[bigolteddies]

So I don’t post here too often, but I read through threads a lot and just wanted to vent.

My younger brother (21) has suffered with depression his whole life, has been to rehab for xanax twice and is prescribed a bunch of anti-depressants. Since August I’ve been living with him as well as one other roommate (my friend).

He was supposed to take classes online and try to get a job but never got around to it. I had tried to help him so many times, giving him mindset books, sitting him down and trying to get him to start setting goals, getting him to flush some of his prescription meds down the toilet.

He’d never had any friends, never had a girlfriend, and my parents were never there for him.

I come home earlier today with my girlfriend and realize his door had been locked all day. Knowing all the medications he takes I banged on it and yelled. I heard him faintly say “I’m okay”. This was a sign from God to know he’s in a better place.

I kicked his door down and he was facedown on his bed, his legs and neck were completely purple. I touched him and he was ice cold, I turned him over to administer cpr and there was blood all over his face. I can’t get the feeling of his cold body or that image out of my head...

We think it was an accidental overdose. No note and had talked to my Dad about future plans earlier that day, and even when to an interview the day before.

Just last year I had to deal with a false accusation from an ex was arrested and had to pay crazy lawyer and court fees before charges were dropped and now this.

I guess I’m kind of in shock and I’ll never get that image out of my head. All I can do is learn and grow from this experience and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy...

[Luvianka]

Sorry for your loss. Time will cure your pain.

[joseph15]

That's terrible. I'm really sorry to hear, sucks to see that happen when it sounds like he was so close to bettering his life and was setting goals for the future, can't imagine what that must feel like as a brother. I wanna say 'it gets better' but I'm sure that's not what you want/need to hear at this moment.

You (or your family) should not try to blame yourselves because it doesn't sound like there was much you could have done whether it was accidental or not. It sounds like this was totally unexpected given your dads' conversation with him.

[Meliorare93]

damn that's brutal man, my condolences bigolteddies for you and your family

[El Mono]

I could not imagine a situation so horrid. I'm sorry for you and your family. My condolences, it's something you won't ever forget, but something you will gradually learn to live with.

[bigolteddies]

Thanks guys I appreciate the support. It feels similar to a breakup with a girl you loved with the feeling of loss but just on a much much worse scale, so I know that over time, eventually I’ll get over it.

I hate how my brain is playing these what if games, if maybe I tried a little harder to help him, reach out to him, if I wasn’t too harsh on him, if I had checked on him a few hours earlier....

[El Mono]

Hey man, in my honest opinion, I think he would have gone through with it anyway.. even if you were there to save him. I feel like a lot of people who commit suicide/overdose know the consequences and have their minds dead set on making it happen. It sucks big time but a lot of people suffer, most of the time in silence refusing help or accepting the fact that they can get better... and things can get better with time. 21 is still a tender age.

Depression can cause people to make impulsive, irrational decisions. I can't imagine what you are feeling but just take it a day at a time, you will learn to live with it. Just know it wasn't your fault.

[Savonarola]

(02-13-2019 12:35 AM)bigolteddies Wrote:  

Thanks guys I appreciate the support. It feels similar to a breakup with a girl you loved with the feeling of loss but just on a much much worse scale, so I know that over time, eventually I’ll get over it.

I hate how my brain is playing these what if games, if maybe I tried a little harder to help him, reach out to him, if I wasn’t too harsh on him, if I had checked on him a few hours earlier....

Look at it like this: You're getting the worst part of life over with now.
This time next year, life will be a walk in the park by comparison.
Keep your head up, man.

[Donfitz007]

That's really rough man, I hate you had to go through that. There's nothing I can do or say that'll help. I've lost 6 or so people within the last 3 years and i still couldn't bear the thought of what you went through.

All you can do is continue to be a good person to your family.

Last year I found out my grandma had cancer, literally the day she died was the day I found out she had cancer. Turns out she was taking the bus to the doctor and doing everything in her herself. My mom which has no kids, (She didn't raise me) No job, no responsibilities, NOTHING could have helped my grandmother out and atleast made her time easier. Yet no she didn't even tell me my own grandmother had cancer.

Point of the story is your brother knew you loved him, You were the glimmer of hope in his heart. You made his life somewhat easier and trust me as somebody who went through depression, that one person makes life more bearable.

He wanted to die, and he was happy to at least have somebody like you in his life. These what if are only going to tear you apart, I sleep every night with death on my mind so I know the feeling somewhat. Literally saw the video of one of my friends getting gunned down by cops who thought he was the gunman but was really protecting his friend. Its hard man, but your brother was depressed. He didn't want to live anymore, you might feel like you could help but some people are truly at the end of their ropes with no chance of climbing back up. Your intervening could possibly cause him more pain.

[Lampwick]

(02-13-2019 02:06 AM)Donfitz007 Wrote:  

Point of the story is your brother knew you loved him, You were the glimmer of hope in his heart. You made his life somewhat easier and trust me as somebody who went through depression, that one person makes life more bearable.

This is so true. You looked after him until the very end, OP. He died knowing you loved him. He was so lucky to have a brother like you. Many people don't have that. There was nothing else you could've done.

[Captain Gh]

You were there for him til the end... and tried to help him as much as humanly possible! As long as you hold on to these facts... eventually the burden will lessen! Condolences.

[RatInTheWoods]

Mate I am so sorry you had to go through that, I can't imagine how you must feel.

Take comfort in that you did all the right things, and that you gave support and encouragement way past what could be expected of someone.

Don't allow yourself to take the blame for his choices and ultimate fate - that rests squarely with him.

Grieve your loss, and know that over time things will get better.

I wish good things and a brighter future for you my friend.

[tomzestatlu]

That´s really rough to hear, even tough I definitely can´t imagine the real pain you feel right now. I am sorry for your loss.
The death of young man can´t be justified, the more when it´s your own brother. Maybe he just couldn´t take the pain he was going through on daily basis anymore and made a decision, to abandon the pain...

[BeardedMastodon]

Hey bud. Really sorry for your loss. Depression is a chemical illness that is more painful then cancer. As someone who is very depressed, I can say he appreciated everything you did to try to help him. He may not of voiced it because he felt it was insurmountable. But he did really apriciate it. You were like God to him, especially since his parents abandoned him and left him to face such a painful illness on his own, one that he couldn’t even understand because the illness itself wrapped his very mind!

I have no doubt this post will help wake up this community and others will reach out to their friends and family who are depressed.

I am so so so sorry!

[BeardedMastodon]

My iPad won’t allow me to edit my post. But a few more thoughts...

He longed for this day, your brother, depression is so painful that life becomes a race of endurance, a horribly painful race... one that even the most unfit marathon runner could not imagine. The depression creeped into every part of his brain even his muscles. Everything in life was viewed with one simple question “when will I stop hurting”???

Doctors gave up on him and he told them the medicines didn’t work... eventually they disagreed and thought his mind must be the problem... rather it was his brain, his gut, a genetic mutation causing an enzyme or cofactor to be missing. Biology so complex the doctors wouldn’t even admit to understand it. But you didn’t give up on him. And he knew that, but what he knew more than anything was pain.

[lavidaloca]

This is the worst loss imaginable. I've been to the hospital to visit a sibling multiple times after suicide attempts and that was truly awful. Try to make each day you have on this earth count rather than reminisce on things you or family members could've done. Be strong.

[bigolteddies]

(02-13-2019 01:46 AM)Savonarola Wrote:  

Look at it like this: You're getting the worst part of life over with now.
This time next year, life will be a walk in the park by comparison.
Keep your head up, man.

On a personal level maybe, but the way society is going I don't have high hopes.

(02-13-2019 02:06 AM)Donfitz007 Wrote:  

That's really rough man, I hate you had to go through that. There's nothing I can do or say that'll help. I've lost 6 or so people within the last 3 years and i still couldn't bear the thought of what you went through.

All you can do is continue to be a good person to your family.

Last year I found out my grandma had cancer, literally the day she died was the day I found out she had cancer. Turns out she was taking the bus to the doctor and doing everything in her herself. My mom which has no kids, (She didn't raise me) No job, no responsibilities, NOTHING could have helped my grandmother out and atleast made her time easier. Yet no she didn't even tell me my own grandmother had cancer.

Point of the story is your brother knew you loved him, You were the glimmer of hope in his heart. You made his life somewhat easier and trust me as somebody who went through depression, that one person makes life more bearable.

He wanted to die, and he was happy to at least have somebody like you in his life. These what if are only going to tear you apart, I sleep every night with death on my mind so I know the feeling somewhat. Literally saw the video of one of my friends getting gunned down by cops who thought he was the gunman but was really protecting his friend. Its hard man, but your brother was depressed. He didn't want to live anymore, you might feel like you could help but some people are truly at the end of their ropes with no chance of climbing back up. Your intervening could possibly cause him more pain.

Thank you I'm sorry for your loss. The past 2 years I've also lost my uncle, grandpa, and great grandpa.

(02-13-2019 02:26 AM)Lampwick Wrote:  

(02-13-2019 02:06 AM)Donfitz007 Wrote:  

Point of the story is your brother knew you loved him, You were the glimmer of hope in his heart. You made his life somewhat easier and trust me as somebody who went through depression, that one person makes life more bearable.

This is so true. You looked after him until the very end, OP. He died knowing you loved him. He was so lucky to have a brother like you. Many people don't have that. There was nothing else you could've done.

(02-13-2019 02:36 AM)Captain Gh Wrote:  

You were there for him til the end... and tried to help him as much as humanly possible! As long as you hold on to these facts... eventually the burden will lessen! Condolences.

(02-13-2019 03:34 AM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Mate I am so sorry you had to go through that, I can't imagine how you must feel.

Take comfort in that you did all the right things, and that you gave support and encouragement way past what could be expected of someone.

Don't allow yourself to take the blame for his choices and ultimate fate - that rests squarely with him.

Grieve your loss, and know that over time things will get better.

I wish good things and a brighter future for you my friend.

(02-13-2019 03:56 AM)tomzestatlu Wrote:  

That´s really rough to hear, even tough I definitely can´t imagine the real pain you feel right now. I am sorry for your loss.
The death of young man can´t be justified, the more when it´s your own brother. Maybe he just couldn´t take the pain he was going through on daily basis anymore and made a decision, to abandon the pain...

Thank you guys

(02-13-2019 04:19 AM)BeardedMastodon Wrote:  

Hey bud. Really sorry for your loss. Depression is a chemical illness that is more painful then cancer. As someone who is very depressed, I can say he appreciated everything you did to try to help him. He may not of voiced it because he felt it was insurmountable. But he did really apriciate it. You were like God to him, especially since his parents abandoned him and left him to face such a painful illness on his own, one that he couldn’t even understand because the illness itself wrapped his very mind!

I have no doubt this post will help wake up this community and others will reach out to their friends and family who are depressed.

I am so so so sorry!

(02-13-2019 04:35 AM)BeardedMastodon Wrote:  

My iPad won’t allow me to edit my post. But a few more thoughts...

He longed for this day, your brother, depression is so painful that life becomes a race of endurance, a horribly painful race... one that even the most unfit marathon runner could not imagine. The depression creeped into every part of his brain even his muscles. Everything in life was viewed with one simple question “when will I stop hurting”???

Doctors gave up on him and he told them the medicines didn’t work... eventually they disagreed and thought his mind must be the problem... rather it was his brain, his gut, a genetic mutation causing an enzyme or cofactor to be missing. Biology so complex the doctors wouldn’t even admit to understand it. But you didn’t give up on him. And he knew that, but what he knew more than anything was pain.

Yeah the doctors just threw pills at him which just made it worse. I've been depressed before but I don't think I can comprehend that level. I feel it made it worse that it was most likely an accident and not intentional.

As early as 14 he was stealing pain pills prescribed to one of our dogs.

After seeing this firsthand, I half posted this thread for awareness to possibly help anyone in a similar situation. To let everyone know that whether it be overdosing or taking your own life, it's not the answer. The pain just transfers to those around you. I can't say I've had lifelong crippling depression, but I am prone to it and I know that by having faith in God you can overcome it.

I just graduated in December and have some interviews coming up for some sales jobs, but it looks like I'm going to push those back and take a month to be with family. Do you guys think after that traveling would help as opposed to going straight to work. I just don't see myself having the motivation anymore to work the next few months at least, but I don't want to run away from my problems either.

[Leonard D Neubache]

For what it's worth you have my condolences. I'm not close with my brother anymore but I still can't imagine going through something like that.

I hope he rests in peace and I hope you can get past this unfortunate scene swiftly while remembering him for the good times.

[etwsake]

I also want to offer my condolences. I can't even imagine the magnitude of that kind of grief. I am very, very sorry for your loss.

[heavy]

If you can find a good psychologist to talk through this, I would do it.

[CleanSlate]

You have my condolences. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. Very sorry for your loss. Hope he is in peace.

[Eddie Winslow]

I'm so sorry for your loss brother. I hope you can continue on knowing that it was not your fault, and that you were definitely a bright spot in his life.

As someone who cared about him, your job was to provide whatever support and resources you could offer - however, only he could decide to take positive action, which may have never happened regardless. You did your job.

My sincere condolences.

[Mrredsquare]

That's brutal, my condolences sorry for your loss.

[El Mono]

My grandparents passed away many years ago, and I asked my Dad how often he thinks about them. He said, "Not a single day goes by where I don't think about my Mom and Dad. It's gotten easier to accept over time but with such a loss it's something that will always be with me." IMO It's up to you to seek counseling my friend or give it some time. I really, really recommend counseling. Whether individual 1 on 1 or group therapy.

We've established it wasn't your fault but you need to grieve and take it one step at a time. I am a Psychologist and therapy can really really help you through this difficult situation. I know it helped me through one of mine. I actually went to group therapy, due to depression and social anxiety, and I accredit that to my positive mindset today. When you are in a room with other people who have been through traumatic experiences and share deep pain, you realize it's a part of life (it sucks that it happened) and we all suffer. Part of this is why I took my 20's to go travel the world and make sure I experienced everything I wanted to so I can say I lived a life with no regrets.

You're going to make it through this. The Psychologist in me and in everyone wants to help you out but there's not much to say besides take it one day at a time or possibly take some time to get counseling. We just want to make sure you are aware that none of this is your fault. You'll get through this!

[travolta]

Sorry for your loss. It brought a tear to my eye reading this story. A few months ago I witnessed my father die (I'd imagine losing my brother would be much worse than my father though). I have a super fucked up morbid visual in my head from that experience, and it's something I'll never forget. Eventually with time you'll come to accept what's happened. It's shitty, but life goes on.