[Svoboda]

(04-17-2017 09:47 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

(04-16-2017 02:08 PM)Svoboda Wrote:  

OP, when someone on the forums brings up red flags, I try to keep an open mind. For all I know she's a millionaire hottie that cooks fantastic meals for him and they have a great sexual connection.
The one thing you mention is that you found her really attractive.
With all the red flags, do you really want a relationship with this woman (also keep in mind you let her around your child)?

I want to know what YOU think the biggest red flags are that Ive mentioned. Just out of curiosity and just to help me.

Our kids have also grown to be pretty close.

Since you're a single dad, the single mom thing is less of on issue, so a pass there.

Quote:

She comes from a broken home. Neglectful/abusive mother, deadbeat father who was hardly in her life as a kid. Her daughter's father used to beat her several years ago when they were still together. She's emotionally damaged in ways. I also know that she has a promiscuous past when she was single.

1 You can't choose your parents, but you can choose your partner and who you have kids with, and according to her all the guys after that were "punks".

2 Actively seeks contact with single guys in the area and exes.
3 Also she obviously doesn't find you physically attractive and isn't proud of you.

Quote:

She anxiously wanted a real man, and stability for herself and her kid.

That's your purpose to her.

Jetset, Ironbutt and Jean Valjean bring up good points.

[PapayaTapper]

Lets get this thread back on it's original track shall we?

(04-10-2017 09:24 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

-GF and I became official a few weeks after a punk she was dating screwed her over (she has a history of falling for prettyboy-badboys.) 2-3 weeks after he screwed her over, we met. 2 weeks after that, we were in a relationship. Im 32 and she's 30. My 9 year old son and her 8 year old daughter met days after we met. We jumped in fast. She anxiously wanted a real man, and stability for herself and her kid. Not sure if jumping in fast hurts the foundation/stability of our relationship?

History of pretty boys and bad boys (aka the cock carousel)? No big deal.

Jumped in fast (another cock) into a relationship with you. Dont mean nothin

-I was interested in her first, before she became interested in me. It's now been about 6.5 months since we met, 6 months that we've been in a relationship.

2 weeks from "not interested" to "full blown relationship" Just means your cock is magically delicious

-She comes from a broken home. Neglectful/abusive mother, deadbeat father who was hardly in her life as a kid.

Tough upbringing just means she's tough...nothing to worry about

Her daughter's father used to beat her several years ago when they were still together. She's emotionally damaged in ways.

Nothing to worry about long term

I also know that she has a promiscuous past when she was single.

Nothing to worry about long term

-Barely posted about me a month into relationship when we were having ups-and-downs (she's big on social media)

New relationship with ups and downs? Nothing to worry about long term

- Started adding random local single guys on facebook/instagram. Likes their pics and leaves occasional flirty comments. I also think she Likes pics of her "guy friends" who she used to sleep with. Never had our relationship status visible on her page. Ripped through one of the guys fb albums and liked a bunch of his pics dating back to a YEAR ago.We'll call him Guy A.

Adding random dudes to social media. Nothing to worry about long term

Flirting with random dudes on social media. Nothing to worry about long term

Flirting with and "liking" former cocks on social media. Nothing to worry about long term

-In January, we had our highest "up" cycle of our relationship. During this time, she was posting about me more, posting some pictures of us, and I even noticed that she deleted those random local guys, and made our relationship status visible, finally. She says to me (and on facebook) things like "I finally found someone that truly makes me happy" "You're so good to your son, and me and my daughter" etc. etc.
Oh that's a very good sign indeed

-Things seem good right now, however... When she deleted those guys off facebook a couple of months ago, she never unfollowed them from instagram. Well just a few days ago, I happened to be on instagram and noticed in my Activity Feed that she had recently liked THREE recent selfies that Guy A had posted.


Flirting with and "liking" former cocks on social media. Nothing to worry about long term


-One time, a few months ago, one of our friends was looking at a picture of me and her and he said, "Dude you have such a creepy smile!" And she said, "Well we all know how irresistible he apparently is!" Taking digs at my looks. She can be pretty blunt when joking around like this, but that kind of comment made me wonder if I'm not even her type (physically)

Disrespecting you openly with disparaging comments. Nothing to worry about long term

-She has also re-friended a guy on fb who used to be her "best friend" months before we met, who she stopped talking to because he screwed her over with multiple things. One of those things being, they used to hookup and she eventually found out that he secretly had a girlfriend WHILE they had been hooking up. (Yep, another punk she was involved with.) They weren't in a relationship but she claimed they were "best friends." Well she re-added him on facebook all these months later. And Im wondering...why?

Flirting with and "liking" former cocks on social media. Nothing to worry about long term

-Also noticed that she recently followed one of her ex's from a few years ago on instagram

Flirting with and "liking" former cocks on social media. Nothing to worry about long term

Can you guys see her staying committed to me and our relationship lasting?

Absofuckinglutely

Now that we've stated everything OP wants to hear



I have no doubt we'll hear from OP again in another thread:

No need to start another thread though. When you come home and find "your" girl tastes 'funny" your updates will fit nicely here

[Vaun]

All of these captain save a ho's and simps lately keep me reassured that game will still be relevant for many years to come.

[maxalton]

Ah so she's a ho now?

[maxalton]

Papayatapper, it's easy to judge based off what I've written. I'm listing my uncertainties, I'm not telling you all about the laughs and the good times we have/had. People don't come on these forums to talk about the GOOD qualities of their relationship. But you think that because of those things that happened early on that we're doomed? We've been together 6.5 months

[Jetset]

This one must be trolling.

[Vaun]

(04-17-2017 09:07 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

Ah so she's a ho now?

sounds like it

[maxalton]

What makes u think im trolling?

[TTQQTT]

(04-17-2017 11:03 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

What makes u think im trolling?

Everything. Or you must be really naive. How did you find the forum?

[Jetset]

(04-17-2017 11:03 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

What makes u think im trolling?

People who genuinely want advice acknowledge what they're being told, even if they disagree with it. You're getting pages of sincere explanations, then ignore all of it to cherry-pick the conclusion and ask "...but why?" You hint at major problems in your general approach to life, but when pressed for details, change the subject.

You're either making inflammatory statements and rejecting the obvious in order to deliberately waste everyone's time, or you're bafflingly naive, even for a man half your age. You don't seem to genuinely want help, just affirmation. If you're sincere, I'll tell you this:

You ask if she's a hoe. Yes, she's a hoe. You are paying her with "stability".

You ask if this relationship is "doomed". No, any relationship can work if you sacrifice enough of your time, money, dignity, and health to paper over the fact that it was broken from the outset. You can give her everything to try to stop her from leaving and become a broken, confused husk and an embarrassing bad example to your son in your desperate bid to believe you are the "real man". This is human nature. People take what they are freely given, and there will be nothing you can do about it because it was your call and it's done.

This forum isn't going to help you learn how to more efficiently ruin your life. Relationships are investments. Yes, you can absolutely buy and hold this stock for the rest of your life, but you're being warned that it's a bad deal and you should invest elsewhere. The "punks" who "screwed her over" knew she wasn't worth investing in, they took their short-term profits and moved on, and you are now positioned to become the bagholder.

http://www.investopedia.com/terms/b/bag-holder.asp: "An informal investment term used to describe an investor who holds a position in a stock which decreases in value until it is worthless. Typically, the bag holder will hold the position for an extended period of time in which most of the investment is lost. Symbolically, the investor is left holding a bag full of worthless material, representing worthless stock. The bag holder, typically, will retain an investment even though there is convincing evidence that the value will continue to drop."

(04-17-2017 09:09 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

it's easy to judge based off what I've written

Yes, it is.

She knows what she is doing. She's desperate and will tell you anything, even though you can't articulate any reason that you wish to be with her other than her physical attractiveness, which will fade. Good luck, and next time, expect much, much, much better from a woman before exposing your child to her. There's no need to ask "why", just scroll up and we've already explained it all to you at least twice.

[maxalton]

You seem to understand that she says she wants stability and you say people can fake their feelings for a lifetime (IF thats what shes doing.) But do you truly believe she would commit to a fake life like that? Her Liking these other guys pictures indicates to me that if she really wants to bang these other guys, she would break up with me and do it. Which she hasnt done to this point.

[PapayaTapper]

(04-18-2017 06:41 AM)Jetset Wrote:  

(04-17-2017 11:03 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

What makes u think im trolling?

People who genuinely want advice acknowledge what they're being told, even if they disagree with it. You're getting pages of sincere explanations, then ignore all of it to cherry-pick the conclusion and ask "...but why?" You hint at major problems in your general approach to life, but when pressed for details, change the subject.

You're either making inflammatory statements and rejecting the obvious in order to deliberately waste everyone's time, or you're bafflingly naive, even for a man half your age. You don't seem to genuinely want help, just affirmation. If you're sincere, I'll tell you this:

You ask if she's a hoe. Yes, she's a hoe. You are paying her with "stability".

You ask if this relationship is "doomed". No, any relationship can work if you sacrifice enough of your time, money, dignity, and health to paper over the fact that it was broken from the outset. You can give her everything to try to stop her from leaving and become a broken, confused husk and an embarrassing bad example to your son in your desperate bid to believe you are the "real man". This is human nature. People take what they are freely given, and there will be nothing you can do about it because it was your call and it's done.

This forum isn't going to help you learn how to more efficiently ruin your life. Relationships are investments. Yes, you can absolutely buy and hold this stock for the rest of your life, but you're being warned that it's a bad deal and you should invest elsewhere. The "punks" who "screwed her over" knew she wasn't worth investing in, they took their short-term profits and moved on, and you are now positioned to become the bagholder.

http://www.investopedia.com/terms/b/bag-holder.asp: "An informal investment term used to describe an investor who holds a position in a stock which decreases in value until it is worthless. Typically, the bag holder will hold the position for an extended period of time in which most of the investment is lost. Symbolically, the investor is left holding a bag full of worthless material, representing worthless stock. The bag holder, typically, will retain an investment even though there is convincing evidence that the value will continue to drop."

(04-17-2017 09:09 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

it's easy to judge based off what I've written

Yes, it is.

She knows what she is doing. She's desperate and will tell you anything, even though you can't articulate any reason that you wish to be with her other than her physical attractiveness, which will fade. Good luck, and next time, expect much, much, much better from a woman before exposing your child to her. There's no need to ask "why", just scroll up and we've already explained it all to you at least twice.

^

[Jetset]

(04-18-2017 08:55 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

You seem to understand that she says she wants stability and you say people can fake their feelings for a lifetime (IF thats what shes doing.) But do you truly believe she would commit to a fake life like that?

At 32, you need to be moving beyond the model of life where people do what they want to do and realize that most people do what they have to do to get all their needs met and be happy. Nearly everyone ignores their feelings to some extent in order to do what must be done.

Quote:

Her Liking these other guys pictures indicates to me that if she really wants to bang these other guys, she would break up with me and do it. Which she hasnt done to this point.

I don't even see how you would arrive at this logically, but you're still fundamentally misunderstanding what is happening here.

You are worried that she will leave, but she is moving very quickly to sink her claws into your life deeply enough that you cannot leave. You're already telling yourself that it would hurt your son. Soon, she'll have become like a mother to your son, like a daughter to your mother, and her daughter like a daughter to you.

Worse, your emphasis on needing her to stay tells me that you probably believe she'll be even more likely to stay if you have a child with her. Everyone on this thread is warning you because they can see it coming, "DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT", because if she has your child, she now has the keys to a nuclear weapon. She can now blow up your life and tear apart your home if you don't give her what she needs.

What does she need? She needs her kid taken care of, and she also needs attention from "punks". Her willingness to mislead you about social media and conceal her actions shows that this is important to her. This is a particular brand of attention that she requires in order to feel good, so she will always have a tendency to work things out so that she can have it.

Right now, it's just a little attention whoring on Instagram, but the more secure she feels in her relationship with you, the more likely she will be to believe she can get away with something more extreme without endangering her stability. These other men have proven that they know how to play her, and you'll eventually be looking for ways to ignore the mounting evidence that she's getting fucked by "punks" on your dime. The alternative is that she will find another source to satisfy both needs in a preferable way, and she's gone because your usefulness has evaporated.

You're asking why she would do this, but the real question is why wouldn't she? Maternal instincts are powerful, but so are sexual instincts. She knows she can bribe you into helping her fulfill her maternal needs in exchange for sex because you've shown her you find her attractive and will reward her. Your language here indicates that you probably also use language with her which makes it clear you're worried about her leaving. As long as she "doesn't leave", she can do anything she wants.

The problem is that this isn't a two-way street. You think you're bribing her with stability to allow you to fulfill her sexual needs, but this won't override her factory settings and turn you into one of the men she craves fulfillment from. Those "punks" you're writing off are the men she has proven that she will fuck for free without the trappings of stability: flowers, home repairs, trips, commitment. Just unwrapped cock. She was fucking her "best friend". You say that he "screwed her over", but she's still trying to get his attention on social media while she shows off how hard she's making you work. That guy is off fucking other women right now and she still sought out a quiet way to shower him with a little approval.

I read her behavior as a soft indicator of where she places you in her hierarchy. You have a son to look out for and this isn't likely to end well for either of you. My sincere advice to you is to stop worrying about this silly bitch drama and work on getting your act together so that you can find a relationship with someone who isn't damaged.

[Crisp]

(04-18-2017 08:55 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

You seem to understand that she says she wants stability and you say people can fake their feelings for a lifetime (IF thats what shes doing.) But do you truly believe she would commit to a fake life like that? Her Liking these other guys pictures indicates to me that if she really wants to bang these other guys, she would break up with me and do it. Which she hasnt done to this point.

Do not get her pregnant! This can not be stressed enough.
I bolded that part because she may be waiting to make sure she has a landing place ready for when your relationship ends. She needs the social media attention and has you for whenever she needs real life validation. She may not fully take the cheating plunge unless she feels that the new guy will take her baggage on. If she cheats, you dump her, and the other guy doesn't take her on, well she is just left with her social media and no real life stability. Move on bro.

Also, it's great that you've connected with her daughter, I'm sure that's a positive in the girl's life. But remember, she's learning how to become a woman by watching mom. Mom's behavior will trickle down to her daughter unfortunately and the train to the hormone fueled years comes quick. Personally, I would be concerned about my son. The daughter will need to put to practice the behaviors she is learning on someone.

[Svoboda]

(04-18-2017 08:55 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

You seem to understand that she says she wants stability and you say people can fake their feelings for a lifetime (IF thats what shes doing.) But do you truly believe she would commit to a fake life like that? Her Liking these other guys pictures indicates to me that if she really wants to bang these other guys, she would break up with me and do it. Which she hasnt done to this point.

Short story: Wake up and smell the coffee!

Longer: OP your reasoning of her breaking up with you if she would want to bang other guys makes no sense. Do you really think women will break up with a guy because they want to bang other men? Stop projecting your own rationale, honesty and expectations on her actions.

You mention "commit to a fake life". Which shows how you're either not understanding or in denial. She doesn not commit to a fake life. She barely commits to being on the receiving end of your time and energy (and possibly money). You are serving her purpose. You are committing to her not the other way around.
It's great that you're a man that wants to take care of his woman, respect, cherish and love her, and wouldn't cheat on her. Everything you told us makes us think she's not the female version of that.
She obviously doesn't respect you! (reread the part you wrote about her behavior on social media)

What area you located? Just curious to the amount and type of women available around you.

Jetset has an awesome analysis!

[Vaun]

(04-18-2017 08:55 AM)maxalton Wrote:  

You seem to understand that she says she wants stability and you say people can fake their feelings for a lifetime (IF thats what shes doing.) But do you truly believe she would commit to a fake life like that? Her Liking these other guys pictures indicates to me that if she really wants to bang these other guys, she would break up with me and do it. Which she hasnt done to this point.

Like I said before I think you are suffering from really low self esteem right now, and you are justifying her bad treatment of you. Its not a joke, not trying to make fun of you or put you down, but this low self opinion that you have will soon destroy other parts of your life, if it hasn't done so already. Seeing that you have a parental relationship to protect, you should consider your psyche and happiness as important as the money and the roof over your head right now. This has driven you into a dark place that will be tough to come out of. The sooner you cut this woman out of your life completely, no phone calls, no "breakup talk", no seeing each other ever again, will you begin to move on and heal yourself. Ghost her today and dont think twice about it. If you think we are funny and wrong, why do you keep posting here? You are a man in desperate need right now. If you think we are so wrong, leave and write us back in a year about how much of a mess your life has become. This is a very common scenario for recently divorced fathers. Go to DadsDivorce as well, create a profile, and post there too about your wonderful girl. You'll notice they will react similarly, probably way worse. This is actually a highly respectful message board.

Long story short; this girl doesn't like you and is steadily humiliating you, more and more. I would guess it will get even worse, to the point where there will be other guys around when you are together. I am sorry my friend, but when this hits you like a ton of bricks, maybe later when her humiliation is much worse, it could very well crush you and totally wreck your life. Would your kid want to see their dad in this condition?

Realize that this girl a) doesn't like you and b) wants to hurt you. It should make it easier to ghost her ass now, today.

Once this is all over you should commit yourself to building your self image and self esteem, and swear off women for a while.

[maxalton]

The biggest issue I have with that is-- you saying she doesn't want me or respect me. At this present moment, she's showing me alot of affection. I think it's called "love bombing" in the online world she tells me things and puts things on facebook about how much she loves me and how excited she is for our future together etc. That doesn't sound like somebody who's looking for the exit. Right or wrong?

[Jetset]

(04-18-2017 03:46 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

Right or wrong?

I tried.

[Peekay]

(04-18-2017 03:46 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

The biggest issue I have with that is-- you saying she doesn't want me or respect me. At this present moment, she's showing me alot of affection. I think it's called "love bombing" in the online world she tells me things and puts things on facebook about how much she loves me and how excited she is for our future together etc. That doesn't sound like somebody who's looking for the exit. Right or wrong?

Everyone here has great advise, but it appears to me that the advise is not what you want to hear so you keep pounding away in hopes that someone, anyone will say what you want to hear. That being said let me try a different approach...

First imagine that you two are together for a long time, maybe even married. Lets say five years from now you are married to her and her behavior has not changed. Would it bother you? Obviously it bothers you now or you would not have post here. Consider the possibility that her behavior never changes, how long are you willing to put up with it? Two years, ten years, the rest of your life?

I would say anyone in a LTR is putting up with some degree of bullshit from a woman, the question is it worth what you are getting from her in return? All relationships are transactions and as long as you are getting more than you give then by all means do your thing.

Finally, as someone who has been married twice my advice to anyone would be never enter into a LTR with any female no matter how awesome they may appear until you accept the fact that you are existing in the realm of all possibilities; anything that could go wrong might go wrong. Do not enter a relationship unless you are prepared to walk away from in at any moment and by walk away I mean in a manner that does not leave you worse off (financially, emotionally, etc) than when you entered it.

OP, you are a grown ass man and are free to make your own way, do what you want just don't be surprised if others don't agree with you and don't be surprised if you get burned in the end. All I can say is consider the long term and keep in mind your kid who can suffer from your choice if the relationship doesn't work out.

[maxalton]

I appreciate your response, but you haven't answered my question

[Mufasa]

(04-11-2017 11:18 AM)Vill@in Wrote:  

Thanks for sharing your story, Peekay. It sucks you had to go through that, but you're on the other side now and you know the truth.

Quote:

2. Women are lazy and will always try to gain the maximum amount of attention with the least amount of effort. If they can rack up a decent amount of orbiters through looks and or flirtation they will. If they have to use actual sex to get the attention of a high value male they will. As their looks and desirability decrease women resort to more extreme behavior to get the male attention. If a man is in a LTR with a female who has many male friends it does not mean she is cheating on you. Unfortunatly, it means that your attention is not enough for her and as the wall approaches she will cheat on you to continue to receive the amount of attention she desires.

Exactly and this is why social media is crack to females. I would even argue a lot of them don't do this on purpose (i.e. I'm going to post this selfie so I get 50 likes), but rather they do it because it makes them feelz and they don't know why so they continue doing it because it must be right.

Our attention is our man-pussy. Don't give it away lightly

[Mufasa]

(04-18-2017 04:30 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

I appreciate your response, but you haven't answered my question

[PapayaTapper]

I contribute to this thread only in the hope that I might reach someone else as OP has clearly demonstrated his inability to see through the fog of his conflicting fears

That conflict between his fears:

The fear of losing her caused by the "red flags" in his OP (which caused enough doubt to cause him to come and post here)

and subsequently confronted by logic and reason that confirm those fears has exacerbated the secondary fear

The fear of never finding another girl who's at least as attractive, smart, loving etc.

This can actually be a good learning experience for the broader audience.

Fear

Small word. Big implications

Fear is fundamentally "half" of the single equation we as humans do (or have ever done in the history of humanity) anything and everything. More accurately it's the reason we dont act (But I'll get back to that a little further along)

Desire

The other half of The answer to the "why" of everything we do.

That statement is immutable

Fear and Desire

One negative / One positive

Fear pushes / Desire pulls

One repels / One attracts

I long ago learned that in order to affect any positive change desire must trump fear.

"What am I afraid of?" A question most people never honestly ask of themselves

"What do I really want?" The single hardest question to answer. But once you can let your true desire pull you everything in life gets simpler, clearer, funner and easier.

So lets run the OP's case through our Fear and Desire "matrix" ™; in this case the fear of all the red flags caused him to question, justifiably, whether their relationship would last

OP came in asking "will we make it long term?" That is a fear based question

Alternatively "Can I do better than her?" is a desire based question


The conflict of those fears is what is causing the OP's myriad of rationalizations in the face of overwhelming facts, experience and shared wisdom.

Fear. Pure and simple.

It truly isn't my intent to be overly harsh on the OP. Quite the opposite. I hope for the best and in the event this relationship doesn't work out that a seed has been planted and that he will become desire driven rather than fear averse.

Why does this matter?

Because this entire forum is built on the undeniable knowledge that the only way to "win" (what we desire) with women (and life on the bigger scale) is to let those desires overcome the fear of losing.

Put another way: Not giving a shit if you lose is the most sure fired way to win

Does that sound familiar when it comes to interacting with women?

[Jetset]

(04-18-2017 04:30 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

I appreciate your response, but you haven't answered my question

Look, she isn't going to leave you for a man who doesn't provide stability. She is a 30-year-old trainwreck with a kid.

I'm sure you realize that women routinely cheat on men who provide stability simply because somebody else made them wet, but stay with the men who provide stability and lie to them because it's simply the easiest way to get everything they want. This has gone on every day since the stone age.

For some crazy reason, you believe that wanting stability proves that she doesn't want to fuck those other guys. There is no connection between these two things. You also seem to believe that if she fucks those other guys, she'll leave you.

You want to believe that you have all the power because she wants stability and you offer stability, but the reality is that she has power over you, too, and she has moved quickly to establish more power over you by creating ties to your son. You admit that this is already a major reason you don't want her to leave, and the fact that you're afraid of her leaving? That is power over you.

You also admit that the term for what she is doing is "love bombing". She realizes that you're suspicious because you saw things she thought she was hiding from you. She deleted these guys on Facebook for your benefit, but took her fun to Instagram. Now she's trying to manipulate you by making a great display of telling you what you want to hear and showing you what you want to see.

She's playing games with you and you don't seem to know the rules. You will not win. This is not good. If you're OK with spending your life taking care of a woman and the daughter she had with another man while she fucks a bunch of "punks" behind your back, then Godspeed, but you should open your eyes that that is probably what you're signing up for.

[Vaun]

(04-18-2017 03:46 PM)maxalton Wrote:  

The biggest issue I have with that is-- you saying she doesn't want me or respect me. At this present moment, she's showing me alot of affection. I think it's called "love bombing" in the online world she tells me things and puts things on facebook about how much she loves me and how excited she is for our future together etc. That doesn't sound like somebody who's looking for the exit. Right or wrong?

Wrong. Its hard to take this seriously, I go back and forth thinking you are a troll, but maybe this will help someone else.

For all of the non-trolls; she is using these tools to lock you down and make you the new babies daddy. She has a live one, a real idiot, because you pursued her, and she didnt like you at first anyway. So, she figures she has a real sucker now. Soon, you will be watching her kids on girls nights out, looking at adoption papers, and finding an odd interest in cuckold porn. You're a trusting naive guy who could never imagine that a woman would use you for your resources, especially a single mom.