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Joined: Dec 2009
Random thoughts and anecdotes from OG
11-17-2013, 05:27 AM
I think a large part of why I got so worked up for this chick, is deep down inside I wanted to "connect" with a chick and have a more "meaningful relationship". I won't lie, I'm on a dry spell right now, so I guess it's hard to maintain the "abundance mentality" when you're not getting any. If I was in a situation where I was getting laid consistently or had multiple fuck buddies like I have in the past, I doubt I would have pedestalized this chick the way that I did.
This year I've notched up more than just about any other year since I've gotten into game, but most of those chicks were ONS or girls that I kept as fuck buddies but wasn't all that into. Pretty much all my best friends are in long term relationships, so I guess I just started to get lonely being the odd man out with out a steady chick. Part of it is this time of year up here, (I wrote about it in my thread "fall and winter suck"), where people are nesting and women are getting into relationships, etc.
Another part of it is that I've just gotten kind of tired of banging chicks that I'm not that into, or just "pumping and dumping" them. I know that this is the prevalent attitude that is popular on the forum, and I know it sounds beta, but I'm kind of over the concept of "sport fucking" just to rack up a bunch of notches with chicks that I don't care about.
Now before I continue, I should also say that I don't want to sound too blue pill, like I am just hoping to fall in love, settle down, have kids, get married, drive a mini van, and live in the suburbs. But, I could care less whether I get one notch or one hundred in the next year, I am more concerned with the quality of females that I fuck with.
So when I met the chick that inspired this thread, I felt like everything was falling into place and I was meeting that chick. We really seemed to hit it off and I thought the mutual attraction was there, and we were really compatible and good for each other. I guess I got my hopes up too high, and caught feelings which is always a recipe for disaster when dealing with the modern American female.
I haven't had a real girlfriend for almost 3 years now. My last relationship ended up being a total disaster, and as cliche as it sounds I had my "heart ripped out of my chest". I swore off relationships and developed a really dark cynical and jaded attitude, much of which I will admit was totally warranted. For the last 3 years it's been nothing but one night stands, and fuck buddies that I either wasn't crazy about, or kept at a distance, because I didn't want to allow myself to "catch feelings" and allow myself to be vunerable to getting my heart ripped out like I did in my last relationship.
Sure, I am horny and want to get laid just as much as the next guy. I know that variety is the spice of life, and when I see a beautiful women with a banging body I want to have sex with her, but yet I also know that constantly chasing pussy with no real attachment other than the desire to stick my dick in a wet whole also feels kind of empty.
A lot of you guys will say I am beta, and who knows maybe I am, right now I am drunk after a night out at the bars so I'm just flowing off the top of how I feel in this moment.
Even though I fucked up with this chick and violated the rules of the game, and still am disappointed that things didn't work out, at least I got a lot of opportunity to be introspective and learn and grow from this experience. As the saying goes, "whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."
For the future my new goal is to abstain from porn and masturbation as much as possible. I always thought the no fap guys were making too big a deal out of it, but now I am starting to think that it is the true path. Porn always makes me feel numb, and creates a "mind-body disconnect" when I am with an actual chick about to have sex in real life. I have had times when I was having a hard time getting it up, and mentally I was thinking about some nasty porn bitch doing ass to mouth to get my dick hard. There is something seriously wrong with that, an I feel like my brain circits have been fried from too much porn.
Even though part of me is sick of the game, the bullshit, the stuck up bitches, the dumb ass whores who will fuck me and not even remember me a month later when I re-approach them at the bars. Yeah, I have been drunk as shit and taken girls home, but I always remember the chicks I fuck. It doesn't cease to amaze me when girls I've fucked (and fucked well) as well as friends of mine who have fucked chicks and then they didn't remember us when we saw them later, it makes me wonder how many guys they've fucked in their lives, if they can't remember a guy they went home with who stuck their penis in them.
Shit, I guess I'm going off into the realm of a tangent, but I just needed to get some more shit off my chest. I'm about to reread the Tao Te Ching, and I want to be the Lao Tzu of the game. I want to not give a fuck and remain non-attached no matter what, just keep constantly flowing like a stream on non-attachment. A beautiful girl wants to fuck me and is in love with me, cool I remain nonattached. My ideal woman I want and desire, totally rejects me or flakes out without a thought, cool I remain nonattached.
I have a lot of room to grow, and I know I will continue to evolve and go through many incarnations. Unfortunately the longer I spend in the game and the more trials and tribulations I deal with, the more I feel that this culture and society, and its' women are sick. As much as I don't want to let that hopeless romantic die, my real life experience tells me, that it's not an option. I will continue to do what I do, and maybe one day I will meet a genuine chick that is worth a true level of attachment and investment, it may be here in the U.S., but probably not.