I've done about 120 approaches since I started approaching regularly a few months ago. Got 1 lay and 3 makeouts. Feeling rather burned out from it all, so I thought I'd take a break and review some common patterns from my experience.
I'd like some tips on overcoming my weaknesses. I think that in order to improve, I need to move past openers, techniques, and routines; and instead focus on cultivating the right mindset. But I don't know how to develop that mindset and have it stick.
The good: getting better at opening
As I open more women, I am starting to notice that every so often, I get an immediate response of interest, like they are pleasantly surprised that I opened them, when they weren't expecting it. This seems to happen regularly enough, maybe 1 in 15 or 20 approaches. This is a new experience for me because I interact with 95% males at work, so I never had enough consistent exposure to women showing interest to be able to recognize it.
I am getting better at coming up with openers in a variety of situations. In new situations, I typically think for about 10 or 20 seconds to come up with an opener and then execute on it. I am not quite at the level where I can follow the 3-second rule and just say what's on my mind. I may be losing a few prospects this way, but I am comfortable with gradually building up a mental repertoire of openers for different scenarios that I can reuse in similar situations in the future.
A few times, I got rejected when I try to make a move, and it turns out the girl is not interested. Although the moment is slightly awkward, I don't feel bad about it afterward. I feel far worse about missed opportunities afterwards (more on that later).
The bad: struggling with moving forward
I am struggling with being too procedural and mechanical about my interactions. For example, I tend to get stuck in my head thinking, "okay, she's sending me an IOI, what do I do now?" and try to draw on what I know from studying game. This kind of approach is fine for the STEM work that I do, but when it comes to women, it's terrible -- it messes with my frame and makes me come off as nervous and insecure when I am trying to think of what to do, rather than seizing the opportunity with action.
I am not 100% comfortable escalating even when she is attracted. I was never used to physical contact with people (e.g. friends and parents) until maybe my mid 20s. As a result, I find that I am always thinking in terms of what steps to take: when do I hold her hand? when do I put my arm around her? etc.
I am still not coming from a mindset of dominant frame. My tendency is to treat it like a puzzle -- I need to make the right moves, and then she will respond positively, and we can move the interaction forward. You can probably see how this puts me into a supplicating frame, because I am focused on trying to push the right buttons on her, rather than pulling her into my frame, creating relational intimacy, and moving the relationship forward.
I am not bold enough with expressing sexual intent (or even with just connecting with her on an emotional level) from the get-go. I know it can be done through body language and verbal subtlety, but there's just that mental barrier of viewing it it being socially inappropriate with someone I just met. Even after I pulled off a same-night lay, it has still been difficult.
I've also just finished reading David Deida's Way of the Superior Man. His point about being vulnerable really hit home with me -- I find myself being too guarded at times and that gets in the way of building relational intimacy.
I need to fully internalize what I've learned, rather than just keep it as head knowledge. It's one thing to know all this about game, dominance, what women want, etc, but it's something entirely different to actually believe in it and act according to that belief. It's like there's a part of me that is still struggling to fully have faith in game and dominance and my own potential. When I get a strong positive response from a woman, I still mentally respond with "holy shit, is this really happening??"
The ugly: dwelling on missed opportunities too much
I am at the point where my head knowledge of game is much better than my actual ability to pull it off. Thus I often find myself repeatedly analyzing a failed interaction afterwards, noticing the missed windows of opportunities, moments when I lost frame, etc. There have been about 5 such interactions in the 120 approaches. I get depressed when I think over my interactions. I know I shouldn't keep replaying these scenarios in my head once I've extracted lessons from it, and I don't usually dwell on past failures, but it's a bad habit that I need to break.
I'd like some tips on overcoming my weaknesses. I think that in order to improve, I need to move past openers, techniques, and routines; and instead focus on cultivating the right mindset. But I don't know how to develop that mindset and have it stick.
The good: getting better at opening
As I open more women, I am starting to notice that every so often, I get an immediate response of interest, like they are pleasantly surprised that I opened them, when they weren't expecting it. This seems to happen regularly enough, maybe 1 in 15 or 20 approaches. This is a new experience for me because I interact with 95% males at work, so I never had enough consistent exposure to women showing interest to be able to recognize it.
I am getting better at coming up with openers in a variety of situations. In new situations, I typically think for about 10 or 20 seconds to come up with an opener and then execute on it. I am not quite at the level where I can follow the 3-second rule and just say what's on my mind. I may be losing a few prospects this way, but I am comfortable with gradually building up a mental repertoire of openers for different scenarios that I can reuse in similar situations in the future.
A few times, I got rejected when I try to make a move, and it turns out the girl is not interested. Although the moment is slightly awkward, I don't feel bad about it afterward. I feel far worse about missed opportunities afterwards (more on that later).
The bad: struggling with moving forward
I am struggling with being too procedural and mechanical about my interactions. For example, I tend to get stuck in my head thinking, "okay, she's sending me an IOI, what do I do now?" and try to draw on what I know from studying game. This kind of approach is fine for the STEM work that I do, but when it comes to women, it's terrible -- it messes with my frame and makes me come off as nervous and insecure when I am trying to think of what to do, rather than seizing the opportunity with action.
I am not 100% comfortable escalating even when she is attracted. I was never used to physical contact with people (e.g. friends and parents) until maybe my mid 20s. As a result, I find that I am always thinking in terms of what steps to take: when do I hold her hand? when do I put my arm around her? etc.
I am still not coming from a mindset of dominant frame. My tendency is to treat it like a puzzle -- I need to make the right moves, and then she will respond positively, and we can move the interaction forward. You can probably see how this puts me into a supplicating frame, because I am focused on trying to push the right buttons on her, rather than pulling her into my frame, creating relational intimacy, and moving the relationship forward.
I am not bold enough with expressing sexual intent (or even with just connecting with her on an emotional level) from the get-go. I know it can be done through body language and verbal subtlety, but there's just that mental barrier of viewing it it being socially inappropriate with someone I just met. Even after I pulled off a same-night lay, it has still been difficult.
I've also just finished reading David Deida's Way of the Superior Man. His point about being vulnerable really hit home with me -- I find myself being too guarded at times and that gets in the way of building relational intimacy.
I need to fully internalize what I've learned, rather than just keep it as head knowledge. It's one thing to know all this about game, dominance, what women want, etc, but it's something entirely different to actually believe in it and act according to that belief. It's like there's a part of me that is still struggling to fully have faith in game and dominance and my own potential. When I get a strong positive response from a woman, I still mentally respond with "holy shit, is this really happening??"
The ugly: dwelling on missed opportunities too much
I am at the point where my head knowledge of game is much better than my actual ability to pull it off. Thus I often find myself repeatedly analyzing a failed interaction afterwards, noticing the missed windows of opportunities, moments when I lost frame, etc. There have been about 5 such interactions in the 120 approaches. I get depressed when I think over my interactions. I know I shouldn't keep replaying these scenarios in my head once I've extracted lessons from it, and I don't usually dwell on past failures, but it's a bad habit that I need to break.
