Quote: (05-02-2017 01:16 PM)Vaun Wrote:  

So, we have problem number one. Doubtful its the only one. Lets put the blame aside for now and focus entirely on you. What else did you do wrong. Be specific this time.

I shared what I felt was relevant in order to tie it together with Mace. It always helps to know you're not the only person who has gone through the wringer. But I think to focus too much attention on me and this one particular episode would be off-topic as this is a general thread about people finding ways to get beyond breakups. I'm long over this old one. I don't need help coping with it.

Also considering that you're responsible for one of my two warnings I'm naturally a cautious in engaging you. But if there's one thing I feel qualified to contribute to is a thread about bad breakups.

Quote: (05-02-2017 02:16 PM)questor70 Wrote:  

Quote: (05-02-2017 01:16 PM)Vaun Wrote:  

So, we have problem number one. Doubtful its the only one. Lets put the blame aside for now and focus entirely on you. What else did you do wrong. Be specific this time.

I shared what I felt was relevant in order to tie it together with Mace. It always helps to know you're not the only person who has gone through the wringer. But I think to focus too much attention on me and this one particular episode would be off-topic as this is a general thread about people finding ways to get beyond breakups. I'm long over this old one. I don't need help coping with it.

Also considering that you're responsible for one of my two warnings I'm naturally a cautious in engaging you. But if there's one thing I feel qualified to contribute to is a thread about bad breakups.

No worries, your mgtow statement about "all women being this way" was completely wrong and misguided again, so I had to call it out again and set it straight, in case some younger posters were to read it and get totally wrong, potentially damaging advice from you. Keep posting.

Quote: (05-02-2017 09:31 PM)Vaun Wrote:  

your mgtow statement about "all women being this way" was completely wrong and misguided again

Then clarify.

My mind is playing tricks on me, making me want to reach out and contact a chick I went out with earlier this year.
Toward the end of March an STR ended by her decision via text. Aside from the texts on the day wishing her well and saying it's no-one's fault, I have not contacted her since. She tried to call me about 1:30AM on the first Saturday night following our split but my phone goes on night mode so I didn't notice and never texted or called back.

Recently I have been making the reasoning that she was training for a fun run which is coming up soon and that I should wish her good luck as it was a personal goal she was working toward at the time we were going out.

I need to remember that she is nothing special and there are plenty of others out there just as good and even better. I need to remind myself that she made errors like asking me directly how much I earn (which I think is really tacky), didn't treat me that great and broke up via text which is weak. She didn't treat me bad, just not amazingly like I deserve. I believe she was also in a pretty average/poor financial situation which wouldn't be a great decision objectively for a LTR.

I believe that when we broke up it was because I chased in the week beforehand. I wanted to do something to lock her down and find out where I stood so began pushing to meet up and lock in more dates. There were other circumstances like her fighting with her housemate, moving house and an upcoming holiday with a group of friends. I could attribute it to these things but I need to take full responsibility for it, I was not working at the time and being too needy when our status remained undefined.

It's weird, I know what is going on but am still fighting with the urge to contact her. Reading a few pages has helped.
I need to continue working on myself and not contact her. Posting here for accountability.

Hate to break it to you Mig^, but she has already forgotten you and moved on.

Probably riding Chad's Thundercock as I type this.

Quote: (05-18-2017 09:26 AM)Vill@in Wrote:  

Hate to break it to you Mig^, but she has already forgotten you and moved on.

Probably riding Chad's Thundercock as I type this.

That's a given.

Still, we're only humans and our limbic system likes to feel good about itself by exploiting Fading Affect Bias, among other things.

Our long term memory is quicker to forget negative events, than positive once. Hence, the more time goes by, we tend to forget bad things that happened in the interactions with the girls, whilst cherishing and remembering the good moments and good feelings. Perhaps that's why after a long period of time either party tries to reach out to the other remembering "how nice it was to be together".

Henceforth, it seems it's so difficult to most men to completely move on due to the fact few can easily substitute a girl who is, at least in terms of raw attractiveness, just as attractive or hotter. If it was easy, most wouldn't have a hard time moving on. Certainly, hot girls rarely have any problem, having many suitors and activating monkey branching technique.

Personally, It's been nearly 6 months for me - the girl I split with immediately (a week's time perhaps at most) jumped on another cock, whereas myself, I still haven't banged any girl, not even to mention banging just as hot or hotter as her. Life.

Quote: (05-18-2017 10:11 AM)ksbms Wrote:  

Quote: (05-18-2017 09:26 AM)Vill@in Wrote:  

Hate to break it to you Mig^, but she has already forgotten you and moved on.

Probably riding Chad's Thundercock as I type this.

That's a given.

Still, we're only humans and our limbic system likes to feel good about itself by exploiting Fading Affect Bias, among other things.

Our long term memory is quicker to forget negative events, than positive once. Hence, the more time goes by, we tend to forget bad things that happened in the interactions with the girls, whilst cherishing and remembering the good moments and good feelings. Perhaps that's why after a long period of time either party tries to reach out to the other remembering "how nice it was to be together".

Henceforth, it seems it's so difficult to most men to completely move on due to the fact few can easily substitute a girl who is, at least in terms of raw attractiveness, just as attractive or hotter. If it was easy, most wouldn't have a hard time moving on. Certainly, hot girls rarely have any problem, having many suitors and activating monkey branching technique.

Personally, It's been nearly 6 months for me - the girl I split with immediately (a week's time perhaps at most) jumped on another cock, whereas myself, I still haven't banged any girl, not even to mention banging just as hot or hotter as her. Life.

I agree that the fading affect bias is very real, but it's an unconscious effect. When you consciously choose to remember the negatives of your ex, and specifically remember how they made you feel (IE, why you split, because it takes two), you will move on. Girl or not.

But come on man, 6 months without getting laid? You're on Rooshv, no one here should be going any longer than a month without sex, extreme conditions aside.

That's not life, that's just you being lazy. Take action related to women, and I promise you, that bitch will be in the rear view mirror before you know it. You've got it in you, I'm certain. You wouldn't be here otherwise!

Well, something strange happened. Since my last post, at around 60days of NC she messaged me on Friday night.
Just a 'Hi how are you going? I hope you're going well ..." sort of message with a vague explanation of how she was talking with some artist that made similar work to some stuff I showed her at an exhibition I took her to on one of our early dates. (a BS reason to check in basically)

I haven't replied.

I did a full re-read of this thread and there's some great methods.
I'm less certain on what NC is meant to achieve though? But I think it's a great strategy if you were dumped.

Nine months of no contact, and I still think about her a lot. By every measure my life has gotten better, lots of women in my life now. Finances have improved remarkably. Lost weight, added muscle, work is what I have always wanted it to be. Social life is fine, but can be better. By every measure my life has improved remarkably since I parted ways with her last August, but I still think about this one. I am not going to contact her, but I have seen two of her best friends on the street near my office, and they both acted like they were really happy to see me and told me all about what they were up to. Weird. She told me they hated me, haha. A terrorist attack happened literally on her street, in a place I know she is everyday. I wanted to reach out and just check in. I didn't, but I was real close. I checked in with a few friends that helped me decide not to. Anyhow, I just think its strange how I still think about this one.

No contact is required when you can't control your emotions and keep seeing only the good things. There's people that basically say " she cheated on me several times, she says she doesn't love me but I want to try again"
For the ones that control their emotions I see no contact as a " get out of my life and fast "

Quote: (05-21-2017 07:40 AM)Vaun Wrote:  

Nine months of no contact, and I still think about her a lot. By every measure my life has gotten better, lots of women in my life now. Finances have improved remarkably. Lost weight, added muscle, work is what I have always wanted it to be. Social life is fine, but can be better. By every measure my life has improved remarkably since I parted ways with her last August, but I still think about this one. I am not going to contact her, but I have seen two of her best friends on the street near my office, and they both acted like they were really happy to see me and told me all about what they were up to. Weird. She told me they hated me, haha. A terrorist attack happened literally on her street, in a place I know she is everyday. I wanted to reach out and just check in. I didn't, but I was real close. I checked in with a few friends that helped me decide not to. Anyhow, I just think its strange how I still think about this one.

I reckon, partially, fading affect bias is at work here. No surprises. But it works both ways. Quite likely, she thinks (if she does) about all the good stuff that you guys shared together. Sometimes limbic system takes over and the synaptical connections responsible for wiring all the memories and experiences you've shared together, are still there and haven't de-wired from their "emotional entanglement". With time, it will fade more and more (unless one would keep strengthening the synaptical connections but frequent thinking and reminiscing and following up on media the person in question). We're only humans, after all.

I failed the no contact test last weekend.

The stage 5 clinger generated enough curiosity that I decided to meet up with her at our usual spot and find out how she spent the last 5 months. Turns out all she did was get hooked up via social circle with an impotent 50-something she only sees every other week. This confirmed my suspicion that she was dropping bait in email with the intention of soliciting me for discrete booty-call duty. Well, as ill-advised as it may be, there was fooling around in the car after our talk, enough to generate plenty of post-coital drama and finger-pointing. The end result of all that drama was I finally backed her into a corner enough to admit that she wants me for booty-call duty. It's tempting and yet she is going to a therapist and is now on meds. (Cue Admiral Ackbar if you know what I mean.) Where things left off, I told her when my daughter is away I can do things without anyone being the wiser, but she still has two (now adult) kids living under her roof who will give her crap once they find out she's serving herself up to be debased by her ex. I don't think she wants to be lectured by her own kids. I predict she'll resort to constructing cover-stories. I also predict she is not going to want to dump the impotent loser. This will force me to decide how much willpower I really have. Hopefully it won't get to that point...

If she were just, well, more NORMAL then I'd have been glad to sign a summer booty-call pact with her. It's just that no-strings-attached rarely if ever works out that way.

Pushed for the bang on fifth or sixth date. Girl freaked out and left.

I texted later: "So we're done?"

She writes back a day later: "Yes this isn't for me. I don't think we're a good fit".

I liked this girl, so my instinct was to reinitiate and find out why, maybe even recalibrate the next day. But she didn't respond.

Still want to know, but I guess the writing is on the wall. No contact, right?

Don't waste your time. If you want a chance at another bang, let her see you out with better looking women like nothing happened and you don't give a shit.

Its a two for one. Working on a new bang may lead to a repeat bang.

Quote: (07-25-2017 10:48 PM)churros Wrote:  

Pushed for the bang on fifth or sixth date. Girl freaked out and left.

I texted later: "So we're done?"

She writes back a day later: "Yes this isn't for me. I don't think we're a good fit".

I liked this girl, so my instinct was to reinitiate and find out why, maybe even recalibrate the next day. But she didn't respond.

Still want to know, but I guess the writing is on the wall. No contact, right?

Absolutely no contact. You're already in danger of catching oneitis.

Didn't get a 5th or 6th date bang? and now she's not responding. You've already displayed neediness.

You'll find better fish out there.

Quote: (07-25-2017 10:48 PM)churros Wrote:  

Still want to know, but I guess the writing is on the wall. No contact, right?

Absolutely. 6 dates and no bang? You're way over the limit. If she really wanted to fuck, she would have by the 3rd date. Anything more than that and you're hamstering reasons to soothe your ego.

It may sting, but forget this one forever. If she ever realizes she fucked up, let her come crawling back to you with no panties on. Nothing less than that.

A million more girls await you. Go get them.

Quote: (07-25-2017 10:48 PM)churros Wrote:  

fifth or sixth date.

...

"Yes this isn't for me. I don't think we're a good fit".

Plain and simple right there. This girl was a waste of time, and you definitely shouldn't be fretting over a girl you've only seen 5 times in your life and never had sex with.

Quote: (07-25-2017 10:48 PM)churros Wrote:  

Pushed for the bang on fifth or sixth date. Girl freaked out and left.

I texted later: "So we're done?"

She writes back a day later: "Yes this isn't for me. I don't think we're a good fit".

I liked this girl, so my instinct was to reinitiate and find out why, maybe even recalibrate the next day. But she didn't respond.

Still want to know, but I guess the writing is on the wall. No contact, right?

You should've pushed for the bang on the first date.

Maybe I'm hamsterizing here, but indulge me.

I want to figure out what happened here.

Issue is: she was too nervous to bang, so I tried to build comfort with a boyfriend vibe.

That worked for a while, because each time, I was getting further. But then something flipped, and it came off needy.

Why five dates? When girls are quality, I'll put more work in. Banging sixes does nothing for me anymore.

So now I'm wondering if I should restart. Is this dumb?

Can anyone figure out what went down here?

Quote: (07-28-2017 11:53 AM)churros Wrote:  

Maybe I'm hamsterizing here, but indulge me.

I want to figure out what happened here.

Issue is: she was too nervous to bang, so I tried to build comfort with a boyfriend vibe.

That worked for a while, because each time, I was getting further. But then something flipped, and it came off needy.

Why five dates? When girls are quality, I'll put more work in. Banging sixes does nothing for me anymore.

So now I'm wondering if I should restart. Is this dumb?

Can anyone figure out what went down here?

You shouldn't bother to restart here, but here's my analysis. Two things to keep in mind here:

1) If a girl really likes you, she's going to want to have sex with you...and especially after 5 dates... if she's going to have sex with you, you would have already had sex. This woman either has rules, or had no intention of having sex with you.
2) Every woman is the same. The second you start treating one as different from the other, you compromise yourself internally and any leadership you had over the relationship vanishes.

Let's analyze this with the details here.

Right away it seems very clear that this woman is good looking and you her know that her good looks affected you. You switched over from pushing for the bang (which it seems you're used to, considering you've mentioned that banging sixes does nothing for you), and you planted the seeds of oneitis. Because you rationalized that she was better looking that your average pull, you went astray in how you treated her.

You started treating her like a girlfriend, before she had earned it. Considering this woman is good looking, she has had this happen before, and it's the least interesting, least attractive thing. She's had dozens of men try this with her before, and it's not new, it doesn't invoke her emotions, it doesn't excite her. She might want a boyfriend, but she wants to have to chase something that's emotionally compelling...which you were not by playing into her frame, and giving boyfriend behaviors before she had earned them. She then relegated you into the "okay, it's better than staying home" bin until she couldn't taken it anymore, and then she nexted your ass.

Women have to earn boyfriend behaviors. They earn those by doing two things, and doing them for an extended period of time.
1) Putting out willingly
2) Demonstrating loyalty, deference, commitment, and companionship.

You gave her these things before she gave you anything. You probably went right ahead and pleased her (going down on her, getting her clothes off) without any effort on her part to reciprocate.

Giving a woman these boyfriend behaviors before she's earned them comes across as extremely needy. No healthy person likes being around needy people. This woman is not worth a restart. You let her get the better of you, even though you're the quality one here. You're seeking advice to get better, while i'm sure she's just seeking her next Chad Thundercock, which you were not in this situation.

Man up my friend, leave this bitch in the rear-view mirror and don't let a good looking girl get the best of you again.

You are right man. There were holes in my game.

Funny to think that even if I played this right, there was no pussy on the horizon. I was just keeping it on life support by manoeuvring.

That's confirmation of the three-date rule right there. In the future, no exceptions.

I slipped the fuck up by getting invested. Sad that you have to be so cutthroat in this game.

Anyway, appreciate the analysis. Repped.

Fell for the oneitus trap, again. Why don't I ever learn? This is why I always cheat, it's like taking out an insurance policy on your relationship. But even so it doesn't make me feel that much better.

Why the hell we (no matter how game aware) keep allowing ourselves to believe? I'm sick of feeling like I do now; having to go back out there with zero prospects and with that "just out of a relationship" deer in the headlights look on my face.

No matter how many times I say "never again" it just doesn't sink in.

^its because all men are romantics and deep down all of us just want to be with that one girl who makes us happy

When women say they are the more romantic sex, I always laugh. Little do they know...

I guess it's a bit more complex than that. We see false positives whether there is a real opportunity or not - but this false positive attitude which, I think, can be somewhat coupled with overconfidence (and overconfidence is king), allows to shoot for more girls than not, in effect allowing for far more success in the long term. A bit more why we can't be just friends (and shouldn't want to!) with females in the Scientific American article here.