The fundamental problem that I have no idea how to solve
05-11-2019, 12:33 AM
Update: Since receiving the advice in this thread of ending dates more quickly, escalating in the middle, and not going for the last second kiss (to leave ambiguity), I've tried it a few times. All led nowhere.
Here's what I've realized about the escalation thing: Most of the time I have a mental block to actually doing it, and end up having to force myself. It just doesn't feel right on a gut level. And the reason is I'm not actually all that attracted to these girls I'm going on dates with. I mean they're all above average looking (in a society where most people are decidedly fat), but their whole presentation just doesn't do much for me. Almost invariably, every girl I go on a date with dresses with the intention of conveying no sexual vibe whatsoever; we're talking every square inch of skin below the neck covered, even in warm weather. That would be fine if they were legitimately traditional girls, but... stalking their social media says otherwise. It's hot dresses to go out with the gurlz, and layers upon layers of form-concealing clothing to go out with me. Mildly insulting in a way. If the date is scheduled on a work day, they typically don't change out of their work clothes, and show up with that greasy, slightly disheveled after-work look... sometimes, in these cases, they even smell a bit. It's as though someone's out there warning every single girl "whatever you do, DO NOT give the impression that you care at all." I have no idea where they're getting the idea that this is the way to go. Or maybe they really do care that little.
Their conversational behavior is congruent with all this. Most of these girls have an extremely narrow range of topics they can talk about, and no energy or enthusiasm for any of it. No matter where I try and steer the conversation, it always gets funneled back to the girl droning on about her job. Any playful or vaguely sexual comment I try to work in is awkwardly brushed off. As you might imagine, this is not a great vibe for building attraction.
As I said, despite all this, I often push myself to escalate anyway, and to my surprise, it's really easy to get at least a light makeout, even when I'm not getting the best vibes. I don't know if this is because I'm underestimating how much these girls like me, or because they're so passive they just go along with anything regardless of whether they want it. The latter sounds kind of ridiculous but I think it might actually be plausible. The typical reaction I get when I start escalating a girl (rubbing her leg, holding her hand, etc.) is... none whatsoever. They just act like they don't notice. Almost no exceptions. Either way, it usually doesn't quite feel right to me, which probably means it doesn't quite feel right to them either. If they were to tell me they "didn't feel the connection" or something like that, I'd have to agree. I don't know how sexual/romantic passion can possibly be built with a person who's totally lackadaisical about the whole thing from the start, but nonetheless, these rejections aren't out of the blue. They make sense. I'm usually not feeling it either. The last couple of girls I met up with, I texted 3 days afterward, not because I was adhering to some 3 day rule, but because I just didn't care very much, and it finally occurred to me 3 days following the date "oh crap, I should text so-and-so." Neither one replied.
A while ago, not too long after posting the thread, I met a girl who was an exception. Our first date was basically an all day affair, and I legitimately enjoyed her company. I invited her back to my place for a second date, which she agreed to in theory, but then flaked out last minute and made up some reason why we should meet up in the middle again. So I did. And since then, her texts are clearly trying to encourage me and keep me around as an option, but every day I suggest doing something, she's "busy" but 'definitely wants to meet up again soon.' I've seen this pattern play out mannnyyyyy times recently. So far it has yet to lead anywhere good.
At this point I don't know what more I could possibly try other than a new location. I liked the advice here about keeping first dates short, because the longer ones waste wayyyyy too much time on something I usually don't enjoy, but I'm finding shorter dates to be totally ineffective. I agree with the advice about escalating harder, but there's a larger problem in the fact that I rarely have any visceral desire to (and it's not low libido). Sometimes I wonder if running lone-wolf game in a decidedly non-urban area, and expecting to land quality more than once in a blue moon, is just a fool's errand.