Quote: (03-17-2019 09:19 PM)jcardial Wrote:
Quote: (03-17-2019 05:51 PM)Checkmat Wrote:
Cleanslate, she is VERY insecure. She is only 21, I started dating her when she was 20 (I’m 30). I am her first love and first romantic relationship. She’s been pumped and dumped a few times in the past.
She knows that she loves me more than I love her. The power dynamic is about 75/25. She also gets jealous if I get a text from a female friend or don’t give her enough attention. She is pretty needy, and I wonder if she will mature more as she ages. I don’t know.
I’ll likely be moving for a career change this or next year anyway. Probably an expiration date on the LTR.
In the mean time, I don’t want to get cucked or cheated on. This co-worker thing is a red flag to me but Im trying to figure out if I should be as angry as I was, in that moment.
This strongly confirms my suspicion that her drama bomb likely came from a place of insecurity and a feeling of being unwanted. This is why I took issue with Soyboy's theory that it is just her promiscuous nature that should be silently ignored and recorded in your diary. It sounds like there were clear warning signs that she needed more reassurance and comfort in the relationship.
It's easy to sit back and let the power chips stack in front of you when someone is really in love with you, but if you let things become too polarized the anxiety and fear will become intolerable over time and she will act out immaturely or start looking for a new guy. Your slow drip dread game (being too aloof and letting her find out about texts from other girls etc) was apparently seen and raised with "I might let Chad from the office take me out if you don't do more to make me feel secure" dread game. It doesn't sound like her read on the relationship is too far off if you're planning an exit in the near future.
Update on this situation.
I knew that the "chad at work" thing was something to keep an eye on. I knew that if she kept bringing him up, something might be afoot.
A few days after my post, she brought up how the guys at work are getting more direct when they hit on her, and she gave me a couple of examples. I took it in stride but then she mentioned that the one dude from the lantern festival situation was following her on snapchat. I paused and said, "you gave him your sc?" and she said no, she did not, but one of her co-workers must have given it to him. My bullshit alarm is going off like crazy. She also mentions that he has asked her multiple times to come work out with him at his gym, but that she has told him no, I have a boyfriend.
Also around this time, she starts telling me on multiple occasions that she is going to switch gyms, from her current gym to LA Fitness. Im wondering why all of a sudden but whatever, didnt think about it too much. I asked her if she knew anyone that works out at LA Fitness and she said no.
So then more time goes by, and we go on a trip while she is out of school for spring break. I take this opportunity to search her phone, and I find that this dude is friends with her on snapchat and they last communicated over the app 6 days prior. Everything is deleted, as is natural for the app. Then I looked in her phone contacts list and I see his name. I search for a text convo but there is nothing.
We end up arguing a couple of times on the trip for unrelated reasons. Mostly her being immature and not getting her way. Acting like a spoiled child. Outside of these fights were are cloud 9 with each other. Nonstop compliments from her on my looks, how hot I am, how other girls must check me out all the time. Her hands are all over me, jerking me off while I drive or sucking me off all the time, everywhere. *This was not new behavior, she is and always has been like this with me*. We both comment on how the trip flew by, and she is sad that she has to go home and wants to stay longer.
The day after the trip we are texting like normal and she sends me like 3 paragraphs about how the guy at work was talking to her, bragging about his sexual skills, and how he is dating multiple girls and she thinks he is an asshole. He asks her how I, her boyfriend, am in bed. She tells him that she wont discuss that but she is still with me so there is her answer. He asks how her break was, she tells him about our trip and how she put on some weight while on the trip. Then the guy tells her well obviously its because you just eat and fuck. Then he got angry and walked away from her.
After she tells me all of this, my alarm bells are going off like crazy. She is obviously very invested or interested in this guy for him to occupy all this real estate in her mind, and to talk about him so much. I call her on the phone and after some debriefing about their convo, I ask her straight up: did you ever give him your phone number? She immediately says no, and I tell her that I saw his name in her contact list. She says no, I must be mistaken because she doesnt have his number. I tell her to let me know when she is ready to be honest and hang up the phone.
She calls me back 3 min later and says ah you know what, I DID exchange numbers with him, back around the time of the lantern festival. I ask her, ok so a dude you work with who hits on you and wants to fuck you, you gave him your phone number and snapchat. She gets defensive and says well you have added girls on your facebook, what is the difference. She says she only gave him her number because he offered to pick up lunch while they were at work. I ask why she deleted the convo then, and she says "I deleted it bc it wasnt important"
To add context, when I first starting dating her 9 months ago I laid down some groundrules for the relationship. One of them was: if you are my girlfriend, you will not give out your number to guys who are trying to fuck you.
So I remind her of that, and the fact that not only did she blatantly cross that boundary, but she boldly lied right to me about it.
Instantly dumped her and advised my family. I doubt I'll ever get all of the real details and info about what has been going on with her and this dude at work, but the fact that she crossed my boundary that she knew was wrong and also tried to hide it and lie about it, means that there is nothing left here for me to pursue with her. All trust is gone.
I dropped off all of her stuff from my house at UPS today to send back to her.
Yesterday she blew up my phone offering to quit her job, apologizing profusely, literally begging for me not to leave her. But Im good. She broke the boundary and lied about it. 2 strikes and youre out!
As I digest all of this and try to move on (hinge date set for friday for a potential SIF), what Im trying to reconcile is how ultra in-love she has been with me, how the affection, sex and interest level in me was 100/100 and yet she still sabotaged the whole relationship over some dude at work that she likes. There were no red flags aside from the amount talking she did about this guy from work. It seemed that her love for me never faltered but she wanted some side dick too maybe, idk.
Like jcardial said, a lot of it may have been from the dread levels and knowledge that I may be moving away soon and that I wont be around. It's possible that was a factor, but how much of it is just her being a ho? In 9 months I never directly saw her flirt with another guy but she had tons of orbiters on snapchat sending her thirsty shit.
Then there is the possibility that she has been 100% innocent about the whole thing, but that still doesn't change the face that she broke one of my rules and also lied to me about it. That's enough, even if she didnt suck his dick or hang out with him or anything (which I'll never know), the fact that she lied about another guy is enough for me to leave.
It's been a jarring couple of days. Literally Friday night we are in love and happy and by Saturday night we are done.