[blacknwhitespade]

(09-28-2015 03:54 PM)offthereservation Wrote:  

1. Your title about building a foundation.
Since you are a man of the Bible I refer to the Bible. You cannot build your house on sand. If there is no foundation then there is no foundation. I sense you are trying to convince yourself there is more there than exists in reality based on your going on about education etc. Education is a value in Mexico so don't use superficial measures to trick yourself that there is something there, if you actually want something more, as in more foundation to go forward. You are not too old so get over that crap.

2. Your own state.
Many many before me on this forum have said in game don't allow your hunger to ruin your game. Do not allow your hunger for a wife to ruin your thinking.

3. This family business business.
What this means to me is that you are being groomed for a new job. That job is venture capitalist. I can almost assure you as if I had a magic dictionary that an aspiring merchant girl from Mexico saying this to you (and you have not bothered to discuss who will fund this) means that by DEFAULT you are the funding source. So not only will you have the instant strain of a girlfriend or wife AND THE MONEY THAT GETS SENT TO MEXICO, you will also be a venture capitalist for whatever dream she has. Unless you are a dream-crushing motherfucker who say no that is no my fucking problem! I say this to you as a guy who built one of the most beautiful hair salons in America and has nothing to show for it except this advice to you!!

It's her parents that are interested in starting a small restaurant/store. She's finishing up a BA in Photography and has long-term dreams of starting her own freelance photography biz. She hasn't asked me for money or to be a part of these things and respects my separate area of work.

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4. Long distance
Wow dude you have the danger of falling in love with the fantasy of what ever you think she is since you don't really know her.

She's already very interested in me (again, lack of experience). I do have many feelings for her and it's hard not to let my imagination soar, but I am staying upright about this and have had those talks with her. We're doing everything we can to visit each other as often as possible. She graduates in the fall, then could come to the USA to stay with friends who live in my city and then spend more time with me. I also will have more vacation time by then to spend more time in Mexico.

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5. Class
The most under appreciated aspect of international relationships.
Yep I said it.

I want you to know that there is an element I have observed over and over again in Latina - American guy relationships. It is so subtle and so profound it may be the #1 reason for outright failure of these relationships (they don't all fail) or a nagging and growing sense of dissatisfaction on the guy part.

This is going to sound harsh but it goes something like this. MANY of these girls basically have no self esteem. Then along comes the white knight American who treats them with respect, listens to them whine and bitch, and generally tells them "it will be ok." (Does this already describe you?) This gets a reward at first. Then somewhere along the line the guy wonders what has happened. In actuality self esteem comes from rational values and rational living, as opposed to paranoia, superstition, and manipulative families and societies. So you shower this girl with esteem and it backfires one day because she has an internal message playing that says "if he respects me and i don't even respect myself what does that make me, i guess he is a bigger piece of shit than me." Now begin the bad treatment. Meanwhile you nag and whine trying to change her back and just cant figure out what happened. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR LITTLE LOVELY LATINA PRINCESS?? Could be after you have kids or before but ask around, this has happened to a lot of guys. Maybe you found the unicorn dude how the fuck should i know?

This may be the core issue that I'm concerned about. I do sense that low self-esteem may be driving this. She's not whiney/bitchy about it, just a little negative, almost as if she's shit-testing/doubting my genuine interest in her. She asked me once "I still don't understand why you like me?" She does have a sarcastic sense of humor, but it bothers me how she has these quips where she sounds as though she's below me. She appears to have a strong father figure, loving mother and a successful brother. Her family are pretty solid, and yes, middle-class by Mexico standards. She's a reasonably attractive, thin, petite girl, not telenovela star looks, but nice. Intelligent and creative, but pretty socially isolated, especially as far as romantic/dating options are concerned. I just want her to feel more like a true peer of mine, many times it is there, then she has these moments where I detect some sort of inferiority complex. I don't know.

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Also she is not middle class like you know it but you will make her middle class. Middle class there can be 10k a year. Ask the tough questions that our protestant upbringing told us not to. How much money does your dad make in order to live like that in Mexico?

I vetted her quite a bit early on to make sure she didn't have monetary/scheming motivations. After the first time I met her, she acted cold/distant and almost ended the interaction with me early on because of the aforementioned miscommunication where she thought I only wanted to be her friend and she said she "wasn't sure of me". She also stated repeatedly that she didn't want to continue the relationship if my family didn't approve of her. Weeks later, they met her and it went well, but she's still kind of skiddish about that.

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You also should consider the implications with the society that you live and work in. It is one thing to bring a girl around who blends in and can talk to your friends and friends wives, it is another to bring the one everyone thinks is the maid. Sorry to be harsh you asked bro.

That's what I need to get to the bottom of by bringing her up here more. There's only one way to find out. I've told her that she will need to come here more to get a feel for the area/people, I would want her to be happy here.

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6. Women are a commodity in most Latin cultures. Or at least their cultures still function as such. You need to ask hard questions. Why was she not taken at 21 and impregnated and made the good wife of a good family in her town? FIND OUT. They don't leave many good ones behind. Sorry to break it to you but 29 is totally passed over in that culture. Add 15 years for the cultural equivalent.

I've asked many questions getting a picture of that. It's a long story. She's basically been somewhat of a loner. Her family lived/worked on work visas in the US for some years, then she returned to Mexico to be with her family after the visas expired. She had one American guy friend who wanted to help her stay in the US/get residence, but she declined to be closer to her family at that time. They also lived in Guatemala briefly before the US when she was in high school. So, she's been very transient, constantly uprooting from friends/family, and found herself in her late 20s, back in a Bachelor's program surrounded by 18-23 year olds. She also had some health issues a few years ago that sidelined her social/school life for several months. She's a Protestant minority and doesn't want to date Catholic or agnostic guys 5-10 years younger than her.

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7. WCS
Worst case you need to ask yourself if you want a woman taking your kids to Mexico if the shit hits the fan. If you are not 100% certain who she is why don't you find out before you get hot and heavy. It does not sound like you are going to pump and dump or we would not be having this thread.

8. Best thing in your info, the family connections to the US. Scariest is this lack of experience and strange conflict you are having before this even gets going.

9. And finally you. You have other threads wanting to travel etc. So whats it going to be? Travel the world on some engineering job for a few years or bring the princess to chicago and make little ones.

The only "advice" I will give you if you go forward is never compromise your standing as a man for a (Latina) woman. She will lose all respect for you. You advance in your career etc as needed as a man. Don't give up any standing for her requests. Your other questions I leave to others.

I'm working hard to be decisive, positive, and establish a strong frame, and so far that's going well. My side of the issue is how to find more vacation time to get down there and spend more time with her, scoping her out, her family, her life down there. I've explained the difficulty of this and how she's going to need to be smart, patient, and dependable. She said she's sorry for complicating my life. She had an emotional/crying moment when I told her that I/we cannot talk yet as if we're sure we're going to marry, that we should take things slow and not over-think the future. She later apologized for the emotional moment and "putting pressure on me", told me that she loves me, but agrees that we need to be realistic. Anyways, the plan would be for her to come to Chicago in January on a Tourist Visa for a few months, see how it goes. Basically, I don't have any suspicions about her, she's very genuine as far as I can tell and her family seem pretty solid, albeit transient. There's more that I need to learn, but the more I do learn, the more it seems she's had an interesting life, often socially isolated, fragmented. Like I said, she's not your typical Mexican UMC fresa nor is she another dirt poor/uneducated cholo, single mom, etc looking to get the hell out of dodge asap. Her self-esteem issues and miscommunications may be stemming more from her romantic inexperience and her immersion in Protestant Christianity than from any Mexican cultural thing. I've seen similar weirdness in American evangelicals. These people are very idealistic, never date (ever heard of I kissed dating good-bye?), and find themselves socially way off the curve well into adulthood.

So, there it is. Maybe I have found a unicorn. A strange one. Her naiveté bothers me as does her negative quips, but she's shown promise by always coming back with some rational self-awareness. If she can prove to be reliable, and we can find a pathway to spend ample time together for me (and her) to get to know one another a lot more, I think it's likely a very good relationship could arise, and I would be very satisfied with that. I would want her to be comfortable living with me, in the USA, and I'm fine with my kids having mixed European/Mexican roots, as long as they have a solid American identity. I've thought perhaps Texas or some southwestern state may be a good place to move to eventually to help facilitate this (solid family, conservative values, cultural identity). I don't want her to just be my housemaid, but I also don't want her becoming severely tainted with the washed-out, feminist, and other bad traits of American women.