[MidWest]

Ok. This is a huge problem for me. The thing with me is that I can get overly sensitive when someone makes a slick comment to me. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be called names and what not and usually demand respect. But at the same time, this has made me "boring" I guess because people can't really say anything to me cause then I get mad. I'm not sure if this is the right approach or if I should just lighten up and if so how?

I attribute this to maybe being raised bitch-made? I was too emotionally attached to my mother at a young age and went to her always when my safety was threatened. My mother never really let me out to play with friends because I had to "do my chores." She was very overprotected of me.

So to give you an example of these slick comments, I was arguing with a cousin of mying about being old. (I'm 25 and he's 24). Here's how it went.

Quote:

Me: Hey, my Asian friend Huan said I looked young. She told me that I look 20.

Cousin: "Well she must be blind, because that chemo made you look like you're 45 old man"

(I'm a cancer survivor, and beat cancer 3 years ago).

Me: "Well you look like you're 70 with that beard"

Cousin: "[i]Well this beard gets the ladies, when was the last time you got a bitch that was 18-19?"[/i]

Me: "Well I have had an 18-19 year old before, quite plenty actually, and I didn't need a beard either"

Cousin: "Im not asking with the beard genius, I'm talking about with a beard. Oh that's right, cause you can't grow one. Women love to rub the beard"

Me:"Some chicks love the beard, some chicks think its old. I think you look 70, and plus Huan is on my side on this" (And I ended with a smile)

Cousin: "How the fuck do I look 70 with the beard, when chicks dig the beard? You're just butthurt cause you look 45 and the chemo fucked up your skin cells. Besides, its not like you are going to get any from her anyway"

As you notice, this argument got even uglier as it went on and on up to the point that I don't even talk to the guy anymore. He's also a guy who is a lot taller than me so he feels some sense of superiority.


My thing is that I just made a simple comment on this chick who she thought I was young. It was an innocent light comment that sparked into a crazy argument.

He says I started it with me getting butthurt from the chemo comment. And he thinks I blew it out of our of proportion. Now I ask you guys, what do you guys think? Should I lighten up or was he right and I got butthurt, or did he get butthurt?

How do you check people on slick comments like these? Any advice?

Also my game can be defined as confident beta which I still pull. I'm generally a nice guy with eveybody, but I sometimes feel like people walk all over me for my niceness.

Everytime someone makes slick comments like "you're so stupid" or "You're so dumb" or "you idiot" or "you're an idiot". My blood boils. Is this right? If not, how do I go about ending this?

How do I reverse this? Thanks in advanced.

[TigerMandingo]

I used to be like this. Putting up with snarky, passive-aggressive bullshit comments is par for the course when you're living in the states.

The best way to deal with it is to call it out, in a gentlemanly manner.

Passive-Aggressive Punk Bitch: Why don't you stop chasing women all the time, it makes you seem like such a creeeeeeeep?

You: With all due respect, when I want your advice regarding women, I'll ask for it. I also don't appreciate the name calling.

Something to that effect. Depends on what was said and the situation, of course.

[Sturmgeist]

Best way I've dealt with situations like these is by not dealing with a person who is so passive-aggressive or negative after such experiences.

[Sonsowey]

You're a cancer survivor and your family is shitting on you for the after-effects of chemo?

God damn that's low. Cut the witty comebacks and get real with him about that. What an asshole.

[R Smoov]

Punch the shit out of him.

Or check him on that.

[456]

(10-15-2014 02:14 PM)Sturmgeist Wrote:  

that video though -- the last 3 or so minutes define a solid rubric for whom to avoid and how to recognize and minimize our own impulses to seek "infectors" out for short term entertainment, or long term weasels.

[samsamsam]

Ask him to step outside. Just kidding, sort of. Not really good for the family dynamic.

I am pretty surprised by how mouthy people can be without having done much with their lives. I am not sure what your cousin has done to make him think he is such a badass.

However, in my opinion and with respect, you guys were arguing over some pretty petty shit. You mentioned that someone said you looked young, like you were fishing for a compliment. Men don't do that.

Also, respect is earned. You can't demand respect. Making people uncomfortable because they are afraid they are going to set you off, isn't very manly. It is what women and children do. You are a man, own your world. Control your frame. Also, and this seems to apply a lot to the kids I run into (20 somethings, hipsters) they don't understand the concept of respect. So you will never get it, because they never grew up thinking about it or understanding it. I know a big generalization. They all grew up thinking what they said matters most and that sort of nonsense. That is why I suggested asking him to step outside, these kids might not understand respect but they have fear for physical pain because they rarely have to back up what they say.

It isn't nearly as easy as just reading this and changing your life. It is easy for me to rattle stuff. Stuff that I still work on after all these years. Because we are human. But if this stuff is a theme in your life, maybe as you pointed out, you might want to make a few changes.

Edit1: re-read your post. He does seem like a prick, not sure how much of a prick you are in real life, if at all. Just trying to be fair maybe you are not any better than your cousin. But I'd make him taste his blood.

Edit2: Nothing wrong with being nice, you can be nice and firm. My favorite quote is "do not mistake my kindness for weakness." If anything kindness takes more emotional control than just lashing out and venting. As long as you are not being a chump about it.

Edit3: You working out? Just asking maybe you should add some muscle. Your cousin might think twice about popping off. Knocking him down or out won't help with people being scared to speak around you.

[WestIndianArchie]

The frustrating thing about friends and family ranking on you, is that they got dirt on you.

It's one thing when it's some anonymous female talking about scuffs on your J's, but somebody you came up with, shared icees with, ran from loose neighborhood dogs with...

That being said you've got to start with two things
- become less sensitive - which means confronting not-so-great truths about yourself
- staying calm - not getting riled up

Now if you go back with ol boy, i'm sure you've got dirt.

"You wasn't saying all of this when *insert some time in the past when he was failing, or when you had his back*

"Now you gotta few dollars and a couple of dumb high schoolers blowing up your iphone 3, so you wanna box with the God?"

But by and large, this is a skillset, playing the dozens that you have to develop. Humor is a learned skill like anything else. So is improvisation. And it starts with not giving a fuck, and being willing to go places the next dude won't.

This won't be easy.

WIA

[Baldwin81]

Glad to hear you beat cancer. Respect.

It's nothing about being "bitch-made" and everything about being a normal human being. It's like that saying where you "catch more flies with honey..." and, in general, it's a good way to be because (especially in the midwest) most people are going to reciprocate that vibe.

I have a similar personality to you and this is how I handle these types of things. The following takes some practice but I've found it to be effective. I learned this from a dude I met who was part owner of an NFL franchise. As you can imagine, he was an absolute pro in dealing with people in situations where you can't just thrown down and fight.

It's kind of like (or maybe a lot like) reframing and is a three-step process:

1. Repeat.
2. Repackage.
3. Send them on their way.

Example:

Cousin: "Well she must be blind, because that chemo made you look like you're 45 old man"

MidWest: (1. Repeat) " 'The chemo makes me look old... '" (2. Repackage) "Damn, you're right, that life-threatening illness that I overcame - that probably would have killed a lesser man - makes me look older." (3. Send them on their way) Shaking your head. "Man, with family like this who needs friends..." End conversation.

The foundation of what I wrote above is the "Repeat" portion. If you feed it back to him you're buying time to craft your "Repackaging" of his response. Of course, the dude I met was very good at not letting his emotions get in the way and that's like the foundation beneath the foundation. Still, by doing this you're clowning and exposing him as a complete tool while remaining completely direct. This is a good way to handle it when you're not trying to fight the dude but still want to come out on top of the interaction.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

(10-15-2014 01:12 PM)MidWest Wrote:  

Ok. This is a huge problem for me. The thing with me is that I can get overly sensitive when someone makes a slick comment to me. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be called names and what not and usually demand respect. But at the same time, this has made me "boring" I guess because people can't really say anything to me cause then I get mad. I'm not sure if this is the right approach or if I should just lighten up and if so how?

I attribute this to maybe being raised bitch-made? I was too emotionally attached to my mother at a young age and went to her always when my safety was threatened. My mother never really let me out to play with friends because I had to "do my chores." She was very overprotected of me.

So to give you an example of these slick comments, I was arguing with a cousin of mying about being old. (I'm 25 and he's 24). Here's how it went.

Quote:

Me: Hey, my Asian friend Huan said I looked young. She told me that I look 20.

Cousin: "Well she must be blind, because that chemo made you look like you're 45 old man"

(I'm a cancer survivor, and beat cancer 3 years ago).

Me: "Well you look like you're 70 with that beard"

Cousin: "[i]Well this beard gets the ladies, when was the last time you got a bitch that was 18-19?"[/i]

Me: "Well I have had an 18-19 year old before, quite plenty actually, and I didn't need a beard either"

Cousin: "Im not asking with the beard genius, I'm talking about with a beard. Oh that's right, cause you can't grow one. Women love to rub the beard"

Me:"Some chicks love the beard, some chicks think its old. I think you look 70, and plus Huan is on my side on this" (And I ended with a smile)

Cousin: "How the fuck do I look 70 with the beard, when chicks dig the beard? You're just butthurt cause you look 45 and the chemo fucked up your skin cells. Besides, its not like you are going to get any from her anyway"

As you notice, this argument got even uglier as it went on and on up to the point that I don't even talk to the guy anymore. He's also a guy who is a lot taller than me so he feels some sense of superiority.


My thing is that I just made a simple comment on this chick who she thought I was young. It was an innocent light comment that sparked into a crazy argument.

He says I started it with me getting butthurt from the chemo comment. And he thinks I blew it out of our of proportion. Now I ask you guys, what do you guys think? Should I lighten up or was he right and I got butthurt, or did he get butthurt?

How do you check people on slick comments like these? Any advice?

Also my game can be defined as confident beta which I still pull. I'm generally a nice guy with eveybody, but I sometimes feel like people walk all over me for my niceness.

Everytime someone makes slick comments like "you're so stupid" or "You're so dumb" or "you idiot" or "you're an idiot". My blood boils. Is this right? If not, how do I go about ending this?

How do I reverse this? Thanks in advanced.

You're not being sensitive and you weren't raised bitch-made. You're taking for granted how insanely stressful having a life-threatening illness is.

If I dragged you up on a building ledge at gunpoint and threatened to throw you over every day for years, you'd be a psychological mess. This is what cancer did to you. But you don't realize it because our minds have a way of letting us cope with illness.

But this stress has come out in the form of you having a hair-trigger temper. This isn't necessarily bad. But it can bring you down. I should know because I grew up with an illness and let things get to me.

I would say think about getting counseling. But regarding this:

"Cousin: "Well she must be blind, because that chemo made you look like you're 45 old man""

Here is my response to that: either FUCK YOU or grabbing a bottle from the table and breaking it over his head. He just made a fucking cancer joke. Do you know how fucking off-limits that should be? Fuck him. You were right to get mad. Maybe in other situations reign it in, but you don't joke about someone's potentially terminal illness.

People like to pick on others who suffer. It's a way species weed out the weak and comes out as bullying in human form. But you can't let them. You also can't debate these people. No debates!!! Because you're playing into their frame. After the first insult, you should either throw a punch or say "Fuck you. I don't talk to people who shame cancer survivors."

My family used to joke about my illness too. After I took to throwing punches, throwing objects, and calling someone's boss (once) they started to get scared and backed off. Now I walk in and they're like "Can we get you a drink?" You have to train these people like dogs.

Don't get upset over innocent shit people might unknowingly say, but don't be afraid to put someone in his place who was out of line. Your cousin was out of line. Show him this and tell him I said to fuck off.

[Simeon_Strangelight]

OP - regarding that comment of your male cousin - it was just insensitive and being silent afterwards might have shut him up.

What I find harder to combat are shit-tests done by some female cousins. Since I cannot really counter that in the same way as with girls I meet I have resorted recently to a different strategy:

Me after a personally insulting shit-test: "You see - this is the kind of mean and insulting comment that I have talked about - we call them shit-tests. A woman thus tries to undermine a man and his authority by insulting or shaming him." My cousin then could not look me in the eye and she changed the subject later on. Since my family knows about the Red Pill it is fun to openly call out such behavior.

With male cousins who have said something insensitive I usually stayed silent. That is better dealt man to man in private, if it affects you - we are men and not women after all. Getting in a quarrel is not necessary - especially not within the family.

[AneroidOcean]

You've got a self-confidence problem going on as well as likely some socialization issues. You should work on addressing those.

However, this at the root is a frame issue. You said something that was sort of fishing for compliments (self-confidence issue) and your cousin said something not only disrespectful, but trying to be combative/fuck with you. Instead of addressing the disrespect and changing the subject or using agree/amplify to show him how ridiculous his statement is you went RIGHT INTO his frame.

Don't do that. Also, don't let people disrespect you. Be willing to walk away, whether it's the hottest girl or the man closest to you. No reason to give your time to people being disrespectful to you.

[Carlos100]

(10-15-2014 04:16 PM)Baldwin81 Wrote:  

It's kind of like (or maybe a lot like) reframing and is a three-step process:

1. Repeat.
2. Repackage.
3. Send them on their way.

Exactly. Amused mastery and reframing. Although, as others here have mentioned, it's a pain in the butt to have to deal with this kind of crap from your own family, think of it as good practice for dealing with bitchiness and shit testing from women in the field. If you can shoot down your own family members trying to undermine you, then you should be able to handle strangers doing it to you much more easily.

[MidWest]

(10-15-2014 03:57 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

However, in my opinion and with respect, you guys were arguing over some pretty petty shit. You mentioned that someone said you looked young, like you were fishing for a compliment. Men don't do that.

Yes, I agree. Trust me I've thought about this also and for the most part subconsciously knew that what we were arguing was really some petty bullshit. The comment I made at the beginning came about us having a conversation about oldness previously in another setting, so it was basically a continuous of that. But I agree that I probably shouldn't have said that comment.

going back to the petty argument, well here's the thing. We always argue about petty arguments, the guy is just so combative for every single freaking thing like sports, everything. For example if say we're talking about who is better between MJ or Kobe, man you can't really say anything for fear of getting attacked verbally. I guess the word to describe my cousin will be "combative" for every damn conversation and will nearly insult you to get his way all the time.


Thanks all for the great advice.

[samsamsam]

(10-15-2014 05:42 PM)MidWest Wrote:  

(10-15-2014 03:57 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

However, in my opinion and with respect, you guys were arguing over some pretty petty shit. You mentioned that someone said you looked young, like you were fishing for a compliment. Men don't do that.

Yes, I agree. Trust me I've thought about this also and for the most part subconsciously knew that what we were arguing was really some petty bullshit. The comment I made at the beginning came about us having a conversation about oldness previously in another setting, so it was basically a continuous of that. But I agree that I probably shouldn't have said that comment.

going back to the petty argument, well here's the thing. We always argue about petty arguments, the guy is just so combative for every single freaking thing like sports, everything. For example if say we're talking about who is better between MJ or Kobe, man you can't really say anything for fear of getting attacked verbally. I guess the word to describe my cousin will be "combative" for every damn conversation and will nearly insult you to get his way all the time.


Thanks all for the great advice.

Well shit, if he is always like that, then he is rolling in some insecurity.

If he is really that aggressive (mistaken at times for Alpha), have compassion for him. I don't mean that in a lame beta way.

If a guy is in that much turmoil then turn the cheek. Work on your stuff.

It is also easy for you to stop arguing with him, because you can think, "well xyz is just really insecure, no need to fuck with him."

Until he wants to change or reach out to you to change his behavior, you're better off just working on yourself and letting it slide.

When he gets all combative, just ask him if he needs a hug. If he gets all huffy, you can just ask him, "do you need to be right so badly, even over nothing?" Things along those lines. But the best path may be to feel a little compassion for the guy. People that angry are hurt individuals.

[horn]

Dont be so sensitive. Frankly I've said things like his initial response to close friends of mine [not the situation here]

Second, as others said, silence is key. It's also dominant trait.

[Barron]

The argument was ridiculous from the start. Unless you're short, fat, balding, or just hideously ugly, looks won't affect your chances with women to a great degree (assuming you're not on the other extreme and don't look like Cristiano Ronaldo either). Most men are somewhere in between and you're both making the common mistake of projecting male psychology onto the feminine mind, in this case looks being the primary determining factor of attraction.

A woman's attraction is rooted in confidence, and your ability to get inside her head and stir her emotions positively. If you can do that and introduce a little competition for her to get jealous, you can be Stephen Hawking and she'll ride your vegetable ass like a pony.

[MidWest]

Thanks for the responses.

Also I don't want you guys to think that I started this thread for sympathy.

I honestly do have issues with my temper/being sensitive

Thanks overall though. Great advice.