him, go out and have fun for a week, and tell her that you're somewhere else. He can't grasp the idea of "lying" or making up something on the fly.

@blck Excellent advice. They have been doing the same routine for 24 years, i am going to suggest him to spice it up, and try being more unpredictable. He's too much in the comfort zone and holds back about saying whats on his mind. I told him to actually start using his swimming membership that he's had for years now. Start being more active, get out of the house. She knows him like the back of her hand, and she stopped being attracted to the same old thing is spot on.

[chvrches]

@AneroidOcean Thank you very much for the detailed answer. I think he's actually interested in having a relationship with me after all these years of disconnection. I know exactly what you're talking about, you only think about it and wish you had spent more time with a person once they are gone, and by then it will be too late. Whether i can help him or not, i will take up your advice and spend time with him this upcoming weekend. This will be the first time it's just me and him together.

As for the game advice, i did exactly what you're suggesting. That was the first thing that came to my mind. I told him to write a list of all the things he had been neglecting or delaying for the past 2-3 years, and do them all this year. To get some motion in him, get him out of his ordinary boring life, that he's struggling with right now. About the game on my mom, i do love my mom, so im not gonna tell him to go out and cheat on her or find another woman, but i do want to teach him to get out there and socialize more with women and people in general. I am thinking about going on a mini vacation with him as soon as my school allows me to.

(04-12-2018 08:35 PM)AneroidOcean Wrote:  

Tell your dad you appreciate him reaching out to you and trying to continue being a part of your life. Let him help you, because he wants to and it will make him proud to help you help yourself. Good luck.

Thanks man, this means a lot. I never talked to my dad about my feelings because of ego, but now that i have matured, i feel like it's time.

[Axel99]

My dad always cheated on my mom, i remember my mom crying and and being angry at hm but she never left and my pops kept doing it until my mom finally just accepted it. I never held animosity towards him for cheating in fact i kinda respected him even more for having young side chicks. If you dad never cheated and only fucked one woman in his life then he never had it in him, he was never an alpha or anything close to it. So i wouldnt bother to "teach" him anything, your dad is just suffering from mid life crisis.

[Gray Beard]

(04-16-2018 12:47 AM)Axel99 Wrote:  

My dad always cheated on my mom, i remember my mom crying and and being angry at hm but she never left and my pops kept doing it until my mom finally just accepted it. I never held animosity towards him for cheating in fact i kinda respected him even more for having young side chicks. If you dad never cheated and only fucked one woman in his life then he never had it in him, he was never an alpha or anything close to it. So i wouldnt bother to "teach" him anything, your dad is just suffering from mid life crisis.

You assume that "once a beta, always a beta." But in fact many alphas went through a beta phase first and learned. So I would certainly not give up on this particular dad's ability to learn, especially given that he expressed explicit interest to do so!

[MongolianAbroad]

DELETE

[renotime]

Tell him to give your mom the Aunt Jemima treatment while she cooks breakfast.

[PapayaTapper]

(04-18-2018 11:43 PM)renotime Wrote:  

Tell him to give your mom the Aunt Jemima treatment while she cooks breakfast.

Good game principles in that video. Namely the sexualized horseplay