[Handsome Creepy Eel]

I've met (on OKCupid) this girl who lives in a nearby city and have been talking to her for a few weeks. Great chemistry, lots of sexual innuendos on both sides, etc. I visited and she turned out to be very good looking (8+), and all was good: warm, flirty, receptive, etc, except for one: no closing! Over the course of date, I'd kino her heavily and she seemed to like it, but shied away from any holding hands, kiss, kept her distance, etc.

When I saw that it just wasn't going anywhere, I told her (a bad move, but hey) that I liked her and that I was expecting that we'd be more than friends. She greeted me with a friendzone ™, saying that she didn't write that she wanted a relationship anywhere. Fucked up, I know. However, she continued talking more than friendly things like asking whether I was disappointed in her looks (I used that for some more kino and light teasing, but it was too late by that point).

So, on the drive back, I decided that that was it and, since she didn't want me, I'd simply drop her. But an hour later, she sends me text messages about how she hopes that I had a good time with her, blah blah sweet flirty stuff.
I have responded to those very briefly so to not seem like I'm bitterly ignoring her, but if she sends me one more message, I plan to just say that I can't pretend that I don't like her and that if she doesn't want me, then it's better that we go separate ways. I won't contact her at all unless she does, and even then it's just to tell her this.

Other than exploring my options with other girls (which I'm doing all the time, thanks very much), do you think there would be any benefit in doing something else with her, like keeping in touch on my own initiative, or sending her that "ultimatum" even before she contacts me any further? I figured no, as it would reek of desperation or, even worse, accepting talking to her as just a friend.

[Giovonny]

Don't give her an ultimatum. Be her friend. Get her drunk. Keep the Kino going. Make her laugh. Keep flirting and touching. Go for it. If she doesn't want to make out with you after all that. Move on.

[WesternCancer]

This happened to me a few weeks back, don't let it phase you and talk to her the same as if she hadn't just friendzoned you. Just say I understand and keep going forward. Just like if she had given you some LMR and said i cant do this or something. She'll come back to you because she'll wonder why you didn't go all beta sap and try to get her back.

Also keep contact brief and shortif you haven't already.

[Timoteo]

She might be one of those "take it slow" types, and friendzoned you to keep you in the picture until she's sufficiently sized you up. Your directness may have caught her off-guard. I wouldn't stop communicating, but I would communicate slightly differently. Change your frequency (not tone), and see if she keeps pursuing. Make her press for another meeting, and then behave no differently than you did with her the first time. Essentially ignore what she said about not wanting a relationship (though you're probably not looking for a relationship anyway...you want to smash), and make HER put an end to things. I think she's lying about how she feels, but just wasn't ready to go physical right away.

[DLuzhin]

A lot of non-slutty girls don't do anything on their first dates from OKC; it's just a screen, or audition to make sure you're not a weirdo. Things move much quickly on the second date.

In this case, though, I'd say you should just chalk it up as a learning experience.

[j r]

There's almost never a situation where it's a good idea to tell a girl how you feel about her. And there's really no situation where you should be telling her how you feel before she has told you. Her payoff comes the moment she knows how you feel. Play it like a poker hands and keep your cards close to your chest.

[babelfish669]

Never fucking talk about your relationship with her to her again. And in the future never talk about how your going to have sex with a chick or "expecting to be more than friends." This is all body language stuff, you don't get what you want by explaining yourself.

Just continue on with her like the whole discussion never happened. And follow Giovonny's advice for the rest of it.

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

The sad fact is, of course I wanted to bang but I actually did want a relationship with her. If she had just told me "I like you too, but I want to take this slow" I would have been fine with it. And then girls whine about how everyone just wants them for sex...
(Also, she refused to drink anything with me, although we've talked about getting drunk together several times with eager anticipation)

I am getting the concentrated message from all of you to not give her any ultimatums, keep the same tone and just be less available until a chance arrives for a second meeting. Thanks everyone for your advice.

Quote:

Also keep contact brief and shortif you haven't already.

However, she has not messaged me since (it's been 2 days), although I saw her online a few times. Do you think it would be worth it to shoot her a message first? I was thinking no, that it would send a bad message (pun intended) of chasing her, and she doesn't need reassurance that I'm not pissed off because I've answered her texts the first day (the last text was still hers). She also has a book that I gave to her, which is just begging to contact me with "an opinion about it" sooner or later.

With aims to continue as normal when contact is restored, is what I'm doing now (waiting for her to contact me) ok? I have the impression that if she doesn't contact me at all (if she's not even concerned for me as a friend), then she wasn't worth pursuing anyway, and the hamster is spinning in the meantime...

[Constantine]

Yeah, If it hasn't been that long I'd probably try going cold on her for a week or so, or until she contacts you first. You don't want to give off a needy vibe by contacting her first after how things played out, especially sense things seem to be cool between you two right now. If she doesn't contact you for around 2+ weeks you could always send out a start up text and give it one last try. I'd wait a bit now for her to contact you first though.

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

I feel like I'm going mad here! It was ok waiting for the first 3 days, but now the anticipation is killing me. When will she contact me? Will she at all? Should I do something? Is it time for me to poke her and see how it goes? I realize that I'm obsessing over something that's probably a failure anyway, but she sabotaged my intentions of giving up 100% when she sent me those texts just after the date...

[Oblivion77]

(11-03-2011 09:23 AM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  

I feel like I'm going mad here! It was ok waiting for the first 3 days, but now the anticipation is killing me. When will she contact me? Will she at all? Should I do something? Is it time for me to poke her and see how it goes? I realize that I'm obsessing over something that's probably a failure anyway, but she sabotaged my intentions of giving up 100% when she sent me those texts just after the date...

I would probably move on - as I have seen situations like this before. Quite toxic. Still, if you want to learn for yourself and you prefer to keep pushing, do it. Try again, it will make for a better learning experience. I wouldnt expect too much out of it though. But you already know that.

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

Aftermath: on day 5, I called her and spoke to her briefly. She gave off the impression of being happy to hear from me, and I told her that I was expecting a message from her. She didn't send one, that day or the next or the one after that. She didn't answer the text I've sent her after that and I've just moved on.

Looking back, I feel that just sending her a "we can't be friends" ultimatum the same evening would have been better for me, because I've gotten too attached to the outcome from all the waiting and false hopes, and the chance of affecting her was tiny but at least existed when the impression was still fresh. Anyways, we learn from experience...

[Giovonny]

I think you should have just ignored her and let her contact you. It would have been on day 8 or 9. When you don't contact them they get curious. When you keep calling them, they know you are chasing them and it usually turns them off.

What did you learn from this?

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

I'm not sure, Giovonny. I think it was a lost case since the main mysterious problem occurred on the date itself, and the rest was just window dressing, with minimal chances of recovery, but I've hurt myself by changing directions. Keep in mind that we live in different cities, so it's not like she is going to visit out of curiosity. Because of the distance, it's too big a step.
I wouldn't say that ignoring her forever would have produced results. That's wishful thinking. And I don't say that as some kind of Game denier, I've used ignoring before and it worked wonderfully. But it was after a breakup, where there was a lot of previous feeling to be resolved, unlike the indifference I sensed here.

However, what I've learned from this is that, once you choose a course, you should stick to it and its consequences. Instead of just keeping up ignoring (and moving on), I floundered from one side to another, and that was very bad - not so much bad for the seduction (which was already lost) as bad for my own peace of mind. I should have gone with "I'm ignoring her because it's over and I moved on", not "I'm ignoring her so that she contacts me and if she doesn't I will consider restart texts and shit".

Anyways, thanks everyone for your sound advice.

[Giovonny]

Ya, its tough to say. Once you have been through this type of situation a couple dozen times. Your Game instincts will reach another level.

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

I've almost forgotten the most important thing I've learned: never talk to a girl about your feelings with her. Escalate and get rejected, but never talk. Even though things already were downhill at that point, I'm sure that telling her I wanted to be "more than friends" was like a nail in the coffin.

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

UPDATE: after a few weeks, the girl messages me and apologizes for vanishing for such a long time. In her words,

Quote:

"This was complicated and probably very rude from me, but when I don't know what to do, I usually pick the worst option. It looked like an important person whom I thought I would never have back had almost returned into my life, and somehow I didn't feel it was ok to simultaneously be talking to you. I know it was rude of me, but I have this tendency to freeze and not know what to do...

I didn't mean to play any hot-cold games with you with those messages before, I just wanted to be kind, (you narcis ) check if you had gotten home safely and be a good host (you know I was so-so). Anyways, I don't know what is the point of this story, but here- I told you.

(fluff talk like before, warm and detailed but no questions)

Anyways, if all of this was cruel from me, I am sorry.

Frankly, while it's nice to hear something from her, this is really stupid, because:
a) if I'm just her friend for whom she has no romantic feelings, why would she stop talking to me because it looked like an ex would come back to her life? I don't drop all my friends when someone wants back into my life. I would take this as a subtle "not just friends" vibe but I've had enough anyway.
and
b) if we had begun dating there and then and the same thing happened, would she have done the same silence to me, or maybe even told me "hey I was just kidding the other night"? Too horrible to contemplate.

Not responding to her. No way. Fuck that shit.

[endobendo]

(11-19-2011 04:14 PM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  

UPDATE: after a few weeks, the girl messages me and apologizes for vanishing for such a long time. In her words,

Quote:

"This was complicated and probably very rude from me, but when I don't know what to do, I usually pick the worst option. It looked like an important person whom I thought I would never have back had almost returned into my life, and somehow I didn't feel it was ok to simultaneously be talking to you. I know it was rude of me, but I have this tendency to freeze and not know what to do...

I didn't mean to play any hot-cold games with you with those messages before, I just wanted to be kind, (you narcis ) check if you had gotten home safely and be a good host (you know I was so-so). Anyways, I don't know what is the point of this story, but here- I told you.

(fluff talk like before, warm and detailed but no questions)

Anyways, if all of this was cruel from me, I am sorry.

Frankly, while it's nice to hear something from her, this is really stupid, because:
a) if I'm just her friend for whom she has no romantic feelings, why would she stop talking to me because it looked like an ex would come back to her life? I don't drop all my friends when someone wants back into my life. I would take this as a subtle "not just friends" vibe but I've had enough anyway.
and
b) if we had begun dating there and then and the same thing happened, would she have done the same silence to me, or maybe even told me "hey I was just kidding the other night"? Too horrible to contemplate.

Not responding to her. No way. Fuck that shit.

typical self-absorbed bitch. good learning experience though