What do you call a West Virginia girl that's faster than her six older brothers?

A virgin.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night.

The little boy says to the pedophile "man these woods are really spooky."

Pedophile says back "You're telling me. I gotta walk back alone."

What is black and white and can't turn from side to side in a hallway?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

This one is kind of a cross between a joke and a boast. I tell it to women who are English majors.

I say, "You know how you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Well, I can end a sentence with 6 prepositions. Wanna hear?" Curious creatures always say yes. Then I say:

"Ok, so there is this kid whose bedroom is on the second floor, and he asks his dad to read him a bedtime story, but his dad brings up a book that the kid doesn't like anymore, and so the kid says,

'Dad! Why did you bring that book I don't want to be read to from out of up for?'"

What does a Chinaman call his pet lion?

Ryan

An englishman colonizing the West employees a wise Indian chief to help him track buffalo.

After the two spend days tirelessly trekking through plains, the Indian chief suddenly stops and gently puts his ear to the cold ground. Then, he slowly looks at the englishman and says, in broken english, "hereee noww bufaaloo cum"

The englishman, amazed, says: "thats amazing! Can you feel the ground tremble?!"

The indian chief, confused, replies "no.. Ear sticky..."

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

Father's day.

Little dark once lost a fight

Quote:Quote:

What does a Chinaman call his pet lion?

Ryan

Relationships are like fat chicks.

Most of them don't work out.

Quote: (02-27-2016 08:49 AM)Requiem Wrote:  

Hitler meets Eichmann in heaven.

Yeah, you're right, this joke will be pretty hard to top.

Life is like a box of chocolates...it doesn't last as long for fat people.

I used to have an Indian driver. As I entered his car the first time, he started playing really loud Bollywood music. The next time I entered his car, I pulled out a pair of earplugs.

"You came prepared this time!", he said to me.

"I sure did!", I replied as I put the earplugs in my nostrils.

Quote: (02-28-2016 05:49 AM)Matsufubu Wrote:  

Life is like a box of chocolates...it doesn't last as long for fat people.

When you realise that Jenny probably gave Forrest AIDS, you rework that joke: "Jenny's cunt is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get."

Quote: (02-27-2016 08:09 PM)realologist Wrote:  

Little dark once lost a fight

Too soon.

This joke works best when you are outside and it is cold, but I still laugh at it even now because it is an existential joke:

A baby polar bear said to his mom, "Are you sure I'm a polar bear?" His mom said yes.

Next he went to his dad and said, "Are you sure I'm a polar bear?' His dad said yes.

Then, when his parents were together he said, "Are you sure I'm a polar bear?'

And his dad finally said, "Why do you keep asking us if you are a polar bear?"

And the baby polar bear said, "Because I'm fucking freezing."

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

What do you call a black man flying a plane?


A pilot, you racist

I pranked my best friend by signing him up for a gay dating site. All was well until the site notified me "email address already in use..."

Why couldn't the dyslexic agnostic sleep?

He was up all night pondering the existence of dog.

Quote: (02-27-2016 02:05 AM)Sooth Wrote:  

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

See punchline above.

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?

This music SUCKS!

Rogan's recent impression of Steven Wright (requires a low droll voice) :

Quote:Quote:

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory, which was a real pain. You couldn't park near the place...

---------------

Pierre, a WW1 French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and splashes it all over her crotch. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"