[asdfk]

What's up, folks!

It's time for a change. After hitting 100+ notches and travelling to 10+ countries for the past two years, it's time for something new.

I quit drinking, started rising early and planting the seeds to expand my business. In addition, I want a girlfriend.

I have never had a relationship that I consider successful. During college, I dated a few women for periods longer then 6 months but it didn't go anywhere. After the last failed attempt, I went celibate for 8 months and then started cold approaching. 100+ notches later, here we are.

You may ask: "asdfk, if you have banged 100+ chicks in 3 years, why didn't you end up with at least one in a relationship?"

Well:

1. I travelled to 10+ countries during the same period. I tried with one girl for 9 months, but the travel killed it. Lesson learned.
2. Most of the time, I tried very hard to not be boyfriend material. Being attractive is something else then being a good boyfriend.

Instead of going for the bang, I want to learn how to create a great relationship. I know that being attractive isn't my problem. Learning how to create connection and when to give is.

I focused on banging girls, and never paid much attention to how to get into a relationship with them. Combined with my constant travelling and very flirty way of hitting on girls, I'm setting myself up to have 1000 notches in 15 years and no wife / LTR whatsoever.

So this is my current plan:
0. Committing to stay in one place for at least one year for at least 8 months.
1. Plan 50 first dates.
2. Meet girls that aren't unbearable to be around me 2 more times.
3. If those 3 bangs don't bore me, I'll keep dating them. Out of the remaining candidates I will probably have some cool girls around me. If I don't, I will go back to step 1.
4. Doing the effort that comes with dating / working towards a relationship. Giving them romantic sex besides the animalistic variety, texting them, giving them nice experiences (besides the one in my pants).

Now my question to you:

What should I give the girls I'm seeing to create a good potential LTR? I'm talking everything that is in THEIR interest.

How do I create a strong connection? Everything that's in OUR interest, so in the interest of the relationship.

I'm explicitly not mentioning MY interest, since over the past years I have become a little bit too selfish and self-reliant. I therefore commit to not nexting a girl the first chance I get before I banged her at least 3 times. And also to be cautious nexting her when this happens after those 3 times. But if you have advice for other rules that are in my best interest, please share.

Let's go!

[Leonard D Neubache]

A big subject.

Ploughing thots is kind of like machine-gunning a herd of cattle but finding a good LTR is more like stalking for that one perfect beast.

Quote:

Now my question to you:

What should I give the girls I'm seeing to create a good potential LTR? I'm talking everything that is in THEIR interest.

How do I create a strong connection? Everything that's in OUR interest, so in the interest of the relationship.

For a start, ignore all mainstream modern advice. It's a given but it bears mention for new guys reading the thread.

I'm personally getting the sense that you're a very mission oriented guy and maybe a little intense as well. What is it you want from the LTR exactly, because that's a huge spectrum in and of itself. For some guys an LTR is simply fucking the same girl regularly while for others it means buying a dog and spending every waking minute together.

We need more details about what it is you want from this.

[CleanSlate]

As Leonard says, hard to know where to begin unless you tell us more about what you want.

The only comment I have right now is, why do you feel the need to plan the first 50 dates? My first instinct is that it's purely in jest, but given your posting history and online persona, I feel you're probably trying to plan out a relationship way out in advance.

Thing is, you've got to let your relationship grow by giving it breathing room. Planning everything out in advance is suffocating and doesn't allow for fun and spontaneity... you'd likely kill any relationship before it even starts.

There's nothing more fun to a girl than telling her, "hey let's pack our bags and go to xxxx this weekend" or when you're driving by some place that seems remotely interesting... "hey that place looks interesting, let's go check it out."

[astro]

I would take (if you haven't already) the Myers Briggs test. There are certain personalities that mesh extremely well in terms of communications and needs. For instance, I am an ENTP. I recently met an INFJ and we immediately hit it off (spent every night together for a week after meeting and the chemistry is amazing).

You'll generally have two "ideal" personality types to match with, but everyone is still an individual. If you read up on it, it's some deep shit about how we take in, process, and communicate information.

[Turnus]

This sounds like a receipe for disaster to me. I'm curious, how old are you? I'm guessing mid to late 20's?

That's about the time period that I started getting sick of "the game". I was banging lots of girls, having fun partying and being young, but noticed alot of my friends started getting married, having kids, etc. All of a sudden I started thinking "boy, I really would like a long term relationship"....That was the biggest mistake of my life. I latched on to the first girl that I thought was LTR material. Fast forward 17+ years and have just finished up a messy divorce, was stuck in a horrible marriage, I'm dealing with a crazy ex, and a host of other issues related to my need to "find someone"

My advice - keep living your life and doing your thing. Eventually something will come along and the feeling will be right - but not when you try to plan it like this.

[Vill@in]

Usually when you go looking for something specific (especially a LTR) you're going to overlook things that might bother you later but at the moment, lost in your desire to want, you'll overlook those things.

My advice is not to have a list of things you want in a LTR. Take things slow and don't expect too much.

Also are you 100% sure you want a LTR? I was like Turnus and in my late 20's I was influenced by my friends and family that I needed to settle down and have kids. I never got married but I did have kids. So I stayed in a LTR; But I knew, deep down, that life wasn't for me.

[Svoboda]

Am I correct to assume that since improving your game you haven't stayed in one place long term?

[Jim Johnson]

I went down that road 20 years ago. (Tried the PUA thing for a couple years, found religion and married)

First thing you got to realize, is that it is a life changing decision you are making, and it will take time. You cannot just put on an act and expect a quick response that is meaningful. If that is what you try, you will get the "reformed sluts" or fakes. This is worse than the sluts in your current dating pool. In order to get the genuine clean girl, you have to become what they want. Find a church that agrees with you and jump in with both feet. Go to all the activities. They will see you as the new guy, and the genuine girls will stay clear of you (they see this act from time to time). Keep going until you are able to completely immerse yourself in the culture, quit your bad habits, pick up the lingo, become what they want. Then, you move to another church of the same denomination. In the new church, you will be seen as genuine material. And, with your gaming skills you picked up in your past, you now have the skill set and are in a position to get that brass ring.

[asdfk]

(03-22-2017 05:56 AM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

The only comment I have right now is, why do you feel the need to plan the first 50 dates?

Thanks CS for bringing this up. I didn't mean I'll plan 50 dates for 1 girl in advance. I ment I'll plan one date for 50 different girls. Meeting 50 different girls for a first date will give me some initial volume to find out what I like, and potentially meet someone who meets the criteria outlined below. If I don't meet the right girl in that pool of 50 girls that's also fine. I'll just plan another batch of 50 dates.

Quote:

Thing is, you've got to let your relationship grow by giving it breathing room. Planning everything out in advance is suffocating and doesn't allow for fun and spontaneity... you'd likely kill any relationship before it even starts.

This makes a lot of sense. I'll keep this in mind. I might do some "hey, I just saw this awesome ___" for a second and third date, to try it out.

(03-22-2017 05:46 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

I'm personally getting the sense that you're a very mission oriented guy and maybe a little intense as well. What is it you want from the LTR exactly, because that's a huge spectrum in and of itself. For some guys an LTR is simply fucking the same girl regularly while for others it means buying a dog and spending every waking minute together.

Good point. My main criteria are:

1. I enjoy spending time with her. Especially when we are not engaged in an activity. It will come down to this is mostly the "happy" gene and communication style.
2. If there's drama, it's a small minority of time spent. And it's on a level that's manageable to me. (this needs some work, my puppy training skills have yet to develop a bit)
3. I want to feel the relationship is bringing me up and not holding me back. It's an addition to my life, and should not feel like a chore. When that happens, it's going straight for the suffocating situation a lot of men find themselves in and I will end it before it gets there.

You may think that the 1st criterium shouldn't be a challenge, but it is. You are right about my intensity, but I would just call it "impatient" and maybe "being judgemental". That's something I need to learn how to deal with better.

That's why I want to give most women at least 3 dates before I'll allow myself to dump them (unless they act disrespectful earlier). That's the bare minimum I need to get some idea about what hey are like as a person. For example, expecting a woman to not be nervous on the first date is just unrealistic. And nerves might make her temporarily less pleasant to be around.

Also notice that her following my lead and not disrespecting me is ingrained in these criteria.

When it comes to how much and in what way I want to spent time with her: I am not sure yet. As of now, I'm looking at a relationships more in terms of proximity. We have the option to spend a lot of time together, and we have bonded to such a degree that there is no pulling on either side. That's the ideal situation, but first I need to see how to get there.

(03-22-2017 08:23 AM)astro Wrote:  

I would take (if you haven't already) the Myers Briggs test. There are certain personalities that mesh extremely well in terms of communications and needs. For instance, I am an ENTP. I recently met an INFJ and we immediately hit it off (spent every night together for a week after meeting and the chemistry is amazing).

You'll generally have two "ideal" personality types to match with, but everyone is still an individual. If you read up on it, it's some deep shit about how we take in, process, and communicate information.

Hey astro. Did you find a way to seek out girls from a specific personality type? Did this test lead you to "knowing where to go" to meet the girls you like?

Vill@in Wrote:

Also are you 100% sure you want a LTR?

I'm 100% sure I want an LTR that fits the criteria above. If it doesn't, I'd rather stay single. If I don't like having the girl near me, she causes too much drama over a too long time-span or if she brings my life down, I'm out. Life is short.

And yes, I"m at the end of my twenties.

[astro]

Online profiles often contain Myers Briggs type. Also, based on what types are your natural match they usually have "watering holes" where you can day and night game for them at venues (museums, bookstores, low key whiskey bars, etc). Do your homework once you nail down your own type, then do homework on your match types. It's pretty legit and I almost always have found myself drawn to my match types.

[Leonard D Neubache]

Okay. That gives us something to work with.

Here's the thing. Your 50 dates method is a bit like fishing with a trawler. You might catch 50 fish but there's every chance that none of them are the specific kind you want.

Finding a good LTR is often better served by selective hunting (or spear-gun fishing if you want to continue the analogy). You have to figure out the kind of girl you want and seek her out specifically. A guy that wanted a nice, quiet girl with a brain in her head might go hunting at the library. A guy that wanted a girl who was seriously into fitness would go hunting at the gym. Etc etc.

How intensely you want to stalk your prey in this regard is up to you. Likely you'd have to use a different type of game to get a date once you'd figured out who you wanted to go after.

Selective hunting is time consuming, granted, but to my mind it makes more sense because lining up tons of dates is a little like tossing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Having said that, with social media and various other avenues for information gathering hunting for a suitable woman will be an immensely rewarding experience and a somewhat more traditional way to pursue what you're after.

At the end of the day you have to balance your own timeframes and skills I suppose. If you're only going to keep this one for a half a year or so then treating dates like job interviews might make sense. When it comes down to it you can always tell 'em "you're fired". But gals doing dates with players may not even be looking for something serious (or worse, might be gold diggers). Looking back I never knew a girl that was "dating and hooking up with guys" that I would have wanted to have an LTR with. The best ones are always the ones you swoop on who aren't even in the game.

[Dalaran1991]

First, I applause you for wanting to look for a girlfriend. Its a natural evolution of game after meaningless ONS.

You listed what you want out of a LTR, and the qualities she must have.

However, most people forget the very important part: what downsides you can tolerate, and live with?

Men have the same entitlement complex as women in the sense that they want the "perfect" girlfriends, except that no man is ever perfect.

If you are smart enough to understand that your woman might be great, but might not be perfect, what are you willing to put up with?

A girl who is passionate and feminine will often be very dramatic and clingy.
A girl who is "wise and experienced" enough to hold conversations with you, will probably have some sexual history behind that experience as well.
A girl who is submissive will often be emotionally very vulnerable.

(03-22-2017 08:08 PM)asdfk Wrote:  

1. I enjoy spending time with her. Especially when we are not engaged in an activity. It will come down to this is mostly the "happy" gene and communication style.
2. If there's drama, it's a small minority of time spent. And it's on a level that's manageable to me. (this needs some work, my puppy training skills have yet to develop a bit)
3. I want to feel the relationship is bringing me up and not holding me back. It's an addition to my life, and should not feel like a chore. When that happens, it's going straight for the suffocating situation a lot of men find themselves in and I will end it before it gets there.

Let's say she has all these qualities, but she is prone to cheating. Or she doesnt want an exclusive LTR with you. Are you ok with that?

Let's say you meet a girl who has the potential to be all 3, just not yet. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to make her your LTR? Will you be ready to walk away the moment you realize she is unsalvageable?

Let's say she has all these qualities, but she has some fucked up dogmatic beliefs that doesn't have anything to do with you or your LTR, but is annoying. Can you stand that?

[Leonard D Neubache]

If the relationship is relatively short term then he can hold her at arm's length to some degree.

I forgot to give an important piece of advice.

Youth. Learn to love it. The younger they are the more malleable they are. Personally I would not be looking for a girl with a certain set of beliefs. I would be looking for one young enough to have barely formed any at all.

Sexual desire but inexperience is also a valuable asset. You really ought to find a girl that you can shape to your own expectations. Again, you wont find those assets while bulk-dating carousel veterans.

[Vill@in]

(03-22-2017 08:08 PM)asdfk Wrote:  

I'm 100% sure I want an LTR that fits the criteria above. If it doesn't, I'd rather stay single. If I don't like having the girl near me, she causes too much drama over a too long time-span or if she brings my life down, I'm out. Life is short.

And yes, I"m at the end of my twenties.

Fair enough. Good luck brother!

[cawa:]

OP,

it's EXTREMELY unwise to bang a woman on the first three dates if you are looking for an LTR. sex affects the "every-day" dynamics heavily - especially for a woman - and instead of seeing hera/demetra energies of hers [essential for a ltr/marriage/family], you'l start seeing her [most likely ungrounded] aphrodite energies.

SCREEN women. do NOT go TOO fast. break you OWN pattern.

[Leonard D Neubache]

^ Good, sound advice from a newcomer.

[cawa:]

if you are as attractive/quick/seductive as you claim [this is NOT a challenge of your claims in any shape or form] AND you are looking to change you ways/score a quality LTR - "do the opposite" ala costanza.

play the long/old-fashioned game from the very start. if the above is true, your subcoms are solid and the sexual tension/attraction will be an ever-present undercurrent. but. without going for the bang right away you'll be able to screen a woman for:

- how does she behave when she is mildly aroused?

- how does she sustain higher and higher states of arousal? can she transmute that energy into cooking you a meal, for example?

- does she throw a fit/shut you off for good if she doesn't get what she wants [the D.] from you?

crudely speaking, given your history, present and future objectives, not only should you commit to three dates if there are no big red flags [your idea, not mine], but you should also get physically intimate only after she checks out all *other* LTR flags/desires/objectives of yours.

does this make sense?

[asdfk]

^This post make sense, but I don't get your earlier post. Can you phrase it in a way that's not so esoteric?

[cawa:]

^sure. the only possibly confusing parts are:

hera - greek goddess. wife of zeus. archtypical "wife" energy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hera

demetra - greek goddess. mother of persephone. archtypical "mother" energy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demeter

aphrodite - [you guessed it] greek goddess of LOVE/EROS. lover of ares god-of-war. archtypical "lover/consort/side-piece" energy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphrodite

read those articles to get a feel for those different energies. i find mythology much more useful than mbti [and the like] for typing/compatibility.

edit: one thing that helped me ENORMOUSLY to home my woman radar was [blue/fusion] partner dancing that i did for a couple of years in my twenties. different scenes have very different dynamics, but ours [in the bay] was very laid back and i was able to pretty much get a whole bunch of 5-10 minute "dates" with little effort and almost no hassle. of course, it didn't hurt that i absolutely loved dancing, so take THIS info with a grain of salt.

[Lunostrelki]

Find a girl whose family you get along with. Like I don't mean you don't have disagreements with them. I mean you and her parents (father, mostly) see eye to eye on things, can make small talk, and feel like you can help each other. After this, see how she fits into that dynamic. If she's pretty close to her parents and otherwise has no major problems then you're on good ground.

A lot of our modern problems are caused by people not having real extended families anymore.

[Leonard D Neubache]

I think what he meant is that if you come at a girl like she's a fucktoy then she's going to either recoil or play the role of the fucktoy, which is not what you're going for.

If you take it slower then she's going to see your relationship as being about something other than sex.

[cawa:]

(03-23-2017 09:47 PM)Lunostrelki Wrote:  

Find a girl whose family you get along with. Like I don't mean you don't have disagreements with them. I mean you and her parents (father, mostly) see eye to eye on things, can make small talk, and feel like you can help each other. After this, see how she fits into that dynamic. If she's pretty close to her parents and otherwise has no major problems then you're on good ground.

A lot of our modern problems are caused by people not having real extended families anymore.

this is a good advice, but it is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY ahead of the op's curve.

[asdfk]

(03-23-2017 09:49 PM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

I think what he meant is that is you come at a girl like she's a fucktoy then she's going to either recoil or play the role of the fucktoy, which is not what you're going for.

If you take it slower then she's going to see your relationship as being about something other than sex.

Makes perfecte sense. People are more likely to behave according to your expectations of them. Thanks for clearing that up.

[wi30]

There is a lot of great advice in this thread. But I don't think anyone has brought up attractiveness yet.

This is my opinion and some of you might disagree with it, but the ideal girlfriend isn't going to be a bombshell. You want a cute girl next door type. Not one that's smoking hot. Maybe 1 point lower than you on the attractiveness scale.

My ex of 2.5 years was what I would consider a 7-7.5. Good body, cute face, every guy would consider her attractive. As far as looks I'm probably in the 6-7 range (it's tough to actually rate yourself). The beginning was easy because she fell for my personality, but I had to deal with a ton of shit tests and she would constantly get hit on if she went out. I never had any issues with cheating but I can see how it would be a concern if you're dating an 8 or 9.

My current girl is probably a 5 or 6 and I've put up with way less bullshit on a daily basis. She essentially worships me. I actually prefer the relationship over my ex who was objectively more attractive. Another advantage with my current girl is she's Brazilian, so a lot more feminine than any Americans I've been with. But the frame is much easier to control with her as she cares way more in the relationship, whereas with my ex I probably cared more towards the end. A chick I banged on the side actually stalked and messaged my current girlfriend on Facebook. My girlfriend took my lame excuse at face value and never brought it up again.

I'm obviously not telling you guys to shack up with dogs, but unless you have extremely high value, any 8 or 9 is going to be tough to date. If you're a pro athlete or movie star, you are obviously higher value than the hottest girls. But as an average dude, a girl that is leaning closer to average is going to be less of a headache than one that guys are constantly trying to steal.

At the end of the day we all just want a warm hole to stick our dick in with as little bullshit as possible. An average girl slightly below you in the looks/value department is going to be the best option. You can still bang hot crazy girls on the side, but a 5-7 girl is going to be ideal for something long-term.

[cawa:]

(03-23-2017 10:47 PM)wi30 Wrote:  

At the end of the day we all just want a warm hole to stick our dick in with as little bullshit as possible. An average girl slightly below you in the looks/value department is going to be the best option. You can still bang hot crazy girls on the side, but a 5-7 girl is going to be ideal for something long-term.

damn, man, that's a pretty bleak way of living. i CERTAINLY do not want a [unicorn-NAWALT :-)] girl with **looks** below mine.

she doesn't have to be a 10, but i'd better have more aesthetic pleasure from looking at her than at my own self [reflection or not]. otherwise, why even bother?