I got a 25.
I've been fighting off psychopathic/sociopathic thoughts tendencies for a long time now. Had a rough childhood. Extremely abusive military father (imagine the first 18 years of your life being nothing but hazing and bootcamp) I know the violence that was apart of him is apart of me. I tried so hard as a kid and a teen to become someone else, but I'm afraid as the older I get the more I become like him. As a kid I could never figure out why he was so angry. He had it all. Beautiful wife, nice house, great job... the works... But he was always just pissed. Now I work 50+ hours a week, fuck beautiful women on a weekly basis and have some nice assets to my name. But when I come home from work I sound just like him.
I was never a bully to anyone in Highschool. I was never the sadistic frat boy type who could piss on pledges and ridicule the nerdy kid in class. Most people who grew up with me would tell you I was very kind and a respectable gentlemen. Yes sir, no sir. Some of the military stuff has been put into me at an early age so I often have folks older then me say "I can see you parents raised you right..." as I shake their hand, look them in the eye, am extremely polite. But they don't know about a lot of the anger I'm hiding. I am VERY good at hiding my psychopathy. But another thing I don't have in common with other psychopaths is I do feel anxiety depending on the situation.
These days I suffer from bouts of what only be described as pent up homicidal anger, I am a minor criminal (But I hold down a white collar corporate job during the day), and I do extreme things to feel a lot. When I'm not angry, I'm emotionless.
There's nothing "cool" or "Edgy" about being a psychopath. There's so many books written by "self proclaimed psychopaths" who just go on and on about how cunning and manipulative they are and "OMG NO ONE KNOWS I"M SECRETLY A PSCYHO hehehehe if they only knew." They're liars.
It's bullshit. It sucks having psychopathic thoughts. I can't feel a single solitary positive emotion about most things. It's all anti-natal - the worlds a shit hole, humans are just brutal animals. I yearn for joy, happiness and love and all I have is feeding my sex addiction, drinking, fantasizing about killing the people who pisses me off at work. 90 % men are my competitors, not my friends and women are untrustworthy sexual commodities. I gave up on relationships with the opposite sex along time ago. My relationships with women are for the most part purely transactional and my sexual encounters mostly consist of how I can achieve the best organism while acting out my porn warped fantasies.
My best theory for my psychopathy is all the abuse I endured conditioned me to lose capacity for empathy. I also think military conditioning in general is meant to make you a psychopath. The military needs killers. This is what hazing is. They brutalize you. They sexually humiliate you (Anyone who's been in the military knows the most common derogatory names you'll get called your drill sergeants are "Pussy", "Faggot" "Shrimp Dick" "Sissy" "Nancy Boy" "Limp Dick" "Be a man, not some pansy girl you queer!!" That on the long term and all the harsh conditions will rid you of all your human qualities until there's nothing left, but nothing.
I've been fighting off psychopathic/sociopathic thoughts tendencies for a long time now. Had a rough childhood. Extremely abusive military father (imagine the first 18 years of your life being nothing but hazing and bootcamp) I know the violence that was apart of him is apart of me. I tried so hard as a kid and a teen to become someone else, but I'm afraid as the older I get the more I become like him. As a kid I could never figure out why he was so angry. He had it all. Beautiful wife, nice house, great job... the works... But he was always just pissed. Now I work 50+ hours a week, fuck beautiful women on a weekly basis and have some nice assets to my name. But when I come home from work I sound just like him.
I was never a bully to anyone in Highschool. I was never the sadistic frat boy type who could piss on pledges and ridicule the nerdy kid in class. Most people who grew up with me would tell you I was very kind and a respectable gentlemen. Yes sir, no sir. Some of the military stuff has been put into me at an early age so I often have folks older then me say "I can see you parents raised you right..." as I shake their hand, look them in the eye, am extremely polite. But they don't know about a lot of the anger I'm hiding. I am VERY good at hiding my psychopathy. But another thing I don't have in common with other psychopaths is I do feel anxiety depending on the situation.
These days I suffer from bouts of what only be described as pent up homicidal anger, I am a minor criminal (But I hold down a white collar corporate job during the day), and I do extreme things to feel a lot. When I'm not angry, I'm emotionless.
There's nothing "cool" or "Edgy" about being a psychopath. There's so many books written by "self proclaimed psychopaths" who just go on and on about how cunning and manipulative they are and "OMG NO ONE KNOWS I"M SECRETLY A PSCYHO hehehehe if they only knew." They're liars.
It's bullshit. It sucks having psychopathic thoughts. I can't feel a single solitary positive emotion about most things. It's all anti-natal - the worlds a shit hole, humans are just brutal animals. I yearn for joy, happiness and love and all I have is feeding my sex addiction, drinking, fantasizing about killing the people who pisses me off at work. 90 % men are my competitors, not my friends and women are untrustworthy sexual commodities. I gave up on relationships with the opposite sex along time ago. My relationships with women are for the most part purely transactional and my sexual encounters mostly consist of how I can achieve the best organism while acting out my porn warped fantasies.
My best theory for my psychopathy is all the abuse I endured conditioned me to lose capacity for empathy. I also think military conditioning in general is meant to make you a psychopath. The military needs killers. This is what hazing is. They brutalize you. They sexually humiliate you (Anyone who's been in the military knows the most common derogatory names you'll get called your drill sergeants are "Pussy", "Faggot" "Shrimp Dick" "Sissy" "Nancy Boy" "Limp Dick" "Be a man, not some pansy girl you queer!!" That on the long term and all the harsh conditions will rid you of all your human qualities until there's nothing left, but nothing.