A little background: my ex and I were in a LTR for 2 years, She went through my phone one night while I was asleep and read texts of me cheating with multiple women, and we had a big blow out like last Christmas. We stayed together for like 6 months after that and "worked through it" because she said she loved me no matter what and wanted to stay with me anyway. But she would constantly shit test me on an almost daily basis, and play the victim card anytime she wanted to remind me of the cheating, until it became too much to bear and I ended the relationship about 4 months ago. She wanted to get back together in november or december, I hit it a couple more times but I played aloof and kept spinning plates while trying to get her to reform her behavior before re-committing. Nothing really changed though, just more of her insecurity and it seemed like her trying to make me atone for things and punish me so I moved on. I suspect she's a bit borderline or bipolar as well, so I don't miss the constant shit testing, but damn I do miss the mind-blowing sex on demand.
SO she sends me this article today highlighting this part.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles...infidelity
"Philandering is a predominantly male activity. Philanderers take up infidelity as a hobby. Philanderers are likely to have a rigid and concrete concept of gender; they worship masculinity, and while they may be greatly attracted to women, they are mostly interested in having the woman affirm their masculinity. They don't really like women, and they certainly don't want an equal, intimate relationship with a member of the gender they insist is inferior, but far too powerful. They see women as dangerous, since women have the ability to assess a man's worth, to measure him and find him wanting, to determine whether he is man enough.
These men may or may not like sex, but they use it compulsively to affirm their masculinity and overcome both their homophobia and their fear of women. They can be cruel, abusive, and even violent to women who try to get control of them and stop the philandering they consider crucial to their masculinity. Their life is centered around displays of masculinity, however they define it, trying to impress women with their physical strength, competitive victories, seductive skills, mastery of all situations, power, wealth, and, if necessary, violence. Some of them are quite charming and have no trouble finding women eager to be abused by them.
Philanderers may be the sons of philanderers, or they may have learned their ideas about marriage and gender from their ethnic group or inadvertently from their religion. Somewhere they have gotten the idea that their masculinity is their most valuable attribute and it requires them to protect themselves from coming under female control. These guys may consider themselves quite principled and honorable, and they may follow the rules to the letter in their dealings with other men. But in their world women have no rights.
To men they may seem normal, but women experience them as narcissistic or even sociopathic. They think they are normal, that they are doing what every other real man would do if he weren't such a wimp. The notions of marital fidelity, of gender equality, of honesty and intimacy between husbands and wives seem quite foreign from what they learned growing up. The gender equality of monogamy may not feel compatible to men steeped in patriarchal beliefs in men being gods and women being ribs. Monogamous sexuality is difficult for men who worship Madonnas for their sexlessness and berate Eves for their seductiveness.
Philanderers' sexuality is fueled by anger and fear, and while they may be considered "sex addicts" they are really "gender compulsives" desperately doing whatever they think will make them look and feel most masculine. They put notches on their belts in hopes it will make their penises grow bigger. If they can get a woman to die for them, like opera composer Giacomo Puccini did in real life and in most of his operas, they feel like a real man."
I think it's all pretty hilarious. What would be a good response to this shit test? I'm not expecting to get back together with her or anything, I know she's still pretty bitter and heart broken, and she's just mad we aren't living together with a kid right now. She's on the other side of the wall now, and she thought this was her last chance to lock down a good man before her youth dried up. But she would never want to go along with my plan and let me lead the relationship and it was a constant power struggle. I suppose I get some satisfaction knowing i'm the best she ever had and that she'll never forget me, and that she probably ends up a lonely cat lady who wasted her youth riding the carousel and only decided to settle down in adulthood when it was too late to change her irresponsible behavior. What's a good comeback to the philandering accusations, which could be played against any of us here? just trying to learn how to counter such an argument and learn for the future.
