Gents,
Many thanks for all of your replies. Very good to have a supportive sounding board and a diversity of stories and experience. I can say that this forum helped push me towards what I am now certain is the right direction.
POST-SCRIPT
Instead of waiting for a few weeks as I had planned, I send her a courteous message and arrange a phone call for the evening (yesterday evening). I provide the necessary prologue then I tell her I am breaking up with her. She doesn't take it well. She is angry. She protests. She insists she will change, that she hadn't appreciated before how much I valued honesty. She wants to video-call every night. She wants me to have her facebook log in and use it to monitor her as I please. I calmly list the reasons for the break-up (a repeat of the OP) and do my best to let her down gently. I let her speak. At the end of the phone call I re-qualify her and let her know that I will be blocking all contact from her. We end the phone call on polite terms.
As part of my attempt at letting her down gently, I reassure her I'm returning to focus on my career and studies, and that, in the future, if she ends up moving to Australia I would be happy to provide her with some career contacts in the health world. She seems emotionally more settled by this (perhaps adding to the theory that she was more in love with the concept of "a guy in Australia" than "me" in particular). While I make it clear that I this is a break up, I leave open the possibility of us meeting again at some time in the future, even as just friends.
I have some time to reflect. I talk to my mate Dream Medicine. After his good counsel and some further reflection I return to the conclusion that there is no way that re-establishing contact can be a good thing. And it is very likely to be a strong temptation in the future. (I have a pre-booked snowboarding trip in Japan in a few months time).
I read the official "No Contact" and "The Only Rule for Ex's" threads and am inspired.
FINAL ANALYSIS
I fell hard for this girl, and she for me. There were red flags and my intuition started to ping warning alarms early… but I was overwhelmed by her level of investment and good company. This was a combination of failed self-discipline on my part and spectacular gaming on hers. I also had doubts: was I simply being insecure, perhaps a commitment-phobe? Adding to the mix was the fact that this was an LTR evolving at long-distance. The times we spent together on her/my visits were always a honeymoon of good emotions, excitement and fun: We would bush walk, ice skate, hike, onsen, read to each other, movies and of course bang three or more times a day. We did not argue. In short, I waded in deep and all common sensibility was swallowed up.
The degree of my clouded decision-making is testified by my original post: Despite my earlier decision to break up with her on returning to my home country, a chat with her insisting on her complete devotion was enough to make me wonder about the possibility of continuing in some form. My thinking was to break all contact, resume it at a later date (6-9 months), and see where we were at. Decide then if a trial period of cohabitation might work: if she or I had moved on, it was a done deal. If not, perhaps it could work. Thanks to this forum, Dream Medicine, and some reflection, I realise now there is no future here apart from dramatic phone calls, more break-ups and… god forbid, a "committed" LTR in which I cannot trust and she sleeps around. In the words of Eugenics: "Nope. Noppity fucking nope. "
LESSONS FOR THE FUTURE
1. Even with a decade of game experience, I am still vulnerable to the excitement and professions of love offered by a beautiful woman who is nothing but bad news.
2. Where there is uncertainty about partner suitability, commit to the LTR. In this case, I decided to visit her home country and all was revealed. Had I backed out before then I suspect I might have been left with the doubt of having passed up a perfectly good partner. I feel more confident in heeding my early intuitions and listening to the early warning signs.
3. Time without contact and seeking non-biased third party opinion helps to un-cloud judgement. Consider time apart any time the throes of lust, passion and excitement present themselves. Be very wary of co-habitation unless you are absolutely sure she is commitment material – very hard to avoid contact in that situation.
4. Tinder is not the ideal place for the LTR search.
5. Screen for chemistry, sure. But consider this: girls who are loyal are less likely to be as exciting as the girls one has met for purely recreational purposes.
6. When breaking up with girls who you have strong emotions for (and who might also have good "game") have a strong resolve. Remind yourself of all of the negative aspects of the relationship before handing down the news (but do not allow this render you punitive/spiteful in the process).
Many thanks for all of your replies. Very good to have a supportive sounding board and a diversity of stories and experience. I can say that this forum helped push me towards what I am now certain is the right direction.
POST-SCRIPT
Instead of waiting for a few weeks as I had planned, I send her a courteous message and arrange a phone call for the evening (yesterday evening). I provide the necessary prologue then I tell her I am breaking up with her. She doesn't take it well. She is angry. She protests. She insists she will change, that she hadn't appreciated before how much I valued honesty. She wants to video-call every night. She wants me to have her facebook log in and use it to monitor her as I please. I calmly list the reasons for the break-up (a repeat of the OP) and do my best to let her down gently. I let her speak. At the end of the phone call I re-qualify her and let her know that I will be blocking all contact from her. We end the phone call on polite terms.
As part of my attempt at letting her down gently, I reassure her I'm returning to focus on my career and studies, and that, in the future, if she ends up moving to Australia I would be happy to provide her with some career contacts in the health world. She seems emotionally more settled by this (perhaps adding to the theory that she was more in love with the concept of "a guy in Australia" than "me" in particular). While I make it clear that I this is a break up, I leave open the possibility of us meeting again at some time in the future, even as just friends.
I have some time to reflect. I talk to my mate Dream Medicine. After his good counsel and some further reflection I return to the conclusion that there is no way that re-establishing contact can be a good thing. And it is very likely to be a strong temptation in the future. (I have a pre-booked snowboarding trip in Japan in a few months time).
I read the official "No Contact" and "The Only Rule for Ex's" threads and am inspired.
FINAL ANALYSIS
I fell hard for this girl, and she for me. There were red flags and my intuition started to ping warning alarms early… but I was overwhelmed by her level of investment and good company. This was a combination of failed self-discipline on my part and spectacular gaming on hers. I also had doubts: was I simply being insecure, perhaps a commitment-phobe? Adding to the mix was the fact that this was an LTR evolving at long-distance. The times we spent together on her/my visits were always a honeymoon of good emotions, excitement and fun: We would bush walk, ice skate, hike, onsen, read to each other, movies and of course bang three or more times a day. We did not argue. In short, I waded in deep and all common sensibility was swallowed up.
The degree of my clouded decision-making is testified by my original post: Despite my earlier decision to break up with her on returning to my home country, a chat with her insisting on her complete devotion was enough to make me wonder about the possibility of continuing in some form. My thinking was to break all contact, resume it at a later date (6-9 months), and see where we were at. Decide then if a trial period of cohabitation might work: if she or I had moved on, it was a done deal. If not, perhaps it could work. Thanks to this forum, Dream Medicine, and some reflection, I realise now there is no future here apart from dramatic phone calls, more break-ups and… god forbid, a "committed" LTR in which I cannot trust and she sleeps around. In the words of Eugenics: "Nope. Noppity fucking nope. "
LESSONS FOR THE FUTURE
1. Even with a decade of game experience, I am still vulnerable to the excitement and professions of love offered by a beautiful woman who is nothing but bad news.
2. Where there is uncertainty about partner suitability, commit to the LTR. In this case, I decided to visit her home country and all was revealed. Had I backed out before then I suspect I might have been left with the doubt of having passed up a perfectly good partner. I feel more confident in heeding my early intuitions and listening to the early warning signs.
3. Time without contact and seeking non-biased third party opinion helps to un-cloud judgement. Consider time apart any time the throes of lust, passion and excitement present themselves. Be very wary of co-habitation unless you are absolutely sure she is commitment material – very hard to avoid contact in that situation.
4. Tinder is not the ideal place for the LTR search.
5. Screen for chemistry, sure. But consider this: girls who are loyal are less likely to be as exciting as the girls one has met for purely recreational purposes.
6. When breaking up with girls who you have strong emotions for (and who might also have good "game") have a strong resolve. Remind yourself of all of the negative aspects of the relationship before handing down the news (but do not allow this render you punitive/spiteful in the process).