[Snowplow]

I kid you not, this was in the Chicago craigslist missed connection section. I thought it deserved a "best of" but it fits well here. I know it's a troll story but I laughed none the less.

Quote:

This occurred at The Tilted Kilt on Touhy, around 11pm last night.

For those unaware, The Tilted Kilt is a women's empowerment center that operates mostly as a restaurant bar/grill. As a woman, I myself got involved with the group because I was tired of extremely accurate representations in popular culture alleging that we can't drive very well. One day, when I have kids and stay at home and make dinner while my husband is off at work, I want to be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her I made a difference. That's my story.

So of course last night, at one of our meetings discussing Barbie Dolls and fun recipes, we were caught off guard by you and your three friends walking in for a drink. At the time, I was rubbing lotion on one of the bartender's thighs because they needed it.

"Hmmm that feels really good, go higher," Ashley asked me as I bit my bottom lip and studied your jaw line. "Hey what's wrong? You seem distracted..."

Ashley was on to something as she caressed my chin and gave me a soft kiss on the shoulder. "Go talk to him," she advised me. Since she is smart I took her advice, hugging her tightly before going to see you, jokingly sliding my hand down her ass because us girls can get crazy like that hehe LOL!

My initial plans were to go over, start a convo with you, get your number, text you later tonight with something stupid, have you reply with a dick pic, then pretend to get upset about it (even though women love getting them and cum hard every time one pops up on our phone, literally), and over the course of a tense 2-3 months, slowly convince you that I am the perfect bitch for you in every which way.

Trust me I was confident I could do it. Plus my squad was there to back me up.

I may have undid one or two of my shirt buttons before going over to say Hi to you, letting my sexy tits tell you that I was a proper investment so I wouldn't verbally have to. And when I finally made it over to your pub table, I was a bit frustrated how you grabbed my ass before saying Hi while telling me to grab you four beers and a some wings. When you apologized for having thought of me as the waitress, I let it go but was sure you were not interested anymore. So it was here I was working to close out the effort since I realized I had a bottle of wine at home and a new battery for my silver bullet along with OITNB on Netflix.

I hadn't seen it, but somehow, during this thought of mine, a candle had fallen over on the bar on some napkins and started a small fire, about 3 inches high.

"EVERYBODY RUN! GET OUT!!!!" The manger yelled before throwing a chair at the window. The window didn't break so instead he ran out the entrance as everybody braced themselves and prepared for danger, backing up away from the flame as I pretended to fall on one of your buddies to get you jealous.

But you were focused on other things. Already you had stood on your chair, unzipped your pants and began to pee out the most angelic stream of urine I had ever seen. Not a drip would touch the ground as its launch left the tip of your dong and headed straight to take on the fire, hitting it head on as your flexed your abs to help with the distance. I and several other women there just about climaxed when watching this unfold, that being a man taking control for once. While most of your pee hit the fire and also effectively put it out, it had also short circuited the cash register and sent an electric volt of ...electricity.... through the stream of pee pee you were still connected to. This caused you to be sent back 10 feet though the window, which did break this time, right on top of a passing Honda Civic.

Your crotch area was all black from the jolt of lightening which was shot over to you and your body was now slightly embedded into the windshield. As you gurgled and moaned and struggled to sit up on the car's hood, two of the cars Asian occupants go out and started yelling at you for being so cavalier. Understandably for a minute or two, you were convinced you and gone through a worm hole and ended up in China because of the science of the situation. So as you regained your composure, you kept mentioning needing to find a cash register to get to, so you could pee on it, and return home to your friends.

I really wanted to stay and watch the end of all of this but I had to take a deadly shit and the bathroom at the facility didn't have the proper toilet for it.

But you know who I am.

Write me back and let's see what's up.

I shall see you soon

Cheers,


Michelle