Year Drinking Wagon Challenge for 2014
08-05-2018, 02:30 PM
This wagon is a hell of a ride isn't it? At least it has been and is for me.
It's coming up to the 8.5 month point for me, and I'm truly grateful for every morning that I wake up with a clear head and the promise of a day to come. I'm grateful to Lizard of Oz for providing the tools for myself and others to make a profound change in our lives. And I'm grateful to the people who have shared their experiences in this thread - it's comforting at times to go back and reread what has been written here.
I'm finally at the stage where I've gained enough momentum to know with absolute certainty that I will make it to one year and there's nothing that can stop me - I'm not being complacent, but there has been a definite mind shift, away from facing each day as a battle of will power which needs to be conquered, towards embracing and enjoying the ride for what it is. I still have thoughts about drinking, and sometimes even strong urges. But while these urges used to be an obsession, they are now merely passing thoughts, free of compulsion or urgency, and never something that will preoccupy my brain for more than the time it takes to decide what to wear in the morning. For a long time, Lizard's advice to acknowledge these thoughts and just let them go was absolutely maddening advice for me. It all seemed like sensible advice and I tried to put it into action every time, but how the hell could I just let these thoughts go as easily as that? Does he not understand that I'm overwhelmed with these thoughts and there is too much to just push to the side? Easy for him to say perhaps. Well, the answer is that it's not easy, nor is it supposed to be easy. In fact that's the whole point. Because every time you face these thoughts and come out on top, it becomes fractionally easier the next time. Every success is like chipping away at a wall with a tiny chisel, and although it doesn't seem like you're making progress from day to day, the accumulation of these tiny successes over time is what strengthens your frame of mind and allows you to begin break free of the inevitably of acting on these thoughts. There are no shortcuts and it requires a lot of work. Even though I understood this advice nine months ago, only time allowed me to understand it. I'm still humble enough to know that I still need to be vigilent because this is all new to me and I suspect I'm only beginning to scratch the surface. But in a weird way, I actually welcome these thoughts and I enjoy the ease at which I set them aside until they return.
The thing about the wagon for someone who has spent so many years as a heavy drinker is that you are starkly confronted with all the aspects of your life that you have neglected. Of course there are the obvious things such as health and finances, and these are things which improve almost automatically. But then there are the deeper emotional issues, things that have accumulated and you have pushed to the side and not properly dealt with. And when these issues crawl their way to the surface in the clarity of sobriety, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Years of anger, resentment, guilt and frustration that you didn't even know existed, that you suppressed with alcohol for so long, are suddenly hoisted upon you, and it's overwhelming. The one tool that you relied on in a subconscious and cowardly attempt to deal with these issues is now gone, and there is nothing left in the toolbox. It's like learning how to walk again, and at this stage I have no answers as to how to confront this. Unfortunately, dealing with this is not as simple as just acknowledging it and letting it go. But I'm grateful that I finally have the clarity of mind to at least acknowledge it and begin to look for answers. I suspect that it will be even more difficult and require more hard work than the wagon, but it is something which would have never been possible without the wagon itself.
It's coming up to the 8.5 month point for me, and I'm truly grateful for every morning that I wake up with a clear head and the promise of a day to come. I'm grateful to Lizard of Oz for providing the tools for myself and others to make a profound change in our lives. And I'm grateful to the people who have shared their experiences in this thread - it's comforting at times to go back and reread what has been written here.
I'm finally at the stage where I've gained enough momentum to know with absolute certainty that I will make it to one year and there's nothing that can stop me - I'm not being complacent, but there has been a definite mind shift, away from facing each day as a battle of will power which needs to be conquered, towards embracing and enjoying the ride for what it is. I still have thoughts about drinking, and sometimes even strong urges. But while these urges used to be an obsession, they are now merely passing thoughts, free of compulsion or urgency, and never something that will preoccupy my brain for more than the time it takes to decide what to wear in the morning. For a long time, Lizard's advice to acknowledge these thoughts and just let them go was absolutely maddening advice for me. It all seemed like sensible advice and I tried to put it into action every time, but how the hell could I just let these thoughts go as easily as that? Does he not understand that I'm overwhelmed with these thoughts and there is too much to just push to the side? Easy for him to say perhaps. Well, the answer is that it's not easy, nor is it supposed to be easy. In fact that's the whole point. Because every time you face these thoughts and come out on top, it becomes fractionally easier the next time. Every success is like chipping away at a wall with a tiny chisel, and although it doesn't seem like you're making progress from day to day, the accumulation of these tiny successes over time is what strengthens your frame of mind and allows you to begin break free of the inevitably of acting on these thoughts. There are no shortcuts and it requires a lot of work. Even though I understood this advice nine months ago, only time allowed me to understand it. I'm still humble enough to know that I still need to be vigilent because this is all new to me and I suspect I'm only beginning to scratch the surface. But in a weird way, I actually welcome these thoughts and I enjoy the ease at which I set them aside until they return.
The thing about the wagon for someone who has spent so many years as a heavy drinker is that you are starkly confronted with all the aspects of your life that you have neglected. Of course there are the obvious things such as health and finances, and these are things which improve almost automatically. But then there are the deeper emotional issues, things that have accumulated and you have pushed to the side and not properly dealt with. And when these issues crawl their way to the surface in the clarity of sobriety, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Years of anger, resentment, guilt and frustration that you didn't even know existed, that you suppressed with alcohol for so long, are suddenly hoisted upon you, and it's overwhelming. The one tool that you relied on in a subconscious and cowardly attempt to deal with these issues is now gone, and there is nothing left in the toolbox. It's like learning how to walk again, and at this stage I have no answers as to how to confront this. Unfortunately, dealing with this is not as simple as just acknowledging it and letting it go. But I'm grateful that I finally have the clarity of mind to at least acknowledge it and begin to look for answers. I suspect that it will be even more difficult and require more hard work than the wagon, but it is something which would have never been possible without the wagon itself.