Quote: (01-05-2014 12:17 AM)Ironbound Wrote:
Thank you guys, for all the support and advice. I did this all to myself, I let her become this evil wicked bitch.
Don't blame yourself too much. Wrong shit at the bad time.
You lost your mother, and your sense of security was shattered. This girl came along before you had time to healthily-process your mother's grief, and it's likely you latched onto her as a substitute for the security and unconditional love you'd lost, and were far too needy and vulnerable as a result, which is why she was turned off. Since a mourned object risks becoming idealised, she would never be capable of supplying the level of security you're
imagining existed with your mother alive.
Now the looming breakup means facing another reminder of loss and the transitory nature of life. Of course it'll be hard.
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Shit still hurts like hell. With the passing of my mom too, this stress is literally fucking killing me. Brain pain, weak muscle. I really don't know what to do.
You're transitioning between child and man. This loss will forge greater resilience in you, and force you into adulthood. In time, you will realise that you are able to quietly bear the burden of grief on your shoulders without it causing you to stumble. You will have a greater knowledge of your own strength, and be more confident that you can face the challenges ahead of you, knowing that you didn't fall. This translates into gravitas, low-reactivity and deep emotional strength, all of which women find hugely-attractive in men, as it gives them permission to be the weak one, knowing they strong arms to fall into.
I'm not talking shit IB. I've been through this.
I remember being 16, and watching my mother bury my grandmother, and be stoic and strong throughout the entire process -she was a tough woman - only to finally break down after everyone had left after the wake.
She reverted to a child, sobbing into my chest, repeatedly-saying 'My mummy's dead'. I was struck that I was now the adult, and that being a man instead of a boy allowed others to rely on you when their strength fails.
It reinforced my masculinity.
Years later, my mother was diagnosed with her own cancer, and started a seven year battle against it. The family reacted in different ways: her brother withdrew and she never saw him again; my sister buried her head in the sand; my stepfather refused to recognise the seriousness of the situation and said things would get better.
That left me to care for her and support her to get to her destination, watching her wither and weaken and atrophy with each step of the journey, yet somehow staying positive, both of us being unable to stop the inevitable. I barely recognised her by the end. Neither of us gave into despair, and eventually found peace in recognising the natural cycle of life.
Towards the end, she thanked me for the support, and said that she knew I was strong enough to bear that burden, and was proud of raising me to be that kind of man. She quietly went into a coma on Christmas Eve, and died in her own home on January 5th, 2010.
I shit you not. Four years ago yesterday, and I completely forgot. I had a great Christmas, because I allow myself to still be happy, despite the bad association.
I completely forgot. Do you see how a person accepts what they can't change, moves on, and can be happy again regardless of loss, without it consuming their very existence?
For you own sake, see a grief counsellor. There's no shame in seeing someone to guide you through this process, and they can offer real world support that's beyond a message board.
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I should've been cold after mom went, I mean, isn't that the one women who should always love you? Hell, even that got taken away from me. Should've learned right there and then, women come and go, no matter the form.
Now you understand the reality of loss. Life is transitory. Keep moving forward, and don't waste time on destructive, distractionary activities when you could be achieving your goals. The past is the past. Mourn her, be greatful for the love you shared, don't obsess over her, let her go. Am I talking about your Mother or your Girlfriend?
Both.
Don't shut off your emotions. Realising you have the capacity to still deeply love another person, with the knowledge that you are strong enough to bear their inevitable loss, is true strength. Don't shut down your feelings and isolate yourself out of fear of being hurt again. Just understand that your emotions have to be carefully-moderated in the presence of women if you want to retain their attraction to you.
Trust me, this will becoming easier as you mature and grow.
I'm fucking unflappable now.