[ksbms]

(02-26-2017 05:59 PM)Vaun Wrote:  

(02-26-2017 04:41 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

I don't believe in karma or anything of that sort but, for better or worse, the first time we had sex was on... April Fool's Day. Life can be by way of a joke, literally, sometimes. Go figure .

Good on you for no contact. As long as you hold out, its on her. And if she contacts you, then you own her. She knows this and its why shes staying away. Let her make the first move [...]

Thanks, dude. Not sure what you make of your kind words but I presume she's forgotten me long time ago.

[scheme00]

Long story short, I dated this girl for a few months and came in too strong so she kicked me to the curb. I went no contact on her and saw her at my friends party last night. She was grabbing onto my arm and clearly interested in chatting with me and said how good I looked. She wandered around the party with her friends so I left quickly before I said goodbye. Now I feel like texting her and chasing her...which I know is wrong.

[Vaun]

Two of my ex's just ran a half marathon in my town today. I want to look on the site to see the pictures of them. I know what I will see, but its stupid to look.

[Pollito]

I'm right now doing some cleaning in my house, organizing and filing away documents from the past few years that I had stashed away in random drawers and other crevices. It's like an archaeological dig -- the deeper I go the farther back the strata date -- and as I go along I'm coming across various artifacts related to a woman I was with for years and with whom, at the tail end of those years, I shared a brief marriage (no children). Shopping lists for projects she decided to do around the house or meals she was going to cook for me, little notes she would leave for me, letters she would write while I was traveling, photographs, etc. Reminders of times I had completely forgotten about when things went south and we ended it, and certainly had pushed out of my mind until now.

The flood of memories and emotions that I'm feeling now, I've never had to grapple with before, so it's a little difficult. But I'm resisting irrational thoughts or actions (e.g. sending some sort of pathetic, seemingly innocent How've you been text) by reminding myself that the only reason we're apart is that she at some point gave up on me. It takes two to tango not only into a relationship but also out of one.

[ksbms]

(04-02-2017 05:46 PM)Pollito Wrote:  

I'm right now doing some cleaning in my house, organizing and filing away documents from the past few years that I had stashed away in random drawers and other crevices. It's like an archaeological dig -- the deeper I go the farther back the strata date -- and as I go along I'm coming across various artifacts related to a woman I was with for years and with whom, at the tail end of those years, I shared a brief marriage (no children). Shopping lists for projects she decided to do around the house or meals she was going to cook for me, little notes she would leave for me, letters she would write while I was traveling, photographs, etc. Reminders of times I had completely forgotten about when things went south and we ended it, and certainly had pushed out of my mind until now.

The flood of memories and emotions that I'm feeling now, I've never had to grapple with before, so it's a little difficult. But I'm resisting irrational thoughts or actions (e.g. sending some sort of pathetic, seemingly innocent How've you been text) by reminding myself that the only reason we're apart is that she at some point gave up on me. It takes two to tango not only into a relationship but also out of one.

It's eminently perspicacious to me that your stylistic strength in English will provision your mind with inner peace before the vaults of heaven let the sun come out again.

[Pollito]

(04-02-2017 06:24 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

(04-02-2017 05:46 PM)Pollito Wrote:  

I'm right now doing some cleaning in my house, organizing and filing away documents from the past few years that I had stashed away in random drawers and other crevices. It's like an archaeological dig -- the deeper I go the farther back the strata date -- and as I go along I'm coming across various artifacts related to a woman I was with for years and with whom, at the tail end of those years, I shared a brief marriage (no children). Shopping lists for projects she decided to do around the house or meals she was going to cook for me, little notes she would leave for me, letters she would write while I was traveling, photographs, etc. Reminders of times I had completely forgotten about when things went south and we ended it, and certainly had pushed out of my mind until now.

The flood of memories and emotions that I'm feeling now, I've never had to grapple with before, so it's a little difficult. But I'm resisting irrational thoughts or actions (e.g. sending some sort of pathetic, seemingly innocent How've you been text) by reminding myself that the only reason we're apart is that she at some point gave up on me. It takes two to tango not only into a relationship but also out of one.

It's eminently perspicacious to me that your stylistic strength in English will provision your mind with inner peace before the vaults of heaven let the sun come out again.

That reminds me; I almost forgot to proffer a germane thesis statement to accompany my verbal musings!:

"Bitches ain't shit but hoes n tricks"

[Ironbutt62]

I had a near miss on this issue several months back....
My daughter gets married this June. Her mother, from whom I've been divorced 17 years, sent her a long, sobby letter... wanted to attend the wedding. We have not laid eyes on this woman since she cashed her settlement check those many years ago. ( I convinced her to take a lump sum, rather than ongoing support).
Needless to say, I was not looking forward to seeing her. For all the reasons you might expect. She had been, physically, the closest thing to a true 10 I've ever laid eyes on in my 54 years. But evil and bitch in heat to her filthy core.
My daughter was very distressed at how to answer the letter and I was prepared to have to make the dreaded call. However , my soon to be son-in-law told me in confidence, he had contacted her and her current boy-toy, on my daughters behalf, and disabused them of the notion that they would be welcomed. He just told my daughter that it was dealt with and not to worry.
Im so glad I set a long example of Alpha Male, that is what she sought for her husband.

[questor70]

For some reason Yahoo accidentally sent one of my draft emails to my Stage 5 clinger ex last week.

She writes back and within a few exchanges it seems like we're wiping away the residual bad-blood surrounding the breakup, not that I absolutely needed it, but worthwhile. Then since her personality is so unstable, she can't just leave it alone and see-saws from apologies to childish insults.

I know what the insults are about, though. It's a combination of hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and trying to whip up some drama that she can manipulate. Once she said she had a new boyfriend, which was probably meant to instill jealousy, I tried to short-circuit things by telling her he probably wouldn't be happy if he knew she's communicating with her ex. But that still hasn't quite stopped the flow. It may finally be over now, or it may not be. That's the sort of low-level angst you agree to when you leave an open channel of communication rather than just filtering the messages to the trash.

My guess is that her new boyfriend is a step down from me, someone who gives her unconditional validation in ways I wouldn't, but is a dud in the sack , and she is probing me to see if she can either monkeybranch back or get some discrete side-action. Neither proposition is appealing.

She's one of those people who just can't stand being alone. She jumps the gun so quickly and then grabs hold for dear life. That winds up wasting huge chunks of her life with the wrong people. I used to operate in much the same way but I've at least gathered the strength to identify and end flawed relationships before wasting years of my life that I no longer have the luxury to waste. I tried to teach her to do the same for her own good, but I don't think she's learned a thing. Of course, the point of "No Contact" is to no longer give a f*ck. Her problems, not mine.

[PapayaTapper]

(04-03-2017 09:44 PM)questor70 Wrote:  

I used to operate in much the same way but I've at least gathered the strength to identify and end flawed relationships before wasting years of my life that I no longer have the luxury to waste.

Oh really? Have you now?

C'mon man. I see small signs of an ability to be better. You can do it.

We're here to help

[PapayaTapper]

(04-03-2017 03:59 PM)Ironbutt62 Wrote:  

I had a near miss on this issue several months back....
My daughter gets married this June. Her mother, from whom I've been divorced 17 years, sent her a long, sobby letter... wanted to attend the wedding. We have not laid eyes on this woman since she cashed her settlement check those many years ago. ( I convinced her to take a lump sum, rather than ongoing support).
Needless to say, I was not looking forward to seeing her. For all the reasons you might expect. She had been, physically, the closest thing to a true 10 I've ever laid eyes on in my 54 years. But evil and bitch in heat to her filthy core.
My daughter was very distressed at how to answer the letter and I was prepared to have to make the dreaded call. However , my soon to be son-in-law told me in confidence, he had contacted her and her current boy-toy, on my daughters behalf, and disabused them of the notion that they would be welcomed. He just told my daughter that it was dealt with and not to worry.
Im so glad I set a long example of Alpha Male, that is what she sought for her husband.

[just a human]

When longest relationship in my life (7,5 years) came to the end,i knew nothing about "no contact rule". But something in my subconscious mind whispered to me-if i want to be happy i should never contact her again.
And i instinctively did that.
She left me. But in that relationship i wasn't a nice guy. I was really bad. I didn't care about her. I spent her money. I did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship. And you know what-it was one of the best relationships in my life.(!!!) I was more interested in my job, that i really love, than in any women. At the same time i had very strong attraction to her.
And when she left,i felt really sad,but at the same time-i wanted go to the clubs and bars again,i wanted to get back in the game as soon as possible. This desire + no contact, helped me to relatively easy get over oenitis.
Of course, first months i was thinking about her a lot (but didn't contacted her),but then, one day, i decided-i should end this. And i sent her a text-the last one. I simply apologized to her,that i was bad. But i didn't tried to reconnect with her!
She responded,that she appreciates this,and she said,that she thought , that SHE was doing something wrong. (!!!)
After that-i somehow felt free of the past,and never contacted her again.

Couple days ago i made a mistake-contacted too soon after first bang, with girl who i really like- a potential new plate. Attraction sometimes is so strong that,you make mistakes. I am going to "no contact" with her for a 10 days,but i think it wont help. But who knows...

[Cattle Rustler]

My case needs a whole fucking thread.

Craziest day of my life.

And there was a whole new plot twist!

Thanks for all the guys who supported me. I seriously thought the worse.

[Vaun]

(04-06-2017 08:08 PM)just a human Wrote:  

When longest relationship in my life (7,5 years) came to the end,i knew nothing about "no contact rule". But something in my subconscious mind whispered to me-if i want to be happy i should never contact her again.
And i instinctively did that.
She left me. But in that relationship i wasn't a nice guy. I was really bad. I didn't care about her. I spent her money. I did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship. And you know what-it was one of the best relationships in my life.(!!!) I was more interested in my job, that i really love, than in any women. At the same time i had very strong attraction to her.
And when she left,i felt really sad,but at the same time-i wanted go to the clubs and bars again,i wanted to get back in the game as soon as possible. This desire + no contact, helped me to relatively easy get over oenitis.
Of course, first months i was thinking about her a lot (but didn't contacted her),but then, one day, i decided-i should end this. And i sent her a text-the last one. I simply apologized to her,that i was bad. But i didn't tried to reconnect with her!
She responded,that she appreciates this,and she said,that she thought , that SHE was doing something wrong. (!!!)
After that-i somehow felt free of the past,and never contacted her again.

Couple days ago i made a mistake-contacted too soon after first bang, with girl who i really like- a potential new plate. Attraction sometimes is so strong that,you make mistakes. I am going to "no contact" with her for a 10 days,but i think it wont help. But who knows...

It sounds like you did a lot of things right, which kept her with you for so long, and now she is second guessing herself for losing you. I'm not known for this, but are you sure you want to be without her? Maybe you did things you are not proud of, but some women will cut you the slack, because a) they love you and b) they love you despite your serious flaws. That is very rare. When you can just be yourself, get on with your mission, and have a little devoted hottie by your side. Are you sure its over with her? You seem to own up to your faults(good), and she is wondering what she did wrong to lose you. If she is feeling that way, then nothing you did was too much for her, you didnt push her over the line where she leaves you for good. I like to use the old doc love analogy of Interest Level. At 50% and below, she loses all love and desire for you. At 100% shes asking you to marry her, and she bought rings. Maybe you needed a break. Maybe I am giving terrible advice. I dont know, you sound like a natural dude, haha.

[david.garrett84]

Not a relationship, but still relevant.

Have had an entanglement with a girl in the CZ for some time.

She was keen to meet up for some drinks, hopefully for us to take things much further, but she flaked pretty badly. I had the misfortune of running into her and her friends afterwards at her workplace, where was a paying customer. I presumed she wouldn't be there as it was her day/night off.

Massive shit test presumably going on. Or perhaps both a shit test and a sort of retribution because she saw me out last night drinking at a place and I hadn't told her.

Have to admit, it wasn't easy sitting there drinking my coffee a whole 8 metres or so from her.

I meet with friends at this place where she works all the time and have since before she worked there. I won't go cold turkey on this place, but I will make a point of not contacting her until she gets her act together. If she doesn't, oh well, nothing lost.

[MaceTyrell]

Have been roughly 2 months of no contact. Although I have social media stalked her almost daily, and called her presumably old number. Been more than four months and it is getting slightly better.

Regardless, a thought that came to mind today (that may help others) is that women are wired differently: when a girl has "given up" on you, they are able to rationalize themselves to a point where no matter how much you "meant" to them, they have absolutely no desire to contact you.

Especially when that girl has dealt with loss before. Nothing helps pretending a past bf doesn't exist like a dead parent!

[General Stalin]

(04-20-2017 09:38 AM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  

Have been roughly 2 months of no contact. Although I have social media stalked her almost daily, and called her presumably old number. Been more than four months and it is getting slightly better.

Block her on social media.

It does you zero benefit to be looking her up.

[Vaun]

(04-20-2017 09:38 AM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  

Have been roughly 2 months of no contact. Although I have social media stalked her almost daily, and called her presumably old number. Been more than four months and it is getting slightly better.

Regardless, a thought that came to mind today (that may help others) is that women are wired differently: when a girl has "given up" on you, they are able to rationalize themselves to a point where no matter how much you "meant" to them, they have absolutely no desire to contact you.

Especially when that girl has dealt with loss before. Nothing helps pretending a past bf doesn't exist like a dead parent!

+ on Gen Stalins advice - block her on social media, get rid of all of her pictures, and put her out of your mind completely.

You're right, all women are like this. They all have a point they cross where they give zero fucks about you, ever again. All of the exes that dumped me have shown me that.. thats why they go away and never contact you again. The girls I've dumped though, most I can contact and start things up again pretty easily. Every woman is wired this way, but its good for you to know that this line exists now in women. That if you push them past it, there is no going back. So you know that if she hasn't crossed the zero fucks line with you, you still have a chance. The old Doc Love analogy is that, this line is her 50% interest level. At 100% interest level, shes asking you to marry her and would do literally anything for you. At 50%, its the point of no return, where she will never, ever care anything about you, ever again. So if you dont go below 50%, you still have a shot with her. Now that you know this, you can manage your next girls interest level, and constantly know where hers is, so you can respond accordingly and drive it back up. On to the next one. And cut that social media shit out...

[ksbms]

(02-26-2017 04:41 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

(02-26-2017 10:43 AM)ksbms Wrote:  

(01-22-2017 05:10 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

It's been almost a month of NC since the last time me and my ex have spoken on the phone (and nearly 2 months since we've seen each other last time) and I'm getting nostalgic... The fact I didn't get laid since then, doesn't help either but I keep approaching on a daily basis.

It rubs me the wrong way that I try to rationalise it by saying it was me who initiated soft next so I wasn't dumped (however during the last call I asked her to 'think about it' without clearly saying what I meant but it was obvious anyway). Alas, by the time we spoke the last time she said she's been seeing someone else and happy with him which almost certainly means she monkey branched or had a back up guy lined up for weeks...

So I'm staying strong but takes a mental effort to do so.

I think it's time for an update as I'm contemplating my having entered the NC mode.

Full, two months have passed and I've stuck to my resolve, I haven't contacted her (neither she has me). I feel good about it, that I managed to stay strong and preserved my self-respect. I have an intuition that, roughly, two months make a sweet spot, less than that is not enough. By now, I know I will never reach out to her again.

Emotionally, I think I'm not 100% over yet - I do still sometimes think about her, I'm somewhat romantically inclined guy, and harbour timid thoughts she'd reach out to me - it would have felt good to have my ego massaged, to say the least. Not sure what I'd do, if she contacted me, but it shows that I still care.

Perhaps it's got something with the fact that I just don't see as many sexy and good looking girls here, in Scotland, but I keep approaching whenever I can! Seeing around town many as attractive girls and, ideally having banged a sexy, young, pretty girl(s) would've helped a lot to move on and forget about her.

Ironically, being able to hold on to NC without banging a single new girl since we've parted only show's a much stronger, I believe, frame, albeit unintentionally.

I would like to thank all the posters in this thread and everyone who commented on my posts. It did help to share experiences, get insight,and advice to stay strong.

I don't believe in karma or anything of that sort but, for better or worse, the first time we had sex was on... April Fool's Day. Life can be by way of a joke, literally, sometimes. Go figure .

Not sure where it came from, but I just got today a yearning for reaching out to the girl. I've been on strict NC since we spoke last time but it's just there, subsided, truth be told, but the feeling not entirely gone...

I need to find a new girl(s) as soon as possible but this proves, despite my best effort, difficult. I lowered my standards but no luck so far.

[questor70]

(04-20-2017 12:05 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

(04-20-2017 09:38 AM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  

Have been roughly 2 months of no contact. Although I have social media stalked her almost daily, and called her presumably old number. Been more than four months and it is getting slightly better.

Block her on social media.
It does you zero benefit to be looking her up.

Mace's ongoing struggles resonates for me.

I don't want to go into particulars but I had an unusual level of access to one of my exes search behavior and I spent a long stretch of time (I think it was two years) following along. I rationalized it at first because I had questions I felt needed answering that couldn't be answered because of her cutting me off. I managed to piece together what I needed and from that point onward all I was doing was reinforcing my conclusion that she had doubled-down on a dead-end lifestyle that I had invested a lot of time and energy to rescue her from.

Reading between the lines of Mace's posts I get a sense that he wants a reminder that his ex still thinks of him. I was doing some of that too, and the evidence of that was few and far between. I cared less about that than I just wanted to feel like I had some lasting positive impact in maybe getting her shit together, but it didn't happen, which left me feeling like our time was nothing but a disposable turn around the cock carousel for her.

I will never be able to get back the time I wasted doing this stuff. By the end of it all I was thinking was how much more time I had spent feeling angry and miserable vs. the brief little window of good times I had with this woman. That "long tail" of misery was doing nothing but tipping the scales in my memory of the entire experience more and more towards the negative. If I had more red-pill knowledge back then I would never have placed my trust in this woman's words in the first place, so when she invariably broke promises and turned on me I would have seen it as par for the course.

It's best to treat any relations with women as at-will employment. No matter how good it may seem, it's here today, gone tomorrow. Shrug off any bullshit about loving you until the end of time and just enjoy what you have while you have it, knowing that it won't last.

It's not just contact, it's the time spent just thinking about your ex that is self-hurtful. Mace may be no-contact but he hasn't flushed his mind of her enough to really have gotten out the other side. I don't think there's a way to do this without finding something new to replace that focus. If it's not a new relationship it has to be some sort of personal project or hobby. Anything as long as it's stimulating enough to feel more worth your attention than trying to itch where you can't scratch.

Whether women find it easier to bounce back after a breakup or not doesn't matter. You have to tend to yourself. The type of guys who have the hardest time moving on are introverts with lots of idle time to feel sorry for themselves. When you think of Eternal Sunshine, think of how nonexistent their social life was outside of their relationship. When you're not socializing with other people you wind up falling back to inner dialogue and ruminating through memories.

Time does heal all wounds in the end. Even though I sometimes wax philosophical about this particular episode, it no longer has the ability to give me that "pang in the chest" sensation it used to. Somehow it's been filed away so I can look at it in sort of a cold and clinical way. Unfortunately it took, I dunno, 3-4 years for it to wind down to this point. It would have taken less if I had adopted healthier routines. So Mace, you gotta avoid going down that road.

[ksbms]

(05-02-2017 09:17 AM)questor70 Wrote:  

(04-20-2017 12:05 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

(04-20-2017 09:38 AM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  

Have been roughly 2 months of no contact. Although I have social media stalked her almost daily, and called her presumably old number. Been more than four months and it is getting slightly better.

Block her on social media.
It does you zero benefit to be looking her up.

Mace's ongoing struggles resonates for me.

I don't want to go into particulars but I had an unusual level of access to one of my exes search behavior and I spent a long stretch of time (I think it was two years) following along. I rationalized it at first because I had questions I felt needed answering that couldn't be answered because of her cutting me off. I managed to piece together what I needed and from that point onward all I was doing was reinforcing my conclusion that she had doubled-down on a dead-end lifestyle that I had invested a lot of time and energy to rescue her from.

Reading between the lines of Mace's posts I get a sense that he wants a reminder that his ex still thinks of him. I was doing some of that too, and the evidence of that was few and far between. I cared less about that than I just wanted to feel like I had some lasting positive impact in maybe getting her shit together, but it didn't happen, which left me feeling like our time was nothing but a disposable turn around the cock carousel for her.

I will never be able to get back the time I wasted doing this stuff. By the end of it all I was thinking was how much more time I had spent feeling angry and miserable vs. the brief little window of good times I had with this woman. That "long tail" of misery was doing nothing but tipping the scales in my memory of the entire experience more and more towards the negative. If I had more red-pill knowledge back then I would never have placed my trust in this woman's words in the first place, so when she invariably broke promises and turned on me I would have seen it as par for the course.

It's best to treat any relations with women as at-will employment. No matter how good it may seem, it's here today, gone tomorrow. Shrug off any bullshit about loving you until the end of time and just enjoy what you have while you have it, knowing that it won't last.

It's not just contact, it's the time spent just thinking about your ex that is self-hurtful. Mace may be no-contact but he hasn't flushed his mind of her enough to really have gotten out the other side. I don't think there's a way to do this without finding something new to replace that focus. If it's not a new relationship it has to be some sort of personal project or hobby. Anything as long as it's stimulating enough to feel more worth your attention than trying to itch where you can't scratch.

Whether women find it easier to bounce back after a breakup or not doesn't matter. You have to tend to yourself. The type of guys who have the hardest time moving on are introverts with lots of idle time to feel sorry for themselves. When you think of Eternal Sunshine, think of how nonexistent their social life was outside of their relationship. When you're not socializing with other people you wind up falling back to inner dialogue and ruminating through memories.

Time does heal all wounds in the end. Even though I sometimes wax philosophical about this particular episode, it no longer has the ability to give me that "pang in the chest" sensation it used to. Somehow it's been filed away so I can look at it in sort of a cold and clinical way. Unfortunately it took, I dunno, 3-4 years for it to wind down to this point. It would have taken less if I had adopted healthier routines. So Mace, you gotta avoid going down that road.

Insightful post. I think there's something hardwired in us, men, when we decide to care about a woman, for us it means 'now and in the future', whereas for women it is only 'now'. What hurts more is not just that particular girl - there hundreds out there more suitable any given day - but the fact it was so easy for a girl to replace us with another man, and forget about us, whereas we think about it, ruminate, and concoct ideas how it could have been if this or that or, even worse, how to get her back.

Or, perhaps, it's just got to do with the fact of of scarcity - had a man, who pains over a particular girl, have easy access to pretty and sexy girls to continuously fuck them or segue into miniLTRs, then the experienced loss wouldn't have appeared, akin to a man who feasts occasionally, and most of the time goes around hungry. A man who eats regularly, never experiences the hunger...

[ExploringReality]

(05-02-2017 06:19 AM)ksbms Wrote:  

(02-26-2017 04:41 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

(02-26-2017 10:43 AM)ksbms Wrote:  

(01-22-2017 05:10 PM)ksbms Wrote:  

It's been almost a month of NC since the last time me and my ex have spoken on the phone (and nearly 2 months since we've seen each other last time) and I'm getting nostalgic... The fact I didn't get laid since then, doesn't help either but I keep approaching on a daily basis.

It rubs me the wrong way that I try to rationalise it by saying it was me who initiated soft next so I wasn't dumped (however during the last call I asked her to 'think about it' without clearly saying what I meant but it was obvious anyway). Alas, by the time we spoke the last time she said she's been seeing someone else and happy with him which almost certainly means she monkey branched or had a back up guy lined up for weeks...

So I'm staying strong but takes a mental effort to do so.

I think it's time for an update as I'm contemplating my having entered the NC mode.

Full, two months have passed and I've stuck to my resolve, I haven't contacted her (neither she has me). I feel good about it, that I managed to stay strong and preserved my self-respect. I have an intuition that, roughly, two months make a sweet spot, less than that is not enough. By now, I know I will never reach out to her again.

Emotionally, I think I'm not 100% over yet - I do still sometimes think about her, I'm somewhat romantically inclined guy, and harbour timid thoughts she'd reach out to me - it would have felt good to have my ego massaged, to say the least. Not sure what I'd do, if she contacted me, but it shows that I still care.

Perhaps it's got something with the fact that I just don't see as many sexy and good looking girls here, in Scotland, but I keep approaching whenever I can! Seeing around town many as attractive girls and, ideally having banged a sexy, young, pretty girl(s) would've helped a lot to move on and forget about her.

Ironically, being able to hold on to NC without banging a single new girl since we've parted only show's a much stronger, I believe, frame, albeit unintentionally.

I would like to thank all the posters in this thread and everyone who commented on my posts. It did help to share experiences, get insight,and advice to stay strong.

I don't believe in karma or anything of that sort but, for better or worse, the first time we had sex was on... April Fool's Day. Life can be by way of a joke, literally, sometimes. Go figure .

Not sure where it came from, but I just got today a yearning for reaching out to the girl. I've been on strict NC since we spoke last time but it's just there, subsided, truth be told, but the feeling not entirely gone...

I need to find a new girl(s) as soon as possible but this proves, despite my best effort, difficult. I lowered my standards but no luck so far.

It's been well over a year since I last had any contact with my first gf (5 years of relationship). It was difficult the first 2 months. Having a new girl back then was the thing that helped me the most, when it was over and I hit a quite long dry spell I had fleeting thoughts about her, that ended up almost disappearing as time went on. Now, well over a year, and being in relationships with new girls, it took me to see this thread to realize that a year had already passed.

You will soon get a new girl and get your mind off the old, but even if that doesn't happen, you will forget given enough time. The most important thing I learnt whilst going through this myself was to not fight those arising thoughts, you just see them, say "well fuck, that's over" and do your own thing; but fighting hard about no having them will only make them come back (you are reinforcing them by giving mental energy to those thought processes).

[questor70]

It's more of a case of women always being prisoners of their nature, similar to the parable of the scorpion and the frog. When you get close enough they may actually let you behind the curtain and explain their nature to you, but all it amounts to is a warning. Even if they get wrapped up in the romance enough to promise not to sting you, they eventually will and when called to task, they'll just point back to the original warning to let themselves off the hook.

I learned that no amount of trust-building, intimacy, good communication, etc... can innoculate yourself from becoming a victim of hypergamy.

[Vaun]

(05-02-2017 11:37 AM)questor70 Wrote:  

It's more of a case of women always being prisoners of their nature, similar to the parable of the scorpion and the frog. When you get close enough they may actually let you behind the curtain and explain their nature to you, but all it amounts to is a warning. Even if they get wrapped up in the romance enough to promise not to sting you, they eventually will and when called to task, they'll just point back to the original warning to let themselves off the hook.

I learned that no amount of trust-building, intimacy, good communication, etc... can innoculate yourself from becoming a victim of hypergamy.

So you accept no blame for the decline of the relationship? Nothing you did contributed to her hypergamy? No self reflection as to what you did to cause her to stray? Talk about victim status.

[questor70]

(05-02-2017 11:59 AM)Vaun Wrote:  

So you accept no blame for the decline of the relationship?

Hardly. I'm my own worst critic. I've already analyzed my own situation to death, both to myself and family and friends, and extracted my share of culpability. The parable is sort of "amoral" at its core, just as nature is amoral. The biggest mistake on my part was in choosing to pursue a woman with known red-flags who went as far as to warn me not to overly emotionally invest. Most women do not throw up clear road-signs like that. It was hubris on my part to think I could change her. That was equivalent to the frog stepping on the scorpion's back.

Most pain like this revolves around holding unrealistic expectations. You don't suffer as much if you have more of a Carpe Diem mentality.

For instance, one of my other exes said something along the lines of "I can't imagine what it would be like if we were not friends." In other words, she was saying if we broke up romantically, we'd always be active friends. She went so far as to say she'd demand any future boyfriend accept that she and I would continue to hang out platonically (which didn't seem right). Well, the last time we broke up she finally stopped sending me the predictable "Hi, just checking in to see how you are" emails. So it finally settled into no-contact just like I knew it would.

Those open-ended statements that imply "forever", those are the things I've learned to completely disregard, no matter how sincere the woman seems at the time. To me, that's a big big step forward, to stop being so wide-eyed and gullible.

Now, there may be something in the above that still sounds off to you, but I'm just sharing how I've tried to adapt to emotionally suffer less and less each time I go through the cycle, and it's been working for me. Your mileage may vary.

[Vaun]

(05-02-2017 01:11 PM)questor70 Wrote:  

(05-02-2017 11:59 AM)Vaun Wrote:  

So you accept no blame for the decline of the relationship?

The biggest mistake on my part was in choosing to pursue a woman with known red-flags who went as far as to warn me not to overly emotionally invest.

So, we have problem number one. Doubtful its the only one. Lets put the blame aside for now and focus entirely on you.

What else did you do wrong. Be specific this time.