Okay, so, yeah, on the surface, this is a small thing. Sounds to me though like Vince isn't talking about a once in a blue moon happening. If you are out and about like this, doing your work in a cafe or a library, you are essentially solitary in public, and if this happens over and over, I can see how it would get on your nerves.
Like, you were fine saying yes the first thousand times, and then it got annoying. You start to see certain patterns in human behavior, and one that is on the rise is everyone walking around like they are the main character not only in their movie, but in your movie too.
The main character drives the action forward, and everyone else is just an extra, a background guy, who exist only for the convenience of the main character and the plot moving forward. Watch my stuff. Tell me the time. Give me a cigarette. Give me a light. Let me use your phone. Tell me where the jail is.
I'm feeling you here Vince, you are reacting against a bunch of people you don't know treating you like the background guy, and you aren't the background guy, you are a stranger living his own life and getting tired of lazy complacent strangers taking you for granted.
You also feel pressure, as a decent adult, to say yes to small requests, like we all do. Unfortunately there is a small army of people, or in the case of my town a large one, walking around all day trying to get free things and free services from other people. Who knows, ultimately, what the motivation for it is, although I would suspect that on some level it makes them feel valuable, validated even, when they walk around asking for and getting things from strangers without having to give anything back.
It's the real life version of clicking on your posts repeatedly to see what likes you got.
It is definitely on the rise, and people are getting more and more bold about what they ask for from strangers. I have seen the scummiest, rudest people walk right up to other people and basically demand the use of their smartphone. How did this become acceptable, to demand an expensive mini-computer filled with personal information at the whim of some scrapper?
You want me to watch your shit.
Why, does it do tricks?
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What makes this situation so sticky is that a bunch of demanding bozos wear you down over time, and so when the next one comes up to you, technically, he has no responsibility for all the other dorks who interrupted you over the years, so you can't really blast him or anything.
Why not take it as an opportunity to work on holding frame, in other words, let your words and actions convey to them that is not your job to exist
as a convenience to them.
Obviously, I wouldn't be writing at length about this if I haven't had to deal with it personally, so I will toss in here a few of the strategies I have come up with.
Where I live, there are so many strangers making requests, that one time,while I was telling one person where something was, another one roared up in a truck and tried to interrupt that favor to get me to tell her where the jail was. I told her to wait her turn, and she flipped me off and peeled out of there.
I have had people yell at me and spit at me and threaten me when I didn't hand over a cigarette.
I have had people start to walk away with my lighter after I let them use it.
I have had boyfriends rush over and threaten me when I didn't let their girlfriend use my cell phone.
The real issue is not whether or not you are willing to do a kindness for a stranger. The issue is that there are a lot of people out there now who take and take and give nothing back, and they are taking advantage of social norms, over using them to the point that they truly feel you
owe it to them to serve them.
That's what has changed.
Twenty years ago, maybe once a month a stranger would ask something of you, and now I get asked for things between 5 and 30 times every day.
As far as I am concerned, asking strangers for shit is totally played out.
I have had people ask me for the time when there is a huge clock right in front of them at a bus station. I once had a girl in a university library with about ten bucks worth of Starbucks food and drink in front of her ask for a dollar for the copy machine.
Yeah, on the surface, no big deal, but I was totally scandalized. You spoiled little bitch I thought. I just smiled at her, said no, and went back to my computer screen.
I could feel her stewing next to me, until finally she got up and stood over me,
in tears, and said, reproachfully,
"Thanks for your concern and compassion!"
This is key to why you should not care about serving strangers anymore. She was calling me out, trying to shame me, treating me like I was a person who had walked away from a hit and run, and all because she didn't get her way.
"You're welcome!" I said in an annoyingly friendly voice, because I had shown her compassion. I hadn't let her suck me in to her selfishness. It was just what was needed, compassion-wise.
Baby Central! We are living in spoiled little baby central.
So, here are some ways to deal with these monsters.
- Say no. Not madly or coldly, that just gives them the excuse to have a tantrum. Say no with a friendly smile on your face, and go back to what you are doing.
- If you have headphones on, gesture for them to wait, turn off what you are listening to, and say, "I was listening to a lecture. Now what did you want?" This lets them know they interrupted you, and that you are not just the background guy waiting for orders. If they are being just too stupid, say, "You interrupted me for that?' Not angrily, quizzically.
- Say, "I'm not the background guy." This confuses them, and will usually make them go away.
- This is my favorite. No matter what they ask, say, "I'm on strike." Good because it is true, and slightly confusing, so they can't jump in on a guilt trip. If they ask why, you can say, truthfully again, "Better pay, better working conditions." No one has ever given me trouble after this one.
Getting mad, getting cold, getting short with them just prolongs the interaction and isn't worth it.
I will tell you what never to say. I have tried a bunch of things, and this one, though it made sense at the time, was the worst one of all. Don't say,
Quote:Quote:
I don't do things for women.
I know, a deeply satisfying thing to say, and a strong bit of frame. Unfortunately, the drama isn't worth it. I have been at the center of a couple of insane public freakouts just for quietly and calmly uttering these words. I have had girls go and get their boyfriends to come over and threaten me, and women shriek like banshees when they hear it. Not worth it. Too red pill.
If it is a woman asking for a favor, and you want to game her, my go to is, no matter what she asks,
"I already have a girlfriend." This one gets hilarious reactions and is pretty fun. She starts instantly qualifying herself: "I just wanted a light!" Sure, sure.
That's about it I guess. I will finish by saying that there is something deeper going on here than just doing a favor for a stranger.
Strangers these days are more demanding than ever, and they get so mean if you say no that there is something deep seated going on.
If I had to guess what it was, I would say that we are more separate and atomized than ever, and when people come up for air from their electronic bubbles, and notice people around them, on some level they must realize their alienation and their lack of connection to their fellow human beings, and their instinctive impulse is to take something (God forbid they would give anything.) to feel that they still have some sort of standing with other people. Watch my stuff. He did? Cool. I am a cool person and people are cool with me. Back to Twitter.
The reason I think it is a deeper issue is they take it so badly when you say no. It is as if you have reached into their emotional pocket and stolen their self image.
I have had people standing over me screaming, "It's
just a cigarette!" repeatedly in a manic voice, and nothing I say changes it:
"And I
just said no."
"You could try asking someone else."
"It's good to hear no sometimes. Keeps you from taking people for granted."
Anyway, like people parking in front of your house, sometimes the small stuff really is the big stuff, and you have to give it some thought and deal with it, and not let anyone make you feel guilty about having your gut response to it.
And also, if you are having a good day, and they ask nicely, just watch the stuff.
(Edit: Ha! Here's something funny. I am writing this in a library, and just as I was finishing it up a fat ugly chick with neck tattoos interrupted me to try to borrow my phone so she could do a Craigslist post. She didn't say excuse me. She didn't ask nicely. And when I said no, she just turned and walked away, like you would for a soda machine that doesn't work. Lucky for me I am a black belt in favor-fu. I repelled her attack without getting kicked out of the library.)
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